In our last hangout, we began to talk about the need for those who are going into love relationships to stay away from those who lack contentment. And I explained a bit the difference between contentment and complacency. A contented person is one who is thankful to God for his present situation and is yet working towards receiving more from Him. But a complacent person is one with a false sense of satisfaction. And if you settle in marriage for someone like that, it will take much mercy of the Lord for your life and home not to remain forever stagnant. So, just as it is bad to marry one who lacks contentment, it is also bad to marry one who is complacent. 

Now among the signs of lack of contentment is ingratitude. So, as I pointed out before, if you settle for one without contentment, be ready to deal with ingratitude. People like them are hardly grateful or thankful for what you do for them. That is because they have an entitlement mentality and always think that they deserve more than they are getting from you. They may even tell you that they are just receiving whatever you are giving them to make you feel good and not because it is worth anything to them. 

If you have ever had someone speak like that to you, you should understand clearly what I am saying. And if that is something you get once in a while from colleagues at work or neighbours or friends or even family members, you may be able to cope with it or overlook it. But if it is something you have to deal with day after day in your future marriage, it may someday drive you insane. I mean that it may someday create a monster of you. Then you will find yourself saying or doing what you will most likely regret. So, once you sense any kind of ingratitude in someone, watch out.

Another sign of lack of contentment, as I pointed out in our last hangout, is complaining. So, if you settle for one without contentment, be ready for their nagging. In other words, they will always have something to complain about in your life. Am I saying that if there is something not right in your life, your love partner shouldn’t talk about it? No! If they truly love you, they will talk about what is not right in your life and that is capable of hurting you and those in your life.

But there are things that are neither right nor wrong in God’s sight. These things have to do with human perspectives and sentiments. And since they are not things that can harm our lives or faith, there is no need to get angry with anyone over them or to complain about them in anyone’s life. Yes, we may not like them. But we have to respect the right of others to do them or to have them. And if we respect their rights in these matters, we will be considerate with them instead of complaining.

I once heard of certain couple that fought themselves over where their toothpaste tube should be pressed. And where should it be pressed? Is it at the top, in the middle or at the base? I am not sure there is any rule from those who manufacture them on where toothpaste tubes should be pressed. And evidently, there is no rule about that in the bible. Why, then, should we quarrel over it?

Unfortunately, there are married people that complain all the time and quarrel with their partners over such trivial things. Are their spouses wasting toothpaste? No! But because they just don’t feel good about where they are pressing the tubes, they just have to complain and start a quarrel over it all the time. 

Now do you want something like that in your future home? If you don’t want it, then, don’t settle for one who lacks contentment. And if you are one who complains about everything you don’t like in other people, if you are one who does not know how to turn blind eyes on insignificant matters of life, you are not ready for any love relationship. That is because you are going to make a mess of it. It is only a matter of time. And the consequences may be too much for you to bear.

Do you remember Michal daughter of King Saul? She was David’s first wife. And we are told that this woman died a barren woman – she never had a child. Sadly, she was the only barren woman mentioned in the bible that died in that condition.

But why? The reason was that she once complained about her husband, king David. She complained about the way he was dancing before the Lord. She said that he did not dance with dignity, the dignity that comes with being a king. In fact, she referred to him as shameless, shameless like a street thug. (Cf. 2Sam 6:16-23)

But was David dancing naked? No! Did any of his officials complain about his dancing? No! They all were also busy dancing and rejoicing before the Lord. But that classy woman would have nothing to do with what they were doing. Instead, she was at the window looking at everyone and feeling disgusted about what they were doing. 

Well, when her husband came home to bless everyone, she had to complain about what she had seen. She could not even keep her feeling of disgust to herself. She just had to say it out. She just had to call her husband shameless and unworthy of royalty. And instead for the man to bless her, as he had blessed others, he just walked right pass her, taking his blessing with him. That, I believe, was the moment that she missed her opportunity to be cured of her barrenness. 

Why am I sharing this with you? It is to let you know that if you are in the habit of complaining about everything you see in people that you don’t feel good about, you must someday shut certain doors of favour against yourself. See, complaining hurts. So, the one you are complaining about will not likely bless you, even though they may not curse you. And how that will affect your relationship with them or your experience of God’s blessing is something I cannot tell. But it will be good for you to start ridding yourself of your culture of complaining through the help of the Spirit of God.

Another sign of lack of contentment is a willingness to do anything to get what you want. This is, of course, is why lack of contentment is also referred to in Scriptures as greed and as idolatry. What this means is that those who lack contentment are ready to go to any extent to get what they want. And they may not mind who gets hurt in the process.

For instance, a sister once told me why she left her former marriage. According to her, the man was often saying things like, “If I knew where Mr X did his money rituals, I would also go there and do it, as long as it would not cost me anybody’s life.” And she reasoned that the man may just use her or their only son for money ritual one day. So, she just left him unannounced. 

Was the man really going to use them for money rituals? Well, she was smart enough not to wait around to find out. And was it a good thing to have her marriage ruined in that manner? No! But once you marry one without contentment, you cannot be sure if they will or will not someday take a step that will ruin your life and home in their quest for money, fame or power.

Did Samson not love Delilah enough? He did. He loved her to the point of telling her the whole truth about the secret of his power. But did his love satisfy her? No! Did the fact that the strongest warrior on the face of the earth at the time was her lover satisfy her? No! She still had to sell him for some money. (Cf. Judges 16)

So, no amount of love from you will satisfy a greedy person. No amount of love and care from you will content the heart of one that lacks contentment. Only God can cure people of lack of contentment. And if He has not cured them of it when you meet them, there is no guarantee that they will be cured of it after your marriage to them. It will be in your interest, then, not to settle for anyone that lacks contentment. 

Now how do you know such people? Well, they can’t hide their lack of contentment for long. You will see it when they talk. You will feel it when they act. And this is one of the reasons you don’t need to show off in order to win anybody’s love. Be as real, as simple and as modest as you can in the way you carry yourself. Don’t try to impress anyone with anything. Otherwise, you may unconsciously attract a greedy person to your life. And when they see that you can’t live up to their expectations, they may just sell you to get what they want, just as Judas Iscariot did to Jesus. 

We will stop here this evening. I pray that none of you will be a victim of the greed of anyone. Amen.

Thank you.

In our last hangout, I shared some things with you about not settling in a love relationship with anyone that is wasteful. That, of course, led us to saying some things about having love relationships with overpampered adults. And you will do well to pay attention to these things.

Then, in settling for a love partner, go for someone that is content. Why? The reason is that the word of God wants all of us to be content. The bible says, “But godliness with contentment is great gain.” (1Tim 6:6NIV)

Did you see that? Godliness does not profit people, if it is not perfected with contentment. In fact, godliness without contentment will soon enough become ungodliness. So, as a child of God, you must be content.

Now what does it mean to be content? First, it means to be thankful to God for what you have and for what you are, even though you are looking forward to more. Second, it means to be ready to make do with what you have and what you are, even though you know that you can be better and also have more.

In other words, a contented person is not going to lose his mind over what he does not have or a position that he has not yet attained. Instead, he will continue to thank God for what is currently available and also be taking advantage of it to gain more and to attain greater heights.

So, being content in life has nothing to do with being stagnant. It has nothing to do with being short-sighted or dreamless. A contented person has dreams and visions. A contented person wants to go to great heights in life. However, a contented person will not allow his dreams and visions that are yet to be realised to take away his joy or to make him start misbehaving.

I am saying this because I don’t want you to misrepresent contentment for complacency. Some who think they are content are nothing but complacent. They have a false sense of satisfaction. That means they think they are okay, when they are actually far from being okay. And when the reality of their true condition dawns on them, they may surrender to life’s circumstances or find themselves being driven by them to doing desperate things.

Thus, while it is important that you do not settle down in a love relationship with someone that is not content or that is greedy, it is also important that you do not settle down with one that is complacent. That is because a complacent person does not care. They don’t care because they think everything is fine as it is or that everything will be fine on their own. So, they are not making any plans or making any move in readiness for the future.

Now you may also mistake a complacent person for someone that is just not worried or disturbed about the present or the future. And the word of God indeed tells us not to be worried about anything, the past, the present or the future. But it does not tell us not to do anything about them. Instead, it tells us to pray to God about them, so that He will fill our hearts with His peace about them and also fix them for us. (Cf. Phil 4:6-7)

In addition, the word of God tells us that whatever our hands find to do, we should do it with all our might (Ecc 9:10). That means if there is anything legitimate we can do to make life better for us or to take us to higher heights in life, we should do it. And a contented person takes that seriously. He takes work seriously. He takes his dreams and visions seriously and continually works towards realising them.

But a complacent person, as I said before, does not care. He will only do as much as he feels he should do. And if something good comes out of that, fine. Otherwise, he does not care.

If you, then, should end up marrying someone like that, they may someday turn you to a witch. That is because you will be the only one pushing and pulling in the family, so that you can move forward and enjoy a better life. And when you ask them to lend a hand, they may say that you worry too much or that you are not appreciative enough of the effort they have made so far.

In short, a complacent person can keep you in poverty for life or make you lose once-in-a-lifetime opportunities or make a bad situation become terribly worse for you. Why? They don’t care.

So, don’t assume that someone is content in life because the person is not ambitious or desirous of the fancy things of life. The person may just be complacent, having a false sense of peace and prosperity. And you can easily know them through their reaction towards any discussion about doing something better or attaining a greater height. They will give you the impression that it is unnecessary. And that is not because they think the thing is not doable or possible but because they just don’t want to apply themselves to doing it. Why? They are complacent and lazy. So, it is even in the right order to say that laziness promotes complacency.

Well, the point I am making is that contentment is not the same thing as complacency; it is not the same thing as not wanting a better life or greater heights. Rather, first, it has to do with living a life of thankfulness to God for all that He has given to us and done for us. Second, it has to do with making use of whatever we have, however little, and wherever we have, however low, to carry on in life until our dreams of a better life are realised. And anyone who is like that is a good candidate to consider for a love relationship.

But then, there are people, including Christians, who lack contentment in their lives. And I am saying such people are very terrible for love business. Why? First, they are unthankful. That means regardless of what God does for them or where He takes them in life, they will never appreciate or thank Him for it. And regardless of what you too do for them, they will never be wholeheartedly thankful for it. They may say ‘Thank you’ to you to fulfil all righteousness. But they will always leave a comment after it, so that you will know that you are not measuring up yet.

See, people like that are always with the feeling that they are getting less than they deserve. And because they are often selfish too, they will not consider whether you are getting from them as much as you too deserve. All that they will be thinking is what they deserve to get from you, which they are not getting yet. That means they have some entitlement mentality. And it is a product of greed.

Do you, then, want someone like that as your life companion? Do you want as your life companion someone that you can never satisfy? What is the guarantee that your love life with them will end in a marriage? Even if it does end in a marriage, what is the guarantee that they will not leave you at some point in your marriage? You don’t have any. And if that should happen, what will you do with your life and perhaps with the lives of your children then?

Also, those who lack contentment are complainers or whiners. They are often, if not always, having something to complain or whine about. If you have ever worked with someone like that, you will understand what I am saying. They don’t know how to commend hard and diligent work. That is because nothing satisfies them.

So, they will keep complaining until you get it. Do you understand what I mean by that? I mean that they will keep complaining about what you have done for them or that you have not done for them until you react. If you don’t react, they will not believe that you have gotten their message. Even if you say ‘Sorry’, it will not do. You will either have to start making to them promises that you may not be able to keep in order to satisfy them or you will have to get angry with them and say something nasty before they believe that you have gotten their message. Then they can say that they have always known that you never really loved them.

Is that, then, what you want? Are you ready to live with that, to live with someone that will complain about your life, your looks, the way you sleep, the way you eat, the way you dress, the way you walk, the way you talk, the money you give them, the money you don’t give them and anything else that people can complain about? Do you really think you can survive that?

Well, if you don’t think you can survive that, if you do not think you won’t lose your mind and go crazy under such circumstances, don’t make the mistake of settling for one without contentment in a love relationship. They may not be complaining much about you now that you are not yet married. But they will surely do all the complaining that they can once you get married. I can promise you that.

The bible says, “A foolish son is his father's ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping.” (Prov 19:13NIV) I wouldn’t know why Solomon puts these two characters together. But I suppose he is trying to show us that it’s foolish people that often end up with nagging or quarrelsome spouses.

In any case, you can see that a complaining love partner, whether it is a man or a woman, is like a constant dripping of water. Have you ever tried to stop a faulty water tap from dripping? It is a tough call. Just when you think you have succeeded, that it is when it will start rushing water out again. So, once you manage to get it to a point where it can only drip, you will have to leave it. And there is no solution to this problem unless you change the whole apparatus.

What is that telling you? It is that once you marry a complainer, you will have to live and die with their complaints, unless a miracle happens. And what is guarantee that such a miracle will happen for you? It is a gamble. So, don’t even go there at all.

We will continue from here next week. Thank you everyone for your time, patience and contributions. 

In our last hangout, I shared with us what Scriptures teach about relating to stingy people. God, as we see in Scriptures, warns us to have no business eating the food of a stingy person. And since that is the case, common sense ought to tell us that He will not expect us to go into a love relationship with a stingy person.

So, stay away from any kind of love relationship with a stingy person. And if you are already in a love relationship with a stingy person, you have to address it and see if they are willing to change. Otherwise, you should waste no time to end whatever you have started with them. That, of course, may hurt. But it will save you from a marital lifetime of pains and sorrow.

How, then, do you know a stingy person, especially if you are about considering them for a love relationship? As I told you before, it is through their attitude towards things. A stingy person always values things more than God, people and relationships Therefore, even if they are the richest in the world, they will always find it hard to use their wealth to care for you or make you happy.

Mind you, a stingy person always values things more than his own well-being and happiness. So, if you find him on cheap drugs, know that it is not because he does not have money to buy quality drugs; rather, it is because he values his money more than his well-being.

Now if someone values their money more than their own well-being, do you think that person will value you more than their money, car, house or land? No, they won’t! So, unless God Himself arrests their heart and changes them, if you make the mistake of marrying them, you are bound to suffer for it.

But then, as I equally pointed out to you before, being stingy is not the same thing as being prudent. So, mistake a prudent person for a stingy person. Otherwise, you are also bound to have problems in your home.

I said that because the opposite of being prudent is being wasteful. And you have no business getting married to a wasteful person or one that is not financially intelligent. What I am saying is that just as it is terrible to be stingy, it is equally terrible to be wasteful or reckless in using resources.

God, as we see in Scriptures, does not want us to be wasteful, careless or reckless in using resources. And our Lord Jesus showed these to His disciples through His teachings and actions. For instance, once, after feeding five thousand men, not counting the women and the children, with five loaves of bread and some fish, He said this to His disciples: “Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted." (John 6:12NIV) Did you see that? Even though everything the people ate that day was miraculously provided by God, our Lord Jesus would still not allow anybody to waste anything. Instead, He told His disciples to gather what was left and to allow nothing to be wasted.

So, it is never the will of God for us to waste things, regardless of how they have come to us. Why? Wastefulness is a sign of ignorance of our source. Everything we have has come to us from God, as we are shown in the bible. And since that is the case, everything we have belongs to Him. If we are, then, wasting what we have, it is God’s provisions for us that we are wasting. And will that make Him happy? No! (Cf. Is 26:12; John 3:27; James 1:17)

Also, wastefulness is not a sign of ingratitude. If we appreciate what has been given to us by God, regardless of the channel that He has used in bringing it to us, we will not waste it or be careless or reckless in handling it. But if waste or misuse what He has given to us, we are showing that we don’t care much about Him and His generosity to us. And will that make Him happy? No!

Then ingratitude is a sign of foolishness. It does not show that we are wise and concerned about tomorrow. No, God does not expect us to worry about tomorrow, for worrying about it is a sign of unbelief and will not change anything for the better but make things worse (Matt 6:34). But all through Scriptures we see that He wants us to plan for the future, especially our eternal future. That is why He wants us to learn to save, especially in heaven.

But how much can a wasteful person save? What they are meant to save for future use or advantages is what they are wasting? How, then, can they save enough or save at all?

In addition, wastefulness is a sign of selfishness. It shows that you are only concerned about yourself. If you are concerned about others as well, you know that any excess you have should be shared with those who do not have and not wasted. Unfortunately, some people don’t even have in excess what they are wasting. So, when they are done wasting what they have, they will have to go begging or borrowing and suffering again. Why, then, should they expect God to give them more?

Well, the point I am making is that it is not only a stingy person that you should not be in a love relationship; you should also not attempt any love relationship with one who is wasteful or who is careless or reckless with resources. And that is because even God will not expect you to in a relationship with them. Look at something else Jesus shares about God’s attitude towards wastefulness or carelessness in using what we have:

“There was a rich man whose manager was accused of wasting his possessions. So he called him in and asked him, 'What is this I hear about you? Give an account of your management, because you cannot be manager any longer.'” (Luke 16:1-2NIV)

Who is the Lord speaking about here? He is speaking about a rich man. In other words, the person He is referring to has a lot of resources. Yet when this man heard that his manager was wasting his possessions, what did he do? He called him in and told him to hand over his possessions with him. That means he was laying him off.

Why does the Lord share this with us? He shares it with us to show us the kind of attitude God expects us to have towards those who waste our resources or handles them anyhow. God expects us to lay them off or take away from them the privilege of handling our possessions.

How good, then, will it look, if you have to stop your wife or your husband from handling your possessions or from managing anything that is yours, simply because they are wasteful, careless or reckless? Do you think that can happen in your home peacefully? Do you really think you can treat your future wife or husband that way and not have a quarrel at hand? I doubt it.

Yet that is what the Lord expect you to do to anyone that is wasting or mismanaging what is yours. Remember that whatever you have has been given to you by God. So, if anybody is wasting it, it is God’s possession that the person is wasting. And who will God hold responsible for that? You!

But how does God hold people responsible for wasting or mismanaging whatever He has given to them? Jesus tells us, as He shares further with us using this same parable. Look at what He says:

“"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else's property, who will give you property of your own?” (Luke 16:10-12NIV)

Did you see that? Wastefulness is a sign of unfaithfulness to God. And if you are unfaithful to Him in this manner, there are bigger and greater things of life that He has provided for you that He will never deliver to you. You can see why marrying a wasteful person or person that is careless of reckless with resources will not do you much good. They might just be the reason prosperity and elevation will be far from your life and family.

Consider that rich man again. As rich as he was, he would not allow anyone to waste his resources and not do anything about it. Of course, as the parable goes, he later commended that wasteful for acting clever in saving himself. But he made it clear that he would not fold his arms and watch some ungrateful and foolish person waste what he had.

So, even if you think of yourself as rich, don’t encourage wastefulness. I learnt that a very wealthy man in this country once said that no devourer could devour his wealth. In fact, he was reported to have something like this: “If a devourer should enter my pot of wealth, it will eat and eat until it gets tired of eating and then leaves.”

But today, everything about his wealth is history. I even learnt that one of his children at some point had to live in a house he used to own as a tenant. It was as bad as that for them.

Now did things end like that for him and his family? The reason is that regardless of how rich or wealthy you are, if you tolerate wastefulness or a mismanagement of what God has given to you, it is only a matter of time before everything you now have and hold dear disappears. It is a law, a law that God has set in life.

All of this is why you should not settle for anyone that is wasteful or that is careless or reckless with things and does not see it as a problem. That person is a devourer. And they will devour you and your future home until there is nothing left of you all. If you, then, happen to be someone that is still working at attaining financial independence, just one wasteful person in your life is enough to make that dream an eternal impossibility.

Mind you, when we are talking about being wasteful, it goes beyond wasting food, water, cloth or electricity. It also involves spending money on irrelevances, putting your money where it does not belong. And where that is the case, you will be shutting yourself away from God’s favour. My prayer is that you will never again take any step or engage in any relationship in life that will shut you away from God’s favour, in Jesus’ name.

This is where we will end it for this hangout. Thank you everyone for your time, patience and contributions. 

In our last hangout, I shared with us what Scriptures teach about relating to stingy people. God, as we see in Scriptures, warns us to have no business eating the food of a stingy person. And since that is the case, common sense ought to tell us that He will not expect us to go into a love relationship with a stingy person.

So, stay away from any kind of love relationship with a stingy person. And if you are already in a love relationship with a stingy person, you have to address it and see if they are willing to change. Otherwise, you should waste no time to end whatever you have started with them. That, of course, may hurt. But it will save you from a marital lifetime of pains and sorrow.

How, then, do you know a stingy person, especially if you are about considering them for a love relationship? As I told you before, it is through their attitude towards things. A stingy person always values things more than God, people and relationships Therefore, even if they are the richest in the world, they will always find it hard to use their wealth to care for you or make you happy.

Mind you, a stingy person always values things more than his own well-being and happiness. So, if you find him on cheap drugs, know that it is not because he does not have money to buy quality drugs; rather, it is because he values his money more than his well-being.

Now if someone values their money more than their own well-being, do you think that person will value you more than their money, car, house or land? No, they won’t! So, unless God Himself arrests their heart and changes them, if you make the mistake of marrying them, you are bound to suffer for it.

But then, as I equally pointed out to you before, being stingy is not the same thing as being prudent. So, mistake a prudent person for a stingy person. Otherwise, you are also bound to have problems in your home.

I said that because the opposite of being prudent is being wasteful. And you have no business getting married to a wasteful person or one that is not financially intelligent. What I am saying is that just as it is terrible to be stingy, it is equally terrible to be wasteful or reckless in using resources.

God, as we see in Scriptures, does not want us to be wasteful, careless or reckless in using resources. And our Lord Jesus showed these to His disciples through His teachings and actions. For instance, once, after feeding five thousand men, not counting the women and the children, with five loaves of bread and some fish, He said this to His disciples: “Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted." (John 6:12NIV) Did you see that? Even though everything the people ate that day was miraculously provided by God, our Lord Jesus would still not allow anybody to waste anything. Instead, He told His disciples to gather what was left and to allow nothing to be wasted.

So, it is never the will of God for us to waste things, regardless of how they have come to us. Why? Wastefulness is a sign of ignorance of our source. Everything we have has come to us from God, as we are shown in the bible. And since that is the case, everything we have belongs to Him. If we are, then, wasting what we have, it is God’s provisions for us that we are wasting. And will that make Him happy? No! (Cf. Is 26:12; John 3:27; James 1:17)

Also, wastefulness is not a sign of ingratitude. If we appreciate what has been given to us by God, regardless of the channel that He has used in bringing it to us, we will not waste it or be careless or reckless in handling it. But if waste or misuse what He has given to us, we are showing that we don’t care much about Him and His generosity to us. And will that make Him happy? No!

Then ingratitude is a sign of foolishness. It does not show that we are wise and concerned about tomorrow. No, God does not expect us to worry about tomorrow, for worrying about it is a sign of unbelief and will not change anything for the better but make things worse (Matt 6:34). But all through Scriptures we see that He wants us to plan for the future, especially our eternal future. That is why He wants us to learn to save, especially in heaven.

But how much can a wasteful person save? What they are meant to save for future use or advantages is what they are wasting? How, then, can they save enough or save at all?

In addition, wastefulness is a sign of selfishness. It shows that you are only concerned about yourself. If you are concerned about others as well, you know that any excess you have should be shared with those who do not have and not wasted. Unfortunately, some people don’t even have in excess what they are wasting. So, when they are done wasting what they have, they will have to go begging or borrowing and suffering again. Why, then, should they expect God to give them more?

Well, the point I am making is that it is not only a stingy person that you should not be in a love relationship; you should also not attempt any love relationship with one who is wasteful or who is careless or reckless with resources. And that is because even God will not expect you to in a relationship with them. Look at something else Jesus shares about God’s attitude towards wastefulness or carelessness in using what we have:

“There was a rich man whose manager was accused of wasting his possessions. So he called him in and asked him, 'What is this I hear about you? Give an account of your management, because you cannot be manager any longer.'” (Luke 16:1-2NIV)

Who is the Lord speaking about here? He is speaking about a rich man. In other words, the person He is referring to has a lot of resources. Yet when this man heard that his manager was wasting his possessions, what did he do? He called him in and told him to hand over his possessions with him. That means he was laying him off.

Why does the Lord share this with us? He shares it with us to show us the kind of attitude God expects us to have towards those who waste our resources or handles them anyhow. God expects us to lay them off or take away from them the privilege of handling our possessions.

How good, then, will it look, if you have to stop your wife or your husband from handling your possessions or from managing anything that is yours, simply because they are wasteful, careless or reckless? Do you think that can happen in your home peacefully? Do you really think you can treat your future wife or husband that way and not have a quarrel at hand? I doubt it.

Yet that is what the Lord expect you to do to anyone that is wasting or mismanaging what is yours. Remember that whatever you have has been given to you by God. So, if anybody is wasting it, it is God’s possession that the person is wasting. And who will God hold responsible for that? You!

But how does God hold people responsible for wasting or mismanaging whatever He has given to them? Jesus tells us, as He shares further with us using this same parable. Look at what He says:

“"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else's property, who will give you property of your own?” (Luke 16:10-12NIV)

Did you see that? Wastefulness is a sign of unfaithfulness to God. And if you are unfaithful to Him in this manner, there are bigger and greater things of life that He has provided for you that He will never deliver to you. You can see why marrying a wasteful person or person that is careless of reckless with resources will not do you much good. They might just be the reason prosperity and elevation will be far from your life and family.

Consider that rich man again. As rich as he was, he would not allow anyone to waste his resources and not do anything about it. Of course, as the parable goes, he later commended that wasteful for acting clever in saving himself. But he made it clear that he would not fold his arms and watch some ungrateful and foolish person waste what he had.

So, even if you think of yourself as rich, don’t encourage wastefulness. I learnt that a very wealthy man in this country once said that no devourer could devour his wealth. In fact, he was reported to have something like this: “If a devourer should enter my pot of wealth, it will eat and eat until it gets tired of eating and then leaves.”

But today, everything about his wealth is history. I even learnt that one of his children at some point had to live in a house he used to own as a tenant. It was as bad as that for them.

Now did things end like that for him and his family? The reason is that regardless of how rich or wealthy you are, if you tolerate wastefulness or a mismanagement of what God has given to you, it is only a matter of time before everything you now have and hold dear disappears. It is a law, a law that God has set in life.

All of this is why you should not settle for anyone that is wasteful or that is careless or reckless with things and does not see it as a problem. That person is a devourer. And they will devour you and your future home until there is nothing left of you all. If you, then, happen to be someone that is still working at attaining financial independence, just one wasteful person in your life is enough to make that dream an eternal impossibility.

Mind you, when we are talking about being wasteful, it goes beyond wasting food, water, cloth or electricity. It also involves spending money on irrelevances, putting your money where it does not belong. And where that is the case, you will be shutting yourself away from God’s favour. My prayer is that you will never again take any step or engage in any relationship in life that will shut you away from God’s favour, in Jesus’ name.

This is where we will end it for this hangout. Thank you everyone for your time, patience and contributions. 

In our last hangout, I shared with us what Scriptures teach about relating to stingy people. God, as we see in Scriptures, warns us to have no business eating the food of a stingy person. And since that is the case, common sense ought to tell us that He will not expect us to go into a love relationship with a stingy person.

So, stay away from any kind of love relationship with a stingy person. And if you are already in a love relationship with a stingy person, you have to address it and see if they are willing to change. Otherwise, you should waste no time to end whatever you have started with them. That, of course, may hurt. But it will save you from a marital lifetime of pains and sorrow.

How, then, do you know a stingy person, especially if you are about considering them for a love relationship? As I told you before, it is through their attitude towards things. A stingy person always values things more than God, people and relationships Therefore, even if they are the richest in the world, they will always find it hard to use their wealth to care for you or make you happy.

Mind you, a stingy person always values things more than his own well-being and happiness. So, if you find him on cheap drugs, know that it is not because he does not have money to buy quality drugs; rather, it is because he values his money more than his well-being.

Now if someone values their money more than their own well-being, do you think that person will value you more than their money, car, house or land? No, they won’t! So, unless God Himself arrests their heart and changes them, if you make the mistake of marrying them, you are bound to suffer for it.

But then, as I equally pointed out to you before, being stingy is not the same thing as being prudent. So, mistake a prudent person for a stingy person. Otherwise, you are also bound to have problems in your home.

I said that because the opposite of being prudent is being wasteful. And you have no business getting married to a wasteful person or one that is not financially intelligent. What I am saying is that just as it is terrible to be stingy, it is equally terrible to be wasteful or reckless in using resources.

God, as we see in Scriptures, does not want us to be wasteful, careless or reckless in using resources. And our Lord Jesus showed these to His disciples through His teachings and actions. For instance, once, after feeding five thousand men, not counting the women and the children, with five loaves of bread and some fish, He said this to His disciples: “Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted." (John 6:12NIV) Did you see that? Even though everything the people ate that day was miraculously provided by God, our Lord Jesus would still not allow anybody to waste anything. Instead, He told His disciples to gather what was left and to allow nothing to be wasted.

So, it is never the will of God for us to waste things, regardless of how they have come to us. Why? Wastefulness is a sign of ignorance of our source. Everything we have has come to us from God, as we are shown in the bible. And since that is the case, everything we have belongs to Him. If we are, then, wasting what we have, it is God’s provisions for us that we are wasting. And will that make Him happy? No! (Cf. Is 26:12; John 3:27; James 1:17)

Also, wastefulness is not a sign of ingratitude. If we appreciate what has been given to us by God, regardless of the channel that He has used in bringing it to us, we will not waste it or be careless or reckless in handling it. But if waste or misuse what He has given to us, we are showing that we don’t care much about Him and His generosity to us. And will that make Him happy? No!

Then ingratitude is a sign of foolishness. It does not show that we are wise and concerned about tomorrow. No, God does not expect us to worry about tomorrow, for worrying about it is a sign of unbelief and will not change anything for the better but make things worse (Matt 6:34). But all through Scriptures we see that He wants us to plan for the future, especially our eternal future. That is why He wants us to learn to save, especially in heaven.

But how much can a wasteful person save? What they are meant to save for future use or advantages is what they are wasting? How, then, can they save enough or save at all?

In addition, wastefulness is a sign of selfishness. It shows that you are only concerned about yourself. If you are concerned about others as well, you know that any excess you have should be shared with those who do not have and not wasted. Unfortunately, some people don’t even have in excess what they are wasting. So, when they are done wasting what they have, they will have to go begging or borrowing and suffering again. Why, then, should they expect God to give them more?

Well, the point I am making is that it is not only a stingy person that you should not be in a love relationship; you should also not attempt any love relationship with one who is wasteful or who is careless or reckless with resources. And that is because even God will not expect you to in a relationship with them. Look at something else Jesus shares about God’s attitude towards wastefulness or carelessness in using what we have:

“There was a rich man whose manager was accused of wasting his possessions. So he called him in and asked him, 'What is this I hear about you? Give an account of your management, because you cannot be manager any longer.'” (Luke 16:1-2NIV)

Who is the Lord speaking about here? He is speaking about a rich man. In other words, the person He is referring to has a lot of resources. Yet when this man heard that his manager was wasting his possessions, what did he do? He called him in and told him to hand over his possessions with him. That means he was laying him off.

Why does the Lord share this with us? He shares it with us to show us the kind of attitude God expects us to have towards those who waste our resources or handles them anyhow. God expects us to lay them off or take away from them the privilege of handling our possessions.

How good, then, will it look, if you have to stop your wife or your husband from handling your possessions or from managing anything that is yours, simply because they are wasteful, careless or reckless? Do you think that can happen in your home peacefully? Do you really think you can treat your future wife or husband that way and not have a quarrel at hand? I doubt it.

Yet that is what the Lord expect you to do to anyone that is wasting or mismanaging what is yours. Remember that whatever you have has been given to you by God. So, if anybody is wasting it, it is God’s possession that the person is wasting. And who will God hold responsible for that? You!

But how does God hold people responsible for wasting or mismanaging whatever He has given to them? Jesus tells us, as He shares further with us using this same parable. Look at what He says:

“"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else's property, who will give you property of your own?” (Luke 16:10-12NIV)

Did you see that? Wastefulness is a sign of unfaithfulness to God. And if you are unfaithful to Him in this manner, there are bigger and greater things of life that He has provided for you that He will never deliver to you. You can see why marrying a wasteful person or person that is careless of reckless with resources will not do you much good. They might just be the reason prosperity and elevation will be far from your life and family.

Consider that rich man again. As rich as he was, he would not allow anyone to waste his resources and not do anything about it. Of course, as the parable goes, he later commended that wasteful for acting clever in saving himself. But he made it clear that he would not fold his arms and watch some ungrateful and foolish person waste what he had.

So, even if you think of yourself as rich, don’t encourage wastefulness. I learnt that a very wealthy man in this country once said that no devourer could devour his wealth. In fact, he was reported to have something like this: “If a devourer should enter my pot of wealth, it will eat and eat until it gets tired of eating and then leaves.”

But today, everything about his wealth is history. I even learnt that one of his children at some point had to live in a house he used to own as a tenant. It was as bad as that for them.

Now did things end like that for him and his family? The reason is that regardless of how rich or wealthy you are, if you tolerate wastefulness or a mismanagement of what God has given to you, it is only a matter of time before everything you now have and hold dear disappears. It is a law, a law that God has set in life.

All of this is why you should not settle for anyone that is wasteful or that is careless or reckless with things and does not see it as a problem. That person is a devourer. And they will devour you and your future home until there is nothing left of you all. If you, then, happen to be someone that is still working at attaining financial independence, just one wasteful person in your life is enough to make that dream an eternal impossibility.

Mind you, when we are talking about being wasteful, it goes beyond wasting food, water, cloth or electricity. It also involves spending money on irrelevances, putting your money where it does not belong. And where that is the case, you will be shutting yourself away from God’s favour. My prayer is that you will never again take any step or engage in any relationship in life that will shut you away from God’s favour, in Jesus’ name.

This is where we will end it for this hangout. Thank you everyone for your time, patience and contributions. 

In our last hangout, we shared further with ourselves on the need for those who want to go into love relationship with each other not to be selfish. Otherwise, at some point, their selfishness may ruin their lives or home beyond remedy. So, don’t settle for a selfish person. Then don’t be selfish yourself.

And remember that I said selfish people can’t hide their selfishness for long. If you sit down to talk with them for just one hour and are paying attention, you will see selfishness in their words. Yes, you will see that what they are concerned about is what they want in life and how you fit into what they want in life. They will hardly show interest in knowing what you want in life and how they fit into it. And where that is the case, run for your life.

Then another kind of individual you should not consider for a love relationship, especially if they are unwilling to change, having been confronted with the truth, is the stingy person. Who is a stingy person? A stingy person is someone who does not know how to freely give to God or to men. He is someone who is often looking for an excuse not to be generous to God or to people.

Now what is the problem with marrying a stingy person? First, the problem is that God warns us against stingy people. Look at what He says:

“Do not eat the food of a stingy man, do not crave his delicacies; for he is the kind of man who is always thinking about the cost. "Eat and drink," he says to you, but his heart is not with you. You will vomit up the little you have eaten and will have wasted your compliments.” (Prov 23:6-8NIV)

Did you see that? God warns us against eating the food a stingy person. Why? It is because a stingy person is always thinking more about what he wants to give you than who you are. In other words, it is not your relationship with a stingy person that often determines what he gives to you; rather, it is the cost of what he wants to give to you that often determines what he gives to you.

So, as Solomon tells us in that text, if a stingy person cooks for you, you can be sure that the food will be nothing to write home about it. And if you make the mistake of eating too much of his food, you may end up sick. Then all your ‘Thank you’ to him will have gone to waste.

Perhaps you too know certain individuals that only give as gifts things that are useless or spoilt. I am talking about people that will give you things only because those things are no longer useful to them or because those things are spoilt and they don’t want to throw them away. So, any time they want to give you something, you know that it is not because they care about you or want to make you happy but because that thing is no longer of any value to them.

But why must you wait until something gets spoilt before you share it or give to those who need it more? Why is it only those things that are useless to you that you use to appreciate others? That is stinginess. And you need admit that you have it in your life, if you do, and also pray that God will cleanse you of it before it ruins you.

Well, God warns against eating the food of stingy people. And if God is telling you not to eat the food of a stingy person, do you think He will want you to marry them? No!

As I already told you, a stingy person values their money or possessions more than people, more than relationships. Therefore, they will always choose their money and possessions over you. For example, it happened that a man, at some point, was supposed to pay some money for his children’s education but told his wife that he had no money to pay. And did he make any effort to look for money for them? No! Instead, it was the wife that was running up and down to get money for these children, who, if I remember correctly, were in some higher institutions at the time.

Well, when the woman could not find the needed money to settle these children’ education bills, the man suggested that they sell a land that the woman had. And she agreed. Why? The reason was that she cared more for her children than for that land. So, they sold the land.

But somehow, as God would have it, the woman later got to know that it was her husband, the same husband that claimed that he did not have any money to pay for their children’s education at the time, that bought that land. Did that shock you? Well, don’t let it shock you. And this is not a ‘Super story’; this is a real life story.

What was the problem with the man? The problem was that he was stingy. And because he was stingy, he valued his possessions more than his children and more than their success in life. If those children, then, had not had the unwavering support of their mother, they would most likely have become nothing today.

So, if you don’t want your marriage to be a hell for you, don’t ever make the mistake of settling down for a stingy person. That is because even if you are dying and in need of medical attention, all that a stingy person will be thinking of is how much taking care of you will cost them and not what they will lose by losing you to death. Will you, then, want that kind of person to determine your fate in life or to determine the fate of your children or other loved ones in life?

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not talking about being prudent with resources here. That is because sometimes people mistake prudence for stinginess. But they are not the same. A prudent person is not someone that does not care about you. Rather, he is someone that cares enough for you not to allow you to waste resources or misuse them. Why? He knows that if you misuse or waste resources, it is both of you that will suffer for it, sooner or later.

But a prudent person will think of whatever they spend on your health, education or success a waste but as an investment of love. Yes, a prudent person may be concerned about getting value for whatever they spend on your health, education or success. But they will never deny you the care that you need, if they have the resources to give it to you.

However, a stingy person is not like that at all. A stingy person is not suffering from lack. Rather, they are suffering from a misplacement of value. They value things more than people. They value things more than God. Therefore, they are ready to watch their relationship with God or people suffer in their quest to holding on to things. And if you should marry such a person, you cannot tell the magnitude of sufferings that will flow into your life on account of their stinginess.

For example, because of their stinginess, certain blessings of God may not flow freely in your family. Why were the Jews of Malachi’s day experiencing poverty and having the fruit of their labour devoured by all kinds of devourers? The reason was that they were stingy to God and His servants among them. In fact, God referred to all of them as thieves. (Cf. Malachi 3:8-12)

In like manner, if you end up marrying a stingy person, God may label your family as one of thieves. That is because you keep eating or hiding what you are meant to share with Him and others. And to what extent that will affect the prosperity of your family is not something I can say.

I was told of a man that was so stingy that he kept all the foodstuff of the house in his room all the time. So, any time his wife wanted to cook, she had to meet him to measure out to her what she would cook. And there were times that the whole family was left stranded and hungry because he was not around to measure out to them the portion of food they would eat.

Now where is he? He is dead. And did he go with the key to his room? No! Did he carry any of his stuff with him when he died? No! In fact, from what I learnt, one of his sons, who had become a street thug, had turned himself to the landlord of his house before his death. So, he was more or less a frustrated man at the point of his death. How unfortunate!

Mind you, as we see in Scriptures, there are times in which God judges stingy people with death. Look at this parable from our Lord Jesus:

“The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.' Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry."’ But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?' This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God." (Luke 12:16-21NIV)

Why did God pass a death sentence on that rich man? It was because he was stingy towards Him. And who can speak of the number of young people who have died before their time because they are stingy towards God and men?

So, if you don’t want to end up becoming a young widow or widower, stay away from a love relationship with a stingy person. And you too should not be stingy. You don’t have to lie to yourself about this. If you are stingy, just admit it and repent without delay. If you are always calculating before you give to God, to those ministering to you and to others in your life that should be enjoying your support, you are stingy. And you need to change your ways. Otherwise, you partner and your future family will not enjoy you much or at all.

Not only that, as I already pointed out, you may not be able to tell to what extent your stinginess will rob you of the manifestations of God’s blessings. So, pray to God to rid you of all forms of stinginess now. Otherwise, as far as God Himself is concerned, you are not fit for a love relationship with anyone.

This is where we will stop for tonight. Thank you everyone for your time, patience and contributions. 

In our last hangout last year, we dwelt on the need for anyone who is choosing a love partner to choose someone that is not selfish. Why? The reason is that a selfish person only thinks about himself and how he can use others to make himself happy or to advance himself. What becomes of those that he is using is of no concern to him at all. He is a parasite. And as a parasite, he has nothing else to offer others but to devour them until there is nothing else to devour in their lives.

Therefore, you must avoid going into a love relationship with anyone that is a parasite. How, then, will you know that the one you are dealing with is a parasite? Well, parasites can hardly hide the fact that they are parasites. They start devouring you once they come in contact with you. So, if the person you are dealing with is a parasite, they won’t be able to hide it. That is because what they will be talking to you about mostly is what they want for their lives or for their families. They will hardly show interest in knowing what you want for yourself and for others in your life. And where that is the case, let them be.

Then, as I also pointed out in that hangout, you too must not be a parasite. Don’t be a selfish person. Life is not only about you but about others as well. So, while nothing is wrong with being concerned about your life’s dreams and visions, it is important that you care also about other people’s dreams and visions. That way, you will not ruin the lives of others while you are trying to build your own life.

There are some marriages in which people are ruining the lives of their partners or making their lives stagnant while attempting to build their own lives. And such things often produce bitterness in the home. Therefore, even the one that seems to be advancing at the expense of their partner may not be able to enjoy their progress much. That is because their partner has cursed that progress in their heart.

If you, then, don’t want your partner to someday curse your progress, don’t be selfish. Don’t just be thinking about what the person you want to marry will do for you or do to make you happy; you should also be thinking about what you will do for their progress in life and to make them happy.

Solomon says this to us and I believe it perfectly addresses love matters:

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” (Eccl 4:9-12NIV)

Did you see that? Solomon says that two people are better than one. But are two people always better than one? No! It is two people that are united in purpose and devoted to each other’s welfare that are better than one person. Where any group of two people are not devoted to each other’s welfare, they will not be better together, regardless of how talented each of them.

So, if you want to settle down for anyone, be sure that the person is someone that you both will willingly be devoted to each other’s welfare. Yes, be sure that both of you understand that your coming together should perfect both of you or make both of you better people.

Now what is all this telling you who are already in a love relationship? It is telling you that if both of you who are together are not devoted to each other’s welfare, you are in a wrong love relationship. Yes, of course, you can still make it right. But it is not up to one person alone to make it right. It will take both of you to make it right.

What I am saying is that if the love relationship you are in now is not making both of you better people, if it is not helping both of you see life better, to see the future better and progress in life faster, you need to examine it to know what is wrong. Perhaps one or both of you are selfish. And where that is the case, you need to deal with it before it is too late.

And let me also say this to you: there are times that a selfish partner may not be readily hurting you. For instance, if you are financially okay, you may not pay much attention to the selfishness of your partner. But that does not mean that it does not exist. And that also does not mean that their selfishness will not begin to hurt you someday.

Remember that I said that a selfish person is a parasite. And it is not in every parasitic relationship that the host will immediately feel the harm that the parasite it is hosting is doing. But at sooner or later, it will soon begin to feel the damage that the parasite is causing in its life.

In like manner, for certain reasons, you may not immediately know how terrible it is to be engaged or to be married to a selfish person. But sooner or later, you will know. And by the time you get to know, it may just be too late to make amends without hurting yourself and some other people in your life.

So, don’t ignore selfishness in your life. Instead, deal with it. And don’t, for any reason, ignore selfishness in the life of your lover or anyone you are considering for a love relationship. Instead, deal with it. Otherwise, as I already said, at some point, you may realise that it too late to save yourself or your relationship from it, if you should leave it unaddressed.

For instance, I know a woman whose husband is utterly irresponsible, as far as financial matters are concerned. He will not make money available for food in the house, neither will he take responsibility for the school fees of their children. It was the woman was always running up and down to see to her own welfare and that of their kids.

To show you how bad the case is, even when the man’s mother was sick, it was the woman that family members were calling for help. And at some point, they had to lie to the man that his mother was dead before he showed to check her. Can even you imagine that?

Well, why did the woman marry that kind of selfish person? Did she not pay attention to it at all before they got married? According to her, the reason she did not pay much attention to his selfishness was that she was financially okay to some extent before they got married. Because she was financially okay, she really did not pay much attention to the fact that the man would not give her gifts or show much serious interest about her business. And that was a very terrible mistake.

Also, when they got married, the excuse the man continually gave for not being financially responsible at home was that he was building a house for them. But when they eventually moved to the house, a house which only a little habitable at the time, he still continued to act irresponsible financially in their home. Why? The reason was that he is nothing but a selfish person.

Also, it will interest you that this same man wanted his wife to give him as many children as possible. In fact, at some point, he was ready to make her life miserable because he wanted more children from her. Was he considering how these children would be cared for? No! Was he considering what giving birth to many children would to do his wife’s health? No!

To the best of my knowledge, for every pregnancy that woman had, she was sick for months. And some women are like that. They become completely useless to themselves and to others around them when they become pregnant. And that is not because they want to be like that but because their bodies can’t just handle pregnancies well. So, getting pregnant for some of them is like receiving a death sentence.

Now that woman was just like that. Yet her husband wanted her to keep on mass producing children for him. What is that? Selfishness!

I shared that with you to let you know that once someone manifests selfishness in one area of their life, they will most likely manifest it in every other area of their lives. That, of course, is why you must not ignore any sign or display of selfishness that you see in the person you are in love with or that you are considering for a love relationship. Otherwise, you may regret it terribly someday.

A woman once told my wife of how her husband insisted that he must have sex with her less than a week after she had just put to bed. What was that? That was selfishness. That man was only concerned about his own pleasure; he was not concerned at all about the safety of his wife and that of their new born baby. And if you had to check his life carefully, you would most likely see that he was selfish in every other area of his life as well.

Now why do people end up marrying selfish people like the ones I just mentioned? The reason, most times, is that they ignore all the signs showing that they are selfish and that they will not take the welfare of their partners seriously, sooner or later. I also almost ended up with a selfish person as a wife. And it took my mother to make me pay attention to her selfishness.

How? Well, because I was financially stable to some degree at the time, I did not see anything wrong with the fact that she spent a whole year doing youth service and never bought anything for me. On the contrary, I was the one that often sent her money.

But one day, my mother asked me, “What did so and so get for you when she came back from her youth service?” And I said ‘Nothing’. Then she said, “But she is selfish sha…How much would it cost her to get you just some singlets as gifts?” But I just dismissed it as nothing serious, even though somewhere in my heart I could tell that something was wrong.

Then, one day, she came visiting and prepared some food for us. But before I came back from where I went, a brother and a sister from the church I used to attend then came visiting me and told her that they were hungry. Naturally, if they came to my house like that, they would just help themselves to whatever they could find to eat. But since they met her, out of respect, they told her that they were hungry. And what did she say? She said that there was no food at all in the house.

But on their way out, the sister of the two, out of curiosity, decided to open some of the covered plates on the table we were using to cook then. And she was surprised to find that there was food there. So, they just left my place wondering what sort of woman I was going to marry.

Now did they tell me this? No, they did not. But thankfully, they told it to another sister who eventually told me about it. And that was even months later after I had severed my relationship with her for some other reasons. But what if I did not have some other valid reasons for ending my love affair with her, I would mostly likely have blindly married her, even though there were signs that she was a selfish person. And only God knew what sort of disaster that marriage would have been.

Well, I am sure my point to you is very clear. And it is that once someone is selfish in a way, the person will most likely be selfish in every other area of their life. Therefore, avoid a love relationship with them. And if you are already in one with them, confront them with the truth about their selfishness. How they respond to the truth, then, is what will let you know whether you should continue with them or end whatever you have with them. But be certain that you too are not a selfish person. Otherwise, you are bound to ruin anyone that ends up marrying you.

This is where we will end our hangout for tonight. I pray that God will strengthen you all to take seriously what I just shared with you and also guide you into all that is best for you this year, in Jesus’ name. Amen. 

In our last hangout, we further looked at the significance of choosing a love partner that will always encourage us in doing the will of God. But then, it is not only our love partners that need to be encouraging us in doing the will of God; we too must be individuals that will be encouraging our love partners to do God’s will. Otherwise, our homes may not be able to stand in the face of certain trials or challenges of life.

Moving a little away from that, in choosing the right love partners for ourselves, it is important that we choose someone that is not only concerned about their progress and welfare but that is also concerned about our progress and welfare. In other words, whoever we are choosing must be someone that is not selfish, someone that does not see his own progress and welfare as more important than ours.

One of the reasons many marriages are not working today is selfishness. People come into their marriages with the thought of using their partners to advance themselves in life. Why? The simple reason is that they believe that their own progress and welfare are more important than those of their partners. So, everything they are doing is geared towards realising their own visions and dreams. And they wouldn’t care if their partners’ lives remain stagnant or useless, as long as they are able to realise their own visions and dreams.

I once shared with you on this platform the story of a so-called pastor that sent one of his associates to stop a bank from employing his wife. Why? He was selfish and insecure. He did not want her to have access to more money than him. And that was because he believed that he would not be able to control her at will, if she should have enough money to do whatever she wanted.

But God did not set up the marriage institution so that someone will begin to control their partner in it. Yes, He was the one that made the man the head of every marriage relationship. But His aim is not for the man to be a controller but a leader. That is why He commands him to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. (Cf. Eph 5:22-33)

Now that is actually profound. If the man loves his wife, he will never want to rule her. Instead, he will want to lead and help her. And what will he be leading and helping her to do? He will be leading and helping her to do the will of God. Also, He will be leading and helping her to realise her God-given potential in life.

In like manner, God has instructed the woman to submit to her husband and to also support him. In other words, she is not to make it difficult for him to lead her. Instead, regardless of what she knows or is capable of doing, she is to humble herself to follow her husband’s lead. Then she is also to do whatever she can to aid him in realising his God-given potential. That way, both of them can be established in the will of God for their lives.

Remember what God said in the beginning about the man and the woman. And what did He say about them? He said:

“Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." (Gen 1:26NIV)

Who is to rule over the earth and everything in it? Is it only the man? No! Yes, from the text, we may want to get the impression that when God said, “Let us make man…” He was simply referring to the male gender. But that is not what the text is saying. That is because, further in the text, we see that God said, “Let them rule…” And by that He meant that ‘Man’ is to be the general form of addressing both the male and the female gender.

In any case, the point I am making is that, in God’s mind, it is both the man and the woman that should rule and replenish the earth together. That, then, means that men have no right to monopolise the ability to dream and have visions. Women can also dream and have visions. Women also have the ability to take charge in this world and change things or make things happen.

Yes, in the home, the woman is to take the position of an associate. That, however, is not to say that she has no right to dream big and go to great heights in life. She does. And no one should attempt to take that away from her. But if she ends up in a marriage with a selfish person, that is what will most likely happen to her. Her dreams will be taken away from her or totally destroyed.

You can why we are now, like never before, having many single mothers all around the world. These are women who love to have and raise children and who think they are better off doing so on their own and outside the marriage setting. Why is this becoming popular? The reason is that men are getting more and more selfish. And that, of course, is consistent with what we have in Scriptures.

But it is not only men that are getting more and more selfish. Women are also getting more and more selfish. They too want to advance themselves in life at all cost, that is, without minding who gets hurt or gets pushed down in the process. And we see this all the time in our offices. Men and women competing with one another in very crazy ways for all kinds of reasons.

Unfortunately, we are also witnessing very similar things in many homes. We see many husbands and wives competing with one another and forgetting that they are supposed to be on the same teams and supporting one another. And that is what will most likely happen when someone feels that they are being left behind by their partner in the journey of success in life. But the truth is that it is the spirit of selfishness that is behind it.

Now if you don’t want to find yourself someday competing with your future husband or wife, you had better make sure you don’t choose a selfish person. And it must start with you. You too must not be selfish. You must not be someone that is only concerned about their own success and cares nothing about the success of others. If you are like that, you are not good for any team, not to even talk of a marriage.

Some of us that have been students or that are still students may how it feels to labour hard with some people to do a project and then just one person takes all the credit. Even if the person is your lecturer, and he takes all the credit for a paper you spent your money, time and effort to work on, will you be happy with him? If you have the privilege to punish him for that, will you not want to do so?

In like manner, if you are going into a love relationship, you are going to be a part of a team. That being the case, success will no longer be defined on the individual plane but on the team plane. In other words, as long as you are part of that team, you cannot focus on your individual success alone but also on the success of the team. Otherwise, it will be best you stay on your own.

Do you get my point? You don’t have to marry anyone, if you are not ready to work together as a team with that person. And working as a team with the person will mean finding how your personal success will translate into the success of the person as well. And where your success will not benefit the person or will ruin the person’s chances to succeed, you will have to let go.

But how many people are willing to let go to make their love relationships or marriages work? How many people are willing to make sacrifices for their lovers or spouses not to be behind or not to have a feeling of being behind in life? It is only those who are not selfish that will be willing to do that.

The bible says:

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Phil 2:3-4NIV)

Did you see that? These rules are not only applicable in church relationships; they are also applicable in love relationships. You cannot afford to be a selfish person, if you want to have a love life that will give birth to a joyous and fruitful marriage. You cannot afford to be thinking about yourself alone and also planning about yourself alone. It won’t work.

You have to be someone that is keenly and genuinely concerned about the affairs of your love partner for you to be able to build a true future home with them. And are you that kind of person, if you are already in a love relationship? Can you be that kind of person, if you are not yet in a love relationship?

Look at what is said about the virtuous woman in the bible: “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” (Prov 31:11-12NIV)

Did you see that? Why does the husband of the virtuous woman have confidence in her? The reason is that she is devoted to bringing him good and not harm every day of her life. In other words, the man is so sure that whatever the woman does is not just for her good alone but also for his good. So, he trusts her absolutely.

You also have to be that kind of person that your lover will trust absolutely. You have to be that kind of person that your lover can vouch for their devotion any day and any time. And you won’t be that kind of person by mere words of mouth; your actions have to prove it.

So, when you are talking to your lover or someone you are considering for a love life, what is the focus of your discussion? Is everything about what you want to do and what you want? There are people like that. When they are conversing with you, all you will be hearing are the things they want to do and want to have. They won’t ask about what you want to do and what you want to have. And even if you want to tell them, they are hardly ready to listen.

People like such are selfish. They are only interested in themselves and what they want for themselves. And that is, in fact, why they are after you. They want you for themselves because they can see that you will serve some purpose in their lives. But are interested in whether you want them for yourself? No! Are they interested in whether they are going to serve any good purpose in your own life? No, they are not. They just want you. And if, for any reason, they should no longer see you as useful to them, they will not hesitate to discard you, even in a marriage.

All this is why many marriages are breaking early. People go into those marriages because they want to use their partners. And when are no longer about to use them or when they no longer find them useful to them, they will start looking for excuses to divorce or get rid of them.

Now you don’t need to offer any special prayer to God to know that anyone that is like that is not right for you. But it is possible that you too are like that. All that you have programmed your mind to talk about is what you want and what you want to do. And you have to change. You have to change because you are not the only one here on earth. And life is not for you alone. It is for others as well. So, you have to be interested in others too, genuinely interested in them. Yes, you have to be genuinely interested in their welfare and progress. That is what will make them trust you enough to want to be with you for the rest of their lives.

Let us stop here for this evening. I pray that the few things I have shared with you will guide and establish you in the will of God for your life. Amen.

Thank you everyone for your time, attention and contributions. 

What we have been looking at in our most recent hangouts is how to get it right in choosing our love partners. And this is not applicable to those who are just considering entering a love relationship but to also those who have had failed love relationships. In fact, as I said in a previous hangout, those who have had failed love relationships need to pay a very careful attention to the things I have been sharing with you. That is because they may miss it again, if they have not yet learnt from their past mistakes.

Why have some had like three or more love relationships and have still not arrived? I also had like three before I eventually settled down with the person I married. Why? It was because I did not seriously give myself to considering what the word of God says about getting it right in choosing a love companion. And though I glad I did not miss it after all, it was not because I had enough spiritual sense at the time to choose the right woman. I did not at all. It was just the mercy of God that made that happen.

Yes, my heart was seriously after choosing the right person. And I also had enough word of God in me to know that an unbeliever was not an option. But I did not know most of the things I am teaching now at the time. Yes, if I had known them, I would still have made the choice that I made. But it would not have been an accident but some done deliberately and with a mind thoroughly renewed by the word of God.

So, I am saying you can get it right in choosing your love partner accidentally. But that accident in itself will be a function of the mercy of God. I know some good people that did not accidentally get it right in choosing the right marriage partners. And now they are paying heavily for being ignorant of the will of God for their lives in love matters.

Don’t hope, then, that you will somehow get it right in choosing your love partner or that things will somehow fall in their right places for you, as far as your love life is concerned. That will be nothing but gambling. And how many gamblers do you know that are living well on gambling? I don’t know of any. Maybe you do. But I beseech you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ not to gamble with your love life.

Now, if you will not gamble with your love life, you need to give serious attention to the things I have been teaching you here. And that is not because I am the one teaching you – anyone could teach you anything on love matters – but because what I am teaching you is the truth of the word of God.

Well then, the last thing we looked at has to do with handling your love relationship with purity. Why is that important? It is important because it is with the will of God for you. So, if a love relationship with someone will ruin the purity in your life or is already threatening your purity, you may want to reconsider your stand on it.

But know that God will not force you to get out of a love life that is a trap for sexual immorality, if you are unwilling to do so. That is your choice to make. And if you choose wrong, God also may not step in and prevent you from experiencing the consequences of your wrong choice. So, mind yourself.

Now another thing that God wants your love relationship to be accomplishing is your spiritual edification. A love relationship may not introduce impurity into your life. But it may also not be contributing anything at all to your spiritual growth. I mean that it may not be encouraging you to stand firm in the will of God or to stay true in your walk with Him.

Look at the first human marriage, for example. Though it was God Himself that set it up, those in it did not spur each other up to remain true to God. How was that so? Well, as we see in the bible, when Satan came deceiving Eve, Adam was right there with her and did nothing to stop her from sinning against God.

Yes, I know that you have probably been taught in the children’s church that Adam was not around that day when Eve was being tempted by the devil and that he only came back to see that she had already eaten the forbidden fruit. So, he too decided to follow suit. But that is not what the bible says. Look at what the bible says:

“When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.” (Gen 3:6-7NIV)

Did you see that? Adam was right there with Eve when she was going to pluck the forbidden fruit to eat. Yet he did not stop her. Instead, he allowed her to do the wrong thing and even joined her in doing so. Yet when God was going to judge them, he did not hesitate at all to blame his wife for his sin. In fact, he even tried to make God feel bad for bringing him that beautiful woman, for he said, “The woman you put here with me — she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” (Gen 3:12NIV)

In like manner, there are husbands today that blame their wives for their lack of devotion to God, just as there are wives that blame their husbands for their lack of devotion to God. But while you can blame anybody for not being true to God, you won’t be able to freely blame anyone for exposing yourself to God’s judgment or satanic afflictions. And even if you find anyone to blame, it won’t change anything or ease your sufferings.

Therefore, it is important that in choosing a love partner, you choose someone that will aid you in loving and serving God more and more. Otherwise, lukewarmness may soon catch up with you. And before we know it, you will have become an utterly carnal person.

Look also at the case of Ananias and Saphirah. Why did they both die an early death? Was it because they were not Christians? No! Rather, it was because they were both carnal Christians. So, instead of encouraging themselves in doing the will of God, they were encouraging themselves to go contrary to His will. And that earned them an untimely death. (Cf. Acts 5:1-10)

So, you don’t need a carnal believer as your love partner. No, you don’t need in your life someone that you will not be mutually encouraging each other. Instead, you need someone that will continually encourage and move you to do what is right.

You know that there are times that we are just reluctant to do certain things that we know to be right. And there are also times that we may overlook what is right for us to do and not do it. But if, at such times, we have someone that loves us and that we also love that is calling our attention to the need for us to do what is right, we will most likely do it, if we do not want to deliberately act contrary to the will of God.

Also, there are times that we may want to take a wrong step out of frustration or disappointment in some people or even in God. But if someone that we love dearly steps into the situation to stop us from our reckless trip and to also restore us, we will most likely abandon the wrong thing we are bent on doing and repent before God.

Why did David go for Abigail and marry her after the death of her husband, Nabal? Was it because she was the most beautiful woman in the land? No! Of course, Abigail was a pretty woman. But being a valiant man, David would have been used at the time to seeing pretty women and to having them around him. So, Abigail’s beauty may not be enough for him to remember her and go for her after the death of her husband. (Cf. 1Sam 25)

However, there was something Abigail did that David could never forget. And it was the fact that she stopped him from sinning terribly against God. Yes, she stopped him from shedding innocent blood in a moment of anger.

As the account goes, because Nabal, Abigail’s husband, had treated David and his men with contempt, he became so furious that he made up his mind to destroy the man’s entire household. And was that not too much? It was! Yes, Nabal messed up. But killing him and his household would have been nothing but oppression on the part of David. That is because the man was not under any legal obligation to give anything David and his men on that occasion.

Yet David was bent on killing him for insulting him. But Abigail, having heard about the matter, lost no time at all in going to stop David. And though it was most likely her first time of meeting him, she spoke with such wisdom and calmness that David lost his strength to fight. He, then, had to admit that it was God that had sent her to stop him from messing up.

Well, he went back home thinking about the whole situation and what great deliverance Abigail made him experience that day from bloodshed. I am sure he thought about the matter day after day until he secretly fell in love with the woman, a wife of another man. Why? That was probably his first time of meeting someone that would risk her life to prevent him from sinning against God.

You know that Abigail could have gotten herself killed that day, if she had failed in pacifying David. And she too must have known that she may possibly die while attempting to pacify David not to sin against God. Yet she took the risk and came to beg to have a rethink of what he wanted to do. And because it was actually God that moved her to do what she did, she was favoured by David and his men.

Well, my point is that David could not just let that kind of woman go ahead and marry another man after the death of her husband. So, he lost no time at her to propose to her after she was done mourning her husband and to marry her. And I am of the opinion of that if Abigail had known on time about David’s desire to have Bathsheba years later, she would most likely have stopped him from taking that foolish step.

In the same vein, if you must settle for anybody at all, settle for someone that will always encourage you to do the will of God and not to sin against Him. Don’t settle for someone like Adam that will keep watching you until you enter hell or someone that is ready to follow you to hell. Yes, the person may love you dearly. But as long as they are ready to enter heaven or hell with you, their love for you is blind. Therefore, they will not be able to help you, if you should miss it.

The kind of lover God wants you to have is that person that will always encourage you to do what is right and that will not hesitate to stop you from doing what is wrong, even at the risk of your love life. There are people who will not stop their lovers from certain wrong things they are doing because they are so much in love with them that they don’t want to lose them. So, though they know they are involved in internet scam, swindling, money rituals, drunkenness or some other kinds of sins, they will not address them on their sins or expose them to those who can help them. And what will happen is that they will all suffer together someday with those lovers, when the cups of their sins become full.

You, however, should not be like that. Don’t settle for any lover that you cannot talk to or advisee on doing the will of God. And don’t settle for any lover that cannot boldly talk to you or advise you on the will of God for your life. That is a wrong person for you. And you should stay away from them, as far as love matters are concerned.

How, then, will you know if someone will be of true support to you in your walk with God or not? We will continue from there during our next hangout. I pray that the few things I have shared with you on this matter will produce in all your lives results that will bring glory to God. Amen.

Thank you everyone and stay immeasurably blessed. 

What we have been looking at in our most recent hangouts is how to get it right in choosing our love partners. And this is not applicable to those who are just considering entering a love relationship but to also those who have had failed love relationships. In fact, as I said in a previous hangout, those who have had failed love relationships need to pay a very careful attention to the things I have been sharing with you. That is because they may miss it again, if they have not yet learnt from their past mistakes.

Why have some had like three or more love relationships and have still not arrived? I also had like three before I eventually settled down with the person I married. Why? It was because I did not seriously give myself to considering what the word of God says about getting it right in choosing a love companion. And though I glad I did not miss it after all, it was not because I had enough spiritual sense at the time to choose the right woman. I did not at all. It was just the mercy of God that made that happen.

Yes, my heart was seriously after choosing the right person. And I also had enough word of God in me to know that an unbeliever was not an option. But I did not know most of the things I am teaching now at the time. Yes, if I had known them, I would still have made the choice that I made. But it would not have been an accident but some done deliberately and with a mind thoroughly renewed by the word of God.

So, I am saying you can get it right in choosing your love partner accidentally. But that accident in itself will be a function of the mercy of God. I know some good people that did not accidentally get it right in choosing the right marriage partners. And now they are paying heavily for being ignorant of the will of God for their lives in love matters.

Don’t hope, then, that you will somehow get it right in choosing your love partner or that things will somehow fall in their right places for you, as far as your love life is concerned. That will be nothing but gambling. And how many gamblers do you know that are living well on gambling? I don’t know of any. Maybe you do. But I beseech you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ not to gamble with your love life.

Now, if you will not gamble with your love life, you need to give serious attention to the things I have been teaching you here. And that is not because I am the one teaching you – anyone could teach you anything on love matters – but because what I am teaching you is the truth of the word of God.

Well then, the last thing we looked at has to do with handling your love relationship with purity. Why is that important? It is important because it is with the will of God for you. So, if a love relationship with someone will ruin the purity in your life or is already threatening your purity, you may want to reconsider your stand on it.

But know that God will not force you to get out of a love life that is a trap for sexual immorality, if you are unwilling to do so. That is your choice to make. And if you choose wrong, God also may not step in and prevent you from experiencing the consequences of your wrong choice. So, mind yourself.

Now another thing that God wants your love relationship to be accomplishing is your spiritual edification. A love relationship may not introduce impurity into your life. But it may also not be contributing anything at all to your spiritual growth. I mean that it may not be encouraging you to stand firm in the will of God or to stay true in your walk with Him.

Look at the first human marriage, for example. Though it was God Himself that set it up, those in it did not spur each other up to remain true to God. How was that so? Well, as we see in the bible, when Satan came deceiving Eve, Adam was right there with her and did nothing to stop her from sinning against God.

Yes, I know that you have probably been taught in the children’s church that Adam was not around that day when Eve was being tempted by the devil and that he only came back to see that she had already eaten the forbidden fruit. So, he too decided to follow suit. But that is not what the bible says. Look at what the bible says:

“When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.” (Gen 3:6-7NIV)

Did you see that? Adam was right there with Eve when she was going to pluck the forbidden fruit to eat. Yet he did not stop her. Instead, he allowed her to do the wrong thing and even joined her in doing so. Yet when God was going to judge them, he did not hesitate at all to blame his wife for his sin. In fact, he even tried to make God feel bad for bringing him that beautiful woman, for he said, “The woman you put here with me — she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” (Gen 3:12NIV)

In like manner, there are husbands today that blame their wives for their lack of devotion to God, just as there are wives that blame their husbands for their lack of devotion to God. But while you can blame anybody for not being true to God, you won’t be able to freely blame anyone for exposing yourself to God’s judgment or satanic afflictions. And even if you find anyone to blame, it won’t change anything or ease your sufferings.

Therefore, it is important that in choosing a love partner, you choose someone that will aid you in loving and serving God more and more. Otherwise, lukewarmness may soon catch up with you. And before we know it, you will have become an utterly carnal person.

Look also at the case of Ananias and Saphirah. Why did they both die an early death? Was it because they were not Christians? No! Rather, it was because they were both carnal Christians. So, instead of encouraging themselves in doing the will of God, they were encouraging themselves to go contrary to His will. And that earned them an untimely death. (Cf. Acts 5:1-10)

So, you don’t need a carnal believer as your love partner. No, you don’t need in your life someone that you will not be mutually encouraging each other. Instead, you need someone that will continually encourage and move you to do what is right.

You know that there are times that we are just reluctant to do certain things that we know to be right. And there are also times that we may overlook what is right for us to do and not do it. But if, at such times, we have someone that loves us and that we also love that is calling our attention to the need for us to do what is right, we will most likely do it, if we do not want to deliberately act contrary to the will of God.

Also, there are times that we may want to take a wrong step out of frustration or disappointment in some people or even in God. But if someone that we love dearly steps into the situation to stop us from our reckless trip and to also restore us, we will most likely abandon the wrong thing we are bent on doing and repent before God.

Why did David go for Abigail and marry her after the death of her husband, Nabal? Was it because she was the most beautiful woman in the land? No! Of course, Abigail was a pretty woman. But being a valiant man, David would have been used at the time to seeing pretty women and to having them around him. So, Abigail’s beauty may not be enough for him to remember her and go for her after the death of her husband. (Cf. 1Sam 25)

However, there was something Abigail did that David could never forget. And it was the fact that she stopped him from sinning terribly against God. Yes, she stopped him from shedding innocent blood in a moment of anger.

As the account goes, because Nabal, Abigail’s husband, had treated David and his men with contempt, he became so furious that he made up his mind to destroy the man’s entire household. And was that not too much? It was! Yes, Nabal messed up. But killing him and his household would have been nothing but oppression on the part of David. That is because the man was not under any legal obligation to give anything David and his men on that occasion.

Yet David was bent on killing him for insulting him. But Abigail, having heard about the matter, lost no time at all in going to stop David. And though it was most likely her first time of meeting him, she spoke with such wisdom and calmness that David lost his strength to fight. He, then, had to admit that it was God that had sent her to stop him from messing up.

Well, he went back home thinking about the whole situation and what great deliverance Abigail made him experience that day from bloodshed. I am sure he thought about the matter day after day until he secretly fell in love with the woman, a wife of another man. Why? That was probably his first time of meeting someone that would risk her life to prevent him from sinning against God.

You know that Abigail could have gotten herself killed that day, if she had failed in pacifying David. And she too must have known that she may possibly die while attempting to pacify David not to sin against God. Yet she took the risk and came to beg to have a rethink of what he wanted to do. And because it was actually God that moved her to do what she did, she was favoured by David and his men.

Well, my point is that David could not just let that kind of woman go ahead and marry another man after the death of her husband. So, he lost no time at her to propose to her after she was done mourning her husband and to marry her. And I am of the opinion of that if Abigail had known on time about David’s desire to have Bathsheba years later, she would most likely have stopped him from taking that foolish step.

In the same vein, if you must settle for anybody at all, settle for someone that will always encourage you to do the will of God and not to sin against Him. Don’t settle for someone like Adam that will keep watching you until you enter hell or someone that is ready to follow you to hell. Yes, the person may love you dearly. But as long as they are ready to enter heaven or hell with you, their love for you is blind. Therefore, they will not be able to help you, if you should miss it.

The kind of lover God wants you to have is that person that will always encourage you to do what is right and that will not hesitate to stop you from doing what is wrong, even at the risk of your love life. There are people who will not stop their lovers from certain wrong things they are doing because they are so much in love with them that they don’t want to lose them. So, though they know they are involved in internet scam, swindling, money rituals, drunkenness or some other kinds of sins, they will not address them on their sins or expose them to those who can help them. And what will happen is that they will all suffer together someday with those lovers, when the cups of their sins become full.

You, however, should not be like that. Don’t settle for any lover that you cannot talk to or advisee on doing the will of God. And don’t settle for any lover that cannot boldly talk to you or advise you on the will of God for your life. That is a wrong person for you. And you should stay away from them, as far as love matters are concerned.

How, then, will you know if someone will be of true support to you in your walk with God or not? We will continue from there during our next hangout. I pray that the few things I have shared with you on this matter will produce in all your lives results that will bring glory to God. Amen.

Thank you everyone and stay immeasurably blessed. 

What we have been looking at in our most recent hangouts is how to get it right in choosing our love partners. And this is not applicable to those who are just considering entering a love relationship but to also those who have had failed love relationships. In fact, as I said in a previous hangout, those who have had failed love relationships need to pay a very careful attention to the things I have been sharing with you. That is because they may miss it again, if they have not yet learnt from their past mistakes.

Why have some had like three or more love relationships and have still not arrived? I also had like three before I eventually settled down with the person I married. Why? It was because I did not seriously give myself to considering what the word of God says about getting it right in choosing a love companion. And though I glad I did not miss it after all, it was not because I had enough spiritual sense at the time to choose the right woman. I did not at all. It was just the mercy of God that made that happen.

Yes, my heart was seriously after choosing the right person. And I also had enough word of God in me to know that an unbeliever was not an option. But I did not know most of the things I am teaching now at the time. Yes, if I had known them, I would still have made the choice that I made. But it would not have been an accident but some done deliberately and with a mind thoroughly renewed by the word of God.

So, I am saying you can get it right in choosing your love partner accidentally. But that accident in itself will be a function of the mercy of God. I know some good people that did not accidentally get it right in choosing the right marriage partners. And now they are paying heavily for being ignorant of the will of God for their lives in love matters.

Don’t hope, then, that you will somehow get it right in choosing your love partner or that things will somehow fall in their right places for you, as far as your love life is concerned. That will be nothing but gambling. And how many gamblers do you know that are living well on gambling? I don’t know of any. Maybe you do. But I beseech you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ not to gamble with your love life.

Now, if you will not gamble with your love life, you need to give serious attention to the things I have been teaching you here. And that is not because I am the one teaching you – anyone could teach you anything on love matters – but because what I am teaching you is the truth of the word of God.

Well then, the last thing we looked at has to do with handling your love relationship with purity. Why is that important? It is important because it is with the will of God for you. So, if a love relationship with someone will ruin the purity in your life or is already threatening your purity, you may want to reconsider your stand on it.

But know that God will not force you to get out of a love life that is a trap for sexual immorality, if you are unwilling to do so. That is your choice to make. And if you choose wrong, God also may not step in and prevent you from experiencing the consequences of your wrong choice. So, mind yourself.

Now another thing that God wants your love relationship to be accomplishing is your spiritual edification. A love relationship may not introduce impurity into your life. But it may also not be contributing anything at all to your spiritual growth. I mean that it may not be encouraging you to stand firm in the will of God or to stay true in your walk with Him.

Look at the first human marriage, for example. Though it was God Himself that set it up, those in it did not spur each other up to remain true to God. How was that so? Well, as we see in the bible, when Satan came deceiving Eve, Adam was right there with her and did nothing to stop her from sinning against God.

Yes, I know that you have probably been taught in the children’s church that Adam was not around that day when Eve was being tempted by the devil and that he only came back to see that she had already eaten the forbidden fruit. So, he too decided to follow suit. But that is not what the bible says. Look at what the bible says:

“When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.” (Gen 3:6-7NIV)

Did you see that? Adam was right there with Eve when she was going to pluck the forbidden fruit to eat. Yet he did not stop her. Instead, he allowed her to do the wrong thing and even joined her in doing so. Yet when God was going to judge them, he did not hesitate at all to blame his wife for his sin. In fact, he even tried to make God feel bad for bringing him that beautiful woman, for he said, “The woman you put here with me — she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” (Gen 3:12NIV)

In like manner, there are husbands today that blame their wives for their lack of devotion to God, just as there are wives that blame their husbands for their lack of devotion to God. But while you can blame anybody for not being true to God, you won’t be able to freely blame anyone for exposing yourself to God’s judgment or satanic afflictions. And even if you find anyone to blame, it won’t change anything or ease your sufferings.

Therefore, it is important that in choosing a love partner, you choose someone that will aid you in loving and serving God more and more. Otherwise, lukewarmness may soon catch up with you. And before we know it, you will have become an utterly carnal person.

Look also at the case of Ananias and Saphirah. Why did they both die an early death? Was it because they were not Christians? No! Rather, it was because they were both carnal Christians. So, instead of encouraging themselves in doing the will of God, they were encouraging themselves to go contrary to His will. And that earned them an untimely death. (Cf. Acts 5:1-10)

So, you don’t need a carnal believer as your love partner. No, you don’t need in your life someone that you will not be mutually encouraging each other. Instead, you need someone that will continually encourage and move you to do what is right.

You know that there are times that we are just reluctant to do certain things that we know to be right. And there are also times that we may overlook what is right for us to do and not do it. But if, at such times, we have someone that loves us and that we also love that is calling our attention to the need for us to do what is right, we will most likely do it, if we do not want to deliberately act contrary to the will of God.

Also, there are times that we may want to take a wrong step out of frustration or disappointment in some people or even in God. But if someone that we love dearly steps into the situation to stop us from our reckless trip and to also restore us, we will most likely abandon the wrong thing we are bent on doing and repent before God.

Why did David go for Abigail and marry her after the death of her husband, Nabal? Was it because she was the most beautiful woman in the land? No! Of course, Abigail was a pretty woman. But being a valiant man, David would have been used at the time to seeing pretty women and to having them around him. So, Abigail’s beauty may not be enough for him to remember her and go for her after the death of her husband. (Cf. 1Sam 25)

However, there was something Abigail did that David could never forget. And it was the fact that she stopped him from sinning terribly against God. Yes, she stopped him from shedding innocent blood in a moment of anger.

As the account goes, because Nabal, Abigail’s husband, had treated David and his men with contempt, he became so furious that he made up his mind to destroy the man’s entire household. And was that not too much? It was! Yes, Nabal messed up. But killing him and his household would have been nothing but oppression on the part of David. That is because the man was not under any legal obligation to give anything David and his men on that occasion.

Yet David was bent on killing him for insulting him. But Abigail, having heard about the matter, lost no time at all in going to stop David. And though it was most likely her first time of meeting him, she spoke with such wisdom and calmness that David lost his strength to fight. He, then, had to admit that it was God that had sent her to stop him from messing up.

Well, he went back home thinking about the whole situation and what great deliverance Abigail made him experience that day from bloodshed. I am sure he thought about the matter day after day until he secretly fell in love with the woman, a wife of another man. Why? That was probably his first time of meeting someone that would risk her life to prevent him from sinning against God.

You know that Abigail could have gotten herself killed that day, if she had failed in pacifying David. And she too must have known that she may possibly die while attempting to pacify David not to sin against God. Yet she took the risk and came to beg to have a rethink of what he wanted to do. And because it was actually God that moved her to do what she did, she was favoured by David and his men.

Well, my point is that David could not just let that kind of woman go ahead and marry another man after the death of her husband. So, he lost no time at her to propose to her after she was done mourning her husband and to marry her. And I am of the opinion of that if Abigail had known on time about David’s desire to have Bathsheba years later, she would most likely have stopped him from taking that foolish step.

In the same vein, if you must settle for anybody at all, settle for someone that will always encourage you to do the will of God and not to sin against Him. Don’t settle for someone like Adam that will keep watching you until you enter hell or someone that is ready to follow you to hell. Yes, the person may love you dearly. But as long as they are ready to enter heaven or hell with you, their love for you is blind. Therefore, they will not be able to help you, if you should miss it.

The kind of lover God wants you to have is that person that will always encourage you to do what is right and that will not hesitate to stop you from doing what is wrong, even at the risk of your love life. There are people who will not stop their lovers from certain wrong things they are doing because they are so much in love with them that they don’t want to lose them. So, though they know they are involved in internet scam, swindling, money rituals, drunkenness or some other kinds of sins, they will not address them on their sins or expose them to those who can help them. And what will happen is that they will all suffer together someday with those lovers, when the cups of their sins become full.

You, however, should not be like that. Don’t settle for any lover that you cannot talk to or advisee on doing the will of God. And don’t settle for any lover that cannot boldly talk to you or advise you on the will of God for your life. That is a wrong person for you. And you should stay away from them, as far as love matters are concerned.

How, then, will you know if someone will be of true support to you in your walk with God or not? We will continue from there during our next hangout. I pray that the few things I have shared with you on this matter will produce in all your lives results that will bring glory to God. Amen.

Thank you everyone and stay immeasurably blessed. 

In our most recent hangouts, we have been looking at the need for those in love relationships or those going into love relationships to keep themselves pure in these relationships. How are they to do that? First, it is by learning to control their bodies. Second, it is by running away from sexual immorality.

But then, there is also another aspect of abstaining from sexual immorality that we need to pay attention to. And that involves not taking advantage of people’s sexual weaknesses. Let me give you the main Scripture we using to do this again:

“It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.” (1Thess 4:3-8NIV)

Observe that we are not just told to learn to control our own bodies in that text; we are also told not to take advantage of anyone in sexual matters. What does that mean? It means that there may be situations in which certain people’s weaknesses may result in sexual temptations for us.

What I am saying is that some people of the opposite sex may not be out to seduce you. Or let me say that your love partner may not be out to seduce you to sin sexually. But their weakness in certain areas of their lives may create an opportunity for you to engage in sexual sins with them. And if you don’t watch yourself in such situations, you may end up taking advantage of them. Then, even though God will hold both of you responsible for sin, you, who have taken advantage of them, will be held more responsible for it.

For instance, when God was going to judge the adultery between David and Bathsheba, who did He hold responsible more? It was David. Yes, Bathsheba too was punished, though that is not clearly stated in the bible. But she too was punished. At least, we know from the bible that she carried David’s pregnancy for some months, went through labour pains, gave birth to her first child and then lost the baby. And the only reason she lost that baby was that God had said that the boy would die. So, all her labour over him was in vain. Even the shame that she bore and endured because of that baby was also in vain. If that was not punishment, then, what was it? (Cf. 2Sam 11&12)

But then, it was David that served more punishments. He was the one that his entire house came under God’s judgment for their adultery. Why? It was because he was the one that led the woman into sin. Yes, Bathsheba was not discreet enough when she was taking her bath the night that David first saw her. She was not in a village but in a city, the city of Jerusalem. So, she had no excuse for taking her bath where anybody could easily feast on her beautiful body. That was carelessness. And carelessness is a weakness.

However, Bathsheba did not come out that night because of David. She could not even have known that David would be walking around on the roof of His palace that night. At any rate, David saw her beautiful body and could not resist the urge of wanting to have something with her. So, he sent for her and ended up sleeping with her that same night.

Now we are not told in the bible that David raped her. And that is because he did not rape her. What happened between them was out of mutual consent. But how did David get her to betray her husband? It must by using her weakness against her. And what weakness would that be? Would that be her carelessness in taking her bath where she could be easily seen? No! Rather, it must have been that of being sex-starved.

Remember that Bathsheba’s husband, Uriah, was not around at the time. The man was at the war-front. And we would not know how long he had been away. But even when he was called back home by the king, he would still not use the opportunity to visit his lonely and young wife to speak to her or comfort her. So, Uriah was most likely someone that took his military career more seriously than his marriage. And if David started out his conversation with Bathsheba by expressing concern for her loneliness and sexual starvation, she would need to be a very strong person in the spirit to resist the urge of having something to do with her handsome and powerful king.

Sadly, if Bathsheba was strong in the spirit at all, she was not strong enough on that occasion to resist David’s sweet and calm words. By the way, she probably did not think that just one night stand with David could result in a pregnancy. She was just a lonely woman at the time that needed a husband’s comfort. And David took advantage of that and commit adultery with her. You can see why it was David’s name that God was shouting after the deed had been done, not Bathsheba’s name.

In like manner, certain circumstances may put your love partner in a low spiritual or emotional state. And at such times, you may be the only one they will be relying on for comfort and restoration. That, then, may be a dangerous situation for you, one in which you may be pushed by the devil to take advantage of them. Unfortunately, you may not even see yourself as the one taking advantage of them in such situations; instead, you may see them as being used by the devil to make you fall. But that will not stop God from holding you largely responsible for whatever happens.

Therefore, just as it is important that you learn to control your body in a way that is holy and honourable before God, it is also important that you pay attention to anything that may seem to be a weakness in your lover or any other close person of the opposite sex that may expose you to sexual immorality. That way, you will be able to prepare yourself not to take advantage of them.

For instance, some people, including men, like crying a lot. They are so emotional that any ugly little thing will make them sober or make them cry. And if you have someone like that as your lover or as a close friend, you need to discipline yourself to always apply caution in relating to them anytime they are having their thing. You may probably want to hand a handkerchief to wipe their face when crying instead of wrapping your arms around them to comfort them. Otherwise, though they have no intention of seducing you, you may end up seducing yourself with them. And you are the one that God will hold largely responsible for whatever mess that follows.

Then some people are just naïve, just as some others are careless like Bathsheba. They don’t know that certain things are not proper to do with someone of the opposite sex. They don’t know how to sit properly. Or they don’t know that you don’t wear certain things to visit or around someone of the opposite sex, especially if the person is your lover. So, they may come to your room and sit or lie down on your bed, uninvited. Or they may ask you to help them massage their legs or arms. And that will be because they trust you.

Now if you do not deal in your mind with the fact that such an individual is just being naïve and set them right, you may end up taking advantage of them and sinning against God. And again, they may be the one you will be blaming for that. But God knows better.

I read an article in which a lady speaks of how she visited her pastor in a hotel and he ended up taking advantage of her there. Now someone may say, “Why would she visit a man in a hotel in the first place, even if the man was the pope?” And the person would be right to say that.

But according to her, she was so naïve at the time that she did not think that anything was wrong with visiting her pastor in a hotel. And that was because, as she also points out, every Christmas, as she was growing up, her father would take all of them in the family, including her mother, to a 5-star hotel in Abuja to stay and just enjoy themselves. So, she associated going to a hotel with family vacation or reunion. And she paid dearly for being naïve in that manner.

Now whether her story was true or false, the point is that some people are naïve in the area of dealing with those of the opposite sex. And God will expect you who know better to set them right in whatever area that they are naïve instead of seeing them as cheap meat to take advantage of. Otherwise, you will be exposing yourself to God’s judgment, as Paul tells us in our main text.

In any case, all of this is why you need to be determined that you are going to handle your love relationship and, of course, your other relationships with absolute purity and integrity of heart. Yes, you must be determined that you will not be polluted through your love life and also that you will not pollute your lover or anyone else. Otherwise, there is no guarantee that you will not mess up someday.

Why was Daniel not corrupted in Babylon? One of the reasons was that he was determined not to be corrupted. The bible says, “But Daniel was determined not to defile himself by eating the food and wine given to them by the king. He asked the chief of staff for permission not to eat these unacceptable foods.” (Dan 1:8NLT)

Did you see that? Daniel was determined not to be defiled. And because he was determined not to be defiled, he took some bold steps to ask for permission not to be defiled. Of course, God had to favour him and his friends for their determination to count for something. But until they showed themselves as determined to do the will of God, His favour could flow to them.

Loot at Joseph too. He was so determined not to have anything to do with Potiphar’s wife that he left his garment in her hand ran for his life. That, of course, got him into trouble. But because he did what he did to honour God, God also later lifted him out of the prison of men and honoured him.

In like manner, you too have to show yourself as determined to stay pure in your life and in your love relationship. Otherwise, you may find yourself becoming polluted before you even know it. You know there are kinds of situations that may lure us into sexual sins today. So, if we are not determined to stay pure, our feet will have been swept away in immorality before we wake up to realise what has happened to us.

But then, as I already pointed out, being determined to stay pure in our lives and love relationships is not enough. We also need God’s enablement. Peter was determined to die with Jesus. But when the time came for him to lay down his life for him, he did not have enough inner strength to do so. And he would have had enough strength to do so, if he had done what Jesus had told them to do, if he, along with the other apostles, had stayed awake that night to pray.

Jesus had said to Peter and others, “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." (Matt 26:41NIV) Did you see that? The fact that our spirit is willing to do something does not mean that it will end up doing it. The weakness of our body may affect it and hinder it from doing what it wants to do or what it is determined to do.

Therefore, we need to learn to pray and draw adequate strength from God to always do what we know to be right for us to do. Otherwise, we will find ourselves falling flat on our faces where we don’t expect to fall. The point, in any case, is that don’t rely on your determination to live a life of purity; instead, rely on God to keep you pure. Otherwise, you may someday disappoint yourself.

Let us stop here for tonight. May the Spirit of God sanctify you through and through, so that spirit, soul and body you will remain pure and blameless at the appearing of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Amen.

Thanks everyone. 

In our most recent hangouts, our focus has been on handling our love relationships with purity. And it does not matter whether you have been in a love relationship before or are just planning to start one, this is something that you must keep in mind: God wants you to abstain from sexual immorality. And if you see that as in a position to tell you what to do, then, you will take what He is saying to you on this matter seriously.

But how do we abstain from sexual immorality, especially since sex is inviting? How do we abstain from sexual immorality in a world that is saturated with all kinds of sexual scenes and sights? Almost everything of worth today is sold using sexually suggestive adverts. Even things as small as bathing soaps, body creams and toothpastes are often promoted with sexually suggestive adverts. That is not to talk about all the unsolicited for online pop-ups that are encouraging us to engage in sex with the next available person or that are inviting us to try some new products that will make us giants in sex matters.

How do we handle such things and stay pure in our lives and in our love lives? Well, it is by paying attention to the word of God. And what is the word of saying about how to avoid sexual immorality? The first thing it tells us is to learn to control our bodies. That means our bodies will not control themselves automatically where sex matters are concerned. At least, we know that our bodies will not control themselves automatically where food matters are concerned. We have to control them. Otherwise, they will control us and turn us to gluttons or drunkards or make us sick.

In like manner, we have to control our bodies and all emotions that can be stirred up through them where sex matters are concerned. Otherwise, they will control us and put us in trouble. And to control our bodies, as I pointed out in our previous hangout, we must understand them. In other words, we must know what turns on our bodies sexually and avoid them.

What, then, turn your body on sexually? How would I know? It is your business to know, not mine. So, get to know it and admit it. That way, you can avoid it.

Furthermore, if our bodies are turned on sexually for any reason, we must admit it and run. The word of God says, “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.” (1Cor 6:18NIV)

Did you see that? Another way to abstain from sexual immorality is to know when you need to run away from it and then run. You know the same word of God tells us to resist the devil and that he will flee from us, if we do so (James 4:7). But when it comes to sexual immorality, it does not tell us to resist it. Rather, it tells us to flee from it.

But why does the word of God not tell us to resist sexual immorality but to flee from it? It must be because it is irresistible. When do we say that something is irresistible? We say that when that thing is overpowering or highly desirable. And that is how sex is. It overpowers people and turns them into its slaves. It takes away their ability to think clearly and make sound judgments.

Think of what it did to Samson in the hands of Delilah. Despite the fact that he knew that Delilah was up to no good, he still told her the secret of his strength and survival and fell into the hands of his enemies. Why? She was offering him something powerful, something he could not resist or turn away from. And what was that? It was sex!

Sex is like a delicious meal that has been well-prepared and served, ready to consumed. And whether you have the right to consume it or not, it will invite you to come and have a taste. If you, then, don’t want to taste it and realise that you have been poisoned, you have better run. Otherwise, if continue to stay and gaze on this delicious meal, you will most likely have finished eating it before you realise that you have ensnared yourself.

All of this is why God, in His wisdom, commands us to flee from sexual immorality. In other words, if you are already being confronted with a situation in which you are being sexually tempted, just run. Don’t try to fight it or reason out the situation. It will not work. The only thing that will work in such a situation is for you to run.

What did Joseph do, when Potiphar’s wife began to harass him sexually? First, he began to avoid her as best as he could. Then when he eventually found himself alone with her, he did not beg or try to reason out things with her; instead, he ran. Why did he run? It was because he knew that if he stayed there with her, he would end up sleeping with her. (Cf. Gen 39:7-12)

In like manner, if you, for some reasons, should find yourself in a situation where you are being tempted with sexual sins, just run. Will that be easy to do? It depends on who is involved. It was not easy for Joseph to run away from his master’s wife. Yet he ran. Running away from her in that manner, of course, ruined his reputation for a while and also landed him in the prison. But because he did the right thing to honour God, God later vindicated and elevated him.

So, I am not saying that running away from sexual immorality is always an easy thing. Will it be easy for you to run away from your love partner, one that you are probably already planning your wedding together? No! But if every encounter with them is a temptation to commit sexual immorality, you will have to run from them.

Am I saying that you end that love relationship, one that is already nearing wedding? That is not what I am saying. But you must understand that a love relationship that has become a trap for sexual immorality is sick and dangerous. And you have to deal with that fact and see if it can be healed. Otherwise, even if you succeed in staying pure in that love relationship, what is the guarantee that your partner will stay pure and true to you, if you eventually marry each other?

I am saying that if your love partner cannot control their sexual feelings now that you are not married and are continually tempting you to sin with them, how will they control their sexual feelings towards others, if you eventually marry them? At least, by now you should know that everything about marriage is not sex. So, as inviting and overpowering as sex is, once you get married, you will realise that it is not something you or your partner can go for every day, if you are both responsible and none of you is a pervert.

How, then, will you handle yourselves on days that one of you is not ready for anything called sex, perhaps because of tiredness or an illness? Or how will you handle yourselves, if one of you has to travel or be away from home for some legitimate reasons? Will you not mess yourself up in adultery?

Why do educated men end up committing adultery with their illiterate house girls? Or how do refined women end up committing adultery with some crude gatekeepers or house boys? Is it not because they lack self-control and have most likely never learnt how to run away from sexual immorality?

As I told you before, marriage is not a cure for sexual immorality. But self-discipline is a cure for it. And self-discipline is also not enough; you must also know when you need to run. Yes, you must know when you need to completely stop seeing some people or being with them. Otherwise, you will have messed up sexually before you know it. And I am sure some of you on this platform will understand clearly what I am saying.

Now I am not trying to condemn you or call to memory the sins of your past. I have no right to do that. I have no intention of doing that. Jesus already paid the price for all our sins. So, there is no condemnation to any of us, if have accepted what He did for us by faith. (Cf. Rom 8:1; 1John 2:2)

However, if we refuse to learn from our past mistakes, we will most likely make them again or do things that are worse than them. And the kind of shame or discouragement that will bring upon us may be unspeakable. This is why I am saying, as far as sexual sins are concerned, you must know when you need to run. And if ending a love relationship is what that will mean for you, then, end it.

See, it is for our good that God commands us to abstain or flee from sexual immorality, as the case may apply. That is because apart from the eternal judgment that is coming on those who are sexually immoral, there also all kinds of dangers that such people are exposing themselves to. Look at some of the things Paul says about this:

“Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.” (1Cor 6:15-18NIV)

Did you see that? First, Christians who engage in sexual sins are doing something unthinkable, which is that they are unlawfully uniting Christ with immorality. How is that so? It is so because those of us who are Christians are now one in the spirit with the Lord Jesus Christ. So, He too is living in our bodies with us by His Spirit. In fact, the bible says that He is now the possessor of our bodies, for He has bought them with His own blood.

If we are, then, engaging in sexual immorality, we are abusing our bodies, which belong to the Lord Jesus. How, then, can He effectively use those bodies to accomplish His good purpose? This explains why some of God’s people are ineffective in Christian service today. Their bodies are being polluted through sexual sins. So, the grace and power of God cannot be freely communicated to others through them. What a shame!

Also, those who engage in sexual immorality, whether they are Christians or not, are unlawfully uniting themselves with one another. Therefore, they will have no answer for any problem they import into their lives through such unions. Some have become mad as a result of this. And some have become redundant in life as a result of this. And unless they receive mercy through faith in Christ Jesus, another person’s problems may become theirs forever.

Third, those who commit sexual sins are sinning against their own bodies. That means they are destroying their own bodies. How? They are exposing those bodies to satanic attacks. What form will such attacks take? I cannot say. It may be in form of some incurable sexually transmitted disease. It may be in form of barrenness or sterility. It may be anything. But whatever it is, it will take the mercy of God for such people to experience absolute freedom from it.

Finally, what about the shame that comes with being known as sexually immoral? Of course, some people’s consciences have already been totally damaged. So, even though their lives have now become a stench in the nostrils of those around because of their immorality, they feel nothing bad again. Satan finally has them where he wants them, where any further step they take in sexual immorality can destroy them totally.

In any case, sexual immorality invites shame, whether you have a sense of shame or not. And the shame it brings can be in form of unwanted pregnancies, harassment from people, loss of respect among the people of God and so forth. Is it, then, worth it?

So, for your own good, you ought to obey God and abstain from sexual immorality in your personal life and in your love relationship. And to do that, you must be self-disciplined and also know when you need to run from people or circumstances that can trap you in sexual sins.

This is where we will stop for this hangout. I pray that God, by His Spirit, will strengthen you to stand pure and blameless before Him at the appearing of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Amen.

Thank you everyone. 

In our last hangout, we began to look at the need for those who go into love relationships to be determined to handling them in purity. Why? It is the will of God for them to do so.

Let me give you the Scripture we used again:

“It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.” (1Thess 4:3-8NIV)

So, when you are being told in your church to keep yourself pure, whether you are ready for a love life or not, it is not the idea of your pastor; it is God’s command. And if you reject it, it is not man that you are rejecting but God.

Now how do you keep yourself and your love life pure? That is the question we were dealing with before we ended the last hangout. And the first thing I said we must do to keep ourselves pure and away from sexual immorality is to control our bodies. Again, that is not man’s idea; it is God’s instruction to us.

As we see in our main text, in order to avoid sexual immorality, each of us must learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable before God. In fact, we are further told that we must not allow our passions to run loose and out of control like those who do not know God. Those who do not know God may not tame their emotions or passions. And that is why they get easily turned on by anything that is sexually suggestive.

For example, years ago, I stood with some young men in school to collect some documents from the registrar’s office. And while we were all standing there, one of our female colleagues stopped by to greet us. And as she walked away from us, I overheard one of the young men there saying to another, “It seems this girl is not wearing undies. Let me follow her and see whether I will be able to get her.”

What was that? It was an expression of passionate lust. That young man was loose. He had no control over his sexual appetite or passion. And of course, he had no control over his tongue as well. So, he was a problem going somewhere to happen. And he was like that because he was an unbeliever, even though he might have been a church-goer.
Sadly, there are many like that young man in the world today. They have serious deficiency in self-control, as far as sex matters are concerned. And people like that can do anything to satisfy their sexual urges and passions. Why do we have rapists? Why do we have paedophiles? Why do we have those who engage in bestiality, sex with animals? Why do we have those who engage in orgies, sex parties, which is now referred to in the streets as threesome, foursome and so forth?

Then why do people end up sleeping with themselves on open fields, inside cars, inside uncompleted buildings, inside toilets or inside dry drainages? Why do people employ sex toys or masturbate? Why do people do these inconvenient things and shameful things?

The simple reason for all these perversions and shameful behaviours is that people can’t control their sexual urges or appetites. And were they born that way? No! No one is born a pervert. People become perverts because they allow the walls of self-control in their lives to totally collapse. Then they become so loose that their lives become a stench in the nostrils of those around them.

Now if you too, though you are child of God, will not get a handle on your sexual passions, you may end up becoming surprised one day, when you see how messy your life has become through sexual immorality. There are people in the church today who have been so messed up through sexual immorality that they now wonder whether they are still Christians. And all this is because they will not learn to control their bodies.

So, there is no shortcut to abstaining from sexual immorality. You just have to learn to control your own body, as the word of God has instructed us. It is not your job to control another person’s body. In fact, you cannot control another person’s body. You cannot control how they respond to your touch, your smile or your looks. But you can control how you respond to their touch, smile, looks and so forth. And you must control it. Otherwise, you end up sinning against God and messing up your life.

How, then, do you do that? It is by understanding your body. Know what turns you on sexually and stay away from it. We are told in the Scriptures that Joseph stopped hanging around Potiphar’s wife, when he saw that the woman was up to know good. Why? He must have come to understand his body. He must have come to understand that he would not survive the woman’s smooth talk and touch. So, he stayed altogether away from her. And that helped him stay pure. (Cf. Gen 39)

But you must understand that Joseph was dealing with another man’s wife and not his own fiancée. So, it was easy for him to make that decision to stay away from her. But what if he had been dealing with own fiancée, would it have been easy for him to avoid her, as he avoided Potiphar? It would most likely not have been easy for him. So, he would need to employ a greater measure of discipline in relating to her. Otherwise, both of them would be gone before they knew what befell them.

This, I believe, is why Paul says of himself, “No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.” (1Cor 9:27NIV) Did you see that? Even this apostle who chose to live a life of celibacy knew that he had to beat his body and make it his slave. Otherwise, he may end up messing up with any of the women that he was ministering to in the church at the time.

Now if great apostle Paul had to beat his body and put it under check, even though he had no intention of marrying anyone, don’t you think you who want to marry somebody will need to be ready to do the same? And this is not applicable to men alone; it is applicable to women as well. It is not only men that have sexual feelings and passions. Women also have them.

Yes, our sisters in the church may act as though they did not have sexual feelings at all, especially once they are dressed in some saintly blouses and skirts, with some saintly hats or caps. But they do. And if those who will not tell themselves the truth about this may end up coming sexual immorality where they never thought they will commit it.

Well, my point is that you have got to learn how to handle your sexual passions. Your love partner also must learn to do the same. But if you are able to handle yours, then, you will be able to set your love partner right, if they should begin to act loose and lustful around you or towards you. And you will not be able to do this, if you will not admit that you have sexual passions.

By the way, it is not a sin to have sexual passions. It is God that gave them to us. And He gave them to us, first, for the enjoyment of our marriages with our partners. Second, He gave them to us to keep us in check in our relationships with those of the opposite sex.

You know sexual passions are like hunger or thirst. Hunger and thirst are gifts from God to us. And they are given to us, first, so that we will know when our bodies need to be renewed in energy and fluid. Otherwise, we would just continue to work until we fall down and faint or die. Second, they are given to us so that we will appreciate and enjoy our meals and water or drinks. If you are not hungry, you may not know what it feels like to be satisfied with a good meal. And if you are not thirsty, you may not appreciate the gift of a cup of cold water or juice.

In like manner, without sexual passions, your love partner may not appear to you any better than your brother, sister, father or mother. So, there may not be any need for them after all. Then without sexual passions, you may not be able to tell when you are becoming inappropriate in your closeness to someone of the opposite sex.

For instance, if nothing is wrong with you, you will not feel anything strange if, as a sister, you put your arm around another sister or if you rest your head on their shoulder. But if you do the same to a brother that is not your blood brother, you may not feel the same. And even if you feel nothing, you cannot be sure that the brother too will feel nothing. He may not complain. But it does not mean he is fine with what you are doing at the moment.

So, you see that sexual passions are built by God into us to warn us about inappropriate interactions with those of the opposite sex. And if we are going to be able to control our bodies, we must pay attention to these warnings. We must know, as I said before, what unnecessarily gets us excited when relating those of the opposite sex and stay away from it.

Is it touching? Is it hugging? Is it sitting together? Is it holding hands? Or is staying together alone? Or is it watching secular movies that are spiced here and there with sex scenes or sights? Whatever it is, know it and stay away from it. Otherwise, you may end up setting sex traps for yourself or someone else.

Yes, someone may say you are acting immature. Another may say you your mind is unrenewed and dirty. But you know yourself. So, stay away from anything that will get you into sexual trouble. And doesn’t the bible say, “Run away from sexual immorality?” It does. How? It is not by waiting until you are about to commit the very act. That will probably be too late then. Rather, it is by recognising from afar what may bring you to that point where you are wondering whether you will fall into sexual sins or not and then running away from it.

So, if you have to open your mouth and say to your love partner, “I don’t like holding hands,” or “I don’t like being hugged or touched in this manner,” or “I wouldn’t want us to be meeting in places that are too private or secluded,” do so. What if they get angry? If they do, then, they are probably not serious about handling your love relationship in purity. If they are serious about it, then, they will understand that you are just taking precautions, so that both of you will not be sorry for yourselves someday.

And as I round off this evening, let me say this to you: the discipline you give yourself now on this note is what you will also need when you eventually get married. That is because getting married is never a cure for sexual immorality, as some people think. Self-discipline is the cure for it. And if you don’t have it, marriage will most likely drive you to engage more and more in it, especially if you feel your partner is not satisfying you sexually.

We will continue from here next week. I pray that God will strengthen all your hearts to take these truths seriously in your love lives and also in your dealings with those of the opposite sex around you, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Thank you everyone. 

We have, in our recent hangouts, looked at the need for those going into love relationships not to go into them with hearts that are selfish or self-occupied but with hearts that are willing and ready to do their partners good. That is what God wants love relationships to be about. And if that is not what you have in mind, you are not fit to be anyone’s husband or wife.

Now we want to look at another thing that those going into love relationships need to be clear about, if they do not want those relationships to become disastrous for them someday. And that has to do with handling their love relationships with purity.

What we are saying is that if you want to be the right person in any love relationship you go into, you have to be determined to handle it with purity. You may not know if the person you are dealing with also wants to handle their love relationship with purity. But you have to know what you want. And what you want must be what God wants, not just something you figured out in your head. Otherwise, you may end up ruining every good love relationship you have.

What, then, does God want in our love relationship? He wants purity. Look at what the bible says about:

“It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.” (1Thess 4:3-8NIV)

Now observe that the last thing Paul tells us in that text is that the instruction he is giving us is from God and not from man. So, anyone who rejects it rejects God and not man. And how will you reject God and not end up in trouble? It is not possible.

Well, what is the instruction that God is giving us through Paul in that text? It is that we should avoid sexual immorality. What is sexual immorality? Sexual immorality is any kind of unlawful sexual relations. So, we are looking at sex before marriage, sex outside marriage, sex between a man and a man, sex between a woman and a woman, sex between people and animals and masturbation. These are all unlawful sexual relations, as far as God is concerned, and we must avoid them.

So, as a child of God, there is no excuse of being involved in any kind of sexual immorality. It is unacceptable to God. Yes, there are so-called Christians who do not think that anything is wrong with having sex with their love partners, especially if they have pledged themselves to each other in marriage. But they are wrong and are living contrary to the will of God for their lives.

There are also so-called Christians who think since sex is a very vital part of every marriage relationship, they need to first check out whoever they want to marry to see how good they are in bed. Their excuse often is that they don’t want to get married first and then find out that their spouse is sterile or is gay or lesbian. Again, people who reason like that already have their minds twisted by the devil. They are living contrary to the will of God and can only get into trouble for doing so.

Also, we have some so-called Christians who think that since children are very vital to every marriage relationship, they need to impregnate or get pregnant for whoever they want to marry before they get married. Their reasoning is that they do not want to get married first and later find out that their spouse is barren, has no womb, is sterile or has low sperm count.

But none of the things I just listed is new to our world or generation. There were people in bible days that also had the same or similar views of things. There were immoral people in bible days. There were rapists in bible days. There were those who practice orgies or sex parties in bible days. There were also homosexuals and lesbians in bible days. In fact, Paul, in a letter to the Corinthians, says that some of them used to be homosexuals before they were washed, sanctified and justified in the name of Jesus and by the Spirit of God (1Cor 6:9-11).

So, there is no sexual sin that is in the world today that is a new invention or introduction. Each known sexual sin today has been in the world since the days of Noah. That is why there is no excuse we want to make for our indulgence in any sexual since that people have not made before. Yet God’s instruction to men and women of all generation is ‘Avoid sexual immorality’.

Now, of course, we are given a number of reasons in the Scriptures we should avoid sexual immorality. But the most important of them is that God says so. Once God says that we should stay away from something, then, we should stay away from it. The reason He tells us to stay away from that thing may not be immediately obvious to us. But if should disobey Him, we surely see why He tells us to stay away from it. But then, we may not be able to handle what will follow.

When God told Adam and Eve not to eat from the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, He did not list for them all the problems that would be associated with disobeying Him. He did not tell them that it would make a murderer of one of their sons. He did not tell them that it would turn the world of animals against them. He only said, “When you eat of it, you will die.” And if they had held on faithfully to the revelation of His will to them on this matter, they would someday have been given more revelations about the danger of eating from the fruit of that tree. (Cf. Gen 2:15-17)

But they did not hold on to the revelation given to them. Instead, they chose to learn by experience the pains of disobeying God. And that is why the world is where it is today. So, if you too choose to learn the consequences of disobeying God by experience, instead of following His divine revelations for you on sex matters, generations of your children after you may continue to suffer for your sins till Jesus will return.

Well, the point I am making is that in handling your love relationship, you must be prepared to handle it in purity. In other words, before you even get started with anyone, you make it clear to them that there will be no sex until you get married. That means you will not be offering them sex or demanding for sex from them. It also means you will not expect them to offer you sex or to demand sex from you. And if you cannot agree on this, you have no business being together in a love relationship.

Now, of course, saying that you will avoid sexual immorality may be easier said than done. Anyone can easily or readily say, “There won’t be anything like sexual relations in my love relationship.” But it does not mean that they mean it from their heart. And even if they mean it from their heart, it does not mean that they will not be tempted with sexual sins in their love relationship.

Everyone going into a love relationship will be tempted with sexual sins and must be prepared to be tempted with sexual sins. And these temptations may not come from your partner but from you yourself. You may see yourself as a highly disciplined person in sex matters. But that will only be because you have not found yourself in circumstances in which your discipline will be tested to the utmost.

See, you may not feel sexually tempted at all in dealing with someone that you are not attracted to and that you share no closeness. But in dealing with someone that you share some closeness together or that you have affections for, tendencies are high that you will feel sexually tempted in your dealings with them.

How do prayer partners, who have never spoken to each other about marrying each other, end up sleeping with each other? Or how do reading partners, who have never seen themselves together in a marriage, end up sleeping with each other? Of course, the reason is that they lack self-discipline. But what creates in people the urge to be self-disciplined? It is the knowledge of what is right and wrong. And where do we get this knowledge? We get it from God.

So, if you exhibit self-discipline in sex matters in your love relationship, you will first need to know what God says about it and to also accept it. And what does He say about it? He says, “Avoid sexual immorality.” Do you agree with that? Or do you think something is wrong with it? Until you agree with Him on this matter, there is no guarantee that you will not mess up in your love life.

The same thing is applicable to whoever you are considering for a love life. They must agree with God on what He says about sexual immorality. They must not see God as trying to limit them or ruin their passions. Otherwise, they may end up raping or seducing you someday. And even if they do not make any effort to defile you, they may be doing it with some other people or give themselves to masturbation or (and) the use of pornographic contents for sexual reliefs. That, of course, will pose a terrible danger to your future home.

So, if you will handle your love life with purity, both of you involved must be on the same page with God on the matter of sexual immorality. Both of you must agree that sexual immorality is wrong and that you must avoid it at all cost. And that is when you will know that nothing is wrong with you for not being involved in sexual immorality.

I am sure you know that there are people that will give you the impression that something is wrong with you, if you are not sexually active as a single person. And it is when you have embraced the will of God for your life that you will know that nothing is wrong with you but something is wrong with them. Yes, it is when you have embraced the will of God for your life that you will turn totally away from sexual immorality.

Now how do you avoid sexual immorality? This is one of the questions on the lips of many young men and young women who want to do the will of God in their lives. How do we avoid sexual immorality in a world that is saturated with sex scenes? Everyday we are confronted with unsolicited sex scenes on our smartphones, in our streets, in our workplaces, in our schools and sometimes even in church meetings. How, then, do we avoid being intoxicated by these things and be led to sin against God?

Well, again, we turn to the word of God. The word of God itself says the only way to live a pure life in this world is to live by the word of God. That means the word of God contains the instructions or guidelines that we need to be able to live in purity and not be ruined by sexual immorality through any of our relationships. And what are these instructions?

Well, from what Paul tells us in that text from 1Thessalonians 4, one of the ways to avoid sexual immorality is for us to learn to control our bodies. Let me give it to you again:

“It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God…” (1Thess 4:3-5)

Did you see that? In order to successfully avoid sexual immorality, I must learn to control my own body in a way that is holy and honourable. You too must learn it. We all must learn it. That, of course, means that it is not automatic. And since it is not automatic, you must not assume that you have the required self-discipline not to get involved in sexual immorality.

Anyone can exhibit self-control, if they are not being tempted sexually. But if you have ever felt sexual sensations towards someone or because of some sex scenes you accidentally encountered, then, you should know that self-control is not automatic. That is because if you do not immediately remove yourself from that atmosphere where you are having those sexual sensations, you may end up misbehaving.

You can, then, see why the word of God says that each of us must learn to control himself in a way that is holy and honourable before God. Otherwise, we will not be able to avoid sexual immorality. And we must avoid it in our lives and also in our love relationships. Or else we will mess up and the consequences of our mess may be generational.

This is where I will stop for this hangout. I pray that God will use the things I have shared with you to lead you completely away from every form of lust and out of every bondage to sexual sins, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Thank you and God bless. 

In our recent hangouts, our focus has been on the need for anyone who wants to go into a love relationship or who is already in one to aim at being the right person for the person they want to marry. And one of the ways to make yourself the right person for whoever you want to marry is not to be selfish.

As I pointed out in our last hangout, marriage is not just about you; it is also about whoever you marry. So, everything cannot be about what you want them to do for you or how you want them to treat you; it also has to be about what you are going to do for them and how you will treat them. And if you keep this in mind, you will not go into any love relationship with anyone out of greed or selfishness.

Am I saying that everything has to do with what you can do for the person you want to marry, whoever that person may be? No! Am I saying you should not have expectations from anyone you want to choose as your lover and life partner? No!

Again, your love relationship cannot just be about what you are going to be doing for your love partner. God did not design love relationships or the marriage institution to be like that. Instead, He designed it to be a partnership. That was why He called the woman that He brought to Adam in the beginning a helper, not a slave and not a boss and not a liability (Gen 2:18). That means the plan was for both of them to support themselves in fulfilling their humanity.

So, whoever you want to choose as your partner must also be in a position to help or support you in becoming the person God wants you to be in life. Of course, the support they will be giving you may not be monetary or something quantifiable. But you have to be certain that they are willing and ready to support you with their lives and whatever they have in becoming the person God wants you to be in life. Otherwise, they may end up being nothing but a liability to you. And where that is the case, you may get tired of them sometimes in the future and want to run away from them or get rid of them.

Now don’t tell me that you can never run away from your lover or attempt to get rid of them. It is not everyone that ran away from their marriage that thought that they would someday do so. And it is not everyone that killed or attempted to kill their spouse that thought that they would someday do so. Yet they found themselves doing the unthinkable and upsetting the world.

Yes, there may be challenges that will turn someone’s spouse to a liability. And I pray that none of such will befall you or whoever you end up marrying, in Jesus’ name. But something like that happened to Job. He, who used to be a strong, wealthy and prosperous man, suddenly lost everything and became terribly sick. He became so much a liability to his wife that she proposed that he curse God and get himself killed by Him. (Cf. Job 2:9)

Thankfully, that woman did not leave Job. Instead, she stayed with him and later experienced with him the restoration of his life, wealth and family. Some other woman may have left him. But she did not leave him. Why? We are not told her reasons for staying with Job. But those reasons were good and strong enough for her to stay with him, even in the days of his trouble, when he had nothing to offer her and she had to offer him everything.

Now that is consistent with the Scripture that says:

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (Eccl 4:9-10NIV)

Did you see that? Your love relationship is meant to make the two of you better in character, stronger in faith, richer in resources and more fruitful and useful in the hands of God. And where that is not going to happen, you are having something contrary to the Scripture, regardless of what measure of love you may think you have for each other. I am saying where your love relationship is going to or is already one or both of you weaker and less fruitful and useful in life, something is wrong somewhere. It is either that relationship is sick and in need of healing or should not be happening at all.

As we see in that text from Ecclesiastes, there may be moments of physical, spiritual, mental or financial challenges in your life or in the life of your future partner. And if any of you will be able to help the other in such moments, none of you can afford to be a liability in any way. Otherwise, that may just be the end of your home.

Thank God for His mercy towards Job. Otherwise, he would have totally lost it in those days of his trials. And he would have lost it because, even though his wife did not run away from him, she had no spiritual comfort or support for him. She was a liability in that area.

Sadly, there have been husbands, just as there have been wives, who lost their lives, wealth or reputation because their spouses were spiritual liabilities. Think of Bathsheba, for instance. Why did her husband become a victim of the greed of King David? It was because she was a spiritual liability. She was not someone of great spiritual or moral convictions. Otherwise, she would not have agreed to commit adultery with David and exposed her husband to untimely death. (Cf. 2Sam 11)

So, when I am saying that your love relationship cannot just be about what your love partner has to offer you, I do not mean that your love partner must have nothing to offer you and have to be a liability to you. No, that is not what I am saying. It is a partnership, as I said before. So, everyone has their own roles to play and must be willing to play them. None of you, then, can afford to be a liability in any way to the other.

No, you may not have come from a rich family. But don’t make yourself a liability to anyone, not even your lover. And don’t allow your lover to turn you into a liability. Don’t allow your lover to turn you to a lazy person in any way. Instead, use whatever support they are giving you to make yourself stronger and better in all ways. That way, you too will be able to support them better. Otherwise, if, for some reasons, they are not able to give you that support for a while, both of you may end up sinking. Or if they should, for some reasons, think the support they are giving you is draining their lives, they may run away from you or drive you away from them.

A friend’s mother once told me of how her husband unintentionally led them into poverty. According to her, the man used to work in a commercial bank. And he, in fact, later rose to become the manager of one of the branches of the bank. But he would not allow her to work. She said that she had initially opened a big store of provisions and other items. But the man just felt it was a waste of time and energy and that what she needed was to be at home to care for the children.

Why did he reason like that? The reason was that he was making a lot of money from his banking job and felt what he was making there was more than enough for the family. And it was indeed more than enough for them at the time. But he later got into trouble with the bank. He facilitated the release of a loan to certain individuals and the thing went bad. So, he was arrested and jailed.

Later, of course, he was exonerated and released. But he left the bank with nothing. And that, of course, was the beginning of the poverty of his family. He was a good man. So, he did not sit down at home to drink in his misery. Instead, he went out to find another job. But it was nothing like his first job. The money coming from there was barely enough to care for the family. So, his wife, my friend’s mother, then, had to get a job to support him.

But what if he had allowed her to keep running her store, she would have had enough money to support the family until he could find his footing after he was sacked. In fact, he may even have joined her in handling the store. And they could have together made it bigger or turned it into a supermarket. Who knows? Then their story would have gone differently. It would not have been from grace to grass but from grace to grace.

For instance, I have an uncle who, when he retired, went to join the wife in handling the school she started while he was still working. And now they have both turned it into a world-class school. I also know of someone who, when he retired, went to help his wife manage her hospital. And you can imagine how far better the hospital is doing now!

So, God’s intention in setting up the marriage institution is that those who go into it may become better and stronger together. That is why you cannot go for someone who has nothing else to offer but a handsome or pretty face. You cannot go for someone who has nothing else to offer but sex. And you cannot go for someone who has nothing else to offer but pity or nagging. The one you need is one who will be a true partner to you in all good things and to whom you too can be a true partner in all good things.

I listened to my aunt once talked about a certain period when things went wrong for her husband in his workplace. Some people actually got him into trouble by stealing some of the products of the company. So, he was arrested and locked up for a while. And according to her, what happened did not make her lose heart. That was because she knew that her husband was a righteous and honest man.

What, then, did she do? First, she called the kids together and told them the truth about where their father was and the fact that he was being unjustly punished. Then, she began to pray about the matter and to also enlist the prayer support of the people of God in their lives.

Now did God answer her or not? He did. The thieves were apprehended. And when they confessed, my aunt’s husband was completely vindicated and given his job back. In fact, he ended up becoming the CEO of the company. And here is another interesting part of the story, as narrated by my aunt: She did not cry at all through the weeks that her husband was locked up. It was when he was eventually released that she cried.

Well, what is the point I want to bring out from that? It is that she is not a spiritual liability to her husband. She too is a woman of prayer and of the word of God. If she had been a spiritual liability to him, the story may not have gone the way she narrated it.

Often, I hear people say things like, “Oh, my wife is the prayer warrior of the family. May God continue to strengthen her.” Or, “My husband is the one that is gentle o; I am not gentle at all.” People who talk like that are spiritual liabilities. And God forbid, if their spouses should stumble or get distracted in spiritual things for a while, their whole marriages may be brought down by the devil before they know anything.

Sadly, there are single brothers and sisters too who have a very similar mindset. They too are looking for men and women that are spiritually sound as future partners. Why? They believe that these ones will not give them unnecessary marital troubles. But what are they doing to be spiritually sound themselves? Nothing! They just believe that they will be able to thrive on the spirituality of their partners. But they are wrong.

See, even if your partner never needs your encouragement to stand firm in the faith because they have learnt to take advantage of the grace of God to do so, you can become the soft target for the devil in the family by not being spiritually sound yourself. That means there may be times in which their faith may not be able to keep you safe from the attacks of the devil.

Do you know that Jesus’ faith could not protect Peter from falling? His faith was only able to restore him. Do you also know that Job’s faith could not protect his sons and daughters from death on the day that Satan came to attack his household? And that is in agreement with what God once said to Ezekiel, which is that there are situations in which the faith of people like Job, Noah and Daniel will not be able to save their households. What, then, will save members of their households in such situations? It is their individual faith. (Cf. Ezekiel 14:12-23)

My point, in any case, is that while it is important that you are not selfish and concerned only about what good the person you want as your love partner can do to your life, it is equally important that you make certain that they will not be a liability to you in any way. Yes, there may be areas of their life in which you can obviously be of help to them. But it must be clear to you that do not see you as their only hope or foundation in such areas of their life. That is because anyone that sees you as their hope in any way instead of God is a liability in some ways. And as long as the person is like that, they are not fit for a love relationship with you.

In conclusion, don’t be selfish. Instead, be willing to do whoever you want to marry good all the days of your life. But be certain that the person you want to marry will do you good as well and not be a liability to you. And if you are already in a love relationship, don’t encourage your lover to be a liability to you. Instead, show them that it is wrong to be so. May God strengthen you all to choose the right love partners and to also treat them the right way, in Jesus’ name.

Thank you everyone for your time, patience and contributions. 

In our last hangout, we began to remind ourselves of how important it is for us to look beyond having suitable love partners for ourselves to also being suitable love partners to those suitable love partners we want to have in our lives. And I said that it is important that we do this, if we don’t want to end up destroying the lives of our love companions.

See, every day and in every part of the world people destroy the lives of their love companions and spouses. For example, I recently read in the dailies of how a man stabbed his newly-wedded wife in multiple places, set her ablaze and locked her up in a room so that she would not get help. The young lady, of course, who just turned 25, died as a result of this man’s act of wickedness. And the man himself, at the time I was reading the news, was still in the hospital, receiving treatment. That was because he hurt himself badly too.

What led him to do these horrible things? We are not given the details in the news. But my point is that he destroyed the life of his own spouse, his own lover. He ended all the dreams of that young lady, whatever they might be.

There are many more similar stories of lovers destroying themselves. I even had a cousin that was a victim of this. She was young, intelligent, composed and very sweet to be with. Then she married this man and everything changed. First, the man left her in the country right after their marriage and went to live abroad. Then it was hardly a year after she relocated to join him that we heard one fateful day that she was dead.

“What? How did that happen?” all of us were asking. The mum told me that she spoke to her about two days or so before the news came and she did not sound ill or in trouble. How, then, did she die? Well, till tomorrow, we have got no reasonable explanation from her husband about her death. So, there has been a real closure about her case for her parents, siblings and loved ones.

Can I give you more? Well, I also know a very loving elderly father who has issues with one of his eyes. And when I asked him the exact thing that went wrong with the eye, he told me that it was his ex-spouse that injured him there. Why? I was too shocked and disturbed to ask what happened. But from what I gathered from other people who knew some things about their marriage, he went through hell in the hands of the woman, spiritually, mentally and physically.

Shall I also tell you of what a pastor did to his wife, when he learnt that a bank was seriously bent on employing her for her wealth of experience? He secretly sent one of his associates to threaten the bank that he would withdraw all the accounts of the church with them, if they should employ his wife. “Why would he do something like that?” you ask. Well, he wanted to control her by making sure she had no real access to money. Also, he wanted to punish her for resigning from her previous workplace and relocating to join him where he was pastoring. And she did what she did only because she was overwhelmed with the news of the man’s infidelity. But he punished her severely for that, even to the point of making a mess of her career.

I shared these things with you to just let you keep in mind the fact that people are destroying themselves in their marriages and love relationships every day. That you are not aware of any case does not mean that it is not happening. And if you don’t want anything like that to happen to you and whoever you end up marrying, your focus must not just be on protecting yourself from the wrong person; it must also be on not being the wrong person in your love relationship.

Now if you are not going to be the wrong person in your love relationship, if you will not be the destroyer in it, you must deal with the fact that the relationship is not just about you. No, it is not just about making you happy; it is also about making your partner happy. And is that something you are ready for? Is that something you are fit for?

Let me tell you the truth. If you are not going into that love relationship or if you are not in that love relationship with the aim of making your lover happy as well, you are not fit to be anyone’s lover. Yes, I am saying that if all you are after in a love relationship is getting someone that will make you happy and you are not out to make anyone happy, then, you are not fit to be in any love relationship. You are a package of problem waiting to be unveiled; you are a liability.

What does the word of God tell us about making human relationships work? Here is it:

“Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Phil 2:4NIV)

Did you see that? If we will be able to make any relationship we have work and mutually bless those of us involved, that is the principle we must apply. We must never look to our own interests alone but also at the interests of others.

So, if you are going to have a love life that will transform into a great and beautiful home in the future, everything cannot and must not be about you alone; it must also be about whoever you choose as your love partner. That means you must be determined that you will do whoever you choose good and also make them happy all the days of your life. Yes, it means that you are not just going to be looking at how much the person will do to make your life interesting and fruitful but also how much you are going to do to make the person’s life interesting and fruitful.

Let me give you another Scripture from Proverbs. It says:

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” (Prov 31:10-12NIV)

Why is that woman referred to as one of noble character? Why does her husband have full confidence in her? It is because she is devoted to bringing him good and not harm. And are you prepared to do that to your man? Are you prepared to do that to your woman? Are you after being a true blessing to whoever marries you all the days of your life?

See, this is not about words of mouth. Rather, it is about who you are building yourself up to be. If you say that you want to be a blessing to me, what are you doing to make that happen? Preachers, for instance, don’t automatically become a blessing to their audience; they prepare themselves to be. Yes, they separate themselves to be trained and used by God to be a blessing to them.

How did Jesus become a blessing to the world? Was it simply because God set Him apart to be a blessing to us? No! It was also because He too sanctified Himself for us. He said these words before going to the cross:

“For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.” (John 17:19NIV)

Did you see that? Jesus had to deliberately set Himself apart for what God set Him apart to do for us. Otherwise, He could not have been a blessing to us. So, He became a blessing to us because He wanted to and also laboured to.

Then how am I able to bless you on this platform? Is it something automatic? No! I have to deliberately set apart time to hear God in order to able to share His word that will bless you with you. And this always takes hours of sitting down with my computer to work on the notes I will share with you. So, there is nothing automatic about it.

Also, think of those restaurants you go to for your afternoon meals. Why are their meals sweet almost all the time? They are deliberate about making them sweet. Yes, sometimes, things may not go as they will want them to go. And that is because they too are humans and not perfect. An imperfect person cannot create a perfect system. But because these people always aim for perfection, they are able to give you delicious meal to eat most of the time, if not all the time you patronise them.

What is my point? It is that you have to be deliberate about wanting to be a blessing to whoever you go into a love relationship with. You have to be deliberate about seeking their interests as well and not just your own interests. Yes, you have to be deliberate about wanting to do them good all the days of your life. And if that is not how you reason about love matters, you will always be a wrong person in your love life, even if you are married to our sweet and loving Lord Jesus.

Interestingly, we all who are Christians are married to Jesus. That is one of the things the bible says about our relationship with Him (Eph 5:25-32). And how are we treating Jesus? How are you treating Jesus in your love affair with Him? Is everything not always about you? You always have a list of what you want Him to do for you? But what are you doing for Him? You want Him to do you good all the time. But what good are you doing Him?

The fact is that most of us are simply after using Jesus to our advantage. We have seen that He loved us enough to die for us. Now we want to exploit Him to the best of our abilities. We want to use Him for our promotion, protection and provision. We want to use Him for our pleasure. And if He is not coming through on time for us on any matter, we start complaining or threatening Him. What a shame!

It is not a surprise, then, that we want to do the same things to our fellow human beings. We want to use them and dump them, if we can. They too want to use us and dump us, if they can. And where two people go into a love relationship with this mindset, there can only be chaos and destruction.

You can now see why people are destroying themselves in their love lives. They are selfish. They are trying to use one another to accomplish their selfish desires. And I am saying that you must not be that way. Don’t seek to use anybody in your love relationship. Don’t seek to use them to rise in life. Don’t seek to use them to take care of your family. Don’t seek to use them to make you happy. Yes, they will naturally give themselves to making you happy, if they truly love you. But that must come out of their own volition, not because you have turned them into a tool that you use to do whatever you please.

What is my point, all along? Well, it is that will whoever marries you enjoy God in you? Will you do them any good? Can you yourself say, “Whoever marries me will enjoy me, by the grace of God?” If you think you can say that, what exactly are you doing to make it so?

We will continue from here in our next hangout. I pray once again that God will strengthen you all to be doers of these things. Amen. Thanks for your time, patience and contributions. 

In our recent hangouts, our focus has been mostly on making right love decisions. And that has led us to examining varying things that anyone who wants to choose the right love partner must know and also apply. But then, we must not forget what led us to all of this. And what led us into it? It is our attempt to help those who have had failed love relationships get things right again.

As I pointed out before, that you have had a failed love relationship before does not mean that the next one you are going to have will not be a failure as well. If you do not find out why that love relationship failed, there is every tendency that the next one you are going to have will fail for the same reasons. So, if have had at least one love relationship before, you need to settle down and examine your past love relationship or relationships and see what things went wrong in them before you start a new one. Otherwise, as I have been saying, you will most likely miss it again.

In any case, if you will humble yourself to apply the things I have been sharing with you from the word of God on how to make wise love decisions, you can trust God to guide you to choose the right love partner for yourself. Mind you, it is not just the person that needs to be right for you; you too need to be right for the person.

It is unfortunate that the focus of most of those who want to go into love relationships is to get the right person for them. They want someone that will satisfy them fully, spirit, soul and body. And while it is alright to go for someone that you consider suitable for you in all ways, you must first keep in mind that no human can satisfy you. In fact, nothing here on earth can satisfy you. The only one that satisfies people is God. And if He does not satisfy you, nothing else will satisfy you.

Look at what the bible says along this line:

“A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.” (Eccl 2:24-26NIV)

Did you see that? Satisfaction is a gift of God. Even where it comes to eating and drinking, without God, it cannot make sense. In other words, if God does not make the food and the drink we are taking satisfying, they will not satisfy us. How many times have prepared your meals yourself and still found them unsatisfactory in your mouth or belly? And how many times have you spent your own money to buy things for yourself, only to realize they did not give you the kind of satisfaction or happiness you thought you would get from having them?

Yet someone else may take that meal that is unsatisfactory to you and eat in a most enjoyable manner or take that dress that you would not use, wear it and appear like the prince or queen of the universe in it. What is that telling you? Things in themselves don’t satisfy. It is God that makes them satisfying.

In like manner, people in themselves don’t satisfy. It is God who makes them satisfying. It is God makes us happy with people. This is why we must never seek to extract satisfaction from anybody; instead, we are to seek our satisfaction in God.

I said all that to let you know that even if the person you want to marry is the kindest and most upright person in the world, if God does not make you happy with them, you will still not find them satisfying. So, while it is important that you take advantage of God’s grace to get the suitable love partner for yourself, don’t seek to extract the satisfaction you want in life from them. They will fail you, if you do that. No, they will not measure up, if you do that.

Have you been there? Have you ever met someone that you thought was all good and perfect, only to work or live with them for a while and see that they were not perfect after all – they were just human like every other person? Well, that is exactly what you will find out in your love relationship, even if the person you are with is heavenly-made for you. You will not find them all perfect. You will not find them able to give you everything you want in life. You will not find them being there for you all the time. That is because no human can give you everything you want in life and no human can be there for you all the time. Only God can do these things.

If you, then, are trying to extract from humans what only God can give, you will end up a frustrated person in life. There are many frustrated people in the world today. And one main reason they are frustrated in this manner is that they are trying to extract from people and things what only God can give. So, some of them have been through three or four marriages because of this. Yet they have not come home. And they will never come home until they renew their minds and stop seeking to extract happiness from people and things instead of seeking it in God.

Perhaps you too are frustrated at the moment. You may think people, things or institutions are your problem. But they are not. You are your own problem. You have been trying to take from them what they have no capacity to give you. So, you keep meeting with disappointment in series. And the series of disappointment you have had have now led to your frustration.

Now if you want to end every form of frustration in your life, stop seeking satisfaction or happiness in people or in things; instead, start seeking it in God. Once you begin to relate to Him as the source of your satisfaction and happiness in life, no one will be able to frustrate you again. So, focus on your relationship with God. Put it first in all things.

Then, as I pointed out before, everything must not be about how suitable someone is as your love partner; it must also be about how suitable you too are for the person. Do you think you are suitable for this person that you are considering for a love relationship? What gives you the impression that you are suitable for them? What gives you the impression that if you go into their life, you will not ruin it or mess it up?

Bathsheba of bible days was without doubt a beautiful woman. Maybe that was why Uriah married her. We wouldn’t know. But we do know that she was the reason the man died untimely. How was that her fault? (Cf. 2Sam 11)

Well, on the day that David called upon her to have extra-marital affairs with her, she did not refuse him. At least, based on bible accounts, David did not rape her. Yes, he was king. But he did not force her to do anything she did not want to do. It came from her heart to give herself to her handsome, rich and influential king. If she had said ‘No’, David, being a man of God, would have come back to his senses and dismissed her with lot of apologies. But she did not refuse the man or resist him. Therefore, she signed her husband’s death warrant that same day. What a shame!

Now as far as I am concerned, Bathsheba should not have married Uriah in the first place. Why? In my own judgment, which you may not agree with, she did not appear suitable for him. She was someone that could not control her sexual urges. So, she had no business marrying a soldier that would hardly be around to take care of her sexual needs.

Remember that Uriah, her husband, was a true soldier, a soldier to the bones. That was why when he was commanded by his king to go home to his wife, he would not go home. And though the king did his best to get him drunk and trick him to go home, his drunkenness was not enough to make him break his code of conduct as a soldier. He felt that it was improper for him to do so, seeing that his commander and the other soldiers of Israel were at the war front at the time. In fact, he thought that the king might be testing him.

But was he considering the sexual urges of his young wife at the time? I don’t think so. Was he even considering the fact that young woman may be sex-starved? I don’t think so. Personally, I believe that one of the reasons Bathsheba gave in to the seducing words of David was that she was sex-starved. The idea at the time was not for David to marry her. The idea was just for the two of them to sexually satisfy themselves. And if pregnancy had not come in, no one else, apart from some palace officials, would have known that she committed adultery with David when her husband was away.
What is my point? It is that Bathsheba, if she was not married off to Uriah, should have considered her own suitability for the man before marrying him. The man, being a soldier, needed a highly disciplined woman, lover and homemaker in his life. He needed someone that would hold herself and his home together in one piece, if he should be away for long. He did not need someone that could not do without sex in a week or month. And if he had the benefit of knowing that Bathsheba was not that kind of woman, he most likely would not have married her.

Now I would not know what your own expectations are concerning marriage. I would not know how much money, companionship or sex you are hoping you will be able to get from it. Whatever it is, be truthful to yourself about it. That way, you will be able to tell whether you are suitable for the person you are considering for a love life or not.

Another thing that will help you in knowing whether you are suitable for the person is knowing enough of what they want in their love partner. I have been saying this: before you get yourself involved in a love life with anyone, take your time to know enough about the person. Ask questions, relevant questions. Let them take their time to tell you what they want in a love partner. That way, you will be able to tell whether you can fit into their life without destroying it or not.

I am sure you will not like to hear anything like this from your lover: “Ever since you came into my life, everything has been a mess for m; it has been one tragedy after another.” But there have been people who heard such things from the mouths of their lovers. Yes, things like that are painful to hear. But one may end up hearing them, if all you are after is how suitable someone is to your life and you are not after knowing how suitable you are to the person’s life.

So, just as you want your love partner to be suitable to you in all good things, you too should begin to work on yourself in order that you may be suitable to that suitable person you are looking forward to having in your life. This, actually, is meant to be a reminder to you all. That is because I have treated this subject extensively before on the platform. And I pray that you all will take the counsel seriously and begin to apply it to your lives.

Thank you everyone. 

In our last hangout, we began to look the challenges associated with marrying to a rich family or from a rich family. And as I pointed out, you must not assume that you can handle these challenges, if you want to marry from a rich family or to a rich family. Rather, you must be certain that you are up to the task. Yes, you must be certain that you have what it takes to make whatever rich family you want to associate with in this manner love and respect you for what you are and not for what you have. Otherwise, you may as well forget about it.

But before we move away from looking at these things at the family level, I also need to point out that the fact that marrying from a poor or poorer family also has its own challenges. In other words, just as certain rich families can turn your love life or marriage into a hell for you, certain poor families can also do exactly the same thing to you.

Remember, as I have severally pointed out to you in the past, your marriage will not be about you and your spouse alone; it will also be about your families. So, don’t think you are going to have a peaceful and joyous home, simply because you are getting married to a true child of God. If you and that true child of God don’t have adequate wisdom, knowledge and understanding in handling the people in your life, they may end up being the reason your marriage will be a curse instead of being a blessing.

So, if you are settling for anybody, settle for the person because you can see that God has equipped you well to be able to relate well to them and also to their family members. Not only that, settle for the person because you can also see that God has equipped them well to be able to relate well to you and to your family members as well. Otherwise, that happy and prosperous home you are looking forward to may never happen. That is not a curse. It is just the plain truth. And I hope you can see it.

Well, as I already pointed out, marrying from or to a poor family can be as disastrous as marrying to or from a rich family. So, if the person you are considering for a love life is from a very poor or poorer background, you need to be certain that you have what it takes to relate to them, without offending them or becoming a victim of their manipulations.

People can be poor and not have poverty mentality, just as people can be rich and not have the mentality of the rich. And you have to be certain that even if you are marrying from or to a poor family, the family is not saturated with poverty mentality. How will you know that? One way is by asking relevant questions, especially if it is not a family you have been acquainted with before. Another way is by praying to God to make known to you whatever you need to know about the family you want to pray from or to, so that you will be able to make well-informed decisions about them.

I said that because people hardly reveal all the truth that needs to be known about their families where love matters are concerned. And one main reason for that is a lack of confidence in the persons involved. What I mean is that if you are not sure you can trust someone with certain information about yourself or your family, you will not share it with the person.

Nonetheless, in dealing with love matters, if there is anything about your family that will help anyone you want to marry in determining whether they can cope or not, you had better share it. That is because doing so will be a safeguard for you too. It will keep you from marrying someone that is incapable of relating to your family with wisdom, understanding and consideration.

In the Song of Solomon, the young lady the king wants to marry says this about her family:

“Do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun. My mother's sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards; my own vineyard I have neglected.” (Song 1:6NIV)

What is this lady’s explanation for her dark complexion? Her brother’s hostility! According to her, she could not take adequate care of herself because her brothers had sent her to take care of the family vineyards. Why would those men send a lady to be taking care of the vineyards of the family? What were they doing with their own time?

In any case, the young lady shared that with her lover to let him know the kind of people he would be dealing with and see if he was up to the task. So, be sure you share enough information about your family with anyone you are considering for a love relationship. Don’t wait for God to start revealing things to them about your family before you tell them all the truth they need to know. Otherwise, the relationship you think you are trying to save may be lost in the long run.

Think also of someone like Joseph. His brothers never spoke kindly to him. In fact, they hated him so much that they were willing to sell him into slavery. Let us then suppose that he was to marry while still with his father, would it not be irresponsible and cruel of him not to warn whoever he wanted to marry about his family? It would be.

As we are told in the bible, when Joseph’ sister, Dinah, was raped by Shechem son of Hamor, her brothers dealt deceitfully with the people of the land and ended up slaughtering all of their men and taking over their wives, children and possessions. Now we would not know whether the young man involved and Dinah had been friends before the time or not. But if they had been, Dinah would probably have warned him about how dangerous his family members could be. Then raping her would probably not have entered his mind. (Cf. Gen 34)

I said all of these things to just let you know that it is important you know enough about any family you want to marry from or to before you make your love decisions. And the easiest way to know is to ask the person involved very relevant questions about their family.

Now since what we are dealing with is marrying from a poor family or to a poor family, you need to ask sufficient questions from whoever you are dealing with about the prevailing mentality about money in their family. There are, for instance, poor families that are looking for in-laws that will carry all their financial burdens for them. So, when anyone shows up before them, they will first size the person up to know what they may worth financially. Why? They want to see if the person will be able to bear all the financial burdens and demands they will be placing on them, going forward.

Are you, then, ready for that? You may have come from a rich background indeed. But is that to say that you are in charge of your family wealth? Even if you are in charge of your family wealth, is that to say you are free to use it to promote anyone’s greed? So, if you are not someone who is strong in character, strong enough to face anyone, including your in-laws, and say, “No, I am not going to do this,” when you are not comfortable with something, you cannot handle such a family.

There are also families that literally sell their young ladies to men. These ones are happy when men come to them to ask for their daughters’ hands in marriage. Why? They see that as an opportunity to collect all the money they have spent in raising those girls from when they were born till the moment they get married. And these ones don’t care at all whether their children will end up suffering for the rest of their lives in the hands of those marry or not. All they care about is making money off their heads.

Now, as a man, don’t you think you deserve to know that, if the lady you are considering for a love relationship is from that kind of family? You do. In short, you need to know what any family you want to marry from or to expect from whoever wants to marry them. And the person you are dealing with ought to know this. If they do not know, then, they are not ripe for marriage, regardless of their age or educational accomplishment.

What I am saying is that if you, as a person, do not know what your family, whether it is a poor or rich family, requires of whoever you want to marry, you are not ripe for marriage. You should know. You should know so that you will be able to tell whether someone you are considering for a love relationship is well-equipped to handle whatever your family throws at them. Also, you should know so that you will be able to identify the excesses or irrelevancies of your family that you need to deal with before you bring your marriage matters before them. Otherwise, your family excesses may the reason it may take you forever to find a good husband or wife.

Well, if you, as a lady, are from a family that sells their young ladies in marriage, you should know and also let anyone that comes to you know what they are up against. Why? It is because you may not have what it takes to change that family culture, especially if it has been engrained in the family for decades or centuries. And where that is the case, whoever you are marrying must not just be a true child of God but also one that is up to the task.

Furthermore, there are poor families that are not comfortable with the rich at all. When some of them see a rich person, they think they have seen the devil himself. Why? They believe every rich person is into something dubious. And you need to know that, if the person you are considering for a love life is from that kind of family. Then you will be able to look inward and see if you have what it takes to make that family see you as a child of God that you are and not as a monster that will oppress them.

For some others, it is pride that will not make them relate well to rich people. Pride has made them comfortable with poverty. So, if, as a rich person, you have a reason to interact with them, they will use every opportunity they get to tell you to your face that your wealth means nothing to them. And by that, they are informing you that you will not get any special attention or honour from them because you are rich.

How, then, do you sell that kind of family to your rich family members, if you want to marry their son or daughter? How do you convince them to support you in being united to a family that will never make any effort to honour them or to make them feel special?

All of this is why I have been saying that you should not first fall in love with someone before you begin to determine whether you are competent enough to handle love challenges that may come to you as a result of your affairs with them. Many love relationships end up crashing because those involved don’t take out time to first examine their lives’ conditions to see whether they are well able to handle them without bitterness or resentment before falling in love with one another.

Solomon says this to us about love matters:

“Women of Jerusalem, promise me by the gazelles and the deer not to awaken or excite my feelings of love until it is ready.” (Song 2:7NCV)

Did you see that? Don’t tamper with love until you are certain that you are ready to deal with responsibilities and challenges that will come with it. Are you, then, ready for the things that marrying into or from a poor or poorer family may throw at you? Or are you ready for the things that marrying into or from a rich family may throw at you?

Don’t be quick to say, “Yes, I am ready,” all because you think you are in love. Instead, take out time to know enough about the family involved, especially from the person you are dealing with. That will help you in making well-informed decisions about them. And if you can see that they are not free to answer your questions or that they are using tricks to dodge your questions, you should know there is danger ahead for you.

Remember this: it is only the person that you marry that will determine how joyous your home will be; the people in the person’s life also have their own roles to play in what becomes of your home. And if they are not individuals that you can freely and boldly relate to, without losing your mind or becoming frustrated, your home may never experience the joy and peace it is meant to experience. So, your focus in choosing a love partner should not simply be on how good the person is to you but also on how suitable their family members can be to you.

This is where we will end it for this hangout. Thank you everyone for your time, attention, patience and contributions. 

In our most recent hangouts, we have been dwelling on the need for us to identify what the bible refers to as ‘the little foxes that spoil the vineyards’ and catch them, so that they do not ruin our live relationships (Song of Solomon 2:15). And the last one of those foxes we talked about was educational background differences.

Now we want to look at wealth gap between lovers. And there are two angles from which we will be looking at this. The first, which most people can easily to, has to do with going into a love relationship with someone from a much richer background. And is that a problem?

Well, whether that is going to be a problem or not depends largely on both of you who are involved. Yes, you may be perfect for each other in many ways. And you may have no problem relating to each other in love. But can you marry someone whose family is very rich and still relate to their family without any feeling of inferiority or shame? Can you marry someone whose family is far richer than yours without unduly misrepresenting everything they do or say as geared towards embarrassing or insulting you?

As I have severally pointed out to you, don’t go into any love relationship with the notion that everything is just about you and your love partner. Everything is not about the two of you alone. Others in your lives are involved as well. So, you have to be sure that you can freely dissolve yourself into the world of your love partner without losing your mind or your character. Otherwise, don’t even bother starting anything with them, if you don’t want to regret it.

Let me give you again one of the Scriptures that I gave you in the last hangout. It says:

“For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.” (Rom 12:3NIV)

Do you understand what that means? Well, it means that you are not to have an exaggerated opinion of yourself. It means you must assume that you can handle what is beyond you. So, if getting married to a very rich family is beyond what your spirit, soul and body can handle, let it go. God will bring someone else your way that you will have no issue relating to their family.

As I told you before, the fact that God has brought someone your way does not mean that He wants you to definitely marry the person. It was God, for example, that brought all the animals and birds that He had made to Adam. Why? Was it so that he could pick one of them as his wife and life companion? No! Rather, it was so that he would define his relationship with each of them. (Cf. Gen 2:19-20)

In like manner, it is on each of us to define our relationship with everyone that God brings our way. Some are just meant to be friends, just as some are just meant to be neighbours or colleagues at work or in school. Then some are just meant to be our brothers or sisters in the Lord, just as some simply meant to be our teachers or students. But if we should take our relationship with any of them further than it is meant to be, we can only end up being harmed by it, unless we are shown mercy.

So, though the fact that you and that person from a very rich background understand each other well and relate like you were made for each other from heaven does not mean that God wants you to marry each other. Of course, God will not necessarily stop you from marrying each other, if you should choose to do so. That, however, does not mean that He endorses it.

God did not stop beautiful and intelligent Abigail from marrying mean and proud Nabal. Was that to say that He endorsed their coming together? No! But once they came together, He recognized them as husband and wife.

So, if you choose to marry the wrong person, God may not stop you. On the contrary, He will recognize you both as husband and wife and relate to you as such. But it will take His mercy and perhaps a thousand miracles from Him for you not to face the consequences of marrying the wrong person.

Well, my point all along is that don’t assume that you can cope with marrying from a wealth family or to a wealthy family. Yes, doing so may give you access to a better quality of life. But it may also take away joy from your life permanently. And it will do just that to you, if you do not have sufficient spiritual and mental capabilities to handle the family involved.

Don’t miss my point. There are very rich people that know God, fear and love humanity. And if you should get married to any child of theirs, they will do all that they can to make you feel comfortable and at home with them. They will not look down on you or talk down to you. Instead, they will treat you as the true image of God that you are. And you will have to be the one praying and being careful not to disappoint them or betray their trust.

But how many of such rich families do we have? Or how many of such rich families do you know? Some families are not rich but simply financially stable. Yet the kind of pride you will find in them is only present in hell. And even if their child that you are considering for a love relationship is an exemption, do you think you will be able to cope with their insults, harassment and evil suspicions?

More so, if you are the man in the love affair, do you think you and your family have what it takes to handle the initial financial obligations that marrying from a rich family may place on you? Or will you not mind putting your family in financial distress just because you want to marry the daughter of a rich family?

When King Saul was trying to trick David into marrying his first daughter, Merab, how did David respond? Look at the way this is stated in Scriptures:

“Saul said to David, "Here is my older daughter Merab. I will give her to you in marriage; only serve me bravely and fight the battles of the LORD." For Saul said to himself, "I will not raise a hand against him. Let the Philistines do that!" But David said to Saul, "Who am I, and what is my family or my father's clan in Israel, that I should become the king's son-in-law?" So when the time came for Merab, Saul's daughter, to be given to David, she was given in marriage to Adriel of Meholah.” (1Sam 18:17-19NIV)

Did you see that? Even though it was Saul himself that was offering his daughter to David, did David accept the offer? No! Instead, he told him plainly that he and his family were not rich enough to become the king’s in-laws. And did heavens fall down because of that? No! Instead, the girl was given to another man.

Then, much later, Saul presented his second daughter to him again because the girl had fallen in love with David. And did David hurriedly accept the offer? No! Instead, he said the same thing he had said before to Saul servants that were sent to him again. He said, “It is not a small matter to be the king’s son-in-law. So, I don’t want that for myself.” He did not even look at the fact that Michal, the young lady involved, was crazily in love with him. Why? He was not ready for the trouble that marrying from that kind of wealth and influential family would expose him to. (Cf. 1Sam 18:20-23)

But when they told him the bride price and he saw that it was something he could handle, he accepted the offer. Nevertheless, his life was constantly in danger since he married the lady. And he had to eventually run for his life.

In like manner, many have abandoned their marriages because they their in-laws were just too much for them. And many are also suffering quietly because their in-laws would not give them breathing space. So, don’t ensnare yourself by marrying from or to a rich family, if you do not have what it takes to handle this.

There is something Paul says Timothy that is applicable in this matter. Here is it:

“Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.” (1Tim 4:12NIV)

What is Paul saying here? Is he saying that Timothy should be ready to insult anyone that wants to look down on him or talk down to him because he is young? No! What, then, is he saying? Well, he is saying that Timothy should conduct himself in such a way that nobody will be able to use the fact that he is young as an excuse to despise or abuse him. That is why he tells him to make himself an example to other believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

How, then, is this applicable to what we are dealing with? It is applicable to it in the sense that God expects you to conduct yourself in all your relationships in such a way that those around will respect and not despise you. Why do godly wealthy people respect their church pastors? Why do they speak to them with much reverence? Is it because those pastors are richer than them? No! Rather, it is because of the way of life those pastors or church leaders are leading.

Wealthy people hardly show respect for preachers who lack character, who are gluttons and who don’t know what to say and what not to say. So, if you see a wealthy person paying much respect to a church leader, you have to realize that the person has earned it.

Well, here is my point: you have to be someone that wealthy people can respect for who you are and not for what you have in order to be able freely marry from their home. And if you are not that kind of person, you should forget about marrying from a wealthy home or to a wealthy home. The pains that may follow may end up driving you crazy or away from the will of God for your life.

When Joseph came to stand before Pharaoh for the very first time, he had nothing to his credit. He had no name, no money and no status. He simply stood before this monarch as a common prisoner. Yet by the time the king was done talking to him, he had proved himself to him and to all his officials as one that was worthy of governing an entire nation. So, he was made a sort of the prime minister of the country that same day. (Cf. Gen 41)

What about Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego? What did they have when they first stood before King Nebuchadnezzar? Nothing! They were just some young Israelites captives that were favoured to be handpicked to serve the king. Yet when the man was done talking to them, he saw that they were ten times better than all the magicians and enchanters in his entire realm. Can you, then, imagine how he would treat them? Differently, of course! (Cf. Dan 1)

So, I am not saying that you surely cannot marry or must not marry from a rich family. Rather, I am saying that if you have a chance to stand before any rich family, do you have what it takes to make them fall in love with your person and even begin to wish that you would marry one of their own, though you have no such intentions?

As we see in the bible, on the very day that Pharaoh made Joseph the prime minister of Egypt he also gave him Asenath, daughter of Potiphera priest of On, to be his wife. Evidently, Potiphera was one of the most powerful and influential persons in the land at the time. Yet he could only have been glad that his daughter was the one deemed to be worthy of marrying Joseph, the wisest man in the land at the time. (Cf. Gen 41:45)

But the young man was just coming out of the prison. The young man did not even have a house or a land or anything to his credit at the time. But it was clear to everyone that all those things would naturally come to him, given the manifestation of wisdom that they had seen in him.

My point, then, is that if you don’t have what it takes to marry to or from a rich background, then, you don’t have it. So, don’t force yourself into any such union. Don’t start praying to God or sending people to convince any rich family to let you marry their son or daughter. Yes, you can pray for an opportunity to meet them and show yourself as someone they can consider worthy of marrying their child. But if they don’t even want to see you, then, you had better not waste your time fighting for what is never yours in the first place.

So, before you say ‘Yes’ to that brother from a rich family or before you propose to that sister from a rich family, think and pray carefully about these things. And supposing you are already in the love relationship and are already dealing with the issue of being accepted and treated with dignity and honour, you had better retrace your steps before it is too late. Yes, of course, miracles can happen. But whether they are going to happen in your case or not is what I cannot say. And what if they do not happen?

This is where we will stop for this hangout. I pray that God will grant you all the strength to act wisely in every matter concerning choosing the right love partner, in Jesus’ name. Amen. 

In our last hangout, I began to draw your attention to the need for those who are going into love relationships to pay attention to things that may appear insignificant to love matters but which can actually ruin them. Among such things are age matters. And as I pointed out, whether a wide age gap is going to be a problem between you and your lover is up to both of you.

If you both are mature enough to handle your wide age difference and not use it as an excuse of misbehaviour in handling your love life or future marriage, you can go ahead with each other. But if it is going to be the reason you will not respect your lover or the reason you will not take your place in leadership in your home, you had better go for someone that you can handle well your age difference.

Then there is also the issue of academic qualifications. Can these become a problem for you and your love partner? It all depends on both of you. If you want your academic qualifications to become a problem for you, then, they will become a problem for you. If you don’t see why they should be a problem for you, then, you will function in such a way that they will not become a problem for you.

For instance, I was told of someone that any time her husband wanted to correct her, her usual response was, “Is it because you are more educated than me that you are talking to me like this?” That woman, evidently, could not handle the fact that her husband was far more educated than her. But the man knew that she was not as educated as him before he proposed to her. Yet he proposed to her and even went on to marry her.

Unfortunately, the woman never stopped seeing herself as the disadvantaged one in their marriage because of the wide educational gap. And that constantly made it difficult for them to get along in building a home that is filled with love.

Now, of course, it is not only women that can have such inferiority complex. Men too can have it. It all depends on the degree to which they have allowed the word of God to renew their minds. If their minds have not been renewed much, then, they may have issues leading their wives with true confidence and not assumed confidence.

For instance, the reason some men will not listen to their wives’ counsel is that those women are more educated than them. So, in order to establish their dominance in the home, they will always look for ways to discredit whatever such women say and make it look like nonsense. And will that help the progress of their homes? No, it will not. Instead, it will give continually give them unnecessary setbacks.

Therefore, even if you are in agreement with the person you are considering for a love relationship in everything else, if you know that their superior academic qualifications will be the reason you will not be able to freely flow with them, you had better let them go. And don’t work with assumptions here. Be really sure that you know what you are up against.

See, everyone has their own priorities in life. And if becoming an academic is not one of yours, I do not see why you should feel inferior to one whose main priority in life is to be an academic. That you are not an academic does not mean that you are dull or dumb.

To say the fact, there are village farmers that are more intelligent than some Ph.Ds. Why, then, are they not educated? The opportunities may not have been there for them. And even if the opportunities were there for them, they probably did not see being highly educated as their thing in life. So, they gave themselves to what they believed was the best for them, which was farming. And it will interest you to know that some village farmers are richer than many professors in this country.

For example, I had a very rare privilege of meeting a very elderly poultry farmer some years ago. That was before the man died. And though this man was not someone that you would refer to as educated, I could see great manifestation of wisdom and intelligence in him as we discussed. Not only that, when he began to talk about his properties in different parts of the state and about the lawyer managing them for him, I could tell that only few educated in the country could be as rich as he was.

Why did I share that with you? It is to let you know that the fact that you are not as educated as your lover or future spouse does not mean that you are dull or disadvantaged. What is important is that, first, you prosper in your own space. Second, it is that you do not give room to any feeling of inferiority in relating to your lover because of your lower educational qualifications. Otherwise, you may never be able to relate freely to them without having a feeling that they are trying to pull you down.

I once shared with you about Mrs Patience Jonathan, the wife of our former president, Dr Goodluck Ebele Jonathan. She had a reputation for murdering the English language when they were serving their tenure. Yet that did not stop her husband from sending her to represent him in major functions. Why? First, it was because he was not ashamed of her. Second, it was because she was not ashamed of herself. So, regardless of what people said or wrote about both of them, they remained a strong team from start to finish. In fact, they never got anyone arrested for despising the woman as a result of her poor use of the English language.

In like manner, as long as you and your love partner are not ashamed of each other, regardless of your educational background differences, you are good to go. I mean that as long as you are not ashamed of introducing yourself for you are to your better educated lover’s family and friends, you are good to go. And as long as your lover too is not ashamed or afraid to introduce you to their family and friends as one that is not as educated as they are, you are good to go.

But once there is an iota of shame in any of you because of the differences in your educational qualifications, then, you don’t need to waste each other’s time. In fact, you don’t need to start anything together. And this is why I have been saying that you should not accidentally fall in love with anyone. Don’t accidentally fall in love with anyone before you find out that they are way ahead of you or way below you academically. You may end up injuring yourself that way.

Then don’t make the mistake of trying to pressure your lover to catch up with you academically or of trying to force yourself to catch up with your lover academically. You may get both of you wounded that way. That is besides the fact that doing so may still not bring you two any closer than you are now in academic matters.

There are people today who get involved in examination malpractices, even at post-graduate levels. And when I hear such stories, the question I keep asking myself is ‘Who are they trying to catch up with?’ Maybe they want to catch up with their colleagues at work. Or maybe they want to catch up with certain family members or with their spouses.

Whatever the case may be, they are cheating at such educational levels most likely because they are pursuing another person’s dream. So, they make nonsense of their reputations before the world. What a shame!

Now you don’t have to put yourself through any such mess. And you won’t have to put yourself through it, if you will follow my counsel here. What is it? It is that you should not settle for anyone, if you are wishing they were more educated than they currently are or if you are wishing that you were as educated as they currently are. The fact that you have such wishes shows that you will not be able to handle the challenges that will come to you in the future as a result of your educational differences.

So, don’t force it. Let them go. God will provide someone that is suitable for you in this area, just as He will provide for the person you are considering too someone that is suitable for them in the area.

Remember that the bible says that none of us should think more highly of himself than he is (Romans 12:3). In other words, we are not to have an exaggerated opinion of ourselves. And that includes not assuming that we are fit to handle what we cannot handle. There are people who know it is way out of mental and emotional capabilities to marry someone more educated than themselves. Yet because they want to boast in the person’s achievements, they will weld themselves into a union with the person. And when it becomes clear that the person is ashamed to identify with them in certain situations because of their low education, they will become bitter.

As some of us know, there are people who, even though they claim to be Christians, are ashamed of identifying with their illiterate parents publicly. They just don’t want their friends, colleagues at work or church members to see them with such parents. Why? They consider it embarrassing that, as highly educated and suave as they are, their own parents don’t know how to dress well, speak good English and fit in properly in a modern society. So, always do their best to keep them away from their public lives.

If you, then, should end up with someone like that, do you think the person will spare you, if you are not as educated as they are? Do you think the person will not consider it embarrassing to bring you along with them to a public function that requires that they appear with their spouse? Will you too not think that you will make fools of yourself and your lover, if you should attend certain public or social functions with them, if you are not in their academic class?

So, love matters go beyond being emotionally attached to someone. They also involve knowing how well we can cope or handle ourselves in the person’s world, without any feeling of shame or inferiority. And we have to be truthful to ourselves about this. Otherwise, we will end up getting ourselves and others wounded. And such wounds may not heal in an entire lifetime.

This is where we will end it for this hangout. I pray that God will give you clearer understanding of these things wherever you need it, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Thank you everyone for your time, patience and contributions.  

In our last hangout, we dwelt on the need for those who want to go into love relationship to be in agreement also in lifestyle. As I have been showing you, it is not enough for the person you are considering for a love relationship to be a true child of God; it is equally important that the two have you agree in purpose and also in lifestyle.

Remember that the Scripture we have been using says, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3NIV) Now the agreement being talked about here, as I told you before, goes beyond saying, “Yes, I will marry you.” It basically has to do with agreement in purpose and in lifestyle. And unless you and the person that you are having love talks together are in agreement in these two areas, you have no business starting a love life together.

So, brother, do not rush that sister to say ‘Yes’ to you, if you have not thoroughly considered how agreeable you both are in purpose and in lifestyle. And if after you have discussed the possibility of a love relationship with her, you realise that you are poles apart in purpose and in lifestyle, don’t be reluctant to admit that you are wrong about her. Then don’t try to compel her to embrace a purpose that is contrary to what she firmly believes in or to adopt a lifestyle that is foreign to her. That will not yield any good fruit.

In like manner, sister, do not rush to say ‘Yes’ to anybody, if you have not thoroughly considered how agreeable you both are in purpose and in lifestyle. Yes, if you have been close to the person for a while, you may have the advantage of being able to tell how agreeable you are in these things even before the person declares his intention to you. But if you do not have that advantage, give yourself one by taking your time to ask relevant questions from the person about their purpose in life and their lifestyle. Yes, ask to know where they have been, where they are going and what they do with their life outside church meetings. You may be amazed at what sort of things you will learn, if you do that.

In any case, all of this is why you not be overconfident in telling anybody that God says, “You will be my wife,” or “You will be my husband.” Most of the time when people speak like this, God ain’t saying a thing. God will never tell you that someone whose purpose and lifestyle are not in agreement with yours is definitely your wife or husband. Otherwise, He will be contradicting Himself.

God has already said, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” So, if there is no agreement between you and someone in purpose and in lifestyle, you should know that whatever voice you heard that confirmed the person as your future spouse was not God’s voice.

See, one of the things we, as God’s people, must understand is that the fact that God has brought someone our way or connected us with someone does not mean that He wants us to marry the person. Yes, God has made you and this person meet in school, in your neighbourhood, in your workplace or in your Christian assembly. In addition, the one we are talking about is a true child of God and you feel attracted to them. You may even be doing a number of things together and having fun together. It still does not mean that a love relationship is meant to happen between you.

I have seen best of friends torn apart when tried to turn their friendships into love relationships. I have also seen best of friends ending up fornicating together, even though they knew that love relationships could not work between them under normal circumstances.

Why do such things happen to us? One main reason is that we are not discerning in handling our relationships. We don’t understand how to define our relationships with people based on our purpose and lifestyles. If we will define our relationships with those in our lives based on our purpose and lifestyles, we will not accidentally fall in love with anyone. Instead, we quickly deal with whatever unclean or wrong feelings we are having for them before those feelings possess us.

As we are shown in the bible, it was God that brought all the animals that He had created to Adam to see what name he would give to each of them. Yet God did not expect him to take any of them as his wife. And he was sound enough not to take any of them as his wife. Yes, all these animals and birds were lovely to behold and even friendly at the time, seeing that man had not yet fallen into sin. Yet Adam did not take any of them as his wife simply because it was God that brought it to him. And I asked, “Why?”

Well, the reason should be obvious to us. First, none of these animals and birds had the same purpose as Adam. And they could not have the same purpose as he did because they were not in the same class in reasoning. Adam’s purpose was to rule over the earth and make it glorious to live in. And he knew it. But did these animals and birds know anything about their purpose? No! They were all creatures of instinct. And whatever role any of them played in Adam’s life would be the role he permitted it to play.

But when Eve was brought to Adam, he did not hesitate to call her ‘Bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.’ Why? She was exactly like him in every way, besides her sex distinctions. She could think like him, reason like him, plan like him, evaluate like him and create like him. So, he knew that she was someone that they could perfectly walk together.

Now that is how it must be with you too. Don’t just conclude that someone will be alright in a love life with you because you are together most of the time or because you see yourself all the time. You probably saw your parents and siblings all the time when you were growing up. Yet it did not even enter your mind that you should take one of them as your lover. So, don’t use your being together with someone most of the time as your yardstick for picking them as your love partner. Otherwise, you may regret it for the rest of your life.

But don’t miss my point here. I am not saying that someone that you work together or study together or do things together cannot be the right love partner for you. That person may be right for you, if you share the same purpose and lifestyle. But if you don’t, even if love thoughts are coming to your mind about them, you had better kill those thoughts before they drive you crazy. And if limiting touching, holding, hugging or visiting them less is what will reset your brain, you had better apply it before you will start a race you cannot finish.

Moving a little away from that, you also need to check your agreement in faith matters with anyone you are considering for a love relationship. I mentioned something very briefly along these lines in our last hangout. Faith matters are serious matters. And just as it is wrong for you to settle in a love relationship with an unbeliever, it is also wrong for you to settle in a love relationship with one that you do not agree in Christian doctrines.

From what we see in the bible, even our Lord Jesus Christ is concerned about our doctrines as believers in Him. He is not content with our being born again alone; He is also interested in what we are feeding on and what is biblical principles we are apply in our lives. For instance, He says this in His letter to the church in Pergamum:

“Nevertheless, I have a few things against you: You have people there who hold to the teaching of Balaam, who taught Balak to entice the Israelites to sin by eating food sacrificed to idols and by committing sexual immorality. Likewise you also have those who hold to the teaching of the Nicolaitans. Repent therefore! Otherwise, I will soon come to you and will fight against them with the sword of my mouth.” (Rev 2:14-16NIV)

Did you see that? The Lord says that He will soon come and fight against certain people in the church at Pergamum. How will anybody survive that? But the Lord says that He will do so, if these people will not repent. And what are they to repent of? They are to repent of certain wrong and destructive doctrines they are holding to.

So, if you think doctrines don’t matter, then, something is wrong with your Christianity. Doctrines matter. What we teach God’s people matter. What God’s people embrace matter. They matter to the Lord and they should matter to us.

Now, of course, I cannot force or compel you to accept what I believe about any subject in the bible. In fact, it will be wrong of me to attempt to do that. I can show you, in all humility and sincerity, what I believe the word of God is saying about a matter. But it is up to you to settle down and prayerfully consider whatever I have shown you in order to see whether it agrees with entire body of the truth in the bible or not.

I was once in a love relationship with a lady from the Adventist church. She was a good woman in many ways and we were good with each other. However, this church thing was a problem for us. Because I did not know all these things at the time, I really did not think much about it. Since I was the man in the relationship, I just assumed that she would naturally follow me to whatever church I attended. But that was nothing but a foolish assumption, one that would have been costly too, if I had not ended what was going on between us before it was too late.

I said that because she, somehow, was secretly nursing in the idea in her mind that she would be able to take him to her church. So, she would invite me to their programmes and make me comment on what I thought of them. Still, I did not think anything was going wrong underneath.

But one day, I decided to take her through what the bible says about sabbaths, the laws of Moses and other related things, based on my understanding of them. And when we were done, she was like, “Wow! I have never seen these things in the bible like this. Thank you.”

Now, evidently, she had embraced her church doctrines without really going over what the bible says about them. And there are many like her in the church today who are ready to die for their church doctrines, even though they do not know where these doctrines are in the bible. If you, then, are one of such people, you need to change. Yes, you need to be like the Berean people and begin to take out time to examine what you believe in the bible in order to see that you have not believed wrongly. (Cf. Acts 17:10-12)

In any case, after that bible study with my dear sister, I thought I had won and the matter would never be a problem again. But I was wrong. How? Well, the next time she went to church, she took up the matter with her pastor and made him go over the Scriptures we had looked at with her again. And by the time they were done, somehow, the man had succeeded in restoring her brain to factory setting. So, she came back to me with renewed zeal about her doctrines. And from then, I knew that I had lost and that there was no true hope for our love life.

Why did I share this story with you? It is to let you know that faith matters are heart matters. Therefore, they are serious matters that you cannot dismiss with a wave of your hands. If you and someone, then, are not in agreement in certain faith matters that are of importance to you both, don’t even start anything called love story. Otherwise, it may end up becoming a super story, a love life of sorrow and struggles. I am sure you get my point.

Yes, as believers in Christ Jesus, the difference in our doctrines are not much, from church to church. But as little as those differences are, they are daily making it difficult for us to relate to ourselves as one in Christ. For example, up to this very moment, there are Christian assemblies in this country that do not accept certain Christians like themselves as true children of God. How, then, do you think you will fare in your love life, if you go and join yourself in love with a brother or a sister from an assembly where they do not even think of you as a true child of God?

Let me stop here this evening. We will continue next week, if Jesus tarries. I thank you all for your time, patience and contributions and pray that God will use these truths to establish you in true love lives that will honour Him and bless your world too. Amen. 

We have been looking at the need for those who are going into love relationships, especially those who have suffered broken love relationships, to aim at getting things right before starting fresh love relationships. And that has led us to the need for them to see that they agree in purpose and in lifestyle with whoever they are considering for a love relationship.

As I pointed out while we were looking at these things in our previous hangouts, the fact that someone is a true child of God does not mean that you are meant for each other. You also have to consider your agreement in purpose before you conclude that you are meant for each other. Otherwise, even if you manage to get married, your lack of unity of purpose may end up ruining everything for you in that marriage.

Then there is also a need for you to be in agreement in lifestyle with whoever you want to settle for in a love relationship. This, of course, does not mean that your lifestyles will altogether same. But it means that both of you must be able to accept each another’s lifestyle and tolerate or overlook anything that seems annoying about it.

See, the fact that someone is a child of God does not mean that you will find their lifestyle appealing or welcoming. That is because each person’s lifestyle has to do with the way they view life. And apart from the word of God, the factors responsible for the way we view life are enormous.

To say the fact, every experience we have every day has a way of affecting our view of life. This is why you cannot freely say that your lifestyle is the best or that it is better than another person’s lifestyle. It is the lifestyle that each person considers suitable for them that they will adopt. And if you cannot cope with someone’s lifestyle, you had better let the person be, instead of trying to make them conform to your lifestyle.

Do you know that even God did not create all of us to have the same lifestyle? Otherwise, all of us would have had the same measure of hunger, thirst and taste and all of us would have been of the same colour, size and height. Then if God had wanted all of us to have the same lifestyle, He would have ensured that our weather conditions are the same in every part of the world and that we all are wealthy or poor by the same degree.

But we all know that these things are not so for us in the world. There are all kinds of visible differences in our appearances and in the circumstances of where we live. Therefore, even if we all wished to have the same lifestyle, we would find it practically impossible.

The rich, for instance, have their own kind of lifestyle. They have places they go and places they don’t go. They have people that they are free to keep as friends and those that they are not free to keep as friends. They also have minimum qualities of things they use and so forth. And do these things make sinners of them? No!

What about those who are not rich? They also have their own kind of lifestyle. They have places they visit and places they may never dream of visiting. They have classes of people that they are free to associate with and also classes of people they don’t want to go near. Then they have their own markets and the maximum qualities of things they spend their money on and so forth. And do these things make sinners of them? No!

Read the bible, and you will see that God, under the Old Covenant, made room for His people to bring Him certain offerings or sacrifices, based on how rich or poor they were, that is, based on what the individual could afford. So, while some people, for instance, would bring him lambs for guilt offerings, some others would bring him doves or pigeons as guilt offerings. And God never rejected anybody for bringing what He could afford, whether it was a lamb or a dove or a pigeon. (Cf. Lev 5)

And it might interest you to know that Jesus’ parents could only afford doves or pigeons when they brought Him to Jerusalem for consecration (Luke 2:21-24). They could not afford a lamb. And did God get angry with them for that? No! Did He refer to them as sinners because of that? No!

I showed you these things to let you see that money has great roles to play in determining people’s lifestyles. Also, people’s family background, academic background, trade or involvement in politics, sports or entertainment also have important roles to play in determining their lifestyles. These things have great roles to play in determining what they eat and do not eat, where they go and do not go, how much time they spend indoors or outdoors, the quality of things they use and do not use and so forth.

Look at what is said in the bible about Esau and Jacob, for example: “The boys grew up, and Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was a quiet man, staying among the tents. Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob.” (Gen 25:27-28NIV)

Did you see that? These men were born by the same parents and on the same day. Yet they adopted different lifestyles. Esau was a hunter. So, naturally, spent more time outdoors than Jacob and perhaps kept more friends than him. In fact, that even led him to marry earlier than Jacob. And was anything wrong with that lifestyle? No! Or was that what made him a godless man? No!

Jacob, however, was an indoor person, someone who liked to live in quietness and away from the noise in the streets. And that must have given him the opportunity to learn all kinds of things about homemaking and so forth. That explained why we get the impression in the bible that he was a great cook, one whose food was enticing enough to make Esau pay for it with his birthright.

But was Jacob a good man because he was an indoor person? No! Yes, he was someone that took God and His promises seriously. But that did not change the fact that he was a cheat.

In any case, even though these two men were both Isaac and Rebekah’s sons, their only sons, each of them had their favourite of the two. Isaac loved and preferred Esau because of his lifestyle as a hunter and an outdoor person. Rebekah loved preferred Jacob because he was readily available to help her at home. And because of these things, Isaac was willing to give the blessing he had inherited from Abraham to Esau, even though he was aware that he had sold his birthright and no longer deserved it. Also, because of these things Rebekah was willing to trick her darling husband into blessing Jacob, even though he was not the one called for the blessing. (Cf. Gen 27)

Now was it right of any of these parents to have a favourite between their two kids? No! Were they not supposed to love and cherish them equally? They were! But they did not. Why? Lifestyles! Each of them went for the lifestyle he was at home with. And that, of course, created generation problems for their family.

Why did I share these things with you? I did to let you know that even a parent can choose one child over the others because of the lifestyle of that child. That, of course, is wrong. But it is happening. And if parents will discriminate among their children because of their love or hate for a particular lifestyle, you who want to marry should have enough sense to know what lifestyle you are at home with and what lifestyle you are not at home with.

Do you know that even people’s faith also has some roles to play in determining their lifestyles? Christians, for instance, that are from assemblies that do not endorse the use of jewelleries and certain household electronics may not be at home in some social functions. And if you are someone who cannot but attend social functions regularly because of your career or position in the society, do you think you will be able to cope with someone from such an assembly in a love life or marriage? Will you be fine with taking them out with you, in spite of how they dress or make up? Will you even be able to make your own family and friends accept them, regardless of how odd they look when they come visiting? Or will you try to trick or pressure them to change their lifestyle for you?

Often, people think everything about love relationships is love. And love is indeed a powerful motivation for change. In fact, it is the highest motivation for change. Love can make people give up on anything. It can even make them give up their lives. But how are you sure this person will love you enough to give up their life, career, taste or lifestyle for you? Then why must it be the other person and not you that must give up their life or lifestyle or anything for you?

If nothing is wrong is wrong with my lifestyle, if God does not condemn my lifestyle, why should I give it up for you? If I am giving up my lifestyle to adopt yours, it has to be out of my own volition; it has to be because I now believe in that lifestyle and am ready to embrace it. Otherwise, I will want to maintain my lifestyle. And if you are not okay with it, you can move on.

Sadly, many don’t pay attention to these things or take them as anything serious when they are on the road to marriage. So, they end up marrying someone who wants to maintain a contrary lifestyle in their marriage. How will they not have issues? They are bound to have issues.

When I was working in the bank, I had colleagues who would go stray to a beer joint after the day’s work and may not get back home until 10pm or even 12pm. And some of these men were married at the time. So, I always asked myself, “How are their women coping?”

I also had some who must go out to watch football matches of their favourite clubs anytime they were playing, even though they could watch these matches right in their siting or living rooms. Why? They had always been like that. That had been a part of their lifestyle before they got married. Yet their women married them like that. How, then, would it sound if those same women were complaining about their lifestyle? They would sound ridiculous!

These things, of course, do not apply to men alone. For instance, I also had some female bosses when I was in the bank that could not just go home the way others would leave at the end of each day’s job. Why? That was the time some of the big customers of the bank used to come around for some meetings or favours.

Now how were these women’s husbands able to cope? I wouldn’t know. I never bothered to find out. But I knew in my heart of hearts that I could not marry a woman that would leave the house as early as 5am or 6am in the morning and return at 9pm or 10pm. It just cannot work for me, even if the person were an angel.

But some people really don’t mind. Some men and women don’t mind being away from their partners for months, as long as they have all the money they need and all the time they need to move around with their friends. In fact, they may not be themselves, if their partners are around at home for too long. They will want them to travel somewhere. They will, in fact, encourage them to do so.

Well, whatever the case may be, you need to know what sort of lifestyle you can accommodate in your future home. You also need to know if the person you are considering for a love life can accommodate your lifestyle. That, of course, will mean that the two of you will need to be open to yourselves about how you use your life, time, resources and so forth. That will help you in making well-informed about your relationship, going forward. It will let you know whether you even need to bring that relationship matter before God or not.

Now I must also say this: even though God does not choose lifestyle for people and so will not condemn them because of it, He has guidelines for us on building a lifestyle that is acceptable before Him, whether we are rich or poor, educated or not educated, influential or not influential. And what are those guidelines? First, He tells us that our lifestyle must be free of greed (Heb 13:5). Second, He tells us our lifestyle must reflect moderation and decency (1Tim 2:9-10). Third, He tells us that our lifestyle must reflect consideration for others (Romans 14).

So, while God cannot fault you for any lifestyle you adopt, based on your financial, academic or social conditions, He can fault you if your lifestyle is stained by greed, indecency or lack of consideration for others. And this, of course, is showing us that regardless of the lifestyle a person adopts, if the person is not greedy, indecent or inconsiderate, you will most likely be able to enjoy your love relationship with them.

But if they are any of those things, if they are greedy, indecent or inconsiderate, even if they are poor, you have issues keeping a love relationship with them, not to talk of going into a marriage with them. And the same thing is applicable to you too. If you are greedy, indecent or inconsiderate, it does not matter what lifestyle you adopt, you will always have problems in your love relationship.

See, money cannot make husbands and wives whose lifestyles are not agreeable happy together and with themselves. Yet agreeable lifestyles can make husbands and wives who do not have money happy together and with one another most of the time, if not all the time. So, if you are marrying even an angel of God, be sure your lifestyles are in agreement. Otherwise, you may end up in an unhappy and unexciting marriage for the rest of your life.

This is where we will end this hangout. I thank you all for you time, patience and contributions. 

As I pointed out in our last hangout, it is not enough for you to want to marry a true child of God; it is equally important that there is unity of purpose and unity of lifestyle between you and any such child of God. Let me give you that Scripture again, for I do not want you to forget it. It says:

“Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3NIV)

Did you see that? You and whoever you want to go for as your love partner have to be in agreement in order for your love life to end in a loving and peaceful home. And this agreement goes far beyond saying, “I do.” It also has to do with being in agreement in those matters that are of relevance to both of you.

As I also pointed out before, the fact that both of you are great Christians does not mean that you will be automatically be good for each other as lovers. You may not be good for each other at all. And you will not be good for each other, if there is no agreement in your purpose in life and also in your lifestyle. If there is, then, no agreement in your purpose and in your lifestyle, don’t insist on marrying each other. Also, don’t let anyone misapply the word of God or any vision to lead you into marrying each other. Otherwise, you will most likely regret it.

When Abraham was sending his servant to get a wife for his son Isaac among his people, he made it very clear to him what was acceptable and what was not acceptable. Look at a part of their conversation:

“The servant asked him, "What if the woman is unwilling to come back with me to this land? Shall I then take your son back to the country you came from?" "Make sure that you do not take my son back there," Abraham said. "The LORD, the God of heaven, who brought me out of my father's household and my native land and who spoke to me and promised me on oath, saying, 'To your offspring I will give this land' — he will send his angel before you so that you can get a wife for my son from there. If the woman is unwilling to come back with you, then you will be released from this oath of mine. Only do not take my son back there." So the servant put his hand under the thigh of his master Abraham and swore an oath to him concerning this matter.” (Gen 24:5-9NIV)

Why, in the first place, was Abraham sending his servant to find a wife for his son Isaac among his relatives? It was because he could not see any wife material among the people of the land in which they were living. So, it is possible that the right person for you is not readily available for you where you are. And where that is the case, do not just go for anybody. Instead, be ready to step out of that comfort zone and pray that God will lead you to where the right person for you is. And He will surely answer you.

In any case, even though Abraham’s servant was ready to do his bidding, he also knew that it was possible for him not to find a woman that would be willing to abandon her family and her inheritance in order to come and marry a man that she had never met. So, he asked Abraham what he should do, if there was no woman willing to come back to Isaac with him. His question actually was, “Shall I take your son back to your country?” And without mincing words, Abraham told him never to take his son back to that place because of marriage.

Why did Abraham respond in that manner? He responded in that manner because he and Isaac were men of purpose. They were not in the land of Canaan at the time because they just wanted to be there. They were there because God chose the land for them and told them to stay there. In fact, God had promised to give that land to them and their descendants after them. So, even though they owned nothing there at the time, except the cave Abraham had bought to bury his wife Sarah, they knew that God would make good His word to them.

The point I am making is that Abraham knew God’s purpose for Isaac. Isaac himself also knew God’s purpose for his life. And that purpose required that he remained in the land of Canaan. So, even though he could not at the moment find any suitable woman for himself in Canaan, he knew that he could not leave the place. Any woman, then, who would not be willing to live with him in that land would not be the right woman for him, regardless of how godly and wonderful she may be.

That was why when Abraham’s servant eventually found Rebekah, a pretty, hardworking and lovely lady, all that he was concerned about was her willingness to come back to Canaan with him. And if she had not been willing to do so, the man would just have left their house to look elsewhere.

Now this story shows us how important it is for everyone who wants to get married to know their God-given purpose in life, to know where they are headed in life. That way, they will be able to tell whether the person they are considering for a love life is headed in the same direction or not. And if the person is not headed in the same direction, the wise thing for them to do is to let that person go, even if the person is the most wonderful child of God in the world.

So, again, what is your purpose in life? Do you know it? Where are you headed? Where do you want to live? What are the visions you want to pursue in life? You must know these things and be able to talk about them clearly to whoever you are considering for a love life. I will like you to take out time to read Genesis 24 to see how Abraham’s servant clearly explained Abraham and Isaac’s spiritual and financial conditions and what led them to looking for a wife outside Canaan to Rebekah’s family. You will learn a lot from the account.

In any case, my point is that you need to know what you are up to in life and be able to clearly explain it to whoever you are considering for a love life. Then that person also must know what they are up to in life and be able to clearly explain it to you. That way, both of you will be able to tell whether you are meant for each other or not.

See, God’s number one reason for establishing the marriage institution is that it may be a platform for both the man and woman to support each other in realising His good purposes for their lives. And for that to happen, the man must be willing to accept the purpose of his woman as his own purpose, just as the woman must be ready to accept the purpose of the man in life as her own purpose. If they are not ready to accept themselves in this manner, they are not in agreement. And if they should go ahead and marry themselves in that condition, they can expect their marriage to be a disaster, even though both of them are great children of God.

So, don’t be in a hurry to start a love relationship with anyone until you are sure both of you are headed in the same direction. That, of course, may require that one of you make some sacrifices. Jacob sacrificed fourteen years of his life as a young man in order to have Rachel as his wife. Of course, life expectancy was higher at that time than it is now. So, you may not be able to freely sacrifice fourteen years of your life to wait for someone to join you in living together to realise God’s purpose for your life. Otherwise, what will be left of the years of your life? (Cf. Gen 29)

But the point is that you both must be in agreement as far as the direction that you are going in life is concerned. Yes, of course, there may be a need for you both to review some of your plans and visions, having gotten married. And both of you will see the need for that, if it should arise. For instance, Joseph and Mary had to hurriedly leave for Egypt when Herod was after baby Jesus’s life. That, evidently, was not a part of their original plans for their home. But circumstances of life necessitated it. And both of them had to act accordingly. (Cf. Matt 2)

So, when I am saying that you must be in agreement in purpose with anyone you want to settle for, I do not mean that things cannot change in the future. Things can change, things that may make you or your partner review some of your plans and purposes in life. How, then, would you or your partner respond, if that should happen?

That, of course, is not an easy question to answer. But you should be interested in discussing that as well with the person you are considering for a love life before you proceed. You both should be interested in discussing what things could make you change your mind about your job, your location or certain visions you have. Discussions of such nature are quite important, for they will expose certain hidden truths, desires and aversions of the human heart to you.

As we see in the bible, Michal, Saul’s younger daughter, was the first wife of David. Why did she marry David? First, it was because she was in love with him. Second, it was because her father wanted to use her as a trap to destroy David. But did she even know that? And did she care to know? No! (Cf. 1Sam 18:20-29)

So, Michal’s love for David was a clueless love. She just admired him and wanted him to be hers. Why? It was most likely because he was a handsome warrior and leader. She must have been watching the way everyone related to him with love, respect and adoration and concluded that it would not be a bad idea having him as a husband.

But did she know David’s purpose in life? No! Did she bother to find out? No! Did she know her own purpose in life, apart from being a princess that could be married off anytime? No! Did she bother to find out? No! Was she concerned about what marrying her would cost David? No! If she had been concerned, she would have found out that the bride price her father demanded for was outrageous and done something about it.

Saul, her father, actually demanded for 100 foreskins of the Philistines from David as Michal’s pride price. That was something that could have gotten him killed, if God had not been with him. And if he had been killed in that manner, what would have become of Michal’s love for him? Only God knows!

So, even though Michal loved David, she had no purpose in life other than become someone’s wife. That, of course, was why she made no effort to find out David’s purpose in life and to also see if their marriage would serve that purpose. It was also why she could not see that her father was merely using her as a trap to destroy David.

You can see, then, that even though you are a true child of God, if you do not know your purpose and choose someone whose purpose agrees with yours as your love partner, some other people may just begin to use your love relationship to serve their own purpose. Those people could be your parents, your friends or even your church leaders. And only God knows how many homes have been ruined as a result of that.

See, even though you cannot marry in isolation from those already in your life, you are not getting married for them but for God and for yourself. No, you are not getting married to serve their purpose but your God-given purpose in life. So, before you even start a love relationship with anyone, settle that in your heart. And if you know that your marriage or love life will be all about serving the purpose of a parent, a friend or a church leader, you had better stay away from anything called a love relationship. Otherwise, you have started destroying home before you even begin to build it.

Well, David, as we see in Scriptures, had been anointed as king at that time in place of Saul, Michal’s daughter. That was God’s purpose for his life. But did Michal know that? If she knew, did she take it seriously? Evidently, even if she knew, she did not take it seriously. That is because when David fled from her father, she did not flee with him.

Why did she not go with her husband? First, it was because she did not believe in his kingship. In fact, she eventually agreed with her father to marry someone else after David had fled. Second, it was because she loved the palace lifestyle. That means she did not see herself roaming from place to place with David, when she could be enjoying the palace life.

Also, David was a true worshipper of God, one that was ready any time and any day to worship God with everything within him. Did Michal know that? Not likely! Even if she knew, she did not take it seriously. She would, in fact, complain in the future about David’s worship of God. She said that was not kingly enough for her. (Cf. 2Sam 6:12-23; 1Chro 14:25-29)

That, of course, shows that she had no business marrying someone like David in the first place. David also had no business marrying someone like Michal at all, even though he was under pressure to do so. He had once rejected the idea of being the king’s son-in-law. Why did he change his mind? Or did he think marrying Michal would make Saul stop coming after him?

Well, I shared this account with you, first, to show you the need to know your purpose in life and to be sure that it is in agreement with the purpose of whoever you are considering for a love life before you start anything with them. Second, it is to let you search your heart to see how you would most likely respond, if circumstances of life should challenge your purpose in life when you are already married. Would you be willing to give up your purpose for your home to stand? If you would not be willing to give up your purpose for anything or anyone, would you make that clear to the one you are considering for a love life before you start anything with them?

Let us stop here for tonight. I pray that the Spirit of God will breathe on these words in your heart and use them to guide you into what is best for you, in Jesus’ name. Amen. 

In our last hangout, I told you that there are minimum requirements that you must look for in anyone you want to marry. And one of them is their relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. Is the person a believer in the Lord Jesus? Is the person born again? If the person is not born again, then, you have no business falling in love with them, whether on purpose or accidentally. Otherwise, you may end up regretting it throughout eternity.

Another minimum requirement is the soundness of the faith of whatever born again child of God that you are considering. Paul, in his writings, shows us that there are two kinds of Christians, namely, the spiritual Christian and the carnal Christian. And interestingly, these two kinds of Christians often co-exist in all our Christian assemblies. So, there is no Christian assembly in which we do not have carnal Christians. They may not be in the majority. But they are there. In fact, in some assemblies of God, the carnal Christians present are the majority.

Whatever the case may be, it will be wisdom for you not to choose a carnal Christian as your love partner. That is because a carnal Christian may not be different from an unbeliever at all in conduct. In fact, you may find around you unbelievers that are by far better in conduct than some carnal believers that you know. So, don’t just go for anyone simply because the person is a Christian. Rather, go for whoever you go for because you can see that they are not just a Christian by words of mouth but also in conduct.

But you know, it will take a spiritual person to identify another spiritual person. In other words, you yourself have to be a spiritual person to first appreciate the need for you to go for a spiritual person, as far as your love life is concerned. And you will have to be a spiritual person to be able to tell whether the person you are going for is spiritual or carnal. If you yourself are not spiritual, it will take God’s mercy and favour to end up with a spiritual husband or wife.

Look at what the bible tells us about carnality:

“Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God.” (Rom 8:7-8NKJV)

Did you see that? Carnal people are hostile to God. They may be born again. But there will be certain areas, if not all the areas of their lives, in which they will be hostile to God. In other words, in those areas of their lives, they will not want to listen to God or let Him have a say.

Interestingly, the carnality in Christians is often revealed through or in their love affairs. I mean that it is when a Christian wants to make a love decision that we can tell whether he is deeply and truly spiritual or not. That is when we will see whether he is going to listen to God and follow His ways or not.

In any case, the word of God has made it clear to us that those who are carnal cannot please God. So, if you are a carnal Christian, you cannot make love decisions that will please God. But if you decide to let go of your will in the matter and listen to what God is saying to you, then, you will be able to make wise love decisions that will please God and also give you rest.

Now, having made sure that the person you will go for in love matters is a spiritual believer, you also need to consider how agreeable you are in matters that are of importance to both of you. Remember that the word of God says, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3NIV) What that means is that if you cannot agree with someone on those matters of relevance to you and your life, even though the person is a Christian, that person is not the right love partner for you.

Don’t miss my point here. There are probably a million and one things that you and your love partner may not agree on in life. But if those things have no direct or indirect impact on your love relationship, wisdom will tell you to drop them and not make any issue out of them.

But to say the fact, there are times that lovers, including very married people, fight, argue or quarrel over nonsense. We have heard stories of husbands and wives quarrelling over where toothpaste tubes should be pressed or not pressed or over where certain household appliances should be placed. That sounds ridiculous, right? But these things happen.

Now such things happen because of selfishness. When someone is selfish, he will not be considerate. And when someone is not considerate, he will be ready to fight over nothing. Do you know that lovers can have issues agreeing over the colours they will use on their wedding day? But what is the big deal about the colours you use? Who is going to remember? How will those colours build your marriage? Is it even the colour that you pick that your guests will eat?

But lovers can spend days or weeks arguing over that? Why? Selfishness! Lack of consideration! Foolishness!

Well, the point I am making is that when we are dealing with being agreeable or united in purpose in a love relationship, we are not saying that you and your lover will have the same view about every matter of life or that you will love and appreciate the same things the same way. That is practically impossible. And if you should find someone who seems to love everything you love and in the same manner that you love it, you are mostly likely dealing with a hypocrite, a deceiver. At the right time, such an individual will reveal their true colour.

I don’t love all the foods that my wife love. And she also does not love all the foods that I love. Did that stop us from marrying each other? No! Why? It was because such matters, for us, are not matters serious enough to determine how peaceful or joyous our home would be. But both of us had to see things that way. Otherwise, we may end up having our home ruined because of food matters.

There are men, for instance, that love pounded yam and believe they must eat it as many times as they may want to every week. Such men, then, may need to look for women that would agree to pound yam for them as often as they may want to eat it. Otherwise, that may be what will scatter their future homes.

I once heard that a man would wake his wife up at midnight to pound yam for him. That sounds outrageous, right. But it is the truth. And has that caused their separation? No! Why? The woman was in agreement with him to be doing it. In fact, it was the woman herself that mentioned it. And she mentioned it gladly, at least from the way she sounded.

At any rate, I quickly mentioned those examples to let you see that it is important that you are in agreement with whoever you want to marry over any matter that is of relevance to you before you step into a relationship with them. So, if there are food matters are of relevance to you, food matters that you cannot overlook, talk about them before settling down with anyone in a love relationship. Don’t assume that the person should be able to understand and accept you as you are, simply because he or she is a Christian. That may end up being a costly assumption.

In like manner, if there are colour matters that are of relevance to you, which you cannot overlook, you should talk about them before going into a love relationship with anyone. Yes, colour matters, for someone like me, are childish matters to raise in a love relationship. But if it is something that is capable of upsetting you, you should bring it up.

Now, of course, I will more examples along these lines later. But I want us to focus more at the moment on the need for you to see that you are united in purpose on those things that obviously matter with anyone you are considering for a love relationship before you start anything with them.

See, the fact that you are both good Christians does not mean that you will automatically be in agreement in life purpose or lifestyles. Did you read in Scriptures that Barnabas and Paul once had a sharp dispute that resulted in their separation in ministry? Yet both of them were fine Christians. On that occasion, however, they could not agree in purpose. So, the elders of the church counselled them to go their separate ways. That, of course, did not make them enemies. But it made them unfit to be together on the same team. (Cf. Acts 15:36-41)

Also, Paul, in his letter to the Philippians, has this to say about certain women that were friends and ministry companions of his:

“I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.” (Phil 4:2-3NIV)

Did you see that? Euodia and Syntyche were both wonderful believers, women who had given their lives for the cause of the gospel. Yet they just could not get along with each other. Why? We are not told. But the sake of the heath of their Christian assembly, Paul had to tell another friend and leader in their assembly to help them resolve their differences.

Why I am giving you these examples? I am giving them to you to let you understand that the fact that someone is a good Christian does not mean that you are meant for each other, as far as love matters are concerned. The person will have to be in agreement with you on all the matters that are of relevance to you before you can conclude that a love life between the two of you will work. Otherwise, though you are both good Christians, you lack of unity of purpose and lifestyle may end up ruining your affairs and even your faith.

So, what are you after in life? What is your purpose? Where do you want to be? What job or business or career do you want to give yourself to? Where do you want to live? What sort of home do you want to build? You need to know these things and be settled in your heart about them. Otherwise, you won’t be able to tell whether you are in agreement in purpose and lifestyle with that person you are considering for a love relationship or not.

If, for instance, you are a farmer, you will most likely not be crazy about living in a city, even if you are involved in mechanised farming. And that will not be because you think that living in a city is wrong but because your treasures are not in the cities but in those farm villages or settlements where your farms are located. So, if you are choosing a love partner, you will need to know that the person is at home with the lifestyle that is associated with farming. Otherwise, it will not be long at all after your marriage before you start having issues.

See, the issues that tear homes apart are not always money matters or adultery or other forms of unfaithfulness. A lot of times, homes are torn apart because those in them are not giving themselves enough attention, participation, freedom, permission, recognition or support. So, how much attention, participation, permission, freedom recognition or support will you want from your partner in your future home? You need to tell yourself the truth about it. That is because these are part of the things that should determine who you choose and who you do not choose as your lover.

And let me say this: Don’t get carried away by the externals. People often show us what they want us to see about them. And what they want us to see may not be what we need to see about them. But we need to see about them is what will enable us to make informed decisions about our relationships with them.

So, even though you believe that lovely Christian sister is just the right person for you, be willing to show her all that she needs to know about you, your purpose and your lifestyle. Forget about what she thinks she know. Instead, show her all the truth that she needs to know about you. Also, make her feel free to ask questions. That way, she can make well-informed decisions about the matter at hand, without feeling coerced or pressured.

In like manner, even if you believe this lovely Christian brother that has come to you is just the right person for you, take your time to ask relevant questions about him, his life, his purpose, his lifestyle, his family and whatever is of interest to you. Don’t just say, “Give me some time to pray about this.” Yes, you will pray about it and must pray about it. But why do you need revelations for things you can know by examination and observation?

God hardly reveals to people things that they can learn through studies, examinations, questioning and observation. So, even though you are still going to ask God to reveal whatever truth you need to know about the person you are considering for your love life to you, take your time to ask them relevant questions about their life and purpose, so that you can see whether you can agree to walk together in a love relationship. And you must look out for their willingness to freely answer your questions. That will let you know whether you need to further pray about their matter or not.

We will continue from here in our next hangout. I pray that your hearts will be strengthened to take these things seriously and act on them, in Jesus’ name. Amen. Thank you everyone for your time, patience and contributions.  

In our last hangout, we rounded off on the note that anyone that is starting a fresh love relationship can marry anyone they like, as long as the person is a true child of God. And that is not my idea. That is what the word of God teaches us.

Let me give you that Scripture again: “A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.” (1Cor 7:39NIV)

Did you see that? You are free to marry anyone you wish to marry, tall or short, light or dark, skinny or fat, educated or uneducated, rich or poor, as long as the person is a true child of God. That means the number one thing that will qualify someone to be your lover is their relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. So, first your main job is being certain that this person you want to start a love relationship with is a child of God.

As we see in the bible, there are false believers. There are also believers with fraudulent reputation. For instance, Jesus says this about the church in Sardis:

“…I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead.” (Rev 3:1NIV)

What the Lord says here represents His generally view of most of the brethren in the church in Sardis. As far as He is concerned, the reputation that most of them have as Christians is fraudulent; it does not exist. Everyone around thinks of them as vibrant Christians, men and women and boys and girls that are alive to God. But they are not dead to God. In other words, God is no longer able to reach them with His truth and make it build up their lives.

How, then, are they able to give those around them the impression that they are alive to God? It is through hypocrisy. That is a situation in which people use their activities in the church to cover up the death of their spirits to the things of God.

Unfortunately, there are many of God’s people today that are simply using church activities to cover their spiritual death, their carnality. You will think that they love God and are truly living for Him because they are always in church meetings, preaching, singing, praying in tongues or ushering people to their seats and smiling all the time. But those are the only things that are spiritual about their lives. When you get to meet them where they live, work, school or do business, you will be shocked at what you will see in them.

Check the phones of many of our so-called church brothers and sisters today, and you will be amazed at the kinds of songs and movie clips you will find on them. You can also check their social media statuses from time to time, and it may shock you what you will see. You may just realise that they are as worldly as that thug in your street or as that young lady in your neighbourhood that is a stripteaser. And if you should mistakenly start a love relationship with them, you may regret it for the rest of your life.

Well, my point is that don’t just assume that someone is a true child of God or a serious child of God because of they are involved in all kinds of church activities. Instead, let your focus be on the fruit that their lives are bearing.

Jesus says:

“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.” (Matt 7:15-17NIV)

Now what the Lord says here is not applicable to prophets or preachers alone; it is applicable to several other people in the church. I mean that there are many in the church that are nothing but ferocious wolves. And the Lord tells us to watch out for them. Why? The reason is that they will not come to us showing their true colour. Instead, they will come in disguise, acting like true children of God as we are. But all that they are after is how they will devour us.

If we don’t want to be devoured by them, then, we must be able to recognise them for what they are. And how? It is by checking out the fruit their lives are bearing. In other words, we will look beyond their devotion to church activities to the message their lives are communicating. What sort of words are coming out of their mouths? What kind of life are they living where they are and where they work? What reputation do they have among family members, neighbours and colleagues at work or in school?

We must know these things whether by revelation, observation or investigation or by all the three means. But we must know them, especially as it concerns anyone we want to go into a love relationship with. Otherwise, we may be tricked into falling in love with a little demon. And getting out of that relationship may not be something that will happen with our sustaining some serious heartaches or other forms of pains.

So, though the word of God tells us that it is okay to marry anyone you please, as long as the person is a child of God, don’t marry from Sardis Christian Assembly, unless the person is an exception. And the Lord actually says that there are some exceptional and worthy believers in the church in Sardis (Rev 3:4). But most of the brethren there are a fraud. And we have assemblies like that today as well, assemblies in which most of the brethren in them are a fraud. It will be wisdom for you, then, not to carelessly fall in love with anyone from them. Otherwise, it may be as good as falling in love with an unbeliever.

In Paul’s letter to Titus, he says this about the brethren there:

“Even one of their own prophets has said, "Cretans are always liars, evil brutes, lazy gluttons." This testimony is true. Therefore, rebuke them sharply, so that they will be sound in the faith and will pay no attention to Jewish myths or to the commands of those who reject the truth.” (Titus 1:12-14NIV)

Did you see that? Even though these brethren in Crete had become truly born again at the time that Paul wrote this letter to them, many of them had not yet abandoned the works of the flesh that were cultural to them. Many of them still told lies. Many of them were still violent. And many of them were still lazy and desiring nothing but to eat bread of idleness.

Therefore, Paul admonished Titus, their pastor, to rebuke them sharply, so that they will be sound in the faith. That is showing us that it is not everyone that is born again and committed to a church that can be taken to be sound in the faith. And if you are looking for someone to marry, you had better be sure that the person is sound in the faith and not just someone who is speaking in tongues and shouting ‘Hallelujah’ every now and then. Otherwise, you may end up with a Cretan brother or sister.

Now, though they are children of God indeed, Cretan brothers and sisters may not mind lying to you, abusing you physically or becoming parasites in your life. And that is because they are yet carnal. So, you have got to make your choice in this matter. You have got to choose whether it is a spiritual child of God you want to marry or carnal child of God. And once you make your choice, you will, of course, have to live with the consequences.

Mind you, it is already clear that you should not be in a love relationship with one that is not a Christian. So, don’t even go there at all. Don’t accidentally or mistakenly fall in love with one that is not a child of God. That will be falling in love outside the scope of the love of God. And it can be very disastrous. That is because it will expose you to temptations you are not meant to face in life.

Truly, the word of God says, “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” (1Cor 10:13NIV) But this is only applicable to those who are walking in the will of God. Those who step out of the will of God are bound to face temptations that are beyond what they are equipped by God to handle. And if they are not shown mercy or if they hesitate to ask for God’s mercy, they may end up being destroyed by those temptations.

Some people have become single parents now because they married against the counsel of the word of God. And some have lost their lives or become widows or widowers for the same reason. Then we have those who have been totally removed from the path of righteousness because their marriage was not founded on the ground of the word of God.

So, if you ignore the word of God that tells you not to marry outside the household of faith, you can expect wars in your life that you are not meant to fight. No, some of these wars may not start while you are still on the road to marriage. But you can be sure that your error will find you out, sooner or later.

Well, what have we been looking at? We have been looking at the will of God for us in love matters and the need for us to stand firmly on it, instead of allowing our emotions to control us.

Now, still on the same note, another thing that represents the will of God for you in love matters has to do with choosing someone that you can walk together in agreement. Here is what the word of God says about this: “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3NIV)

Is that clear to you? Well, you may say, “That is meant to be clear to everyone.” Unfortunately, everyday and all around the world, many make love decisions that are contrary to this very clear rule. In other words, people choose as their lovers individuals that they are not united in purpose.

See, what the Lord is speaking about here goes beyond saying to someone, “Yes, we can be lovers,” or “Yes, I will marry you.” That you say ‘Yes’ to a love life with someone does not mean that both of you are united in purpose enough to be able to have a love relationship that will not injure or destroy you both.

Often, people agree to treat love lives the way school treat students that they want to admit. Schools, especially higher institutions will admit anyone once they meet their minimum requirements. And that is how some students with 3 or 4 credit passes in WAEC or NECO end up becoming undergraduates in some schools in our country today.

But we all know that schools that admit such students only care about their money. They don’t care about their performance at all. That is because they can easily divorce them or send them away, if they underperform. And the sky will not fall down, if they should send them away in that manner.

However, in handling a love life, you cannot just be sending people out of your life as you please. There will be consequences, if you are doing that. And some of these consequences may be life-threatening. That, of course, is why you cannot be going for minimum requirements in love matters. Otherwise, be ready to choose a lover that will underperform in building your love life.

What is my point? Well, first, it is that choosing someone that is born again, one that is a true Christian, as your love partner is merely a minimum requirement in choosing the right partner. Also, choosing a Christian that is sound in the faith and bearing the fruit of the Spirit is also a minimum requirement in choosing the right love partner.

Now these minimum requirements that I just mentioned are important and must not be overlooked, if you don’t want eternal troubles for your love life or future home. But they are still the minimum requirements. Therefore, the fact that they are met in someone does not mean the person is a suitable love partner for you.

Yes, I know there are preachers that will tell you that all that is important in love matters is that the person you want to marry is a child of God, a true child of God that is bringing forth the fruit of the Spirit. But as we go through the Scriptures together on this matter, you will see that choosing a true child of God that is bringing forth the fruit of the Spirit is no guarantee that your love life will be sweet and fulfilling for you. If you and that child of God are not in agreement about those things that are major in both your lives, your love life with each other may be closer in experience to hell than heaven.

This, of course, is where we will continue from when we meet next week, if Jesus tarries. I thank you all for your time, patience and contributions and pray that these words that I have shared with you will live in your hearts to produce fruits that are in line with the will of God for you all. Amen. 

In our last hangout, we rounded off on the need for those starting fresh love relationships to settle down to learn the word of God about His will concerning love matters. This is so that they will not miss it again and be injured through whatever new love lives they are starting.

Now what is the will of God for you concerning your love life? You need to know it. Not only that, you also need to be determined to act according to what you know to be the will of God, as far as love matters are concerned. But before you begin to do anything at all, learn to pray to God about your life.

Let me give you again the Scripture I gave you in our last hangout. It says, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.” (Prov 18:22NIV) Did you see that? It takes God’s favour to find a true wife, not a problem, not a liability. And it takes God’s favour also to find a true husband, not a boss, not a monster.

How, then, do you obtain God’s favour in this manner? One main way to obtain it is by asking for it. The bible says, “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Heb 4:16NIV) Can you relate to that? We are told to come boldly to God’s throne of grace. Why? It is so that we may receive mercy and grace to help us in our time of need.

So, if you see yourself as in need of God’s mercy and favour in other to choose the right love partner, you should boldly approach Him for it. If you have suffered enough in the hands of men or women, as far as love matters are concerned, you may want to talk to God about showing you mercy and favour in choosing right. Otherwise, you may choose wrong again and then again. And that is exactly what is going to happen, if God’s favour and mercy are not at work in your life to lead you in choosing right.

Look at what is said about Esau and his wives:

“When Esau was forty years old, he married Judith daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and also Basemath daughter of Elon the Hittite. They were a source of grief to Isaac and Rebekah.” (Gen 26:34-35NIV)

How old was Esau when he had his first wife? Forty years old! Yet he did not get it right, for the account says that the behaviour of his wives was a source of constant grief to his father and mother. That must mean that after he married his first wife and realised that his parents could not cope with her mess, he decided to marry another one. But did that change the situation? No! It only makes things worse.

Then we are further told this about Esau:

“Now Esau learned that Isaac had blessed Jacob and had sent him to Paddan Aram to take a wife from there, and that when he blessed him he commanded him, "Do not marry a Canaanite woman," and that Jacob had obeyed his father and mother and had gone to Paddan Aram. Esau then realized how displeasing the Canaanite women were to his father Isaac; so he went to Ishmael and married Mahalath, the sister of Nebaioth and daughter of Ishmael son of Abraham, in addition to the wives he already had.” (Gen 28:6-9NIV)

Did you see that? Both Esau and Jacob were of the same parents and also of the same age. Yet they did not marry at the same time and from the same place. Why? The problem was with Esau. Even though he was the elder of the two men, he never bothered to take spiritual counsel from his parents and find out the right way for him to marry and the right place to go to get the right woman. Instead, he relied on his wits. And did his wits work for him in marrying right? No!

As I already pointed out to us, his first wife was a disaster. His second wife too was a calamity. Then when he realised that his brother had acted differently and listened to his parents by going to look for a wife among his mother’s relatives, he too decided to go for another woman from among his father’s relatives. He went to marry a daughter of Ishmael’s, his father’s brother.

But did he ask why his father told Jacob to go and marry from his mother’s side? No! He just assumed that the problem must be that he did not marry from among his relatives. But was it just any relative that he could marry? No!

Well, Esau’s matter is history now. And what is important are the lessons his marital life teaches us. And the first is that the fact that you marry late does not mean that you will marry right. Esau was forty when he had his first wife. Yet it was a miss.

In like manner, you may remain single for many years because you don’t want to choose the wrong love partner. But that is no guarantee that you will still not end up choosing the wrong love partner. If you don’t have the right information about how to choose right and are not being led by God Himself to the right person, you will still choose wrong, even if you wait to be as old as Methuselah before making up your mind.

Personally, I know some individuals who married late and yet married wrong. Sometimes, it is even the fact that some people are marrying late that they will marry wrong. I am referring to situations in which people think time is leaving them and, in their desperation to marry at all cost, they end up marrying some crooks. So, don’t think that you will surely get it right because you are not in a hurry to choose anyone as your love partner. If you do not know what you need to know in order to choose right, you may still end up missing it. Then your patience in waiting will end up meaning nothing.

The second lesson from Esau’s story is that if you fail to learn what made you miss it in a failed love relationship, you will most likely miss it again. Why have some people gone through like three or four marriages and are still counting? One main reason is their failure to learn the truth, God’s truth about making love decisions.

Such people probably did not start out with any intention of having more than a marriage or going polygamous. But when they realised that their first marriage was a mess, they decided to go for another one. And because they went for another, having learnt nothing about the will of God in making love decisions, that other marriage also collapsed.

Now as long as people like that will not settle down to learn the will of God about love matters, there is every tendency that even if they should have a hundred love lives, all of them will be a failure. Apart from the lust in his life, another reason Esau became polygamous was that he was trying to get it right and marry a woman that would not be a problem to him and his lovely family members. But did he get it right? No! Why? It was because he never really settled down to learn from his parents the right way to go about it.

Jacob, on the contrary, listened to his parents. He was not in a hurry to marry anybody, just because his twin brother already had two wives. And because he listened to his parents, he was able to marry women that God could use to fulfil His purpose for his life.

In the same vein, if you too will listen to God and commit everything about your love life into His hands, He will favour you and lead you into that love relationship through which His good purpose for your life will be fulfilled. But if you won’t listen to Him, if you think you, as many of the world today think, are smart enough to make your own love choices, then, things may end up for you as they ended up for Esau. I mean that you may find yourself going from one love relationship to another until you are tired. And even then, the person you may end up settling for may just be one that will take you farther away from God’s purpose for your life.

So, know that making the right love decision is not about how patient you are in choosing your love partner. Rather, it is about your experience of God’s favour and also your understanding of His will for your love in love matters.

What, then, is the will of God for you in love matters? First, it is that whoever you will settle for will be His child. Look at what the bible says about this: “A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.” (1Cor 7:39NIV)

What is the first thing to note in what Paul tells us here? It is that you can marry anyone whom you wish to marry. And can you see that God is not trying to keep you from marrying anyone your heart loves and desires? Unfortunately, many preachers of God’s word have not even realised this. That explains why they keep giving people the impression that God does not want them to marry those that they love and appreciate.

For them, if you want to marry in the will of God, you simply have to accept whoever God chooses for you, whether you consider the person suitable for you or not. So, if God chooses a man who already has a kid from a past immoral relationship for you, you don’t have a say in the matter. You just need to say, “Yes, Lord. I will obey.” Or if God chooses a woman who has a history as a prostitute for you, you have no right to say, “No, Lord. I cannot cope with the thought of the past of this woman.” All you just have to do is say, “Yes, Lord. I will obey.”

Sadly, this unbiblical approach to love matters has resulted in the destruction of many marriages. I knew a pastor who got married to a wrong woman all in the name of ‘Thus saith the Lord’. This man had lost his first wife, the love of his life, when the woman was having their second child. And because the kids were still very little at the time, he was encouraged by the church leadership to remarry, which was perfectly scriptural.

However, because most preachers at the time relied mostly on prophetic instructions, visions and dreams in choosing their wives or husbands, he ended up with a woman that almost ruined his life and ministry, based on what was obvious to those observing their marriage. So, he had to end the relationship and remarry again. And did he get it right this time around? No! From what I learnt from a source very close to them, he and the last wife simply endured each other till the man went home to be with the Lord.

I shared all that with you to let you know that God has no intention of imposing any man or woman on you. In fact, speaking about matters of marriage and celibacy, our Lord says, “It is what you can accept that you should accept.” In other words, don’t allow anyone to impose anything you don’t think you can handle on you. Otherwise, you only have yourself to blame. (Cf. Matt 19:3-12)

Well, Paul tells us in that bible text that we are free to marry anyone we want to marry. However, the person must be in the Lord. That is the only clause in the statement. And you will do well to pay attention to it.

Do you want to marry a tall and handsome man? That is fine. Go for him. But be sure he is a child of God indeed. Or do you want to marry a pretty and highly educated young lady? That is also cool. But be sure this girl is not just all pretty and educated but is also a true child of God. Or perhaps it is a foreigner, a white girl or guy, that you want to marry. That is nice. But be sure that this white person is a true child of God.

In short you can marry anyone you please, inasmuch as the person is a child of God. You may even go to your village to find your wife or husband. It is all good, as long as the person is a child of God.

But then, you need to also understand that it is not everyone that claims to be a child of God that is actually His child. Then it is not everyone that is a child of God that is living like a child of God. So, you also have to ask yourself, “Do I want to marry just any child of God or a child of God that is actually living like a child of God?”

Let us stop here for tonight. I pray that these few words will be used by God to lead and establish you in the right love path for you, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Thanks everyone for your patience, attention and contribution.  

In our most recent hangouts, I have been addressing those with failed love relationships on what to do before starting fresh love relationships. And to remind you, I said they must first ensure that they are healed of the injuries of those failed love relationships. Otherwise, the pains of those love relationships may end up hurting or destroying their new love relationships.

Second, I said that they must settle down to see what lessons to learn from those failed love relationships. And this must be done honestly. Otherwise, they will surely reap the fruit of whatever lie they tell themselves about those failed love relationships.

Now the third thing such people need in order not to experience more failed love relationships is to be determined to do things the right way, going forward. That way, they can look forward to experiencing God’s favour to get things right in whatever fresh love relationship they start.

As we see in the bible, Daniel enjoyed a lot of favour from God while he was in Babylon. He was so favour that he directly served at least three emperors of the land and also outlived them. But he came to that city as a boy slave. How, then, was he able to enjoy as much favour from God as he did? He was ablto to do so because he resolved right from the very beginning of his stay in Babylon to live his life to please God, even though he would most likely live the rest of his years among pagans. (Cf. Dan 1)

In like manner, if you want God’s favour to work for you in choosing the right love partner for yourself, you must first be determined that you will do things God’s way and not your way. Am I saying that everything is rested on your determination? No! Regardless of how determined you are to find a husband or a wife for yourself, if God does not favour you, your determination and effort can only prove fruitless.

There have been men and women who were utterly determined to stay pure and marry right. This even led some of them to marry late. Yet the people they ended up marrying were some crazy individuals that made life miserable for them. Why was that so? A number of things could have been responsible. But the fact remains that being determined to marry right is not sufficient; God’s favour must be at work in your life for your determination to produce for you a good love fruit.

The bible says, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.” (Prov 18:22NIV)
Think about that. It takes God’s favour for a man to find a wife. And we are talking about a wife here, as God expects, not a competitor or a liability.

In like manner, it takes God’s favour for a woman to find a husband, a true husband and not a competitor, a boss or a liability. And God’s favour is always abundant and available for His people. The bible says:

“Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Heb 4:16NIV)

Did you see that? We are told to confidently approach God’s throne of favour in our time of need. And what will happen when we do so? We will surely find favour and mercy in whatever form we need them.

The problem, however, is that God’s people hardly seek His favour, especially when it comes to love matters. Even when they seek it, they are most probably seeking it outside His will for their lives. And when you seek God’s favour outside His revealed will for your life, you will not find it.

What is my point? It is that while it is important that you are determined to get things right in choosing your love partner, it is equally important that you don’t put your confidence in your determination. Instead, put your confidence in God and in His ability to favour you by leading you in the right path and to the right person for you.

If you put your confidence in your determination to make the right love decisions, your determination is bound to fail you. Peter, as we see in the bible, was determined to live or die for Jesus. But when he was confronted with circumstances he never dreamt of, he denied the Lord three times in series. The man simply shocked himself. And if the Lord had not been merciful to him, his apostolic ministry would have ended before it started.

So, be determined that you are going to do things the right way before you go into another love relationship after the failed one. But also be concerned about receiving God’s favour in choosing right. If you are concerned about that, then, you will be able to give yourself to offering the right kinds of prayer about your love relationship. Your prayer will not just be about listing for God the qualities you want to see in the life of the person you want to marry; rather, it will also be about God showing you mercy and favour, so that you will not be misled or deceived.

See, there are many deceivers out there. And even in our various churches, there are many who have mastered the art of deceit. These ones know how to give you want you want, show you want you want to see and tell you what you want to hear. So, unless God’s mercy saves you from their traps, you will have entered it before you know what has befallen you. That is why asking for God’s favour and mercy in choosing the right love partner is something you cannot afford to joke or play with.

Look at Abraham’s servant, for instance. As we are shown in the bible, he was saddled with the responsibility of finding a good wife for Isaac. And what did he do when he set out? He prayed to God, the God of his master, Abraham, to grant him success in his journey. Did God answer him or not? He did. Read the account carefully in Genesis 24 and you will not fail to see that it was nothing but the favour of God that led the man to the right wife of Isaac.

Also, read about Ruth in the bible. When she was not even thinking about marriage at all, God led her to one of the fields of Boaz, the man she would later marry. And from the very first day that the man set his eyes on her, even though he had no thought at the time of marrying her, he just took a liken to her and began to favour her. So, when she eventually approached him to marry her, in accordance with the laws of the land, he did not hesitate at all to do the needful. (Cf. Ruth 2-4)

So, you don’t need to roam the streets of your town, city or village before you find the right wife or husband for you. No, you don’t need to search and search, as though you were looking for a needle in a haystack, before you find the love of your heart. All you need is to reach out for God’s favour. And you will be amazed at how simple finding the right love partner can be.

But then, even though God’s favour is able to simplify the process of finding the right love partner for you, if you are not acquainted with the will of God concerning love matters, you may not recognise the person at all. As we are shown in the Scriptures, even though our Lord Jesus was the Messiah that the Jews waited for centuries for, He still ended up dying by their hands. Why? They could not recognise Him.

Think about that. These people read and studied and taught the Scriptures that spoke about Jesus every Sabbath. Yet they could not recognise Him. So, they ended up killing their own author of life. What a shame! (Cf. John 5:39-40; Acts 13:27)

In like manner, the love partner you are seeking may just be right in front of your nose. In other words, God’s favour has brought the person as close as to you as the air you breathe. Yet you may not recognise them, if you do not know the will of God about love matters and how to give them personal application.

You can now see why even though you need God’s favour to make the right love decisions, you also need to be determined to do things the right way about your love life. But how can you be determined to do things the right way in your love life, when you don’t even know the right way to go about things? It is not possible.

So, you have to give yourself to learning the right way to go about your love relationship from God before you take any step to starting another love relationship after the failed one. And don’t assume that you know the right way to go about things. There can’t be assumptions here. You need to truly settle down with the word of God to see if what you call the right way about love matters is actually the right way to go about it.

The Lord Jesus says this to us: “See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness.” Luke 11:35NIV) Do you know what that means? Well, it means don’t assume that the light you are walking with is truly light and not darkness. No, don’t assume that what you think is right is actually right. Instead, be certain that you are walking with the true light. Otherwise, you may surprisingly find yourself in an empty dark hole while, all along, you think you are going into a mansion.

So, ask yourself, “Do I really know the will of God about love matters?” Also, ask yourself, “Did I start and run my last love relationship according to the will of God about love matters?”

To say the fact, it is possible to start and run a love relationship according to the will of God and still see it fail. And where that is the case, you don’t have to blame yourself. You just need to go back to God and ask Him for the way forward.

Saul was God’s choice, as we are shown in the bible. Yet he failed God. He so failed God that God Himself said that He regretted choosing him as king. But Samuel was not going to let go. He was not going to let go because he was the one that God used in anointing Saul. And what did God tell him about this? Here is it:

“How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him as king over Israel? Fill your horn with oil and be on your way; I am sending you to Jesse of Bethlehem. I have chosen one of his sons to be king." (1Sam 16:1NIV)

Did you see that? Though Samuel was utterly sad about how Saul turned out. But it was not his fault that the man turned out terrible. And God wanted him to accept the fact that it was not his fault. So, He told him to stop mourning for the man and go and anoint someone else that He had chosen as His king.

In the same vein, if you have done the will of God in handling your love relationship and it still failed, God will not expect you to use the rest of your life to mourn over it. Instead, He will want you to move on with your life. He will want you to listen to Him, so that He can guide you into what is best for you.

However, you have to be sure that you did really did not miss it in the first place. You have to be sure that you actually handled that failed love life according to the will of God. Otherwise, you need to settle down and begin to learn from the word of God what His will is concerning love matters.

This is where I will like us to end things this evening. I pray that God will use the few things I have shared with you to perfect your life and love life, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Thank you everyone and stay immeasurably blessed. 

Recently, we began to look at what those who have had failed love relationships need to do before starting fresh love relationships. And what do they need to do? First, they need to be sure that they are totally healed of the injuries of those failed love lives before starting a fresh one. Otherwise, any fresh love relationship they start will always operate under the shadow of the failed ones. And that may be the very thing that will destroy that fresh love relationship as well or that will make it nothing but a thorn in their flesh.

The second thing they need to do is to settle down to see what went wrong with their failed love relationships and what lessons they can pick from it. And as I pointed out in our last hangout, if what we are saying right now is applicable to you, you need to be sincere with yourself about these things. First, you need to be sincere about your healing. In other words, you need to be sure that God has indeed healed you of the injuries of your failed love relationship or relationships. Otherwise, you can only have yourself to blame for deceiving yourself.

Also, you need to be true to yourself about the reason or reasons that love life failed. Forget about the reasons you gave to others for its failure. Also, you may not want to take too seriously the reasons your ex-lover gave you for calling it a quit. What is your own assessment of that failed love relationship? What are you own deductions about it? Those are the things that will open your eyes to see the lessons for you from the relationship.

The bible says, “But if we judged ourselves, we would not come under judgment.” (1Cor 11:31NIV) Did you see that? God expects us to take responsibility for judging ourselves in life. He does not want us to wait until He judges us in this world for our actions or until we stand before His throne of judgment before we examine and judge ourselves. Of course, we cannot adequately judge ourselves in this life, for we do not have enough light to do so. But if we will settle down with His word and examine our lives with it, we will be able to judge our lives to some extent and set ourselves right.

If we will not judge ourselves, however, and correct ourselves where necessary, God, at some point, will have to do the needful. He will have to judge us Himself and allow us to face the consequences of our actions or inactions. And those consequences may not be pleasant at all.

What is my point? It is that if, all along, you had been examining your love life in the light of the word of God, judging it to see if it is going according to the will of God, you would have been able to tell where it would most likely end. So, even if it crashed, you would not be surprised. And if you were not surprised that it crashed, you would not feel too much pain about it.

The reason that failed love relationship pained you as it did, then, was that you were probably surprised that it crashed. And you were surprised that it crashed because you were not examining and judging it all along. If you had been examining and judging it, you would have been able to tell that it was going to crash before it crashed. So, the surprise and pains that came as a result of the crash were the price you had to pay for failing to judging it. And remember these words again: if we judged ourselves, we would not be judged.

Well, that is already history. What you do, going forward, is what counts most. And one of the things you should do, as I have been saying, is to judge that failed love relationship as honestly as you can. That is what will help you learn from it and avoid a recurrence of the things you did that resulted in its failure.

I already shared some things with you as part of the reasons a love relationship could fail. And those reasons are associated with love relationships that should not even have started at all. But there are some things that can make a love relationship fail that you may not know until that relationship starts, unless you are given some divine revelations about it or unless you get warnings from observers.

For instance, you may not know that a lover is going to be physically or mentally or even spiritually abusive, unless you receive a divine revelation about it or unless someone who knows the person well is kind enough to tell you. And you may not know that a lover will be selfish or stingy or unfaithful unless you are told by someone who knows them well or by divine revelations.

To say the fact, there is a wide range of things you may not be able to tell about a lover until you start a love relationship with them. That is why if you have any doubt about starting a love relationship with someone, however, tiny that doubt may be, you may want to pause and take your time to pray more, observe more and ask questions more before you say ‘Yes’ to the person’s love proposal or before you propose love to the person. Otherwise, you doubts may someday just become the realities about the person.

At any rate, it is still the same point I am communicating to you, which is that you must be able to tell exactly why that love relationship failed. Was it because the person was cruel, stingy, selfish or unfaithful to you? Or were you the problem of the relationship? Were you the cruel, stingy, selfish or unfaithful party in the relationship? Whatever the case may be, be truthful to yourself about.

Then, sometimes, it may not be anything sinful that is responsible for the failure of a love relationship. it may just be an assumption or a poor estimation of people’s ability to handle the circumstances of a lover’s life that will lead to the death of that relationship.

For instance, there is nothing sinful in going into a love relationship with someone that is far more educated than you or that is far less educated than you, as long as the person is a true child of God. But can you really deal with consequences of that?

Now let me apologise in advance to any who may be offended by the example I want to give you here. I do not intend to use it to put down or disrespect anyone. But I cannot at the moment come up with something better that almost everyone can easily relate to.

Well, I am sure you still remember the wife of the former president, his excellency Goodluck Ebele Jonathan. I am talking about Mrs Patience Jonathan. Now Mrs Jonathan has an unusual reputation for being a murderer of the English language. Yet she is married to a Ph.D. and former president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. Isn’t that admirable?

But then, the question is, “How was the husband able to cope with all the jabs being thrown at her for severally murdering the English language during their six-year of leading the nation?” I would not know. But we all know that he did not divorce her because of that. He did not replace her because of that. And he never for once fought anyone for make a mockery of his wife for not being good with the English language. He just treated everything as if it were nothing.

Now it is possible that those things were really nothing to President Goodluck Jonathan. And if they were nothing to him, it would mean that he counted the cost of marrying a woman that he was far more educated than before he married her. Could he have thought that he was going to be president of Nigeria at the time? No! His own testimonies have shown that he had no such dreams or ideas. But he became president anyway and also had to bring in with him as his first lady, the woman he had always been married to, in spite of her academic disadvantages. That is highly commendable, or what do you think?

I said his case highly commendable because we have had some other leaders of government in this country that replaced their wives with more educated and elegant women when they came into office. Why? They were ashamed of presenting those women as their first ladies because of their academic disadvantages. Yet some of them would probably not have amount to anything in life, if not for God and those women that they ended up treating shamefully.

Of course, it is not only women that can be victims of such things. Men can also be victims of them. In fact, some men have been victims of them. I am talking about men who paid through their nostrils to get some women educated, only for those women to finish schooling and then abandon them for not being modern enough for them.

Who do you blame for such things? Both parties! Why? Should such men not be exonerated? No! Are you, then, saying that they were wrong to have sponsored those women in school? No, they were not wrong to have sponsored them in school. But they were wrong not to have counted the cost before doing so.

Jacob spent seven years of his active life working to have a woman, Rachel. But did he count his cost of that journey well before embarking on it? No! Did this patriarch consider the possibilities of change in his own taste or the taste of Rachel during those seven years? No! And did consider the prevailing marriage culture of the clan of the woman before foolishly saying that he would work for seven years to pay her pride price? No!

At any rate, seven years after working hard and patiently waiting to marry Rachel, he was given another woman, Rachel’s elder sister. And because he had already been tricked to consummate his marriage with this woman, he had only two options. The one was to stick with the wrong woman. The other was to become polygamous, that is, marry the wrong woman as well as the love of his heart. And he painfully chose the second option. (Cf. Gen 29)

Why did I share that with you? It is to let you keep in mind the fact that time can expose people to things that will change them radically or rapidly. So, before engaging in a love relationship that may take years before both of you involved will be ready, you need to count your cost carefully. Yes, you need to tell yourself the truth about what time can do to any of you or both of you. That way, you will not lose your mind, if you start the relationship and it crashes at some point because of change in the taste or purpose of any or both of you.

There are men, for instance, that love to go for quite younger ladies because they think they will be able to nurture and bring them up to their own taste. And such men often foolishly assume that these younger ladies will never grow up – they will simply remain babies that need spoon-feeding. But however young a lady may be today, she will grow up. She will not remain that girl that you will be sending or errands or that you will be issuing commands to on what to do and what not to do.

Now when that girl that you think you are nurturing grows up and begins to place some serious worth on herself, will she still want you? Will she still want to be taking orders from you the way she has been doing? Will she still adore you and see you as her prince? That is hard to say. But she may continue to see you in that manner, if you too know when to stop treating her like a little child, if you too know when to make her feel that you have full confidence in her.

Unfortunately, that is hardly the case in such instances. Often, the case is that men that have been nurturing younger ladies in that manner never stop seeing them as ignorant babies or kids. And because of that, at some point, they will start meeting with resistance from those ladies, which they will view as pride instead of maturity. That, of course, may be the point at which the relationships will end. Then such men will go about and start speaking about how ungrateful those ladies have been.

But who is to blame for that? For the most part, those men are to blame. Why? They were the more mature minds when those relationships started. So, the success or failure of the relationships largely depended on them.

Well, if what I just shared now is the explanation for your failed love relationship, you need to be truthful to yourself about it. Admit the fact that that love relationship failed because you got someone too young to make sound love decisions into a love relationship with you. Or admit the fact that you were not mature enough to make sound love decisions when you started that failed love relationship. Doing this, of course, will help you understand the impact that maturity and age gap can have on love relationships and apply this in handling your future love life.

Now, as I said before, the range of things that make love relationships fail is very wide. So, I cannot possibly touch everything. But I have decided to press the matter on with you because I want you to make a deliberate and serious effort to learn from your past mistakes before you move on into starting a fresh relationship, if you just suffered a failed one. And even if you have already started a fresh one, it is still not too late for you to settle down to learn from what went wrong in your past love affairs. Otherwise, if the same thing is already repeating itself in your current relationship, you may not even know at all. Then, like that failed one, this too may fail and injure you even more severely.

I pray for everyone on the platform hurting at the moment because of their failed love lives that God will touch you and heal you completely. I pray that He will break the hold of bitterness and fear over your life and cause the peace and freedom of His Spirit to begin to rule over your heart. And these things shall be so, for I have asked in Jesus’ name.

Thanks everyone for your time, patience and contributions. See you next week, if Jesus tarries. 

Recently, we began to look at what those who have had failed love relationships need to do before starting fresh love relationships. And what do they need to do? First, they need to be sure that they are totally healed of the injuries of those failed love lives before starting a fresh one. Otherwise, any fresh love relationship they start will always operate under the shadow of the failed ones. And that may be the very thing that will destroy that fresh love relationship as well or that will make it nothing but a thorn in their flesh.

The second thing they need to do is to settle down to see what went wrong with their failed love relationships and what lessons they can pick from it. And as I pointed out in our last hangout, if what we are saying right now is applicable to you, you need to be sincere with yourself about these things. First, you need to be sincere about your healing. In other words, you need to be sure that God has indeed healed you of the injuries of your failed love relationship or relationships. Otherwise, you can only have yourself to blame for deceiving yourself.

Also, you need to be true to yourself about the reason or reasons that love life failed. Forget about the reasons you gave to others for its failure. Also, you may not want to take too seriously the reasons your ex-lover gave you for calling it a quit. What is your own assessment of that failed love relationship? What are you own deductions about it? Those are the things that will open your eyes to see the lessons for you from the relationship.

The bible says, “But if we judged ourselves, we would not come under judgment.” (1Cor 11:31NIV) Did you see that? God expects us to take responsibility for judging ourselves in life. He does not want us to wait until He judges us in this world for our actions or until we stand before His throne of judgment before we examine and judge ourselves. Of course, we cannot adequately judge ourselves in this life, for we do not have enough light to do so. But if we will settle down with His word and examine our lives with it, we will be able to judge our lives to some extent and set ourselves right.

If we will not judge ourselves, however, and correct ourselves where necessary, God, at some point, will have to do the needful. He will have to judge us Himself and allow us to face the consequences of our actions or inactions. And those consequences may not be pleasant at all.

What is my point? It is that if, all along, you had been examining your love life in the light of the word of God, judging it to see if it is going according to the will of God, you would have been able to tell where it would most likely end. So, even if it crashed, you would not be surprised. And if you were not surprised that it crashed, you would not feel too much pain about it.

The reason that failed love relationship pained you as it did, then, was that you were probably surprised that it crashed. And you were surprised that it crashed because you were not examining and judging it all along. If you had been examining and judging it, you would have been able to tell that it was going to crash before it crashed. So, the surprise and pains that came as a result of the crash were the price you had to pay for failing to judging it. And remember these words again: if we judged ourselves, we would not be judged.

Well, that is already history. What you do, going forward, is what counts most. And one of the things you should do, as I have been saying, is to judge that failed love relationship as honestly as you can. That is what will help you learn from it and avoid a recurrence of the things you did that resulted in its failure.

I already shared some things with you as part of the reasons a love relationship could fail. And those reasons are associated with love relationships that should not even have started at all. But there are some things that can make a love relationship fail that you may not know until that relationship starts, unless you are given some divine revelations about it or unless you get warnings from observers.

For instance, you may not know that a lover is going to be physically or mentally or even spiritually abusive, unless you receive a divine revelation about it or unless someone who knows the person well is kind enough to tell you. And you may not know that a lover will be selfish or stingy or unfaithful unless you are told by someone who knows them well or by divine revelations.

To say the fact, there is a wide range of things you may not be able to tell about a lover until you start a love relationship with them. That is why if you have any doubt about starting a love relationship with someone, however, tiny that doubt may be, you may want to pause and take your time to pray more, observe more and ask questions more before you say ‘Yes’ to the person’s love proposal or before you propose love to the person. Otherwise, you doubts may someday just become the realities about the person.

At any rate, it is still the same point I am communicating to you, which is that you must be able to tell exactly why that love relationship failed. Was it because the person was cruel, stingy, selfish or unfaithful to you? Or were you the problem of the relationship? Were you the cruel, stingy, selfish or unfaithful party in the relationship? Whatever the case may be, be truthful to yourself about.

Then, sometimes, it may not be anything sinful that is responsible for the failure of a love relationship. it may just be an assumption or a poor estimation of people’s ability to handle the circumstances of a lover’s life that will lead to the death of that relationship.

For instance, there is nothing sinful in going into a love relationship with someone that is far more educated than you or that is far less educated than you, as long as the person is a true child of God. But can you really deal with consequences of that?

Now let me apologise in advance to any who may be offended by the example I want to give you here. I do not intend to use it to put down or disrespect anyone. But I cannot at the moment come up with something better that almost everyone can easily relate to.

Well, I am sure you still remember the wife of the former president, his excellency Goodluck Ebele Jonathan. I am talking about Mrs Patience Jonathan. Now Mrs Jonathan has an unusual reputation for being a murderer of the English language. Yet she is married to a Ph.D. and former president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. Isn’t that admirable?

But then, the question is, “How was the husband able to cope with all the jabs being thrown at her for severally murdering the English language during their six-year of leading the nation?” I would not know. But we all know that he did not divorce her because of that. He did not replace her because of that. And he never for once fought anyone for make a mockery of his wife for not being good with the English language. He just treated everything as if it were nothing.

Now it is possible that those things were really nothing to President Goodluck Jonathan. And if they were nothing to him, it would mean that he counted the cost of marrying a woman that he was far more educated than before he married her. Could he have thought that he was going to be president of Nigeria at the time? No! His own testimonies have shown that he had no such dreams or ideas. But he became president anyway and also had to bring in with him as his first lady, the woman he had always been married to, in spite of her academic disadvantages. That is highly commendable, or what do you think?

I said his case highly commendable because we have had some other leaders of government in this country that replaced their wives with more educated and elegant women when they came into office. Why? They were ashamed of presenting those women as their first ladies because of their academic disadvantages. Yet some of them would probably not have amount to anything in life, if not for God and those women that they ended up treating shamefully.

Of course, it is not only women that can be victims of such things. Men can also be victims of them. In fact, some men have been victims of them. I am talking about men who paid through their nostrils to get some women educated, only for those women to finish schooling and then abandon them for not being modern enough for them.

Who do you blame for such things? Both parties! Why? Should such men not be exonerated? No! Are you, then, saying that they were wrong to have sponsored those women in school? No, they were not wrong to have sponsored them in school. But they were wrong not to have counted the cost before doing so.

Jacob spent seven years of his active life working to have a woman, Rachel. But did he count his cost of that journey well before embarking on it? No! Did this patriarch consider the possibilities of change in his own taste or the taste of Rachel during those seven years? No! And did consider the prevailing marriage culture of the clan of the woman before foolishly saying that he would work for seven years to pay her pride price? No!

At any rate, seven years after working hard and patiently waiting to marry Rachel, he was given another woman, Rachel’s elder sister. And because he had already been tricked to consummate his marriage with this woman, he had only two options. The one was to stick with the wrong woman. The other was to become polygamous, that is, marry the wrong woman as well as the love of his heart. And he painfully chose the second option. (Cf. Gen 29)

Why did I share that with you? It is to let you keep in mind the fact that time can expose people to things that will change them radically or rapidly. So, before engaging in a love relationship that may take years before both of you involved will be ready, you need to count your cost carefully. Yes, you need to tell yourself the truth about what time can do to any of you or both of you. That way, you will not lose your mind, if you start the relationship and it crashes at some point because of change in the taste or purpose of any or both of you.

There are men, for instance, that love to go for quite younger ladies because they think they will be able to nurture and bring them up to their own taste. And such men often foolishly assume that these younger ladies will never grow up – they will simply remain babies that need spoon-feeding. But however young a lady may be today, she will grow up. She will not remain that girl that you will be sending or errands or that you will be issuing commands to on what to do and what not to do.

Now when that girl that you think you are nurturing grows up and begins to place some serious worth on herself, will she still want you? Will she still want to be taking orders from you the way she has been doing? Will she still adore you and see you as her prince? That is hard to say. But she may continue to see you in that manner, if you too know when to stop treating her like a little child, if you too know when to make her feel that you have full confidence in her.

Unfortunately, that is hardly the case in such instances. Often, the case is that men that have been nurturing younger ladies in that manner never stop seeing them as ignorant babies or kids. And because of that, at some point, they will start meeting with resistance from those ladies, which they will view as pride instead of maturity. That, of course, may be the point at which the relationships will end. Then such men will go about and start speaking about how ungrateful those ladies have been.

But who is to blame for that? For the most part, those men are to blame. Why? They were the more mature minds when those relationships started. So, the success or failure of the relationships largely depended on them.

Well, if what I just shared now is the explanation for your failed love relationship, you need to be truthful to yourself about it. Admit the fact that that love relationship failed because you got someone too young to make sound love decisions into a love relationship with you. Or admit the fact that you were not mature enough to make sound love decisions when you started that failed love relationship. Doing this, of course, will help you understand the impact that maturity and age gap can have on love relationships and apply this in handling your future love life.

Now, as I said before, the range of things that make love relationships fail is very wide. So, I cannot possibly touch everything. But I have decided to press the matter on with you because I want you to make a deliberate and serious effort to learn from your past mistakes before you move on into starting a fresh relationship, if you just suffered a failed one. And even if you have already started a fresh one, it is still not too late for you to settle down to learn from what went wrong in your past love affairs. Otherwise, if the same thing is already repeating itself in your current relationship, you may not even know at all. Then, like that failed one, this too may fail and injure you even more severely.

I pray for everyone on the platform hurting at the moment because of their failed love lives that God will touch you and heal you completely. I pray that He will break the hold of bitterness and fear over your life and cause the peace and freedom of His Spirit to begin to rule over your heart. And these things shall be so, for I have asked in Jesus’ name.

Thanks everyone for your time, patience and contributions. See you next week, if Jesus tarries. 

In our last hangout, we began to look at the need for those who have experienced broken love relationships to learn from those relationships before start fresh love relationships. Otherwise, there is no guarantee that they will not have similar problems in whatever fresh love relationships they start.

So, if you have suffered a broken love relationship, apart from the fact that you need to be healed of the injuries of that relationship, you also need to learn from that relationship. You need to be able to ascertain what went wrong with that relationship and why it went wrong. Nobody will do this for you, if you will not do it for yourself. So, settle down to ask yourself relevant questions about that failed love relationship and be sure you get the right answers.

Unfortunately, people often don’t want to face the truth about their failed love lives. They often don’t want to tell themselves the truth about them. That, of course, is why many allowed very toxic love relationships to end in marriages. And having married, they realised that there was no way they could cope with the degree of toxicity in those marriages. So, with deep pains in their hearts, they had to end those marriages. Some did not even get any chance to end such marriages before their lives were utterly ruined by them.

So, you have done the right thing by allowing a toxic love relationship or a love relationship that has a potential to ruin your love or home in the future to end. But that is not enough. Have you learnt your lessons from that failed love life?

In the first place, should that love relationship have happened at all? Many today are in love relationships that should not be existing. Why? It is either they do not know what the word of God teaches about the right love relationships or they have just chosen to do things their own way.

For instance, if your failed love relationship was with an unbeliever, you were wrong. That love relationship should not have happened in the first place. That is because the word of God says:

“A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.” (1Cor 7:39-40NIV)

Now this instruction is not for widows or widowers alone; it is for every child of God that wishes to get married someday. You are free to marry anyone you want. Did you see that? You are free to marry anybody you want to marry, regardless of the person’s age, profession, language or culture. However, whoever you want to marry must belong to the Lord. That is the only restriction.

So, if the person you were involved with in that failed love relationship is not a child of God, you were wrong in the first place to have that love relationship. And that was most likely the reason the relationship failed. Therefore, going forward, you need to be certain that you don’t allow yourself to accidentally or deliberately fall in love with an unbeliever. Otherwise, you may end up having your heart broken again.

Also, the word of God shows us that it is wrong to have a love relationship with one who calls himself a child of God but who is not living accordingly. For instance, Paul says this to us:

“But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.” (1Cor 5:11NIV)

Did you see that? It is not everyone that refers to himself as a child of God that you can accept as such. There are many who call themselves children of God who are sexually immoral, greedy, idolatrous, drunkards or swindlers. Recently, I was told of a church elder who, when commenting on a sermon in a morning devotion of his organisation, said that instead for men to be disturbing their wives all the time for sex, they should go for prostitutes to relieve themselves.

Are you surprised to hear that? Well, don’t be. That is because there are even many so-called pastors that are worse than that man. A friend once told me that her church pastor told her that part of her spiritual duty to him was to be having sex with him. Would you, then, call such a pastor a true believer or child of God? No!

In addition, today, we have many swindlers in many assemblies of God’s people. I mean that we have many 419 and Yahoo boys and girls in many of our churches. To make matters worse, most of her preachers no longer condemn the activities of such people. Why? They are benefiting from their ill-gotten money.

Now the word of God is very clear about how we are to relate to such individuals. His word tells us not to associate with them. In fact, His word tells us not to eat with them. And if God does not permit us to eat with individuals who call themselves Christians but who are involved in money rituals, swindling or sexual immorality, do you think He will want us to marry them? No!

And don’t miss my point here. The bible is not referring to the world of unbelievers here. The bible is not saying that we should not associate with any unbeliever around us or in our family. That is impossible, unless we want to leave this world for them. The people the bible is saying that we should not associate with are those who call themselves Christians, who attend church meetings, who speak in tongues, who own personal bibles or who serve as leaders in the church and who are still flagrantly living in sin. (Cf. 1Cor 5:9-10)

So, if the person you ended your love life with is one of such people, you need to deal with the fact that a love relationship should not have happened between the two of you in the first place. And how do you avoid a similar future occurrence, it is by accepting the truth that God is communicating to you about dealing with false believers. In other words, don’t settle down in a love relationship with anyone whose life is not right with God, even if the person is a church leader.

Unfortunately, a lot of times, God’s people ignore this truth to their own pains. Why? They are carried away by glamour and swag. I am not against glamour. The word of God is not against glamour. But people often use glamour to cover up the wickedness in their lives. So, while nothing is wrong with wanting to have a lover that is always looking smart and neatly dressed and that also speaks well, you must understand that good looks and eloquence are not synonymous to godliness.

That being the case, be determined that you will never allow anybody’s good looks, swag or eloquence to carry you away again. Instead, you will always focus more on what the bible refers to as the hidden man of the heart in anybody you are dealing with. That way, you will not be fooled again into starting a love relationship that should not be happening.

Then, sometimes, what we are dealing with may not be the case of a false believer. Rather, it may be the case of faith conflicts. I am talking about a situation in which you and the person you are dealing with are of conflicting Christian faith backgrounds. Yes, you both are children of God and are passionate about Him. But there are certain areas of the Christian faith that your beliefs and practices are different. And however few those areas may be, your conflicts of faith in them can make your love life a disaster.

For example, the use of jewelleries, especially by women, has been a matter of conflict in the church for centuries. Yet young people with contrary beliefs on this matter have not stopped falling in love with one another. Why? They assume that their love is stronger than whatever they believe on the matter.

Now truly, people’s love could be so strong that they will give up their beliefs for each other. But that rarely happens. People rarely abandon their beliefs for love. They may ignore their beliefs temporarily because of love. But people hardly abandon their beliefs permanently because of love.

That explains why a man may not quarrel with his love partner about her use of jewelleries while they are still on the road to marriage. But few weeks or months or years into their marriage, he may begin to raise issues about the matter. And where his wife is not willing to drop her own beliefs about the use of these things, problems may ensue in their home.

But then, some people may not wait until they get married before raising their concerns about their conflicting faith beliefs or practices. And that is better. However, why did they start a love relationship with someone that they do not share the same Christian beliefs and practices in the first place?

Or let me say why did you start a love relationship with someone you don’t share the same Christian beliefs and practices in the first place? This person is raised to believe that all women who use earrings or wear trousers have special apartments in hell but you have not been raised to believe that. And the two of you say that you are in love and are going to marry each other, for better or for worse. What makes you think you will not have issues because of this matter at some point, whether before you get married or after your marriage?

See, the fact that you are in a love relationship with someone does not mean that you will never again have someone else to compare or contrast the person with. There will always be someone to compare or contrast your love partner with wherever you go in this world. So, if your heart has not fully embraced them and also fully determined to marry them, regardless of their flaws, weaknesses or differences, you may find yourself leaving them for someone else you consider to be better someday.

For instance, you can be overlooking the fact that your lover does not use make-up or wear jewelleries because you have not seen another godly woman who is probably smarter or more beautiful than her as a friend. But the moment you have as a friend someone like that, you may unconsciously begin to change your attitude towards her. I mean that it may just dawn on you at that hour that she is not the kind of woman who want in your life. Then, instead of telling her the truth, you may just come up with some flimsy excuses for wanting to end your love life.

Now only God knows how many love relationships have crashed because things like this and other similar ones. People will hide the real reasons for ending their love relationships because they know that everybody will ask, “Did you not know this before you started?” But the fact that you hid your real reasons for ending your love relationship will not change those reasons. Those reasons will remain there forever before you and before God. And if you make the mistake of telling yourself the same lies you have been telling others about the real reasons for ending that love relationship, you will most likely suffer the same failure in any other future love life you go for.

What is my point? It is that if it was Christian faith conflicts that ruined your last love life, you need to tell yourself the truth about it. Now, of course, it is possible that you are not even aware that the reason your love partner left you was your contradictory Christian beliefs and practices. And that would be because you were not paying enough attention to that relationship.

See, let me say this to you: if you are in any love relationship, you need to pay a close attention to what is going on in it. I am not talking about unduly monitoring your lover or unduly interfering with their affairs. Rather, I am talking about paying attention to how your relationship is going and not assuming anything.

I once told you of a brother that the sister he was in a love relationship with suddenly gave him an invitation to her wedding to another man. Of course, it came as a huge surprise to him and his people. And I would have given it to the lady, if her own family members too had not known all along that she was going to marry someone else. But they knew. The brother happened to be the only one that did not know. Why? He was not paying enough attention to his love relationship with the sister.

And if you too are not paying enough attention to your love life, you may not know those things that you are doing or not doing that are irritating your lover and that may drive them away from you someday. So, if they should decide to leave you, you may never know the exact reason they are leaving you, if they will not tell you. And even if you ask them, they may not be truthful about it, as you too may not be truthful about the reason you are leaving them, if the reverse were the case.

Well, if your love life with someone is over, then, it is over. So, let it be. But can you tell exactly why it is over between the two of you? You may be able to tell, if you initiated the break. But if you did not initiate the break, can you still tell what it was broken? If you could not tell, did you ask your lover why they were leaving you? Did they answer you, when you did? If they did answer you, were you satisfied with their reason or reasons?

Your answers to those questions I raised will go a long way in telling whether you will learn anything from that failed love relationship or not. And this is where we will stop for now. I pray that God will comfort and heal everyone on the platform that is still hurting because of their failed love relationship and open their eyes to see the lessons to pick from that relationship. Amen.

Thanks for your time, attention and responses. 

We have been looking at the need for those who have had failed love relationships to get totally healed by God before starting fresh love relationships. Otherwise, those fresh love relationships may end being ruined because of the injuries of their old love relationships.

Now apart from that, there is another important thing that everyone who has been through a failed love life needs to pay attention before starting a fresh one. And that has to do with the lessons learnt. What lessons did you learn from your failed love relationship or relationships? Or did you not learn anything at all?

As we see in the bible, God wants us to learn through the things happening around us and to us. Of course, there is a better way to learn in life. And that is through divine revelations. When you learn through divine revelations, then, you won’t have to learn through observation or experience. So, always desire and pray for divine revelations about every matter of life. Having them will save you a lot of trouble in life.

But then, we all know that it is not everything that God will bring to us through divine revelations. That is why we are surrounded with all kinds of opportunities to study and learn. And where we fail to take advantage of these opportunities to study and learn, we may have to learn from our own experience, which, of course, may not be pleasant.

For instance, when Daniel was giving God’s verdict to King Belshazzar, he said this to him: “But you his son, O Belshazzar, have not humbled yourself, though you knew all this.” (Dan 5:22NIV) What did Belshazzar know and refused to learn from? What happened to King Nebuchadnezzar!

As we see in the bible, there was a time during his reign that Nebuchadnezzar became mad and lived among animals and birds for some time. Why? It was because his heart was lifted up against God. But God later showed him mercy and restored him, when he acknowledged Him as sovereign over all. (Cf. Dan 4)

Now these things did not happen in secret. I mean that what Nebuchadnezzar experienced because of his pride was something that everyone in his palace, including Belshazzar knew about. But what lessons did they learn from it? What lessons did Belshazzar learn from it? Evidently, he learnt nothing from what happened to the man. So, when he became king, he also went ahead and acted in pride against God, something that brought swift judgment on his life and reign.

Well, the point I am making is that God expects us to learn from what is happening around us, so that we can avoid the mistakes of others in our lives. But even if we will not learn from what is happening around us, at least we should be able to learn from what is happening in our own lives. If we are too dull to learn from the mistakes of others, should we also be too dull to learn from our own mistakes?

You have had a failed love life, granted. And it is utterly over between of you. But have you asked yourself why that relationship actually failed? You don’t have to lie to yourself about this, if you have been lying to others about it. You know that there are times that we may be economical with the truth to others about our love lives. That may be because we don’t want them to see us as stupid or because we don’t want them to insult our lovers.

For instance, we are told in the bible that when Joseph found out that Mary, the woman that he was meant to marry, had become pregnant for some unknown spirit, he planned to secretly divorce her. Why? Well, the bible says that it was because he was a righteous man. In other words, he was a god-fearing man. And as a god-fearing man, he was not just concerned about the pains he was feeling as a result of the woman’s betrayal but also concerned about the shame and disgrace her pregnancy would bring upon her and her family. In fact, he may also be looking at some of the insults he too may receive from family members, friends, neighbours and others because of the matter. So, he wanted to end their affairs secretly. And he would have done so, if God had not stepped into the situation. (Cf. Matt 1:18-24)

But what if the story did not go the way it went in the bible? What if it was actually another man that impregnated Mary? If that was the case, then, Joseph would have gone ahead and secretly divorced her. And when people asked him about Mary, he would simply have given them some excuse about why they could not marry each other. But would that excuse be the real reason they broke up? No! The real reason they broke up would be that the woman was unfaithful to him.

Now the question he would need to deal with in his own heart would be, “Why was Mary unfaithful to me?” Did I not take care of her well? Was I too far from her? Or is she just a promiscuous person that cannot control herself? Those are some of the questions he would need to deal with in his own heart and get the right answers for. Otherwise, there may not be any assurance that he would not experience a similar thing with any other woman that he may go for.

Let me draw your attention to two instances in the bible that may help your understanding of this matter. The first is the case of Potiphar’s wife. Based on centuries of preaching on her case of infidelity and lies against Joseph, it is so easy for any of us to demonise her as a loose and useless woman. But we don’t usually ask ourselves, “Why was she like that? What put her in that condition where she was daily pursuing a young man like Joseph, a young man that most likely grew up before her from his teenage years?” (Cf. Gen 39)

Could it be that Potiphar himself had no time for this woman? Or could it be that it was the fact that she was jobless that made her have time for such nonsense? Well, we have no opportunity to know what became of this woman after Joseph had been sent into the prison. But if Potiphar did not deal with those questions I raised and get the right answers for them, there was nothing to guarantee that the woman did not do the same thing with another slave in that house afterwards.

What about Bathsheba? Why was a beautiful woman like her taking her bath where there wasn’t enough protection for her body? At least, she was living in the city at the time and not in a village. Why did she not find somewhere more suitable to take her bath, somewhere no man could easily gaze on her body? Then why did she give in to David, when the man did not attempt to rape her at all? (Cf. 2Sam 10)

Of course, we are not given any answers to these questions in the bible. But we do know from the bible that her husband was too far from her. For instance, when the man came into town by the summons of the king, he did not even ask for permission from the king to make a brief visit home to see his young wife. And though the king gave him a direct order to go home, he still did not go.

Why? Well, it may be that he was trying to show the king that he was a true and honourable soldier, who would not get caught up in civilian affairs in a time of war. But at whose expense was he doing that? At the expense of his wife!

Now, of course, Bathsheba had no excuse for her adultery with the king. But we also cannot run away from the fact that her husband’s attitude to her may have contributed to it. And if the man had not been killed the way he was killed, he would have been a fool to divorce Bathsheba and go into another marriage without learning anything from that situation.

What is my point? It is that if you have had a failed love relationship, settle down to draw out the lessons from the failure of that relationship before you move on to another one. And you may want to start with yourself. What are you own errors? How did you contribute to the failure of that love relationship? Did you even get it right in starting that relationship in the first place? You need to deal with these questions and other similar ones and be truthful to yourself about them.

You know that it is easy for us to see the errors in others, especially in love matters. But we too may have our own errors as well. In fact, our errors may be bigger than the errors of our love partners, even though they may not be as obvious as theirs. Remember that the bible says that we all stumble in many ways (James 3:2). So, if we will look carefully and sincerely at our lives and how we have handled those failed relationships of ours, God will show us what we missed, why we missed it and where we missed it, if we actually missed something.

But it is important that we start with ourselves. Our Lord Jesus says this to us:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.” (Matt 7:3-5NIV)

Did you see that? Before you put all the blame of your failed love relationship on your ex-lover, first, deal with your own mistakes or errors in the relationship and accept them. I once had a love relationship that did not last for more than three months or so. Why? I ended it! I just told the lady involved that things could not work between us. And that was it?

Now was she happy about it? No! She, in fact, tried for some months afterwards to see if things could be worked out between us. But my mind was made up. And my mind was made up because I just knew that the relationship was bound to be a disaster. She was the only one that could not see that.

But whose fault was it that things had to go south between both of us? My fault! Her fault! Truly, she blamed herself for certain things she did in the relationship at time. But I really could not place any fault of mine in the whole thing at the time. Yet I was terribly at fault too. It’s just that I could not see it at the time.

See, that lady was a good and kind-hearted person in all honesty. But we would have been better together as mere friends than lovers. And that was how things would have been, if I had not asked her to start a love relationship with me. So, I was the one that led her into that experience. I was the one that led her to start a love life that should never have happened. But I was too blind to see that.

Now because I was too blind to see that I was at fault too in starting that love relationship, I could not learn any lesson from the failure of the relationship. So, I went on to start another love relationship that should also never have happened. And at some point, I had to call it off too. What a shame!

Well, I am sure you can see how we can keep hurting ourselves and others by failing to learn from others’ mistakes and even from our own mistakes. See, if your love relationship failed, it did not fail by accident. Certain things were responsible for the failure. To say the fact, there are no such things as accident. Yes, we may find comfort in using the word ‘accident’ to describe some events. But the truth is that there are no accidents anywhere.

Everything that is happening in this world is caused by something. Accidents are caused by things. Those things may be in the realm of carelessness, recklessness or negligence. But they are the reason for the accidents we are witnessing.

In any case, my point is that your love life did not fail by accident. Something or some things made it fail. What, then, are those things? You need to know them and consider how you will not allow them to make any other love relationship you may later have also fail.

Nonetheless, in doing this, be sure you are checking out everything with the word of God. Otherwise, while you are trying to avoid one problem, you may find yourself setting yourself up for another one. For instance, if it was because you will not accept sex before marriage that your last love relationship failed, it will be wrong of you to say, “Well, if sex is what will keep my next love life, I will simply allow it.”

Sex before marriage and sex outside marriage relationships is wrong. The word of God is very clear about that. So, even if your stand on sex matters was what ruined your last love relationship, compromising your stand on it is not what will save your future love life. Compromising your stand on it will only ruin any love life you eventually have. So, the lesson for you should be that anyone who will not stand on the word of God like you on sex matters is off the list for you, as far as love matters are concerned.

The point I am making, at any rate, is that don’t try to learn from your failed love relationship outside the context of the word of God. Otherwise, as I said before, while you are trying to get away from certain love problems, you may just be driving yourself into some other love problems. Then you may have to end again whatever love life you start after the failed one.

We will continue from here in our next hangout. I thank you all for your time, patience and contributions. And may God strengthen you to be doers of all these things you are learning, in Jesus’ name. Amen. 

In our last hangout, we pressed further on the need for those who have had broken love relationships to be healed before starting new ones. And we rounded off by looking at how to know that such people have been healed of their love injuries. How, then, will they know that they have been healed? One of the things that will show that they have been healed, as I pointed that in that hangout, is that they will hold no grudges or bitterness in their hearts against their ex-lovers.

As long as you are bitter about your ex-lover because of what they did to you, as long as you cannot speak a kind word about them or to them, if you should see them, you have not been healed. The bible says that Joseph’s brothers could not speak kindly to him (Gen 37:4). Why? They were bitter against him. And they were bitter against him because they felt he was the reason their father was not showing them enough love and appreciation.

So, if you too will not speak any kind word about your ex-lover or to them, you are bitter against them. And you are bitter against them because you think they are the reason for your unhappiness or the reason your love is not moving forward as it should. That, of course, is a sign that you are still nursing love injuries. It is also a sign that, all along, you have been depending of that ex-lover for your happiness and progress in life.

See, if you never see to extract happiness or provisions for success in life from anybody, it will not be hard for you to forget about whatever harm they may do to you. But the moment you make it your business to draw your happiness or supply of wisdom or resources from a human, get healed, if they should abandon you, may be quite difficult. That is because you will now need to learn to draw your happiness, wisdom and whatever you need for success in life from God, something you would not learn before. And unless you are willing to humble yourself and learn this, you may stay lovesick for the rest of your life.

Well, the point I am making is that if you are still lovesick, if you are still nursing some love wounds or injuries, you can be healed by turning to God for your happiness and for an abundant supply of anything else you may need in life. What was that lover offering you that God cannot over you? What roles was the person playing in your life that God cannot play? Then what did the person steal from you or cheated you of that God cannot restore?

Look, the greatest thing any lover could have stolen from you was your honour. And if you were not raped or seduced by your lover, you cannot even say that they have stolen your honour from you. You foolishly or ignorantly gave your body to them for defilement. So, you both defiled yourselves and you both need to receive forgiveness from God. And if God has forgiven you, then, you too should forgive them.

Yes, you may feel bad that you allowed yourself to be corrupted by someone that you will not marry. But there is no law that says that the Christian must marry someone that they committed fornication together. So, drop those bad feelings. We walk by faith and not be feelings (2Cor 5:7). We walk on the basis of what God says and not how we feel. And God tells us that if any of us will confess their sins, He will faithfully forgive them and purify them of their unrighteousness (1John 1:9). If you, then, have acknowledged your sins to God, know that He has forgiven you and purified you of your unrighteousness.

Therefore, go and sin no more. Then go and stop punishing yourself for your sins. Also, go and stop trying to punish your ex-lover for sins that you committed together. Instead, yield yourself to God and ask Him to restore your life and whatever you have lost through that failed love life. And He will answer you and set you on the right path. Then you will no longer be bitter against anyone, thinking that they are the reason your life is miserable.

Another way to know if someone has been healed of love wounds or not is their willingness to pray for their ex-lover. Why? Will you want to pray for a lover that hurt you or that almost ruined your life? It is because the word of God says so. “But that is hard to do,” you say. Well, it is hard to do because you are still lovesick. Once you allow God to heal you, you will see that it is not hard at all to pray for your ex-lover, even if they terribly hurt you or messed up your life.

In any case, the word of God says, “But I say to you, love your enemies. Pray for those who hurt you.” (Matt 5:44NCV) Why does God command us to do this? Is it because we have not been hurt at all but are pretending to be hurt? No! Rather, first, it is to show that we believe that He is able to heal us and make our lives right, regardless of how much people hurt us.

Second, it is so that those who have hurt us may not ultimately destroy themselves but be saved. See, God rules in the affairs of men. Therefore, when we are hurting others, God will not fold His arms and act as though nothing serious was happening. Instead, He will act and judge. This, of course, may take a way sometimes. But He will surely do what He has to do, if the erring party will not repent.

Why did God kill Judah’s second son, Onan? It was because he was cheating his late brother’s wife, whom he had acquired, in bed. Think about that. Just because that young man refused to impregnate his brother’s widow and raise an heir for the man, God killed him. So, if you are hurting someone now in your love relationship, you need to be careful and change your ways. That is because you don’t know how God will judge your matter. (Cf. Gen 38)

In any case, as I pointed out before, in order for the ones who have hurt us to be saved from themselves and from God’s judgment, we are told to pray and intercede for them. Then they may receive mercy and be led to repentance themselves.

Now what good will praying in that manner for those who have hurt us do us? It will result in complete healing for us, even if we are still nursing wounds of the wickedness of such people. For instance, before God healed Job and restored his life and fortunes, He told his friends to meet him for prayers. Why? They had hurt him terribly with their words in his moment of trial. In other words, they too offered themselves to be used by the devil to add to his pains and sorrow. (Cf. Job 42:7-8)

And did Job pray for these men or not? He did. The bible says:

“So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the LORD told them; and the LORD accepted Job's prayer. After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before.” (Job 42:9-11NIV)

When did the Lord make Job prosperous again? Was it before he prayed for his friends or after he had prayed for them? It was after he had prayed for them from his heart. See, by praying for them from his heart, he was showing that he had forgiven them of all that they did to him. And by doing that, he opened the door of his own life for complete healing and restoration.

You too can experience complete healing and restoration in your life, if you will forgive your ex-lover of whatever they did against you and pray for them wholeheartedly. So, let go of your anger and bitterness against them. Pray for them, instead. And you will be free to soar again as an eagle.

Mind you, you may think that you are the only one hurting as a result of your failed love life; your ex-lover may be hurting too. No, it may not look like they have been hurt by you or your love relationship at all. And that may be because their pains are different or because they are able to compose themselves better than you. But that will not change the fact that they too may be hurting terribly inside/

So, they also need healing, just like you, and may not even know how to receive it. But through your prayers for them, they may just experience it in their own lives too. That way, you will be restored and they too will be restored. And when next you see yourselves, instead of quarrelling or snubbing each other, you will be able to freely relate. You may even spend time reminiscing over the foolishness of both of you in the past and how God saved you both from destroying yourselves.

Well, the point I am making all along is that you must not allow any love wound or injury to fester in your life. God can heal you. God will heal you, if you will allow Him. So, allow Him to heal you. Then He will be able to use you to heal others like you who are love sick and are allowing the sickness to ruin their lives.

Now I don’t want you to lose sight of why we took some time to address the need for you to be healed of whatever love injuries you have. And the reason is that you may be ready to start a new love relationship without operating under the shadow of the old one or ones that failed.

See, as long as you are operating in a new love relationship under the shadow of an old one, that new love relationship can only be sick. It cannot be what it is meant to be. For instance, you may have heard someone say, “I can never trust any man again in my life. All men are liars.” Why will any woman say such things? It will most likely be because some men that she trusted so much betrayed her in some annoying ways. So, she concluded that all men are liars.

But then, are all men liars? Is her father a liar? It may be that he is. But he may not be a liar. What about her brothers, if she has any? Are they also liars? Do they too have a culture of deceiving her? It may be that they are. But they may be. What about her pastor that she goes to for counselling? Is he too a liar? Maybe! Perhaps he was one of those that deceived her. But it may not be.

So, the truth is that not all men are liars. But if, because certain men deceived or betrayed you in the past, you are going around with the notion that all men are liars, you are bound to have a terrible love relationship. And you are going to have it, regardless of how truthful the man in your life may be. That is because you will never trust him, as long as you carry that evil notion in your heart. And if you don’t trust your love partner, your love life with them is surely sick.

The same thing goes for men. For example, some of them will say, “Women are nothing but muumuus.” In other words, they are loose. The word ‘Muumuu’ or ‘Mumu’ is Hawaiian and it speaks of a loose bright-coloured shapeless dress. And is that a good word to qualify anyone, not to even talk of the whole generation of women? No!

Are all women indeed loose and brainless? No! But there are men who go around with this nonsense in their heads. And the question for them is, “Are their mothers loose and brainless?” What about their sisters? Are they also loose and brainless? Some of them have woman bosses at work? Are those women too loose and brainless? If they were, would they be their bosses at work?

There is something in English grammar that is called fallacy of hasty generalisation. This happens when you draw conclusions on a matter on the basis of insufficient evidence. And that is exactly what any man that says, “All women are brainless and loose,” is doing. He is using his experience with one or two women to define the billions of women in the world. What could be more ridiculous?

In any case, the point I am making is that when you begin to use the view you have of your ex-lover to define a new person that has come into your life or that wants to come into your life, you are going to ruin that love relationship. That is because this new person may not be anything like the old person. And if you don’t make effort to know them for who they are and relate to them on that basis, that love relationship may also end up crashing.

This explains why people go from one failed love relationship to another and then to another and then to yet another. Eventually, in order to save face, they may just settle for one and get married. Yet their problems are not solved. On the contrary, those problems may just ‘eternalised’, if there is any word like that.

See, it is wrong for you to begin a new love relationship under the shadow of a dead one. That dead relationship is dead. Let it stay dead. Don’t resurrect it. Otherwise, you are going to ruin the new one. And that is probably what you are going to do, if you have not yet been healed of the wounds of the old love life.

So, allow God to heal you of all the injuries of your old love life or lives before you start a new one. And be sure that He has healed you before you move on with a new love life. Don’t assume that you have been healed. Instead, test your sincerity in the matter by considering your willingness to pray for your ex-lover and to help them, if the need should arise. And may God strengthen and guide you to do what is right in this matter, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

We will meet next week again, if Jesus tarries. Thank you everyone for your time, patience and contributions. 

In our last hangout, I shared three things from Scriptures with you on how to receiving healing from the injuries or pains of dead love relationships. The first is to continually rejoice in the Lord, regardless of how you feel about that dead love relationship that is hurting you. The second is to pray that God will take care of all the mess made by the dead love relationship in your life and heal you. Third is to meditate only on those things that are good, lovely, pure, honourable, excellent and progressive. (Cf. Phil 4:4-8)

Now, as I further pointed out in that hangout, if you do these three things, you will be healed of whatever pains you may have been suffering from your failed love relationships. But are you going to do them? That is the question. Do you really want to be healed of your love injuries?

To say the fact, it is not everyone that has been injured through their love relationships that really want to be healed. Some don’t just want to be healed. They want to continue to nurse their love injuries. Why is that? It may be that they are enjoying the sympathy that they are receiving from those close to them because of their pains. Or it may be that it is a perfect excuse for them not to move on in life. In other words, such people have never really been serious about life before. So, going through a broken love relationship may just serve as a good reason for them not to press forward in life and become the people God wants them to be.

Whatever the case may be, I want you to know that there is no excuse that any of us will give to God for failing in this life that will be acceptable. It is true that people’s wickedness to us may keep us from doing the will of God for our lives or from becoming what He wants us to be in life. But that will be because we allow it. If we do not allow Satan to succeed in using anybody’s wickedness to prevent us from doing the will of God in life, then, he will not succeed. But if we do allow him, he will succeed and make nonsense of our lives.

However, God will not accept that as an excuse from us. Look at the kinds of things Joseph suffered from the hands of the people in his life. First, his own brothers sold him into slavery. And even though he begged them for his life, they would not listen. Second, his master’s wife accused him of raping her, when all he did was to honourably refuse to have anything to do with her. So, he ended up in jail for a crime he did not commit.

Nevertheless, in the face of all these things, Joseph did not lose his mind. He did not give up on himself or on life. Why? He knew that God was with him and would see him through. And did God see him through or not? He did, against all odds.

In like manner, God will see you too through whatever you may be going through in life right now, even if it is the pain of a dead love life. All you need to do is to entrust yourself to Him, rejoice in Him and give yourself to meditating on good things. And before you know it, you will be totally healed of every love injury and pain and be free to love again.

Now before I show you the things that will let you know that you have actually been healed of your love injuries and pains, let me give you one more thing that you will aid you in being healed of whatever love pains you may be having. And that is staying in fellowship with godly people who care about you and who wants you to stay healthy in all ways, spiritual, mentally and physically.

See, there are love injuries that a person may not be able to deal with alone. And that may be for various reasons. For instance, I once shared about a brother that spent his time, energy, devotion and earnings on nurturing a love relationship with a sister, only to be invited one day by the sister to her wedding to another man. What sort of pains do you think that man must have felt? Can you even conceive it?

Actually, when I heard that from him, I was like, “Are you sure you were in a relationship with that sister? Or did you just assume that you were in a love relationship with her?” And he said there were not assumptions in their love relationship. It was an open thing. Everybody knew that they were in a love relationship. Their parents and other family members knew. Other people who were also close to them knew about it.

Yet, one day, this man was given the shock of his life by his so-called fiancée. He was told that she was going to be getting married to some other man. And according to him, even when he confronted her parents about it, they could not come up with any reasonable explanation other than say, “We are sorry.”

Now I did not have enough time that day to ask him how he healed – maybe I would do that when next I see I him. But I am sure he did not deal with it alone. Being a child of God himself, he must have had the help of some good people of God in going through the situation.

So, it is possible that you actually need people’s help in dealing with your love pains. But you must understand that it is not everyone around that can help you to heal. Who can help you, then? First, you need someone that truly cares about you and your welfare. Those who don’t care about you and your welfare cannot help you in this matter. So, regardless of how close or closely related they may be to you, don’t bring them into your love affairs. It is utterly unsafe.

But then, it is not everyone that cares about you that can help you deal with your love pains. That someone truly cares about you does not mean that the person is knowledgeable enough to help you in every or any area of your life. So, even if someone cares about you but is not knowledgeable enough in love or marriage matters, discussing your love matters with them may just be a waste of time or counter-productive.

Then when we are talking about being knowledgeable or wise in handling matters of life, there are different kinds of knowledge and wisdom. We have sense knowledge, for instance, just as we have divine knowledge. Also, we have satanic wisdom, just as we have godly wisdom. (Cf. James 3:13-18)

Now sense knowledge is not what you need for your healing but divine knowledge. And satanic wisdom is not what you need for your healing but godly wisdom. So, even if someone cares about you and is also knowledgeable, be sure that what the person will be giving you in dealing with your love wounds is godly wisdom and support. Otherwise, they may end up filling you with so much bitterness and hate that it may take a thousand miracles from God for you to be healed of your love injuries.

So, even if you believe or feel that you need the help of people to be healed of your love pains, it is God’s people that love and care about you and that are full of godly wisdom and counsel that you should open up to for help. And don’t forget that I told you before that those who have love injuries are prone to fresh wrong love relationships. Then they are also prone to all kinds of manipulations and deceit. So, if you miss it in terms of whom you approach for spiritual or emotional support in dealing with your love injuries, you may just be setting the stage of your life up for another terrible love or relationship experience.

All this is why you need to be sure that the people you stay in touch with in this situation are truly godly, good and knowledgeable people, who will not mislead you or take advantage of your situation. Paul says this of the Roman-brethren:

“I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another.” (Rom 15:14NIV)

Did you pay attention to the qualities pointed out as being possessed by these brethren? They are full of goodness, perfect in knowledge and competent to help one another. And those are the qualities that you should look out for in anyone that you want to stay in touch with to help you deal with your love pains.

However, be careful not to try to extract happiness or comfort from anyone. No one can comfort you or make you happy, if God Himself does not make you happy. Yes, people may stand by you to help you, to pray with you and to counsel you to get through a trying period. Don’t forget that they are not God. Instead, they are human beings like you. So, they have their own limitations and flaws.

They too may even be going through similar challenges or some other challenges that are causing them pains. That means they also need healing like you. Yet they are making themselves available to share your in struggles and to comfort you with the same comfort they are receiving from God. So, where they are not able to make themselves available to you, don’t take offence.

Remember that, ultimately, the one that will heal you is God. And you will do well to learn to draw whatever form of comfort and healing you need from Him and not from man. That way, you will not have your sorrow or disappointment multiplied.

Now, having said all that, let’s look at how to know when you are truly healed of your love pains. One of the ways to know that you will have no feeling of hate or animosity towards your former lover. As long as you feel hate or bitterness in you, each time you think about a former lover or your relationship with them, you are still sick and in need of healing.

Yes, you may say that you are fine and that you have already moved on. But that is just self-deceit. As long as you feel anger or hate in you when you think about that dead or broken love relationship, you have not healed. As long as you freely abuse and belittle your former lover each time you to say something about them to others, you have not healed. Therefore, you are not yet ready for another love relationship.

Look at Joseph, for instance. He allowed God to heal him of all the injuries inflicted on him by his brothers. That was one of the reasons he was able to flourish in the house of Potiphar. He also allowed God to heal him of the injuries he suffered at the hands of Potiphar’s wife. So, he was also able to flourish in the prison.

But how do we know that this man was truly healed? Well, as we see in the account, when he became Pharaoh’s second in command, did he go after Potiphar and his wife in order to make them pay for all that he suffered from their hands? No, we have no record of such things!

Then, when his brothers came to Egypt to buy food, was he vindictive in relating to them? No! Did he try to frustrate them and make them pay for all that they had put him through? No!

Yes, Joseph hid his identity for them and seriously probed them, when they came to Egypt. But why did he do that? It was to find out whether they had changed their ways or not. He wanted to see whether they had become better men or not.

Yet, when they were leaving Egypt the first time they came to buy food there, he made sure the money they used in buying food was put back in their sacks. Look at how what is said about that in the bible:

“Joseph gave orders to fill their bags with grain, to put each man's silver back in his sack, and to give them provisions for their journey. After this was done for them, they loaded their grain on their donkeys and left."” (Gen 42:25-26NIV)

Did you see that? If Joseph was still bitter towards them, would he do that? No! Eventually, after their father had died, they were still not sure that Joseph would not try to hurt them for all they had done to him. Look at what is said about that:

“When Joseph's brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, "What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back for all the wrongs we did to him?" So they sent word to Joseph, saying, "Your father left these instructions before he died: This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.' Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father." When their message came to him, Joseph wept. His brothers then came and threw themselves down before him. "We are your slaves," they said. But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children." And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.” (Gen 50:15-21NIV)

Think about that. Joseph spoke kindly to his brothers and reassured them of his love for them. Yes, they truly hurt him. But he looked beyond what they had done to him to what God had accomplished through it. So, he was not going to abuse them or hurt them in any way. Instead, he was willing to provide for them and take care of their families.

And I want to ask you this: If your ex-lover should need your help today, would you freely help them, if you had the means to help? Yes, of course, we must never help anyone without discretion, especially if the person has proven in the past to be wicked, unreliable, tricky, manipulative or greedy. And you see that Joseph, before he began to do all kinds of good things to his brothers, first made effort to see if they had changed at all or not.

So, nothing is wrong with being careful or showing discretion in helping someone that once betrayed us or that once treated us shamefully or that is manipulative. But then, whether our ex-lover has changed for the better or not, if we are in a position to help them, are we going to help them or not. Or are we going to allow how they treated us in the past to get in the way? How we respond to these questions is one of the things that will show whether we have been healed of our love injuries or not.

Joseph allowed God to heal him of the pains inflicted on him by his brothers. That was because he was looking beyond what they did to him to how God was able to turn it around for his good. If you too will look beyond what your ex-lover or anyone else has done to hurt you to how God is able to turn it around for your good, God will be able to heal you. But if all you are looking at is the harm done to you and can’t see the fact that God is able to turn it around for your good, then, you will remain sick for life, whether you eventually get married or not.

Now, as long as you are sick in your heart or in your mind because of some love injuries or other problems of life, as long as you are bitter towards anyone because of what they have done against you, there are things you won’t be able to receive from God’s hand. More so, you will be opening the doors of your life for satanic affliction. So, let go of all bitterness and hate towards your ex-lover and allow God to heal and restore you.

We will stop here in this hangout. I pray that God will heal your heart and mind wherever they are hurting, in Jesus’ name. Amen. Thank you everyone for your attention and contribution. See you next week, if Jesus tarries. 

In our last hangout, we began to look at the things to consider in starting a new love relationship, having just ended one. And as I pointed out, if you have ended a sick love relationship, whether recently or a long time ago, you don’t need to be afraid to start a new one. What you need first is to be sure that you have been healed of the injuries of that dead relationship.

Now whether you are healed or not depends on whom or what you turn to for healing. If you turn to humans for healing, you will not be healed. That is because no human being can heal wounds that God does not heal. Then if turn to things, maybe your job, business or career, you still won’t experience healing. That is because things don’t heal – it is God that heals.

More so, you can choose to use another love relationship to heal yourself. But that is going to be a terrible mistake. That is because no relationship can heal you, if God Himself does not heal you. And if the new relationship you are trying to use to heal yourself is also not founded on truth and righteousness, it may end up adding more griefs to your life.

Therefore, as long as you have been in a love relationship before, make sure you are healed of whatever injuries you sustained in it before you start another one. And the only way to be healed is to turn to God for healing. But will God heal you, if you will turn to Him in this manner? Yes, He will heal you, even though the healing you need is not physical or spiritual but emotional. And He will heal you because He has promised in His word to do so.
Look at this Scripture:

“But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,' declares the LORD, 'because you are called an outcast, Zion for whom no one cares.'” (Jer 30:17NIV)

Now that was God’s promise to heal His people, the Israelites, of their wounds and to restore health to them. And if He was able to heal a whole nation of their wounds, is it just an individual that He will not be able to heal? He can heal you. And He will heal you.

What, then, do you need to do to receive God’s healing for your emotional injuries and pains? Turn to the word of God. In it is the way to receive your healing. For instance, His word shares a number of very effective things you can do with us in this passage:

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things.” (Phil 4:4-9NIV)

What is our first apostolic instruction in this text? It is that we are to rejoice in the Lord always. Observe that we are not told to rejoice in the Lord when we feel like or when we are happy; rather, we are told to rejoice in Him always. So, regardless of the circumstances in which we may find ourselves, we must rejoice in the Lord.

That being the case, even though you have been hurt through your past love relationship or relationships, you must not allow what has happed to take away your joy. And observe again that we are not told in that text to rejoice in our circumstances, for there may be nothing to rejoice over in them. Someone molested or abused you in a love relationship. Is there anything to rejoice over in that? None! Or someone betrayed your trust in a love relationship. Is that something to rejoice over? No!

But you can rejoice in the fact that the Lord Jesus Christ is with you all the time and will never forsake you or abandon you. You can rejoice in the fact that the Lord Jesus will never betray you or molest you. And you can also rejoice in the fact that He will perfect what concerns you and lead you into the best love life for you.

So, if you want to receive God’s healing for your emotional pains, start by rejoicing in the Lord for His presence in your life and for all the good things He is doing for you and through you. Will that be easy? It depends on how terribly hurt you are. But God has not said that we should rejoice in the Lord when it is easy for us to do so. Rather, He has told us to rejoice in Him whether it is easy or not. And as we obey this command, it won’t be long before His joy overwhelms our hearts and lives and we are rid of all forms of sorrow.

Our second instruction in that passage is that we are to be anxious for nothing, including our failed love relationships. So, don’t let that broken or dead love relationship get you occupied with anxiety. In other words, don’t worry about it. One of the reasons you are in still in pains is that you are worried about that love relationship that is dead. But it is already dead. Let it stay dead.

See, you are not the one that is dead. It is your love life that is dead. And you don’t have to die with it. So, let it go. Forget about it, unless you want to resurrect it. But if you don’t want to resurrect it, you need to let it go and stop worrying yourself over it. Otherwise, you won’t be able to receive your healing from God and move on to be fruitful and productive with your life.

There are many today that are limited in fruitfulness and profitability in life because they are worried about certain dead love relationships they had. They use every little time they have to think about those relationships. Sometimes, they may even abandon their jobs, businesses or other important responsibilities just to think about the dead, their dead love lives. So, they are not as effective and efficient as they are meant to be in life.

But you don’t have to do that to yourself. The word of God says don’t be anxious about anything at all. So, don’t be. And if you are, you are disobeying a direct order from your Father. That, of course, will come with consequences. And of them is that you will be robbed of your peace and joy.

Now, of course, even though we are commanded by God not to be anxious about anything, including our failed love lives, it does not mean we are to do nothing about them at all. What I mean is that the fact that you are not to worry about a matter does not mean that the matter will resolve itself. For instance, if you have a headache and refuse to worry about it, will that make the headache go away all by itself? No! If you have a headache, you have to do something about it. You have to speak the word of God to eat or take a medication or do both. Otherwise, even if you are not worried about it initially, you will at some point begin to worry about it, if it begins to threaten your life.

In like manner, God has not just told us not to worry about any matter of our lives; He has also told us what to do about them. And He has told us what to do about them so that they will not eventually become a subject of anxiety for us. What, then, has He told us to do about them? He has told us to pray about them.

Look at that text again:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 4:6-7)

Did you see that? Instead of being anxious about your love life or anything else, you are told by God to pray. Pray about everything concerning the matter at hand. Tell God how you feel about it and what is bothering your mind about it. Read the psalms, and you will see how some of the saints of old freely expressed their minds to God in different situations. For instance, David, in one of his psalms, says this:

“God, whom I praise, do not remain silent, for wicked and deceitful men have opened their mouths against me; they have spoken against me with lying tongues. With words of hatred they surround me; they attack me without cause. In return for my friendship they accuse me, but I am a man of prayer. They repay me evil for good, and hatred for my friendship.” (Ps 109:1-5NIV)

Can you relate to that? This man is freely telling God how certain people have treated him and repaid him evil for good. Yet he used to pray for them. What, then, would God do about that? That was what he seemed to dealing with in that prayer.

Now you too can pray like that about your dead love life. You can tell Him all your disappointments in the relationship and even your losses. And when you are done expressing yourself to Him in this manner, tell Him to heal you and also show you the way forward. Mind you, unlike some of the psalmists of old, you don’t have to pray that God will destroy or hurt your ex-lover for hurting you. We are not permitted to pray like that as children of God. Instead, we are told to bless those who hurt and spite us. Why? It is so that they can receive mercy and be saved from self-destruction. (Cf. Matt 5:43-48)

In any case, when we pray to God about any matter bothering us, as we are told in that bible text, with hearts thankful to God, He is going to move on our behalf and sort us out. How? First, He will give us indescribable peace in our hearts. How is He going to do that? I can’t tell. But I do know that God is able to so fill people’s hearts with peace that they will not bother themselves at all again about a matter that used to trouble them.

See, when God fills our hearts with His peace, nothing may seem to be changing about our situation on the outside. In fact, things may seem to be getting worse. But we will not bother about what we see or hear at all. Why? Our hearts are filled with peace that comes from knowing that God is in charge. Do you understand that?

Remember Hannah of bible days. Remember that the bible says that after she prayed by herself to God concerning her barrenness, she was no longer sorrowful. In other words, whatever Peninah, her mate, did or said afterwards did not matter to her anymore. Why? God’s peace had taken over. And eventually, she had more than that peace – she also had her own children. (Cf. 1Sam 1:18)

So, if you will talk to God about whatever is hurting you about your dead love relationship or relationships, He will fill your heart with His peace and also lead you into the right love relationship for you. And remember also that the bible says, “God will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Him, for he trusts in Him.” So, fix your gaze on God in prayers, and you will have His perfect peace protecting your heart and keeping it from being broken by anybody. (Cf. Isaiah 26:3)

Finally, our third instruction in that text is to meditate only on those things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. In other words, you need to stop entertaining every bad thought in relations with your failed love life. I want you to know that it is Satan’s business to make you unhappy and sad for the rest of your life. And among the tools he will be using to accomplish that are evil thoughts.

Now while you may not be able to stop him all the time from bringing bad thoughts to you, you can decide not to welcome them or meditate on them. And the best way to keep yourself from meditating on bad things is to give yourself to meditating on good things. So, stop seeing your life as going backwards or as over because you have to end a love relationship with someone. Instead, begin to see your life as advancing, in spite of all that has happened. Yes, begin to think of all kinds of beautiful and wonderful things you can now do with your life, having ended a painful or disappointing love relationship. That way, you will be opening the doors of your life for all kinds of beautiful things that God has provided for your prosperity and enjoyment to freely flow in.

It is unfortunate, however, that many who are suffering from broken love relationships do not know this. So, they allow Satan to so fill them with evil thoughts of hopelessness that they become useless to themselves and to others around them. Some of them may even go ahead and kill themselves or hurt those love partners that betrayed or disappointed them.

But you don’t have to allow that to happen to you. You don’t have to allow any love relationship to take away your joy, peace, love and future. No, you don’t have to allow any love relationship to turn you to a monster or a little demon. Instead, entrust yourself to God and to His word, even as you pray and give thanks. Then you will be healed and made entirely whole, regardless of how much emotional pains or traumas you have had to suffer because of love.

This is where we will end this hangout. I pray for you these words that I have shared with you will be life to your soul and body in every way and heal you of whatever pains you are dealing with in your life right away. Amen.

Thank you everyone for your time, attention and contributions. 

In our last hangout, we looked at how to end a sick love relationship in line with the will of God. Now I want us to give you some thoughts on starting all over again. I mean that I want to share some things with you that will help you in starting a fresh love relationship, having discarded one.

What, then, are those things that will help you in starting afresh, if you have just lost a love relationship? First, don’t be afraid to start all over again. There are people who have remained single for years simply because certain love relationships they had failed. And why have they remained single? Is it because they no longer want to get married? No, it is not that. The reason is just that they are afraid of starting another one. They are afraid that a new relationship they start may also fail.

Unfortunately, some of such people may not tell themselves the truth about this. I mean that they may refuse to admit that fear is the reason they have not started another love relationship, having lost one or two or even more. They may just say that they are done, as far as love matters are concerned. Or they may say that the have just realised that marriage is not for them.

It is, of course, true that there are people that marriage is not meant for. There are people that are born as celibates. In other words, certain medical conditions have made celibates of them. Also, there are people who have chosen to be celibates because of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Then there are man-made celibates, that is, those castrated by men. (Cf. Matt 19:11-12)

Whatever the case may be, celibates don’t think of marriage at all. In fact, it is not in them to do so. So, they will not even start a love relationship, not to talk of end it. So, the fact that you have been through at least one love relationship shows that you are most likely not a celibate.

Am I saying that if one has been through a love relationship, the person cannot choose never to be involved in any other one again? No! Anybody can choose anything for themselves. Even a widow can choose never to remarry again. We have, for instance, a widow called Anna in the bible that chose not to marry again after her husband’s death. And what did she use the remaining years of her life to do? She used it to worship God with prayer and fasting. (Cf. Luke 2:36-37)

But is it every young widow that can handle that? Is it every young widow or widower that can remain unmarried for life? No! To say the fact, we have widows and widowers with kids that are seriously searching for new love. It is not big wonder, then, that the wisdom of God counsels young widows and, by extension, young widowers, to remarry, instead of messing around and causing people to blaspheme the name of God. (Cf. 1Tim 5:11-14)

Now I went through all that to let you know that if you choose not to marry at all, simply because you have had some failed love relationships, you must also be prepared to deal with the consequences of that choice. One of them is that you cannot afford to be messing around with any man or woman, seeing that you are a child of God. You must stay away from anything called sexual relationship.

You must also be prepared to deal with the slanders and misunderstanding of people, especially those closest to you. Don’t think that your family members, for instance, are just going to fold their arms and let you alone, because you have told them that you would not marry. They will not. You, then, will have to deal with whatever harassment they give you for choosing that path.

More so, if you are not gifted as a celibate and you just wake up one morning and tell yourself that you won’t marry, just because someone disappointed you, you may end up ruining yourself with depression and bitterness. Yes, you may try to hide the fact that you are bitter or depressed. But it is only a matter of time. The truth will surface.

So, don’t try to confine yourself to a life that you are not chosen for, just because you had some love disappointments or betrayals. Instead, trust God to heal you and also to guide you into what is best for you.

The bible says, “…for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again…” (Prov 24:16NIV) Did you see that? God’s righteous people don’t give up, just because they experience some falls. Giving up is a sign of faithlessness. It does not show that we trust God to lift us up from where we have fallen and still make our lives what they are meant to be.

Now it is not my prayer that you will have to go through two love relationships, not to even talk of seven, before you are settled in a happy home. But supposing you have to start your love life all over again, don’t be afraid of doing so. That is because God loves you, in spite of what you may have experienced in that or those broken love relationships, and is committed to teaching you what is best for you and guiding you in the way you should go (Is 48:17).

So, don’t be afraid of starting a new love relationship. As you long as you trust God to heal and guide you into what is best for you, He will not fail you. Remember Job. Remember that he had to start all over again, having lost everything, including all his ten children. Yet when he and his wife started all over again, God favoured them and gave them ten new children. How awesome! (Cf. Job 1 & 42)

But then, we must not overlook the fact that a new love relationship that you start right after ending one may fail. And it will most likely fail like the other one, if you do not start it on the right note. So, while you should not be afraid to step into the waters of love again to start a new love relationship, if you have already lost one, you must know that your courage is not enough to make you succeed.

Courage is good. Courage is commendable. But courage is not synonymous to knowledge or wisdom. So, even if you are courageous in doing something, as long as you don’t have sufficient knowledge and wisdom to handle it, there is every tendency that it will fail.

That being the case, you need more than courage to start a new love relationship, if you just discarded one. Among other things, you also need to know that you have been healed of whatever injury you have suffered from your failed love life or lives. And God is able to heal you of it, if you will allow Him. But you need to be sure that you have been healed before you start all over again. Otherwise, you may end up adding insult to injury.

Now, as I already pointed out, God is able to heal you of the pains of your failed love relationship or relationships. In fact, He is the only one that can heal you of them. Unfortunately, many don’t know this. Yes, they want to be healed of their love injuries. But instead of turning to God for healing, they may turn to medications or to some friends or family members for healing.

The question is, “Is there any drug or tablet that can heal a broken heart?” I don’t know of any. Drugs and tablets are for physical and mental ailments. They are not for emotional ailments. It is just like getting yourself drunk because you don’t want to think about certain issues of your life. When you come around from your drunkenness, will you still not meet those issues where you have left them? Yes, you will. So, don’t try to heal your emotional traumas or pains with any kind of medication. You may just end up harming your body and mind even more.

Then it is true that our family members and friends can play very significant roles in healing us of the pains of a broken love life. But whether they will be able to help us or not depends on who and what they are drawing our attention to. If they are drawing our attention to God and His word, then, they may be able to help us truly. But if all they are giving us are their ‘sorry’ or stories, we may never experience any true healing.

Remember that Job’s friends came to him for the purpose of consoling and comforting, when he found himself in trouble. But when they able to help him? No! Instead, they only added to his pains. So, he referred to them as worthless physicians, useless doctors (Job 13:4). And he did not experience true healing until God stepped in and healed him. If you too, then, want to be truly healed of your love pains and injury, don’t count on men for it; instead, count on God.

In addition, don’t turn to your jobs or academics or ministry for healing. Things don’t heal people; it is God that heals them. I know there are people who will just immerse themselves into their businesses, academics or ministry, just to take their minds of the pains they are experiencing from their failed love lives. But taking your minds off your pains does not mean those pains no longer exist. You are just trying to supress them. And you cannot supress them forever that. That is because a time will surely come when you will be confronted with a circumstance that will root them out. Then you will see that you have not healed at all and that your wounds have, instead, festered.

So, don’t think you are healing yourself of your love wounds by focusing on other things and trying to act as though they were not there. You are not healing yourself at all. You are only dressing your wounds. And dressed wounds are not nothing but wounds. So, they will still hurt terribly, if something should hit them, however small that thing may be.

Look at what God says along this line to His people about their leaders’ attitude to their spiritual wounds: “They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious. 'Peace, peace,' they say, when there is no peace.” (Jer 6:14NIV) Did you see that? We and others can lie to ourselves about our conditions, spiritual, mental, physical or financial. But our lies will not change a thing. Our lies will not solve our problems. It is only by telling ourselves the truth that we can be led to experience freedom from God from whatever is seeking to destroy us.

I am saying all this to let you know that if you are hurting right now because of a failed love life, don’t lie to yourself about it. You need healing. And you can be healed, for God is able to heal you. As we see in the bible, one of the reasons our Lord Jesus was anointed by God with the Holy Spirit and power is that He may heal broken hearts (Isaiah 61:1). So, if you will turn to Him for the healing of your broken heart, He will heal you indeed.

Sadly, again, instead for some to turn to God for healing, they will be trying to heal themselves with some fresh love relationships. Imagine that! I personally knew someone who had barely been rescued from a destructive love relationship when she started another one. And when I was told that she was in another love relationship, I was utterly surprised.

Well, she went on with it and, perhaps because she did not wanted people to be counting her love relationships for her, ended up marrying the new guy. But today, she is probably getting ready for her third marriage.

What was the problem with her? She was trying to heal her love wounds with another love relationship. And there are still many all around the world like her. They think the only way to heal their love injuries is to start another love relationship. But a new love relationship will not heal wounds that God has not healed. On the contrary, a new love relationship has a great potential to inflict you with fresh injuries. So, watch yourself.

See, anyone who just ends a love relationship is actually vulnerable to another wrong love relationship. Why? It is because they are most likely open to sympathy. In other words, they will actually desire that someone will sympathise with them and tell them that they are not the problem here but their love partner. Yes, they will want someone that will pamper them, show them the missing love and make them feel accepted again.

Now if that sympathiser should be another opposite sex that is not a family member, they may find themselves accidentally falling in love with each other before they know what is going on. And what is the guarantee that they will not hurt themselves again? There is none, if they are not started whatever they have started on the basis of the word of God.

You can see why some have been through diverse love relationships and are still counting. And you can also see why some ended up marrying people they never thought they could marry in life. They tried to heal themselves of the injuries of a failed love relationship by starting another. And even when they realised that they had missed it again, shame would not allow them to end the affair and start all over again. So, they decided to marry anyway. And now they are stuck.

I pray that you will never be stuck in a destructive love relationship or marriage, in Jesus’ name. But you need to pay a very careful attention to the things I am sharing with you here and be devoted to acting on them. And this is where we will end it for this hangout. Thank you everyone for your time, attention and contributions. May you find strength in God to be doers of these things and not hearers alone. Amen. 

In our last hangout, we looked at the need for those in love relationships to be willing and ready to do the needful about their sick love relationships. And what are those needful things they must be willing and ready to do? First, they must be willing to examine those sick love relationships to see if they can be healed. Second, they must be sincere about making the necessary effort to heal those relationships, if they can be healed. Third, they must be willing to jettison those love relationships, if they cannot be healed or if they are not interested in healing them.

Then, as I pointed out in that last hangout, no one should use ‘God says’ as their basis for staying in a sick love relationship that cannot be healed. That is because God can change His mind about people, if they give themselves to unrighteousness or wrong practices and are unwilling to repent.

As an example, God rejected Saul as king over Israel and replaced with someone else, even though He was the one that had specially anointed him. Why? Was it because he was an immoral person or an idolater? No! Or was it because, like David, he took another man’s wife and then killed the man? No! Rather, it was because he had a culture of making excuses for not doing the will of God. (Cf. 1Sam 13 &15)

So, God can reject someone that He once chose for you, if the person begins to misbehave and will not repent. That, of course, does not mean that God has rejected the person has His child. No! However, as far as your love life is concerned, if God has already rejected someone, it will be wise for you not to say glued to them. Otherwise, you will have only yourself to blame for doing so.

But then, will it be easy to abandon a love relationship that you have spent some time, energy, resources and devotion to nurture? It is never entirely easy. Of course, it may be easier for some people than for some others. But abandoning a love relationship always comes with some measure of pains. And it is the attitude of those involved in that relationship that will determine how painful or hurting it will be.

Think about it. Even where love matters are not involved, it is not always easy to abandon people or systems or organisations, especially if we have laboured on them or invested in them. Do you know that to abandon a stranger that is in need or that is vulnerable sometimes can be painful or disheartening? Some people may not even get over that for weeks.

For instance, the sailors that Jonah was travelling with when he was running away from God had to face the bitter truth that he must be thrown overboard, if they would save their lives and their ship. They had already lost their cargo. But it soon became clear to them that they would also lose their ship and their lives, if they continued their trip to Tarshish with Jonah. So, reluctantly and painfully, they threw him overboard. Then they begged God not to hold them responsible for the man’s life, since it was not something pleasant to them to throw him overboard. (Cf. Jonah 1)

But did those people know Jonah before that time? No! And if the storm that came against their ship had not come against it, it was possible that none of them would take notice of the man or speak to him till they got to where they were going. But the storm that came against them made all of them come together to work for their salvation. And it was during that moment that they got to know the man and what he was up to. Yet giving up for death was not something they wanted to live with, even though he was the source of their trouble.

What is my point? It is that if we sometimes find it painful to abandon strangers or ignore their cry for help, will it not be even more painful, if we have to abandon a lover, one that we have probably shared many things and moments together? It will.

However, what has to be done has to be done. And because it has to be done, there can be no hesitation. Otherwise, we may just be prolonging our days in a wrong or destructive love relationship. And the longer we stay in it, the more difficult and painful it will be for us to end it. So, get on with it. End it.

How, then, do we end a love relationship that is sick and cannot be healed? Honestly, I cannot answer that question for you in details, though I am going give you some biblical counsel in a moment. How you end it depends on you and on the person involved. Some people have the audacity to stand before their love partners, look them in the eyes and tell them, “It is over between us.” And once they say that, it is truly over. They will leave and never turn back.

But some people cannot do that. They cannot stand to watch the reaction of their lovers when they tell them that it is over. So, they may just send them a text message to inform them or they may gradually make themselves more and more unreachable to their lovers.

Some, however, know how to be diplomatic about such things. They may call for some special meetings with their love partners. And there they will analyse everything to them, how good those partners have been and how sad it is for them to let go of them. Then they may even say that they will continue to be friends for life, just to reduce the tension that those lovers may feel because of what is happening.

Whatever the case may be, whatever method you may be find with using in ending a sick love relationship that cannot be healed, do your best to handle it in a peaceful and honourable way. Yes, your lover may have a whole lot of things that are wrong about them. That does not mean that you should ruin their image or self-worth because you no longer want to be with them. It does not mean you should use your mouth to run them down and call them all kinds of unprintable or unspeakable names, just because you are going to leave them. If their reputation was not in ruins when you met them and they are not doing what will ruin it themselves, then, don’t be the one that will ruin it, just because you no longer want to marry them. Fear God!

Look at what is said in Scriptures about Joseph treated Mary when he found out that she, the young virgin betrothed to him, was pregnant for someone he would not know:

“Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.” (Matt 1:19NIV)

Did you see that? Even though Mary’s situation was really embarrassing and unacceptable, her fiancé was not willing to subject her to public disgrace. That means, if it were to be the day of social media, he would not go and post her picture on Facebook, highlighting her protruded belly and telling everyone to help him ask her, “Aunty, who carry belle give you?”

No, Joseph would not do a special video to warn men about how crazy ladies are today, using his Mary as a case study. Instead, he decided to divorce her quietly. Thankfully, he did not have to do so because God stepped into the situation and showed him how Mary’s pregnancy came to be.

Unfortunately, many today think of ending a love relationship in the light of ending life itself. And it is a terrible sign of frustration and hopelessness. Even if you have to end your love life for a very just reason, don’t act like you are frustrated, unless you are indeed frustrated. And don’t act like you are hopeless, unless you are indeed hopeless. No, don’t act like your world has ended or like you have no other place to go, unless you truly believe there is no other place for you to go.

In like manner, even if you think your love partner has no justifiable reason for wanting to end your love relationship, don’t act like all is over for you in life. How can all be over for you in life, when God is very much alive and well and also accessible? Yes, the leaving of your partner may be painful and disappointing. It may even come with a lot of regrets, in terms of waste of time, energy, resources, dedication and so forth. That, however, does not mean that all is over for you. All is never over for those who trust God and who put their hope in Him.

Do you remember Hagar, Sarah’s maidservant? Do you remember that she was sent away from Abraham’s household with her son Ishmael with nothing but a jar of water and some food? Think of all her years of serving that family. Think also of the fact that she gave Abraham his first child. Yes, she had her own character flaws. But she was just another human being. Yest on the day she was driven out of Abraham’s house, she left with nothing to her credit and left not knowing where to go or what was in the future for her. (Cf. Gen 21:1-14)

Nevertheless, in her time of distress, at a time when it looked like she would lose her only child and family and probably her life too, God showed up and saved her and her son. Not only that, God gave them a future that no man could have given to them. He made them into a nation. (Cf. Gen 21:15-21)

So, even if you are unjustly abandoned by your lover, don’t let that end your life. No, don’t allow that to turn you to a beast or to mad person. Just turn to God for help and healing. And He will heal you. How He will do that is not what I can say. But He has the power to heal broken hearts and will yours, if it is broken and you will allow Him to fix it.

It is a shame that people commit suicide today for love. Yes, it is a shame that people turn themselves to internet monsters and start harassing their ex-lovers because they are no longer together. Even more shameful is the fact that some will bring out their sex tapes with their ex-lovers just to score some points. Such people, evidently, are under demonic control and can only self-destruct, if they are not set free.

And let me quickly say this: It is wrong to be having sex with someone you are not married to. And it is even worse and demonic to record your reckless sex adventure with anyone, even if you are married to the person. What do you intend to accomplish with that?

Well, all along, my point is that if you have to end a sick love relationship, do so with the fear of God. Try to put yourself in the shoes of the person you are dealing with. Remember that Jesus tells us to treat others, as we will have them treat us (Matt 7:12). So, don’t give your love partner any kind of treatment you yourself will not like to be given, just because you want to end your love life with them. Instead, fear God.

But what if your lover does not want your relationship in them to end in peace or at all? Well, the word of God says this to us: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Rom 12:18NIV) Did you see that? Even if we want to be at peace with everyone, it may not be possible in our dealings with some people. And where that is the case, where a war is unavoidable, you had better get yourself well prepared for it with prayers and using every legitimate means available. Otherwise, even though you are a true and loving child of God, you may end up becoming a war casualty.

What am I saying? If a lover that you no longer want to have anything to do with will not leave you in peace, you may have to involve those who will compel them to do so. Those may be your family members, their family members, church leaders or security agents.

Or if a lover is volatile, unstable or showing signs that they may hurt themselves because of you, don’t hesitate to inform those who need to know and even security agents, if necessary. This is so that you will not be held accountable for their blood or any harm they inflict on themselves.

Well, my prayer is that you will not find yourself in any kind of trouble, big or small, because of any love relationship, in Jesus’ name. And this is where I will end it for this hangout. Thank you everyone for you time, patience and contributions. 

But how will you know that your love relationship is sick? It is by viewing or examining it in the light of the word of God. We don’t just say that a love relationship is sick or unhealth because we feel or think it is. We say that a love relationship is sick because the word of God judges it to be sick. So, if you are going to know whether your love relationship is healthy or sick, you will have to subject it to the word of God.

The second step towards dealing with a sick love relationship is considering the nature and degree of its sickness. That is what will let you know if it can be healed or not. A love relationship with an unbeliever, for example, is not one that you should hope for its healing. That is because it should not be happening in the first place. So, instead of trying to heal it, something that may never happen, you should just end it.

Then love relationships that are sick with physical abuse, mental abuse, doctrinal differences, sexual immorality, selfishness and so forth can indeed be healed. But it all depends on the willingness of the parties involved to repent and begin to do what is right.

In any case, as I pointed out in our previous hangout, there are times that people can see that their love relationships are sick and yet they go on to carry them into marriages. And one of the reasons people do that is their observance of certain prophetic instructions, visions or dreams. How, then, do we treat such matters?

What I am saying is that supposing you started your love relationship on the basis of a prophetic revelation or vision or a dream and yet you realise that it is sick, what do you do? The first thing to do is to go back to the beginning. In other words, reflect back on the so-called revelation, vision or dream that you had and that made you start the love relationship.

Why should you do that? You should do it in order to verify if you were right to start the love relationship in the first place. Was the prophetic revelation, vision or dream that you had in line with the word of God?

See, it is not every prophecy, vision or dream that is in line with the will of God. A prophecy, dream or vision, for instance, that encourages you to marry an unbeliever is not in line with the will of God. That is because God has already made it clear in His word that the believer should marry only from the household of faith (1Cor 7:39).

Also, a prophecy, vision or dream that encourages you to marry a so-called believer whose life is not obviously bearing the fruit of the Spirit is not in line with the will of God. And it does not matter what the reputation of the one who give that prophecy, vision or dream in the church is, what they are saying must be rejected. Why? It is because the word of God tells us not to associate or even eat with any so-called believer who is sexually immoral or greedy or who is an idolater or a swindler (419 or Yahoo) or a drunkard. (Cf. 1Cor 5:9-11)

So, if someone calls himself or herself a Christian and yet is not living right, God does not expect you to have a love relationship with her. If a prophecy, vision or dream, then, is telling you that you should marry that kind of person, you should know that it is not from God.

Why did I share these things with you? I shared them with you so that you will use them to examine your love relationship and see if it has not been sick from the beginning because you chose the wrong person, that is, on the basis of a false prophecy, vision or dream. And where that is the case, where you have chosen the wrong person as your love partner, you have no business trying to heal the relationship. Just let it go, so that God can guide you into what is best for you.

But it is actually possible that you saw right and heard right about your love partner. It is possible that, at the time you were making your love decisions, the prophetic revelation, dream or vision you had was correct. Yet, at the moment, it is clear to you that your love relationship is sick and is hurting you and perhaps others too. What, then, do you do in order to uphold the will of God?

Well, the first thing to do, as I pointed out before, is to see if that relationship can be healed. But that, of course, will depend on the attitude of the person you are dealing with. Can they also see that your love life with them is sick? Or are you the only one that is aware of this?

If you are the only one that can see that your love relationship is sick, then, there is every tendency that you will not be able to heal that relationship, even if you give it a try. So, you can as well forget about it.

Then if your lover agrees with you that your love relationship is sick, are they willing to do what is in accordance with the will of God to heal it? As I told you before, it is one thing to admit that your love life is sick; it is another thing to be willing and committed to do what is right to heal it. So, is your lover willing to do what is right to heal your sick love relationship? Are they ready to repent of whatever they are doing that is making that relationship sick or are they being adamant or unrepentant?

Perhaps you are the reason your love relationship is sick and you know it. But are you willing to do the needful to heal it? If any of you is not willing and ready to do the needful to heal your sick love relationship, then, you should both forget about it. Otherwise, if you should carry it on like that into a marriage, you may end someday not just with a sick marriage but with a dead one.

Why do you think there are so many cases of divorce all over the world today? And why do we see many that are just trying to cope in their marriages? For the most part, it is because people allowed sick love relationships to end in marriages. And sick love relationship can only give birth to sick marriage. Then a sick marriage, if not healed on time, will surely die. It is only a matter of time.

So, if you don’t want this love relationship of yours to end in a dead marriage someday, you need to do what is right about it now that you are still on the road to marriage. The right thing is to deal with it, if it is sick.

Then, apart from the fact that you and your love partner must show willingness and commitment in healing your sick love relationship, if it is indeed sick, you both must also show sincerity. The word of God shows us that we must conduct all our affairs with men in the holiness and sincerity that come from God (2Cor 1:12). So, if you want to heal a sick love affair, you need to be sincere about it.

How, then, do we show that we are sincere in healing our love relationship that is sick? First, we don’t lie to ourselves about what we think or how we feel about that relationship. Tell your partner the truth about your thoughts concerning your relationship with them and don’t lie to them. And let them do the same. Yes, the truth that you need to say and hear may be bitter. But truth must be told in all honesty. Otherwise, it won’t be long before you are back to square one.

Then we need to be sincere about our devotion to doing what is necessary to heal our sick love relationship. If you don’t want to work towards healing your love relationship, then, you don’t have to. Let it go and go and start afresh with someone else. Don’t do anything to fulfil all righteousness, if your heart is not sincerely involved. Otherwise, you will just be wasting your time, your love partner’s time and the time of others who may want to see your love relationship work.

Well, where there is no willingness, readiness and sincerity on the part of any of those involved in a sick relationship to heal it, then, that relationship should be ended as peacefully as humanly possible. Even if that love relationship is founded on a genuine prophecy, vision or dream from God, as long as it is sick and cannot be healed in sincerity, it should be ended.

But will that be in line with the will of God? Yes, it will. As we see in the bible, it was God that chose and anointed Saul as king over the nation of Israel. Yet when he began to misbehave, it was also God that sent the same man that had anointed him, Samuel, to tell him that he had been rejected. And not only was he rejected, another man was also anointed in his place while he was still alive. (Cf. 1Sam 9-16)

So, the fact that God has chosen someone for you before does not mean that God cannot reject the same person, if they begin to misbehave. Look at the following words from God on how He chooses and rejects people, nations and kingdoms:

“If at any time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be uprooted, torn down and destroyed, and if that nation I warned repents of its evil, then I will relent and not inflict on it the disaster I had planned. And if at another time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be built up and planted, and if it does evil in my sight and does not obey me, then I will reconsider the good I had intended to do for it.” (Jer 18:7-10NIV)

Did you see that? God is not rigid. Yes, He does not go back on His word or change His mind, as we see in various Scriptures (Num 23:19; 1Sam 15:29). But that is only when He has made an unconditional promise to people. And He does not carelessly make unconditional promises to people. So, if He has not made an unconditional promise to you on a matter, don’t expect it Him to fulfil His word to you in spite of your behaviour.

That, of course, is what we see in that text from the book of Jeremiah. God says there that He can change His mind on the basis of people’s response to His word and His righteousness. If people do not take Him seriously, then, He will change His mind and attitude towards them, even if He has promised to do them good before. And if people take Him seriously and repent of their sins, He too will reconsider and do them good, even though He has chosen to hurt them before. Everything depends on our attitude towards Him and His instructions.

So, if someone who used to walk in the will of God suddenly starts doing their own thing, and no one is able to set them right, you don’t have to continue in a love relationship with them out of sympathy. Sympathy will not rescue you from the pains of a broken home. So, do the needful when you still can. And may God grant you all the strength and wisdom you need to do so, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

But will ending a sick love relationship be easy? That is where we will pick things up next time we meet on this platform. And I thank you all for your time, patience and contributions. God bless you. 

For a while, we have been looking at those things that could make a love relationship sick or unhealthy for those involved. And the last thing we examined on that note is lack of financial intelligence. Now I want to share some things with you on dealing with a sick love relationship.

See, it is one thing for a love relationship to be sick; it is another thing for one to know how to deal with it. And the first step in dealing with a sick or unhealthy love relationship is to admit that is unhealthy. Mind you, as I pointed out in some previous hangouts, it is not only a love relationship between a believer and an unbeliever that is sick or healthy. There are quite a number of other things that can make a love relationship sick or unhealthy.

For instance, a love relationship in which premarital sex is happening is unhealthy. Also, a love relationship in which there is physical, mental or spiritual abuse is unhealthy. Then a love relationship in which selfishness or stinginess is present is unhealthy.

What about a love relationship of people with totally different doctrinal stand? Is it healthy? It is unhealthy. Yes, it may initially look healthy or harmless. But unless one of those involved is willing to give up their doctrines for the doctrines of their partner, it is only a matter of time before they realise that they have been nurturing a sick love relationship.

Well, the point I am making is that regardless of what is responsible for a sick love relationship, those in that relationship need to first admit that it is sick. Unless they admit that it is sick, they will not see the need for them to seek its healing. They will just carry on with it as though nothing were wrong with it.

But we all know that a sick person cannot function as properly as they should in life. In fact, the only thing some sick persons can do is breathe – they cannot do anything helpful for themselves or others. They are liabilities and have to rely on others all the time for help and sustenance.

In like manner, even if a sick love relationship ends in a marriage, it remains sick and unhealthy. And this will affect its ability to function properly, depending on the nature of its sickness and how sick it is. We all can see around us all sorts dysfunctional marriages and homes. Yes, we all can see around us all kinds of marriages that are failing and hurting themselves and their society.

Why they are like that? They are like that because they are sick. And to say the fact, most of them had been sick before they started at all. It was just those in them refused to admit their situation or deal with them appropriately.

I recently listened to a lady describe the beginning and the end of the love relationship of a movie star. According to her, on a fateful day, everyone woke to find out through the internet that this actress had become hooked to a man that just abandoned his wife and also ran away with their only son. And when people began to take her to task on the matter, she told them to stop crying wolf and that, as an adult, she knew what was good for her.

Unfortunately for her, few months later, she also woke up to find out on the internet that the man had eloped again. And it all happened to her without a warning. But was that not to be expected? Was her marriage with the man healthy in the first place? No, it was not. She, however, refused to admit from the start that her love affair with that man was not healthy. So, when the sick marriage eventually died, she had no one else to blame but herself.

I shared that with you to let you know that if your love life is sick and you refuse to admit that it is sick, even if you get married with your so-called lover, a day is coming when both of you will have to face the reality of trying to maintain a sick marriage. And if care is not taken, that sick marriage may end up dying.

As you and I know, marriages are dying all around the world everyday. Some don’t even live longer than four, five or six months before dying. Why? Most of those involved refused to deal with the sicknesses of their love relationships before getting married. And if you too do the same, you may just share similar experiences.

Well, no love relationship has to stay sick, even if it is sick already. Steps can be taken towards healing it. That, of course, depends on the attention that those in it give to it. And the first thing to show that they are giving their love relationship the right attention is to admit that it is sick, if it is sick.

The second thing for lovers to do, having admitted that their love relationship is sick in some way, is to seek if it can be healed. Unfortunately, again, there have been cases of those who could see that their love relationships were not healthy and yet went on to marry their partners.

For instance, we have women that their lovers used to physically abuse them when they were still on the road to marriage. Yet they went on to marry them. And we have those that knew that their lovers were unfaithful to them and yet went on to marry them. I was even reliably told of a woman that went to visit her lover in school and he introduced her to his girlfriend as his younger sister.

Now one would expect that she would immediately say, “What! Me! Your younger sister! Are you out of your mind?” But she did not say that or turn her back on him right away. Instead, she took it in good faith and remained in the love relationship. And it is no wonder, then, that she is battling with a polygamous life right now in her home.

My question often is, “Why do people do such things to themselves?” Why will you know that your love relationship is hurting you and not do anything serious about it? Have you been bewitched, as Paul asked the Galatians?

At any rate, my point is that if you it has come to your knowledge, whether by observation, revelation or insinuation, that your love relationship is sick or unhealthy for certain reasons, don’t ignore the situation. Instead, deal with it.

How do you deal with a confirmed sick love life? First, determine the nature of its sickness and also the degree of its sickness. And how do you do that? You use the word of God.

Now you need to pay attention to what I am saying here. A love relationship is not sick merely because you think or feel it is sick. And it is not sick just because a family member, a friend or a colleague at work feels or thinks it is sick. It is not even sick because a man of God or a woman of God thinks or feels it is sick. It is sick only where the word of God says that it is sick.

So, don’t start thinking of your relationship as sick, if the word of God has not said anything against what is going on in it. In short, having that kind of thought can make a healthy love relationship sick. Being unnecessarily suspicious in your love relationship will surely make it sick. So, watch yourself in this matter. Otherwise, you may never be able to maintain any healthy relationship.

But then, if the word of God has condemned your love relationship or something that is going on in it, you have to respond accordingly. For instance, the word of God is never in support of a love relationship between a believer and an unbeliever. And that is because such a love relationship may end up ruining the faith of the believer in it. If that, then, is the nature of the sickness of your love relationship, you should not bother trying to heal it. That is because there is no guarantee that it will be healed. So, just end it.

Unfortunately, some people will want to give healing that kind of relationship a trial. And that is because they think that they will be able to change their unbelieving love partners into children of God sooner or later. But even God, who is the creator of all things and who possesses all power, has not been able to change all men into His children, in spite of all the love that He is daily showering on them. What, then, makes you think that you will be able to change a man or a woman to a child of God?

Paul asks this question, which I want you to consider: “How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1Cor 7:16NIV)

This is a question for those who are married to unbelievers to answer. And the point of it is that is there any guarantee that a believer wife or husband will be able to save their unbelieving spouse? There is none. So, don’t start what you cannot finish. Instead, end it when you still have the opportunity to do so.

Am I saying that ending that kind of love relationship will be easy? No! It all depends on how far you have gone with it. But regardless of how far you have gone with it, the moment you agree with the word of God that you are in an unhealthy and unsafe love life, you should be committed to doing whatever righteous thing you have to do to end it.

Now, again, I don’t want you to misrepresent what I am saying here. I am not saying that every sick love relationship must be ended. That is not what I am saying. Rather, what I am saying is that it is the nature of the sickness of a love relationship that will determine whether it can be healed or should be ended.

For instance, a relationship in which a lover is demanding for sex or in which sexual immorality is happening may not need to be ended. It all depends on the willingness of the two people involved to do the will of God. If your lover has been demanding for sex or pressuring you for sex, you need to remind them that what they are asking of is wrong and that they need to drop the idea.

If they listen to you and stop harassing you sexually, then, you don’t have to end your love life with them. You just need to keep yourself away from any private meeting with them and any situation that may arouse their sexual feelings or desires. And if doing that does not make them become bitter towards you, then, you know that you have succeeded in healing that relationship.

But if they will not listen to you and stop harassing you sexually, then, you should know that they may just be driven by the devil to set sex traps for you and seduce or rape you. Or if they change their attitude towards you, simply because you decide to give them some space to avoid sexual temptations, then, you should know that you may not be able to heal that love relationship.

Now, of course, you may want to involve other people that are spiritually minded and that can help both of you, if you still believe in the love relationship. And it will be wise to do that, especially if you already have a sizeable number of people that are aware of your love relationship. But if the person will not change their ways, you don’t need to waste any more time with them.

What if you are dealing with physical abuse? Do you need to seek the healing of that love relationship? Well, people’s ability to bear pains always differs. If you are one of those with great strength and endurance in bearing physical pains, you may want to seek the healing of that love relationship. And that, of course, is you are still alive after receiving your first beating. But if you are one of those who can’t bear much physical pains, then, no one will blame you, if you are not seeking the healing of an abusive love relationship.

Mind you, mental abuse and torture could sometimes be as terrible or even more terrible than physical abuse. And if that is what has made your love relationship sick, you need to follow the same process I shared above in dealing with it, if you still have faith in the love relationship. But if you no longer have faith in it, you are free to let it go. God has called us to peace. So, your aim should always be to build a peaceful love relationship. And where you can see that that is not possible, don’t waste your time with whoever is involved.

But then, someone may say, “What if it is God has put the two you together in that love relationship? Should you not endure whatever you are going through in it and look forward to God’s deliverance?” Those are valid questions. But I will not begin to answer them until next week, when we are having our next hangout.

I only want you to go home tonight with this: if your love relationship is sick in any way, you need to admit it and deal with it appropriately and adequately. Otherwise, sooner or later, the illness may result in the death of that relationship. Then you will have to deal with all that you have been running away from. But the price you, your lover and others in your lives may have to pay for that may just be too much for you to handle. So, be warned.

This is where we will end it for this hangout. Thank you very much everyone. 

We have been looking at the habits of financially intelligent people and how these can help our love relationships. And among the ones we have looked at are the fact that they don’t spend more than they earn, they don’t spend on irrelevancies, they don’t give room for waste, they look for ways to multiply their resources, they save parts of their earnings and they also invest and diversify their investments. You and your love partner will, therefore, do well to pay attention to these things so that you can apply them to your lives, now that you are not yet married. Otherwise, when you eventually get married, the lack of financial intelligence of any of you may be the reason your home will not be the place of rest and joy you have always wished and prayed it will be.

The last thing I want to share with you on the habits of financially intelligent people is that they know when to seek help. As I pointed out to you, it is not the will of God for any of us to be unduly dependent on anybody in our lives. That is why the bible says this to us: “Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.” (1Thess 4:11-12NIV)

Did you see that? One of the reasons God commands us to work is that we may gain financial independence and not be unduly dependent anybody. So, as I pointed in a previous hangout, being financially independent must be the goal of every child of God.

However, there are times that the child of God must seek help in order to be able to attain financial independence. And that is when he can see that what he is making from his work or business is not sufficient to take care of his bills or responsibilities.

Now don’t get me wrong. Seeking help in this sense is not simply about getting people to give us money to take care of our liabilities. Rather, first, it is about getting their help so that we do not sink into financial debt. Second, it is about getting their help so that we can use their help to establish ourselves in financial prosperity.

Will this kind of help always be readily available? No! Otherwise, many hardworking and diligent young men and women would have already come out of poverty and been established in prosperity. But it is important that you recognise when and where you need help and be ready to go for it.

Let me tell you the truth, there are people that will not come out poverty unless they get some tangible and consistent measure of financial support. Such people may be hard working and diligent. They may also be spiritual and highly devoted to God. But because of their social, family, economic or educational background, if their hands are not lifted up, they will never rise above the poverty level in life. And if you and your love partner fall into this category, you need to face the reality about it.

Why do ladies often want to be engaged to men that are rich or financially independent? One main reason is that they do not want to struggle financially for the remaining years of their lives. And there are young men who also function with a similar mindset. They are constantly looking for well-to-do ladies that they can hook up with and marry or defraud. Why? They know that they need help in order to become financially independent. But the problem is that they are going about getting the help they need the wrong way.

So, if you can see that your financial situation at the moment, even as a single person, is far from what it should be, you need to tell yourself the truth about it. I am not saying you should give yourself to worrying about it. That will not solve your problem but compound it. Rather, I am saying that you need to confront yourself with the truth about your financial status before you get married. That way, you will know if you need help and what sort of help you need.

In the bible story of Job, we are told of how calamites upon calamities befell him and he lost everything in one day. Then we later read from the bible that God restored him and gave twice as much as he had before. But how did God restore him? Look at how this is given to us in Scriptures:

“After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before. All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought upon him, and each one gave him a piece of silver and a gold ring.” (Job 42:10-11NIV)

Did you see that? It is Job’s brothers and sisters and all the people that knew him that God used in starting his restoration. Each of them gave him a piece of silver and a gold ring. I would not know how many people gave him these gifts. But whatever their number was, he must have received enough of things in silver and gold to start afresh.

But where were all these people when he first lost his children and possessions and also got terribly sick? Most of them were nowhere to be found. They did not show up in his life to comfort or seek his restoration. Even three of his friends that came to console him ended up hurting him the more. Why was that so? It was so to show us that unless God comforts and restores a man, no one can do these things for him.

However, when God was set to heal and restore Job, He began to open the hearts of all the people that had abandoned him to support him. So, they all began to come to his aid to truly comfort and console him and to support him with material resources in whatever ways they could.

I pray that God will send comforters and helpers your way as well. I pray that He will open the hearts of true helpers to you, so that they will give you marvellous and consistent help that will establish you in prosperity. And I also pray that He will do the same for whenever you settle down to marry, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

But your heart must be opened to know when you need support and also humble enough to seek and receive it. One of the reasons people don’t seek help, especially financial help, is pride. Of course, it is not everyone that you can or that you should approach for financial help, if you should need it. You need to pray that God will lead you to the right persons, those who will truly help you and not corrupt you or abuse you with their so-called help.

But if you need help, you need it and should admit it. And you should not let pride or fear keep you from seeking it and taking it. Remember that Jesus says, “Seek, and you will find.” In other words, there are times that we need to go out in search of God’s provisions for us in order for us to find them. It is not every provision of God that will come to us where we are, even if we are praying for it. Some will surely be brought to us at home, right in our bedroom. But some will never come to us where we are unless we go for them.

So, if you have been praying and looking up to God for financial supply in order that you may become financially independent and you are not seeing a physical manifestation of this, you may want to step out in faith, asking God to guide you to those with His supply for you. And He will surely guide you to them. But don’t sit down in pride or in fear and act as though you did need financial aid for your business or academic or some connection to get a well-paying job, when you can see that your financial status is unlikely to improve in years to come except a miracle happens. Acting like that may end up ruining your love relationship or your future home.

Mind you, there are people, especially young men, that have not been able to find anyone who will agree to marry them because of their financial status. And that is not just because they are not financially independent at the moment but also because there is nothing to show that a future with them will not be one of suffering.

See, you may not be rich or wealthy at the moment. But those around you can see that you are progressive. They can see that the steps you are taking are towards attaining financial stability. So, they will not mind associating with you or taking their chances with you. But if you are not expecting your love partner to endure your poor financial conditions, when you are not doing anything to leave those conditions, you should not be surprised if they are not ready to do so.

Now if, because of that, you see your love partner as evil or unspiritual, that is your cup of tea. And it will not change the fact that you are not progressive yet. If you, then, are not progressive, you should not expect any serious-minded person to want to stay in a love relationship with you.

Will you too want to stay in a love relationship with one that is not serious-minded? Will you want to stay in a love relationship with someone that is broke and is not doing anything righteous to get out of that condition, even if reaching out for help is what it will take?

Well, I know that there are people who will do such things for love. And there have been people who did such things for love. But that did not stop them from having a full marital life of suffering. It won’t stop you too from having the same. Yes, people can endure an entire marital life of suffering, taking it in good faith. But suffering is suffering. And if care is not taken, it will become generational.

Look also at the prodigal son. What did he do when realised that the financial trouble he had found himself in was one that he could not rescue himself from? He first admitted that he needed help. Look at how the bible puts that: “When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' So he got up and went to his father.” (Luke 15:17-20NIV)

Did you see that? The man came to his senses! In other words, for the first time after leaving home, he began to think right. And that led him to admit his need for help. Yes, he was working. He was feeding pigs. But even though he was not married at the time, he could tell that what he was getting there was not enough to sustain him. How, then, could it be enough to take care of him and a wife and with some children? There was no future in that place for him.

So, he decided that he was going to get help. And from where was he going to get it? He was going to get it from his father. Was he sure his father would give it to him? No! And that was because he had been a bad boy. But he was going to seek help anyway and trust God for favour and compassion. And when he sought help, he got it.

Also, we are told in the bible of how a widow ran to Elisha for help and got it. Why? Her late husband left a debt huge enough to make her lose their two sons behind. And this woman just knew that there was no way out for her but to get help. If she went to borrow money to pay the creditor that wanted to take her children, how was she going to pay back? She would only have postponed the day of trouble. And that was even if she found someone to lend her enough money to pay up. (Cf. 2Kings 4)

Unfortunately, what some people would do was to borrow more money to pay their debts. People like that may never be free from a life of debt. And there are many young men and women in this situation today. They have been borrowed money left, right and centre online and have gotten stuck. What do such people need? Help and not more debt!

Mind you, if you are already in a love relationship, be sure your love partner is not in any kind of debt. And they are, you should want to see what they are doing to pay back. Otherwise, your love life is already sick. And sooner or later, it will be hospitalised.

Do you know that many today do wedding on credit facilities? And after getting married, they may end up spending months or years paying back what they have borrowed. Then everyone around would be wondering why their progress is slow or why they are not being responsible to family members and friends. Some married people will even tell you that they did not know that their spouses borrowed money for their weddings. How ridiculous!

Well, my point is that you should be sure that your love partner is not in any kind of debt that will eventually become a burden to your young family, when you get married. And you too should not be in any. One way to avoid this, then, is to go for help where you need it. Pray for it. Ask for it. Seek it. Go for it. And God will honour your steps of faith.

Then when you get the help you need, don’t waste it. But be sure you go for financial help right on time, if you need it to be financially independent. And if your love partner also needs it and you yourself are not financially strong enough to give it to them, then, encourage them to also go for help. It is better you both go for whatever financial help you need at the moment before you are set to marry. It will help you build a solid future financial foundation.

We will stop here for now. I pray that God will use these few words to set you right wherever you are missing it financially, in Jesus’ name. Amen. Have a lovely week. 

In our last hangout, we looked at another habit of financially intelligent people, which is that they save. Regardless of how little or much what they earn, they understand that they must save a part of it. Why? First, it is so that they can take advantage of future opportunities to increase in resources, in knowledge or in influence. Second, it is so that they may have something to fall back on, if life’s circumstances should go bad or worse.

It is important, then, that you and your love partner emulate this attitude of financially intelligent people, so that you build your home on a solid financial foundation. I do not need to go again over the fact that many marriages are in financial mess today because when the things were high and rosy for them, they would save wisely. Then things went bad for them and they had nothing to fall back on. My prayer is that you will never be financially stranded in life. But the truth is that if you are not saving a part of your earnings now, there is no guarantee that you will not someday become financially stranded.

Now I want to give you another point on the habits of financially intelligent people, which is that they invest and also diversify their investments. Truly, financially intelligent people save. But they do more than saving money for future use; they also invest in profitable ventures.

And let me quickly say this: while it is good that we cultivate the culture of saving, money that is saved won’t automatically multiply itself. And in a bad economy, just like the one we are dealing with in Nigeria today, money is that is saved can only lose its value. That means the money you saved last year or last two years can no longer do what it could then today. That is because it has lost its value.

So, even though it is important to save for future purposes, you also have to pay attention to the trend of the economy of where you are. If it is a depreciating economy, then, it is best that you invest the bulk of your savings in some profitable ventures or in facilities that can only appreciate in value. And that is what financially intelligent people do.

Now I know you may be wondering why I am taking this seriously. I am taking it seriously because money matters are serious matters in every marriage. No, they are not the only serious matters in every marriage – there are other matters that are as serious or even more serious than money matters. But the truth is that there is no home that can run away from money matters. And I don’t want to sound like I am exaggerating things, many homes that are on fire today are on fire because of money issues.

You may say that you are not marrying because of money but because of love. And that is exactly how it should be. But love must provide sufficient money to take care of its responsibilities. Otherwise, love may not be seen as love after all.

After Job had lost his children and wealth, did his wife’s love for him not vanish? Did she not tell him to curse God and die? She did. Then what about Job’s own friends? Did he not lose their respect after all the calamities that befell him? He did! Apart from that, he himself testified that all the people that he should to support and that used to treat him with respect began to deride him. Why? Was it simply because he had lost his children? No! (Cf. Job 2 & 30)

If all that Job lost were just his children, people would console him and tell him that all would be well and that he would be able to have other children. But since he lost his wealth as well and was no longer able to support many of them as he should to, they began to mock him and to say all kinds of nonsense about him. To say the fact, there may have been those who would wish that he only lost his children and not his wealth as well, so that he would be able to support them.

What is my point? Money matters are serious matters in this world. That is why Solomon says, “A feast is made for laughter, and wine makes life merry, but money is the answer for everything.” (Eccl 10:19NIV) What is Solomon saying here? Well, maybe we should answer that question by first looking at what he is not saying. And what is he not saying? He is not saying that money is the solution to every problem in life, as many preachers have taught for centuries.

It is really funny that people can take what Solomon says here as meaning that money is the answer to every problem of life. But even life’s experiences show us that this is not true. Money can’t solve every problem of life. Money is not the solution to every problem of life. There are many wealthy people that money their money has not been able to give them sound health or happy marriages or lovely children. So, money should not be taken beyond the scope of its abilities. It has its own limitations. And they are very obvious.

However, when it comes to having parties, living a life of merriment, carrying out great and lofty projects, getting quality education or dressing gorgeously, we need money and, in fact, plenty of it. And that is what Solomon is talking about in that text. He is telling us that money is the answer to such things.

In any case, the point is that you cannot run away from money matters now or in your future home. Why are you working? It is just to obey God? No! Or is it simply to make those in your life happy with you and be able to see you as responsible? No! It is also to make money. And since you are already doing whatever you are doing to make some money, will it not be wise for you to learn whatever you can to always make enough of it? It will. Otherwise, all those people that are around you will soon enough begin to say, “But he is working,” or “She is working,” if you are unable to take care of certain responsibilities of yours.

So, you and whoever you intend to marry need to begin to pay serious attention to your financial matters now that you are not yet married. Otherwise, if you eventually get married, one of you may just throw whatever love you have for each other out of the window.

Well, I was saying that financially intelligent people invest and also diversify their investments. And I already gave you two major reasons it is important to invest your money in profitable ventures or facilities that can only appreciate in value. First, I said it is so that you do not lose your savings to devaluation. Second, it is so that you can multiply your savings. Money saved will not automatically multiply itself, if it is not put to work. That explains why people put their money in fixed accounts.

So, don’t be overly comfortable because you are saving or because you have some money in savings. Be sure that what you have in savings is not losing value by the day. If it is, you had better think of where to wisely invest and multiply it. Otherwise, you may find out someday that your savings don’t worthy a thing.

Then, in investing what you have, you need to diversify. In other words, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Look at what the bible says about that:

“Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again. Give portions to seven, yes to eight, for you do not know what disaster may come upon the land.” (Eccl 11:1-2NIV)

Another translation of these verses say:

“Invest your money in foreign trade, and one of these days you will make a profit. Put your investments in several places — many places even — because you never know what kind of bad luck you are going to have in this world.” (Eccl 11:1-2GNT)

Now, of course, there are other translations of the English bible that give the impression that these verses are talking about being generous or giving to others. But they are not talking about generosity at all. Rather, they are talking about diversifying our investments. And that is plain from the context.

Why, then, should diversify our investments? Why should we put our money in different businesses? As those bible verses tell us, it is because we do not know the kind of disaster that may come upon the place you are living in or operating from. And if all your money is invested into just a line of business, just one wave of disaster could take everything you have away from you.

It may not even be some waves of disaster that will attack your investment. It may be an introduction of an unfriendly government policy that will attack it. Or it may be a new technological invention, a new way of doing things that will attack it. And are you going to say that people should not go for something new or better because it is going to affect your investment? No! You too will just have to adjust and follow suit. And if your money or life savings have gone into just that one line of business, such attacks on it may be the beginning of the end of your financial independence or prosperity.

I once watched an interview in which a man talked about how someone lost about twenty-five thousand birds in few days, if I remember correctly. And it happened that it was everything he had that he put into poultry farming. The man narrating the account, then, said that he further asked the person involved, “How did you survive that?” And his response was that the government of his country came to his aid, when they considered the fact that he was not the only one that would be terribly affected but also the hundreds of people that were working in his farm.

Now here is the interesting part of the story: the man granting the interview then went on to say something like this to his interviewer: “What if this had happened to someone in Nigeria? Who would have cared? Who would have come to his aid? The person may just has well have run away or gone to commit suicide.” I am sure you get the gist.

So, as God is increasing you in good things and you intend to invest, diversify your investments. And teach your love partner to also do the same or to arm themselves with the same understanding. That way, when you are eventually married and you are making certain financial decisions, they will not be a clog in the wheel of your progress and vice versa.

But then, I need to also let you know that unless God preserves your investments, even if you have a thousand and one of them, they will not be safe (Ps 127:1). Job, as we see in the bible, did not put all his wealth into just one line of business. Instead, he put it into all kinds of investments. He was into livestock rearing. He was into farming. He was into trading, for he had three thousand camels. Yet in one day, because the edge of protection around him was gone, Satan attacked all his various businesses and took everything away from him. (Cf. Job 1)

So, even though it is a very smart thing for you and your love partner to learn now how to invest and also diversify your investments, something you are not too young to start doing, don’t put your confidence in your several investments. Instead put it in God. The bible is very clear about the fact that riches are uncertain and should not be relied on. Otherwise, they will surely fail us terribly. But if we rely on God, then, even if should lose our riches or wealth, God is able to give it back to us in multiple folds as He did with Job.

In our last hangout, we further looked at another habit of financially intelligent people, which is that they know that they need to be making more money than they need. Remember that I said before that financially intelligent people don’t spend more than they earn. And they can see to it that they are not spending more than they are earning by not spending on irrelevancies and by not being wasteful. But those are not enough. If they are not earning more money than they need, they may still find themselves spending more than they earn. And that is how many good and responsible people ended up in debt and in disgrace.

So, if you don’t want your future home to wallow in debt and disgrace from start to finish, keep it in mind that you and your love partner must be making more money than you need to take care of your needs and responsibilities. That way, you will see how important it is for you to open your minds to pray to God and to come up with what legitimate things you need to be doing in order to continually have more resources than you need.

Now that leads us to another habit of financially intelligent people, which is that they save. See, regardless of how little what a financially intelligent person earns, he will still endeavour to save. In other words, he will never consume everything he has.

Fine, someone may say, “How can I save from what I have, even when what I have is not enough for consumption?” Well, you can, especially since what you have is not enough for consumption. You can and you should because even if you consume all that you have, you will still not be full or satisfied. And if consuming all that you have does not make you full, will it be a bad idea to save some of it? It won’t be a bad one at all.

See, whether what you earn now is enough for consumption or not, it is important that part of it is your investment for the future. And if you should eat that part, it is a part of your future that you have eaten.

Look at this Scriptures: “Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness.” (2Cor 9:10NIV)

Who is Paul referring to in this text? God! And how does He describe Him? He describes Him as the one who supplies seed to the sower, that is the farmer, and bread for the eater. And from this we see that God’s supplies to us are meant to be used for two purposes. The first is for planting. The second is for eating.

Unfortunately, many of us in this life do not know how to differentiate that which is bread for us to eat from that which is seed for us to plant. So, most times, we eat our seed along with our bread. And when we eat our seed along with our bread, we will have nothing to plant in the future. If we, then, have nothing to plant in the future, where are we going to get the bread to eat, unless there is a miracle?

What is the point I am making? It is that it is not everything God gives to us that He expects us to consume. There is a part of the things He gives to us that He expects us to save. Why? First, as I pointed out, it is so that we may have seed to plant in the future.

Have you ever wished that you had some money to take advantage of a rare opportunity? I have had such wishes. And I must tell you that the experiences were not sweet at all. I mean it is never a sweet thing to come face to face with a rare and passing opportunity and not be able to make the most of it, simply because you have no money saved anywhere to do so.

A man once told me of how he missed an opportunity to be a house owner because he had no savings to take advantage of it. According to him, if I remember correctly, a friend of his was travelling out and wanted to dispose of a house for something around three hundred thousand naira. And when he heard that, he said ran up and down to see if he could come up with the money. But he could not meet up.

That incident, of course, seriously disturbed that man. And it disturbed him that way because his wife had nothing to help with and also showed no seriousness about the whole thing. As he further told me, when he told her about the opportunity and the effort he had made to take advantage of it, she simply responded by saying, “Well, if it is your house, you will be able to get it. And if it is not yours, just forget about it.”

Now was what wrong with what that woman said? Nothing, actually! But it hurt her husband. It hurt him because she did not lift a finger to help him in looking for money to secure the house. Evidently, she also had no savings that they could fall back on at the time. But she should, at the least, have shown some sense of seriousness in relating to her husband on the matter.

Mind you, they were living in a rented apartment at the time. And the house they were offered, according to the man, was not in some village but in a fast-growing part of their town. So, getting it would have been a huge accomplishment for them. But they lost it. And their loss of it also contributed to the collapse of their marriage.

I shared that with you to let you see how relevant to life the things I am sharing with you are. You need to be saving something from what you are earning, however small what you are earning may be. And you need to encourage your love partner to also be doing likewise, if they are not doing so yet. You know it is not all of us that are brought up to have savings. Yes, many of us have savings accounts with different banks of the country. But our so-called savings account today are nothing but consumption accounts. And we are not even being helped much by our bankers, seeing that they now allow us to operate zero balance accounts, which means that you can withdraw everything you have in your savings. That is not too good, actually.

Well, if you don’t want to be missing those rare opportunities that God will be bringing you way in life, opportunities to acquire some facilities or to build some businesses with much less resources that what is usual, learn to save some part of your earnings. To say the fact, there are opportunities that God may never bring to some people because He knows that they will ever be financially ready to utilise them. And if you are one of such people, you need to change your orientation, so that things can also change for you.

Another reason it is important you and your love partner cultivate the culture of saving is that you may have something to fall back on, if circumstances of life should become worse for any reason. We all can only speak of the times and challenges we have faced in the past or that we are currently facing; we cannot speak of the ones that we may face in the future, unless we are given some divine revelations about them. Therefore, whether we have divine revelations about the future or not, the safe thing for us to do is to have savings.

As we see in the bible, one of the things that made Joseph an outstanding leader of the Egypt of his time was his ability to save for future purposes. By divine revelation, he had told his Pharoah that there was going to be seven years of plenty in the land that would immediately be followed by another seven years of famine. And he made it clear that unless the people learnt to save adequately during their years of plenty for those years of famine, those years of famine would surely swallow them and everything they had up. (Cf. Gen 41)

Unfortunately, Joseph seemed to be the only one that truly took what he said to the people seriously. He was the only one that was seriously saving for the nation. And what was he collecting from all the farmers? A fifth of their harvest. Do you get that? He was taking from each of the farmers in the land one out of five parts of their harvest. That was a lot, or what do you think? It was! (Cf. Gen 41:34)

Yet the people gave him that fifth part of their harvest freely and without grudges. Why? Their harvest was abundant. It was so much that even Joseph stopped taking records of what he was collecting at some point (Gen 41:49). And did the people of Egypt also save for each of their household, as seriously as Joseph was doing? No!

As we further see in the bible, it was not long after the famine started that the people started coming to Joseph for food. And this time around, they were coming with their money in their hands. Then, the severer the famine became, the more money each of their families spent. Eventually, they spent all their money and began to give up their livestock and land in exchange for food. So, Joseph ended up buying all the land in Egypt for Pharoah, except the land of the priests. That way, he made Pharoah the only landlord in Egypt and, of course, the wealthiest man in the land. (Cf. Gen 41:16-26)

Now think about it. What Joseph collected from the people was more than enough to take the whole nation and even the nations around them all through those seven years of famine. In fact, it was enough for them to start planting again when the famine was over. That means, just as he collected and saved a fifth of the harvest of each of their families, if each of those families had also managed to save another one fifth of their own harvest, they would have had enough to last them through those years of famine. Then they would not have enslaved themselves to Pharaoh.

Well, all that is history now. But the point of it is that we all must learn to save a part of whatever we are earning. And the more we earn, the more we should save. Look at our country today, for example. It is difficult for many people to live well or to even do business. Why? The economy has gone terribly bad. And if you do not have tangible savings, it will be hard for you to keep your business alive or to start a business to support yourself at this time, unless you receive some miracles of supply from God.

So, you can see that this is a time for those in debt to plunged further into more debts and also for those have were not in debt before to fall into debt. And perhaps you are in debt now, I pray that God will send you all kinds of miracles of supply that will lift you out of it, in Jesus’ name.

But it is important that as God is providing for you, you keep it in mind the fact that you must be saving. Your love partner too must be saving willingly and not reluctantly. In other words, it must not only be because you are saying that they must be saving that they will be saving; it must also be because they have understood the reason it is important that they are doing so.

There are marriages that are on fire today because certain spouses only know how to consume what is coming into their homes; they do not know how to save. Some don’t even want to hear anything that sounds like ‘save’. Their own principle of living is ‘Give us this day, our daily bread’. But what when God gives you more than your daily bread, should you still consume tomorrow’s bread today?

Well, people who reason like that will surely put their family in financial mess, if their spouses are not wise enough to prevent their excesses. And that is actually the case with some families today. If you, then, do not want your future home to be like theirs, start educating your love partner properly on the relevance of saving for future purposes. And if they are not interested, then, you may want to reconsider your stand in that love relationship.

As I said before, all financially intelligent persons save for future purposes. In fact, sometimes, they will rather borrow to take care of their businesses than to use their savings or investment. Why? They never want to find themselves in any situation where they will be utterly stranded financially. And may you also never find yourself there, in Jesus’ name. But praying alone may not be enough to make that happen. You also have to take proactive steps to keep you from being financially stranded in any situation.

Now, in closing, I must let you know that it is only what God saves for you that you will be able to save. So, while you need to truly have it in mind to always save a part of what you earn, you must also never forget that unless the Lord builds the house, the labourers labour in vain. I pray that you will never labour in vain, in Jesus’ name. 

In our last hangout, we further looked at another habit of financially intelligent people, which is that they know that they need to be making more money than they need. Remember that I said before that financially intelligent people don’t spend more than they earn. And they can see to it that they are not spending more than they are earning by not spending on irrelevancies and by not being wasteful. But those are not enough. If they are not earning more money than they need, they may still find themselves spending more than they earn. And that is how many good and responsible people ended up in debt and in disgrace.

So, if you don’t want your future home to wallow in debt and disgrace from start to finish, keep it in mind that you and your love partner must be making more money than you need to take care of your needs and responsibilities. That way, you will see how important it is for you to open your minds to pray to God and to come up with what legitimate things you need to be doing in order to continually have more resources than you need.

Now that leads us to another habit of financially intelligent people, which is that they save. See, regardless of how little what a financially intelligent person earns, he will still endeavour to save. In other words, he will never consume everything he has.

Fine, someone may say, “How can I save from what I have, even when what I have is not enough for consumption?” Well, you can, especially since what you have is not enough for consumption. You can and you should because even if you consume all that you have, you will still not be full or satisfied. And if consuming all that you have does not make you full, will it be a bad idea to save some of it? It won’t be a bad one at all.

See, whether what you earn now is enough for consumption or not, it is important that part of it is your investment for the future. And if you should eat that part, it is a part of your future that you have eaten.

Look at this Scriptures: “Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness.” (2Cor 9:10NIV)

Who is Paul referring to in this text? God! And how does He describe Him? He describes Him as the one who supplies seed to the sower, that is the farmer, and bread for the eater. And from this we see that God’s supplies to us are meant to be used for two purposes. The first is for planting. The second is for eating.

Unfortunately, many of us in this life do not know how to differentiate that which is bread for us to eat from that which is seed for us to plant. So, most times, we eat our seed along with our bread. And when we eat our seed along with our bread, we will have nothing to plant in the future. If we, then, have nothing to plant in the future, where are we going to get the bread to eat, unless there is a miracle?

What is the point I am making? It is that it is not everything God gives to us that He expects us to consume. There is a part of the things He gives to us that He expects us to save. Why? First, as I pointed out, it is so that we may have seed to plant in the future.

Have you ever wished that you had some money to take advantage of a rare opportunity? I have had such wishes. And I must tell you that the experiences were not sweet at all. I mean it is never a sweet thing to come face to face with a rare and passing opportunity and not be able to make the most of it, simply because you have no money saved anywhere to do so.

A man once told me of how he missed an opportunity to be a house owner because he had no savings to take advantage of it. According to him, if I remember correctly, a friend of his was travelling out and wanted to dispose of a house for something around three hundred thousand naira. And when he heard that, he said ran up and down to see if he could come up with the money. But he could not meet up.

That incident, of course, seriously disturbed that man. And it disturbed him that way because his wife had nothing to help with and also showed no seriousness about the whole thing. As he further told me, when he told her about the opportunity and the effort he had made to take advantage of it, she simply responded by saying, “Well, if it is your house, you will be able to get it. And if it is not yours, just forget about it.”

Now was what wrong with what that woman said? Nothing, actually! But it hurt her husband. It hurt him because she did not lift a finger to help him in looking for money to secure the house. Evidently, she also had no savings that they could fall back on at the time. But she should, at the least, have shown some sense of seriousness in relating to her husband on the matter.

Mind you, they were living in a rented apartment at the time. And the house they were offered, according to the man, was not in some village but in a fast-growing part of their town. So, getting it would have been a huge accomplishment for them. But they lost it. And their loss of it also contributed to the collapse of their marriage.

I shared that with you to let you see how relevant to life the things I am sharing with you are. You need to be saving something from what you are earning, however small what you are earning may be. And you need to encourage your love partner to also be doing likewise, if they are not doing so yet. You know it is not all of us that are brought up to have savings. Yes, many of us have savings accounts with different banks of the country. But our so-called savings account today are nothing but consumption accounts. And we are not even being helped much by our bankers, seeing that they now allow us to operate zero balance accounts, which means that you can withdraw everything you have in your savings. That is not too good, actually.

Well, if you don’t want to be missing those rare opportunities that God will be bringing you way in life, opportunities to acquire some facilities or to build some businesses with much less resources that what is usual, learn to save some part of your earnings. To say the fact, there are opportunities that God may never bring to some people because He knows that they will ever be financially ready to utilise them. And if you are one of such people, you need to change your orientation, so that things can also change for you.

Another reason it is important you and your love partner cultivate the culture of saving is that you may have something to fall back on, if circumstances of life should become worse for any reason. We all can only speak of the times and challenges we have faced in the past or that we are currently facing; we cannot speak of the ones that we may face in the future, unless we are given some divine revelations about them. Therefore, whether we have divine revelations about the future or not, the safe thing for us to do is to have savings.

As we see in the bible, one of the things that made Joseph an outstanding leader of the Egypt of his time was his ability to save for future purposes. By divine revelation, he had told his Pharoah that there was going to be seven years of plenty in the land that would immediately be followed by another seven years of famine. And he made it clear that unless the people learnt to save adequately during their years of plenty for those years of famine, those years of famine would surely swallow them and everything they had up. (Cf. Gen 41)

Unfortunately, Joseph seemed to be the only one that truly took what he said to the people seriously. He was the only one that was seriously saving for the nation. And what was he collecting from all the farmers? A fifth of their harvest. Do you get that? He was taking from each of the farmers in the land one out of five parts of their harvest. That was a lot, or what do you think? It was! (Cf. Gen 41:34)

Yet the people gave him that fifth part of their harvest freely and without grudges. Why? Their harvest was abundant. It was so much that even Joseph stopped taking records of what he was collecting at some point (Gen 41:49). And did the people of Egypt also save for each of their household, as seriously as Joseph was doing? No!

As we further see in the bible, it was not long after the famine started that the people started coming to Joseph for food. And this time around, they were coming with their money in their hands. Then, the severer the famine became, the more money each of their families spent. Eventually, they spent all their money and began to give up their livestock and land in exchange for food. So, Joseph ended up buying all the land in Egypt for Pharoah, except the land of the priests. That way, he made Pharoah the only landlord in Egypt and, of course, the wealthiest man in the land. (Cf. Gen 41:16-26)

Now think about it. What Joseph collected from the people was more than enough to take the whole nation and even the nations around them all through those seven years of famine. In fact, it was enough for them to start planting again when the famine was over. That means, just as he collected and saved a fifth of the harvest of each of their families, if each of those families had also managed to save another one fifth of their own harvest, they would have had enough to last them through those years of famine. Then they would not have enslaved themselves to Pharaoh.

Well, all that is history now. But the point of it is that we all must learn to save a part of whatever we are earning. And the more we earn, the more we should save. Look at our country today, for example. It is difficult for many people to live well or to even do business. Why? The economy has gone terribly bad. And if you do not have tangible savings, it will be hard for you to keep your business alive or to start a business to support yourself at this time, unless you receive some miracles of supply from God.

So, you can see that this is a time for those in debt to plunged further into more debts and also for those have were not in debt before to fall into debt. And perhaps you are in debt now, I pray that God will send you all kinds of miracles of supply that will lift you out of it, in Jesus’ name.

But it is important that as God is providing for you, you keep it in mind the fact that you must be saving. Your love partner too must be saving willingly and not reluctantly. In other words, it must not only be because you are saying that they must be saving that they will be saving; it must also be because they have understood the reason it is important that they are doing so.

There are marriages that are on fire today because certain spouses only know how to consume what is coming into their homes; they do not know how to save. Some don’t even want to hear anything that sounds like ‘save’. Their own principle of living is ‘Give us this day, our daily bread’. But what when God gives you more than your daily bread, should you still consume tomorrow’s bread today?

Well, people who reason like that will surely put their family in financial mess, if their spouses are not wise enough to prevent their excesses. And that is actually the case with some families today. If you, then, do not want your future home to be like theirs, start educating your love partner properly on the relevance of saving for future purposes. And if they are not interested, then, you may want to reconsider your stand in that love relationship.

As I said before, all financially intelligent persons save for future purposes. In fact, sometimes, they will rather borrow to take care of their businesses than to use their savings or investment. Why? They never want to find themselves in any situation where they will be utterly stranded financially. And may you also never find yourself there, in Jesus’ name. But praying alone may not be enough to make that happen. You also have to take proactive steps to keep you from being financially stranded in any situation.

Now, in closing, I must let you know that it is only what God saves for you that you will be able to save. So, while you need to truly have it in mind to always save a part of what you earn, you must also never forget that unless the Lord builds the house, the labourers labour in vain. I pray that you will never labour in vain, in Jesus’ name. 

We have been looking at the need for those who are into love relationships to possess financial intelligence in the right measure. Otherwise, their lack of it may the very thing that will ruin their future homes. There are many homes that are on the verge of collapse today because of money matters and other related things. So, while talks about financial intelligence may not appear to be important to you, sooner or later you will see that they are important. And my prayer is that you would never find yourself in a situation where you would wish you had paid attention to what I am sharing with you now.

Well, in our last hangout, we continued to look at habits of financially intelligent people. And our focus was on the fact that financially intelligent people are not wasteful. So, don’t be wasteful. Then be sure that your love partner is not wasteful. Otherwise, you will be spending more on certain things than you are supposed to be spending. And that may be the reason your income is not enough to take care of your needs and responsibilities.

See, when you get married, your needs and responsibilities can only increase. And it is important that you start dealing that reality now. There are things that you can afford not to spend money on now. And you will still be fine. But when you get married, there is an extent to which you cannot ration your money or resources and not get into trouble. You just have to spend money on certain things at that time, whether you like it or not.

Therefore, it is important you learn, now that you are not married, how to manage your resources in such a way that they will be enough for you to deal with all your needs and responsibilities. And one of the ways to do that is to eliminate wastefulness and to also encourage your love partner to do likewise.

Remember that the word of God says that two people cannot walk together unless they have agreed to do so (Amos 3:3). This agreement goes beyond the verbal agreement between you and your lover that you will marry each other. You also need to agree in principle. Otherwise, even if you force yourselves to marry each other, your disagreement in principle may the very thing that will prevent your marriage from standing.

So, if you are not wasteful but your love partner is, you are not in agreement. And that disagreement between the two of you will sooner or later become obvious, if you should get married. Who, then, knows what sort of chaos it may bring about in your future home? Only God! So, be sure the two of you are on the same page about this before you go any further in your love relationship. Otherwise, you may want to begin to reconsider your stand in that relationship.

But then, while it is important not to give room for wastefulness in your life and in the life of your lover, you should not that it is not enough to make enough resources available for you to run your affairs. Again, remember that I said that one of the main attributes of financially intelligent people is that they do not spend more than they earn. But that is only possible if you are earning enough. If you are not earning enough, you will most likely find yourself spending more than you earn, even if you are not wasteful and are not spending on irrelevancies. Otherwise, you may end up hurting yourself and even others in your life.

So, you need to be making more money than you need. And that is also one of the habits of financially intelligent people. They know that if they will not be spending more money than they are earning and put themselves in financial trouble, then, they must be earning more than they need. This, of course, does not mean that every financially intelligent person is already making more money than they are earning. Rather, it means that making more money than they earn is a goal for them.

But is the word of God in support of this? Yes, it is. Look at the Scriptures, for instance:

“Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.” (1Thess 4:11-12NIV)

Did you see that? It must be your ambition as a child of God to live a quiet life and not a noisy one. It must also be your ambition to mind your own business and to be involved in a legitimate labour. Why? First, it is so that your daily life may win the respect of those around you. If you have no job that you are doing, there are many who won’t take you seriously or treat you with respect, even if you are as wise as Solomon.

So, even if you have not been able to secure a job in a formal organisation, find something to do. Solomon says whatsoever your hands find to do, do it with all your might (Ecc 9:10). In other words, inasmuch as that job is legitimate in the eyes of God and also in the eyes of men, go for it, instead of hanging around everyday doing nothing.

Second, you are to involved in a legitimate labour so that you will not be dependent on anybody. We all started out being dependent on our parents, siblings, uncles, aunties, teachers, neighbours and so forth. But the older we get the less dependent on others we are expected to be. Of course, none of us can be entirely independent of others, for God did not create life to be that way. However, each of us can avoid being unduly dependent on those in our lives.

But we will surely be unduly dependent on others, if we have no job doing or if the job we are doing is not earning us enough money. And the will of God for us is that we will not be unduly dependent on anybody. The will of God is that we will all get to that point in our lives where we do not have to wait for our parents, siblings, friends, colleagues at work or church brethren before we can take care of our basic needs and responsibilities in life. Therefore, it is not enough for us to be working hard; it is also important that whatever work we are doing is earning us more money than we need to spend.

Now is your current job earning you more money than you need to spend? Remember that you need to have a fair knowledge of how much you need to be spending every week or every month. That way, you will be able to tell whether what you now earn is enough for you or not.

In any case, if your current job is not earning you more money than you need to take of your bills or responsibilities, you need to begin to consider what to do in addition to it. Yes, of course, there are times that it may be okay for us to just quit certain jobs altogether, so that we focus our skills and energy on what is more profitable. But quitting a job that is making some money available for you, when you have nothing else to fall back on, may be quite a foolish thing to do. And only few people ever did that without regretting it.

So, I am not counselling that you should quit your job because it is not making enough money available for you to take care of your needs. Rather, I am asking you to do an honest assessment of your financial situation. I am asking you to see what honest things you need to do in order not to be unduly dependent on anyone, even your love partner.

See, the fact that your love partner is making more money than you does not mean you have to turn yourself into a liability in their lives, even if you are the woman. If you find it convenient to make yourself a liability to your lover, now that you are not married, don’t you think making yourself a liability to them when you are eventually married will come naturally?

I am not saying you should not receive assistance or support at all from your love partner. Why, then, are you love partners, if you cannot support each other? But whatever assistance you are getting from them now should be something you will use to make yourself financially independent of them, sooner or later. In other words, don’t take assistance from them to spend on irrelevancies or non-essentials. No, don’t take assistance from them to spend on liabilities. Instead, use whatever assistance you get from them to promote your financial growth. That way, both of you will be able to build a strong financial base for your future home.

Well, the point I am making is that you need to determine that you will not be a financial liability to anyone for life. Then you need to begin to take proactive steps towards making that happen by finding out what legitimate things you can do in order to earn more than you need. This, of course, may take you some time to figure out. But if you will talk to God wholeheartedly about it, He will open your eyes to see what to do.

So, if you are not earning more than you need at the moment, don’t settle for that situation. And if your love partner is also not earning more than they need at the moment, let them know that they cannot settle for that situation. That is because that is not the will of God for you. And because it is not the will of God for you, both of you need to start lovingly thinking and working together on what to do to be in His will for your lives and your future home.

That, I tell you, is one of the beauties of being in a love relationship. That was what Adam enjoyed with Eve when God first brought her to him. They both were reasoning, planning and working together in locating God’s provisions for them here on earth and taking possession of them.

I am going to tell you this, then: if you and your love partner are not actively reasoning together, planning your lives together and working out your successes together, your love life is sick and in need of healing. You are supposed to be supporting each other by thinking together, planning together and working together towards building a great future marriage. And if this is not happening and if all you are having together are small talks and eatery refreshments, you are both wasting your time. Unfortunately, you won’t know bad that is until you get married and you start realising that you have nothing to offer each other.

So, both of you should wake up and begin to build your lives together right away. Is your lover not earning enough now? Then begin to pray about it and to also seriously discuss how to turn that situation around. And are you the one not earning enough at the moment, make it a serious subject of discussion with your lover? Doing this, of course, may not immediately change your situation. But it will let you know the strength of the team you and your lover are building or whether you are building any team at all.

It is unfortunate, however, that most of those in love relationships don’t reason like this at all. What they are often concerned about is having the minimum requirements to do a wedding and start a home. But what is going to happen afterwards? They hardly care. The usual belief is that they will know how to cross the river when they get there. But many have lived and died by river banks, never being able to cross them to the land of their marital dreams. That was because those involved never learned to think, plan and work together.

But your own love story does not have to end in that manner. And it will not end in that manner, if you and your love will begin to think, plan and work together on those things that matter in your love life. I pray that God will fill you sufficient understanding and strength to do so, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

In recent times, we have been looking at the relevance of financial intelligence to our love lives. And we are looking at this because money matters are among the major causes of problems in homes. So, the earlier you learn the right approach to dealing with these matters before getting married the better for you.

Yes, you are free to ignore or avoid money matters in your love relationship. You are free to act as though they were unimportant. But sooner or later, you will have to deal with the reality about them. And that is when you will know that they are unavoidable.

Well, the point I have been making all along is that both you and your lover need to be financially intelligent, if you will not financially hurt yourselves or your home someday. And one of the things that will show that either or both of you are financially intelligent is your devotion to not spend more than you earn.

But then, as I equally pointed out, it will be hard for you not to spend more than you earn, if what you earn is not enough to take of your duties and needs. So, you need to have a clear idea of how much you need to earn or make in order to be able to take care of your basic needs and responsibilities. If you don’t need this and are not yet making any effort to know it, you are not financially intelligent.

Even if you always have enough money to spend in taking care of your needs and responsibilities and you don’t know how much you truly need to take care of these things, you are still not financially intelligent. That is because you cannot tell whether you are being wasteful or not.

So, be sure to have a clear estimation of the amount of money you truly need to make all ends meet every month or week in your life. And be sure that your love partner also does this same. That way, you both will be laying a good financial foundation for your future home.

Then, as I also taught you before, in order not to spend more than you are earning, regardless of how little your earnings may be, learn to go for worthy alternatives. It is good to have a high taste. But if you do not have the resources to maintain your high taste, whether it is fashion taste, food taste, electronics taste or car taste, you will most likely ruin yourself through debt, theft, money rituals or prostitution in order to maintain that high taste.

Therefore, until you have sufficient money to maintain your high taste without neglecting other important things in your life, learn to go for alternatives that will not plunge you into debt. And you need to pay attention to this in the life of whoever you want to marry too. What is the level of their taste? And how are they handling it? It will tell whether you both will have a future home that is financially independent or not.

Furthermore, in order to see that you are not spending more than you earn, you must cut off all spending on irrelevancies. What are irrelevancies? They are things you can do without. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that you should not enjoy yourself. At least, you have only one life to live. And you should enjoy it to the full. But at what cost? That is something that you should always consider as well, when you are thinking of enjoyment.

The bible says, “Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him — for this is his lot.” (Eccl 5:18NIV)

Did you see that? God is not against your happiness. He is not against the enjoyment of your life and of the fruit of your labour. But your eating, drinking and buying of the good things of this life should not plunge you into debt or make you become irresponsible in life.

I knew a man that always wanted to appear elegant and good looking. But when matters that concerned the schools of his children or other things in the home were raised, he would start a quarrel with his wife. Why? He only wanted to use the money he was making to eat good food and dress elegantly. That is irresponsibility.

As I said before, nothing is wrong with eating delicacies and begin elegant in dressing. But at what cost? You have money to visit eateries every day but do not have money to pay your house rent or to further your education. You have money to buy the latest I-phone but you still have to borrow to pay your house rent. Don’t you think something is wrong with you somewhere?

Well, my point is that a financially intelligent person does not spend money on irrelevancies. So, don’t spend your money on irrelevancies anymore. Don’t spend your money on anything that you can do without. This will allow you to focus your spending on those things that are really important to your life and your future. Otherwise, you will go into your marriage with that same mindset and begin to think that your partner is wicked and uncaring, if they will not support or encourage your foolish spending.

A woman once told me to help talk to her husband about an attitude of his that must be corrected. And what was that attitude? It was that of spending on irrelevancies. According to her, once he made some money from his business, all kinds of ideas of what to spend the money on would start coming into his head. So, he may just come home with a new mobile phone for her, not even for himself. And though, on the one hand, she would be grateful for his love and care, on the other hand, she would be angry that he just wasted their money on something she could do without.

In fact, as she further pointed out, on a number of occasions, she had needed to tell him what other important things they could have used the money he had used to buy a phone or a pair of shoes for. And his response was often something like, “Oh, I did not even reason along that line.”

So, you can see that if you do not deal with any wrong attitude that you or your partner has towards the use of money before getting married, it may end up the thing that will keep you in perpetual poverty. And one of such attitudes you must deal with is spending money on just anything that comes to your mind. It is not everything that comes to your mind that you need to spend your money on. Rather, it is those things that are real needs and responsibilities that you should spend your money on. And you need to see to it that both you and your partner are on the same page about this. Otherwise, you may want to begin to reconsider your stand in that love relationship.

Of course, when we are talking about our real needs and responsibilities, we also need to be careful that we are not being sentimental about them. What I mean is that we may consider certain things to be our needs, when they are not really our needs. And we may also take on ourselves responsibilities that are not ours to bear.

So, those who want to marry need to help themselves along these lines, without allowing prejudice or sentiments to cloud their judgments. And if your lover is pointing out to you certain flaws or errors in your financial reasoning or judgment, you should patiently examine what they are telling you instead of allowing pride to get in the way of true learning. Otherwise, you may not find anyone else that will tell you the truth you need to know.

When my younger brother was doing his youth service, he would contact me sometimes for support. And I did not see anything bad in supporting him in whatever way I could. But one day, my father heard about it and said something like this: “When you were doing your youth service, who was sending you money? Did you not sort yourself out? Let him also sort himself out as a man.”

What was my day saying indirectly? It was that I should not put on myself a responsibility that was not mine to carry. But supposing it was my fiancée that had said that to me, sentiments may not have allowed him to reason with her. Yet she would have been saying the truth.

So, before you start getting angry with your lover for pointing out certain things that they consider to be an error in the way you spend money or use resources, calm down to carefully examine what they are showing you. Is it possible for a lover to allow selfishness to cloud their judgment in matters like this? Yes, it is. But before you conclude that your love is selfish and won’t want you to be giving things to your family members, first carefully look at the merits of whatever they are telling you about the error in the way you use your resources. Doing that may just be the difference between a maritime lifetime of poverty or of prosperity for you.

Also, in taking care of your needs and responsibilities, how much do you put into them? A financially intelligent person will also consider that. There are needs, for instances, that are not immediate or urgent. So, you can save in bits for them. That way, you will not be putting yourself under undue financial pressure.

For instance, is having a refrigerator in your house a true need or a mere luxury, in today’s world? It is a true need. There are, in fact, things having one will save you some money on. But then, if you are not going to be using it for business purposes, should see it as an urgent need? No! Therefore, you don’t need to put yourself under any financial pressure because of it. You can save in bits for to buy one, if you are not earning enough to purchase one at a go and still be able to take care of your other needs.

Also, is supporting your parents or siblings a true responsibility? It is! But how much are you to put into supporting? That depends on how much you yourself earn. You cannot give anybody what you do not have. You can only give as much as you have. And if you use all that you have to support your family, how will you take care of other responsibilities of yours? Then even if you use all that you have to support them, will all their needs have been met?

The point I am making, then, is that in supporting those that you are truly responsible for, you should support them on the basis of what you have and not what you do not have. And you should not use the support you are giving them as your excuse for being irresponsible to other people you are also responsible for. Otherwise, you will carry the same attitude into your marriage and it may be the very thing that will scatter it. Then you will have yourself to blame for not following God’s counsel that tells us that whatever gift or support we give to people is acceptable to Him, based on what we have and not based on what we do not have. (Cf. 2Cor 8:12)

Today, many families are in deep financial mess because of their ignorance of simple things like these. I mean that there are families that both the husband and the wife don’t have anything to take home at the end of every month because all their moneys have gone into servicing debts. And that is not because they are wasteful, something that we will still come to, but because they are biting more than they can chew. They are involved in all kinds of family projects that do not require their urgent attention or deep commitment. So, things that are of immediate attention like the school fees of their children, house rent, health care and so forth are suffering.

You can see, then, that the things I am sharing with you here are real. They are things that are happening all around us every day. Some of us have even experienced them in our homes and with our parents or guardians. Yet we hardly pay attention to them. So, the chances are high that we too will become victims of the same errors. It is only a matter of time.

Well, I am sharing all this with you because I don’t want you and your love partner to become victims of such things. You will do well, then, to pay close attention to what I am saying. We will continue from here next week, if Jesus tarries. Thank you everyone for your time, patience and contributions. 

In recent times, we have been looking at the relevance of financial intelligence to our love lives. And we are looking at this because money matters are among the major causes of problems in homes. So, the earlier you learn the right approach to dealing with these matters before getting married the better for you.

Yes, you are free to ignore or avoid money matters in your love relationship. You are free to act as though they were unimportant. But sooner or later, you will have to deal with the reality about them. And that is when you will know that they are unavoidable.

Well, the point I have been making all along is that both you and your lover need to be financially intelligent, if you will not financially hurt yourselves or your home someday. And one of the things that will show that either or both of you are financially intelligent is your devotion to not spend more than you earn.

But then, as I equally pointed out, it will be hard for you not to spend more than you earn, if what you earn is not enough to take of your duties and needs. So, you need to have a clear idea of how much you need to earn or make in order to be able to take care of your basic needs and responsibilities. If you don’t need this and are not yet making any effort to know it, you are not financially intelligent.

Even if you always have enough money to spend in taking care of your needs and responsibilities and you don’t know how much you truly need to take care of these things, you are still not financially intelligent. That is because you cannot tell whether you are being wasteful or not.

So, be sure to have a clear estimation of the amount of money you truly need to make all ends meet every month or week in your life. And be sure that your love partner also does this same. That way, you both will be laying a good financial foundation for your future home.

Then, as I also taught you before, in order not to spend more than you are earning, regardless of how little your earnings may be, learn to go for worthy alternatives. It is good to have a high taste. But if you do not have the resources to maintain your high taste, whether it is fashion taste, food taste, electronics taste or car taste, you will most likely ruin yourself through debt, theft, money rituals or prostitution in order to maintain that high taste.

Therefore, until you have sufficient money to maintain your high taste without neglecting other important things in your life, learn to go for alternatives that will not plunge you into debt. And you need to pay attention to this in the life of whoever you want to marry too. What is the level of their taste? And how are they handling it? It will tell whether you both will have a future home that is financially independent or not.

Furthermore, in order to see that you are not spending more than you earn, you must cut off all spending on irrelevancies. What are irrelevancies? They are things you can do without. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that you should not enjoy yourself. At least, you have only one life to live. And you should enjoy it to the full. But at what cost? That is something that you should always consider as well, when you are thinking of enjoyment.

The bible says, “Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him — for this is his lot.” (Eccl 5:18NIV)

Did you see that? God is not against your happiness. He is not against the enjoyment of your life and of the fruit of your labour. But your eating, drinking and buying of the good things of this life should not plunge you into debt or make you become irresponsible in life.

I knew a man that always wanted to appear elegant and good looking. But when matters that concerned the schools of his children or other things in the home were raised, he would start a quarrel with his wife. Why? He only wanted to use the money he was making to eat good food and dress elegantly. That is irresponsibility.

As I said before, nothing is wrong with eating delicacies and begin elegant in dressing. But at what cost? You have money to visit eateries every day but do not have money to pay your house rent or to further your education. You have money to buy the latest I-phone but you still have to borrow to pay your house rent. Don’t you think something is wrong with you somewhere?

Well, my point is that a financially intelligent person does not spend money on irrelevancies. So, don’t spend your money on irrelevancies anymore. Don’t spend your money on anything that you can do without. This will allow you to focus your spending on those things that are really important to your life and your future. Otherwise, you will go into your marriage with that same mindset and begin to think that your partner is wicked and uncaring, if they will not support or encourage your foolish spending.

A woman once told me to help talk to her husband about an attitude of his that must be corrected. And what was that attitude? It was that of spending on irrelevancies. According to her, once he made some money from his business, all kinds of ideas of what to spend the money on would start coming into his head. So, he may just come home with a new mobile phone for her, not even for himself. And though, on the one hand, she would be grateful for his love and care, on the other hand, she would be angry that he just wasted their money on something she could do without.

In fact, as she further pointed out, on a number of occasions, she had needed to tell him what other important things they could have used the money he had used to buy a phone or a pair of shoes for. And his response was often something like, “Oh, I did not even reason along that line.”

So, you can see that if you do not deal with any wrong attitude that you or your partner has towards the use of money before getting married, it may end up the thing that will keep you in perpetual poverty. And one of such attitudes you must deal with is spending money on just anything that comes to your mind. It is not everything that comes to your mind that you need to spend your money on. Rather, it is those things that are real needs and responsibilities that you should spend your money on. And you need to see to it that both you and your partner are on the same page about this. Otherwise, you may want to begin to reconsider your stand in that love relationship.

Of course, when we are talking about our real needs and responsibilities, we also need to be careful that we are not being sentimental about them. What I mean is that we may consider certain things to be our needs, when they are not really our needs. And we may also take on ourselves responsibilities that are not ours to bear.

So, those who want to marry need to help themselves along these lines, without allowing prejudice or sentiments to cloud their judgments. And if your lover is pointing out to you certain flaws or errors in your financial reasoning or judgment, you should patiently examine what they are telling you instead of allowing pride to get in the way of true learning. Otherwise, you may not find anyone else that will tell you the truth you need to know.

When my younger brother was doing his youth service, he would contact me sometimes for support. And I did not see anything bad in supporting him in whatever way I could. But one day, my father heard about it and said something like this: “When you were doing your youth service, who was sending you money? Did you not sort yourself out? Let him also sort himself out as a man.”

What was my day saying indirectly? It was that I should not put on myself a responsibility that was not mine to carry. But supposing it was my fiancée that had said that to me, sentiments may not have allowed him to reason with her. Yet she would have been saying the truth.

So, before you start getting angry with your lover for pointing out certain things that they consider to be an error in the way you spend money or use resources, calm down to carefully examine what they are showing you. Is it possible for a lover to allow selfishness to cloud their judgment in matters like this? Yes, it is. But before you conclude that your love is selfish and won’t want you to be giving things to your family members, first carefully look at the merits of whatever they are telling you about the error in the way you use your resources. Doing that may just be the difference between a maritime lifetime of poverty or of prosperity for you.

Also, in taking care of your needs and responsibilities, how much do you put into them? A financially intelligent person will also consider that. There are needs, for instances, that are not immediate or urgent. So, you can save in bits for them. That way, you will not be putting yourself under undue financial pressure.

For instance, is having a refrigerator in your house a true need or a mere luxury, in today’s world? It is a true need. There are, in fact, things having one will save you some money on. But then, if you are not going to be using it for business purposes, should see it as an urgent need? No! Therefore, you don’t need to put yourself under any financial pressure because of it. You can save in bits for to buy one, if you are not earning enough to purchase one at a go and still be able to take care of your other needs.

Also, is supporting your parents or siblings a true responsibility? It is! But how much are you to put into supporting? That depends on how much you yourself earn. You cannot give anybody what you do not have. You can only give as much as you have. And if you use all that you have to support your family, how will you take care of other responsibilities of yours? Then even if you use all that you have to support them, will all their needs have been met?

The point I am making, then, is that in supporting those that you are truly responsible for, you should support them on the basis of what you have and not what you do not have. And you should not use the support you are giving them as your excuse for being irresponsible to other people you are also responsible for. Otherwise, you will carry the same attitude into your marriage and it may be the very thing that will scatter it. Then you will have yourself to blame for not following God’s counsel that tells us that whatever gift or support we give to people is acceptable to Him, based on what we have and not based on what we do not have. (Cf. 2Cor 8:12)

Today, many families are in deep financial mess because of their ignorance of simple things like these. I mean that there are families that both the husband and the wife don’t have anything to take home at the end of every month because all their moneys have gone into servicing debts. And that is not because they are wasteful, something that we will still come to, but because they are biting more than they can chew. They are involved in all kinds of family projects that do not require their urgent attention or deep commitment. So, things that are of immediate attention like the school fees of their children, house rent, health care and so forth are suffering.

You can see, then, that the things I am sharing with you here are real. They are things that are happening all around us every day. Some of us have even experienced them in our homes and with our parents or guardians. Yet we hardly pay attention to them. So, the chances are high that we too will become victims of the same errors. It is only a matter of time.

Well, I am sharing all this with you because I don’t want you and your love partner to become victims of such things. You will do well, then, to pay close attention to what I am saying. We will continue from here next week, if Jesus tarries. Thank you everyone for your time, patience and contributions. 

In our last hangout, we began to talk about financial intelligence and the need for lovers who intend to marry themselves to be sure to possess it. As I pointed out then, financial intelligence is simply the ability to consistently manage the resources you have, however little they may be, to take care of your basic needs and responsibilities and to also become financially independent. And one of the things that will show that you are financially intelligent is that you will not be spending more than you earn.

Can someone really spend more than they earn? Yes! In fact, many all around the world are spending more than they earn. How is that possible? Some borrow in order to be able to do so. And those who do that are already eating their future before it comes.

Then some live on charity. In other words, they have people who share their resources with them so that they can live well. And to say the fact, it is not wrong for some people to live on charity or the support of others. For instance, it is not wrong for elderly people, who have spent all their lives working and training their kids and perhaps others, to live on charity. Even the word of God tells us that God is pleased with such. (Cf. 1Tim 5:3-10)

So, don’t think consider the support you give your parents or elders around you as an evil burden. It is something that pleases God. It is something that shows that your faith in Christ Jesus is genuine. And it is something that God is going to reward you for.

Also, it is not wrong for preachers of the word of God to live on charity. That is because the word of God commands that those who preach the gospel should live by doing so. It also commands that those who are taught the word of God should share all good things with their teacher. That is because those preaching the gospel are also working. It is just that their work is basically spiritual. And since they are doing it on behalf of God, He wants those of us who are beneficiaries of what they are doing to support them on His behalf. (Cf. 1Cor 9:14; Gal 6:6)

This, of course, does not mean that preachers cannot or must not engage in a legitimate endeavour to make money. They can. And there are times that they must, if the support coming to them from us is not enough. But doing so can also distract them and prevent them from adequately and appropriately ministering to us. This is why we must not despise them for living on charity. Instead, we all must be devoted to doing all that we can to support them and give them no reason to use part of the time they are meant to use in ministering to us in seeking to make money for themselves.

Also, it is not wrong for people who are terribly sick or deformed to live on charity. The word of God, in fact, tells us that the world will always have such people. Therefore, we are commanded be good to them in whatever way we can. That is because doing so is a spiritual sacrifice that God is pleased with. (Cf. Deut 15:7-11; Heb 13:16)

But then, one of the problems with living on charity is that it may not be enough. Then it may not be regular or it may stop abruptly. And those who have legitimate reasons to live on charity know this. So, if you are not a dependant, a preacher, an elderly person or a physically challenged or sick person and yet are living on charity, you should know that you are a poor person. You are already spending more than you are earning, if you are earning anything at all. And if you should marry in that condition, you are going to be a very big problem to your spouse, whoever they may be.

Am I saying that it is a sin for a person of marriageable age and that is hale and hearty to be living on charity? No! it all depends on why the person has to. It also depends on what the person is doing to leave that situation. But if the person is not doing anything to live that situation, if the person thinks it is alright to keep taking from others in order to maintain a particular standard of living, then, you have no business falling in love with them or staying in a love relationship with them. Otherwise, you may someday regret it bitterly. It is only a matter of time.

Then some people steal, embezzle funds entrusted to them, swindle others, do money rituals or get involved in some other criminal activities in order to maintain the lifestyle they are living. Yes, they may have a legitimate job that they are doing through which they make money. But that is just a front, a cover for some other evil things they are doing to make money.

If you, however, carefully pay attention to their standard of living, you will be able to tell that something is wrong. There is no agreement between what they legitimately earn and their standard of living. And I am not talking about those who run side businesses along with the jobs they are known to be doing or those who run multiple businesses. Rather, I am talking about those who engage in criminal activities to be able to make all ends meet. And I am saying you need to watch out for them.

Now, of course, you will only watch out for such people, if you are financially intelligent. If you are not financially intelligent, you may not pay attention to the fact that the person you are courting is spending more than they earn. All that you are going to be looking at is the fact that they are living fine and responsibly. But what has made that possible? You may not show any serious concern about it. And that is dangerous for your life and also for your soul.

When I was still in the bank, a young man was sacked for defrauding his bank of N50,000. He was to lodge a certain sum of money into an account. But he took N50,000 out of it. And nobody knew until six months later. Why did he steal it? If I remember correctly, it was because he wanted to do the naming of his child or something.

Now the questions I asked myself then were, “Did his wife not ask where the money they were spending for the naming came from? Or did she not know that he had already brought it in more money that he was earning? Or did the man lie to her about how he got the money?” Whatever the case is, the young man was sent away from work in a dishonourable way. And only God can tell what kind of damage that did to his young marriage and to his own reputation among those who knew him.

So, you cannot afford to be ignorant of the finances of your lover, just as your lover cannot afford to be ignorant of your finances. You both need to know what you earn individually. You both need to know what each of you is doing to make money and be satisfied that it is legitimate. You both need to know that none of you is spending more than they are earning. And if one of you or both of you are spending more than you are earning, you need to disclose where the excess is coming from. Then you can tell whether the excess you are receiving is justifiable or not and when it needs to end, if it needs to end.

Now when you function like that, you are demonstrating financial intelligence. And it will keep your love life healthy. It will prevent you from uniting in a marriage yourself to an evil person and from uniting yourself in a marriage to a financially irresponsible or reckless person.

But then, as I pointed out in our last hangout, being financially intelligent goes beyond not wanting to spend more than you are earning; it also involves knowing what to do not to spend more than you are earning. See, there is no way you will not spend more than you are earning, if you are not earning enough. That is because there are needs and responsibilities that you cannot dodge without creating more or bigger troubles for yourself. So, even if you are not earning enough, you still have to find means to sort those needs and responsibilities out.

For instance, you need a roof over your head, don’t you? And unless you have built your own house, you need to find a place to stay. What if your monthly income is too small to pay for an apartment of your own? It does not matter. You still have to get a place to stay. So, you can see that desiring not to spend more than you are earning is not enough; it is also important that you earn enough not to be pressured to spend more than you are earning.

Therefore, first, you need to know how much you truly need to maintain whatever standard of living you want to have. You need to know what your must spend money on, regardless of what you earn, much or little. So, get a notebook, as I told you before, and start using it to keep a monthly or weekly record of these things, of everything you need to spend money on, including what you give in church and what you use for transportation and utilities. That way, you can easily tell whether you are making enough money to maintain the life you want to live or not.

Now supposing you can see that the money you earn is not enough to maintain the life you want to live, what are you going to do to make sure it is enough and that you don’t spend more than you are earning? Are you going to borrow? If you borrow, how will you pay back?

Look at it this way: Let us suppose your earnings altogether in a month is N30,000 – I know a lot of people don’t earn as much as that today in Nigeria. And having written out what you must spend on, you realise that you need a minimum of N50,000 to be fine. That means you need additional N20,000. Where, then, will it come from?

If you go and borrow it, for instance, how will you pay back? Maybe you want to pay back from next month’s income, which is usually what salary earners do. And you can do so. But the problem is that by the time you pay that N20,000 back next month, that is, from your income of N30,000, you will be left with N10,000. It then means that you will need to look for N40,000 to be able to live fine. And where will that come from? Again, maybe you will have to borrow it or part of it. That, of course, is how people get into serious debts, the kinds that they may never recover from for the rest of their lives.

Perhaps you are dealing with something like that now. You are in debt. And you, in fact, have to keep borrowing in order to pay your outstanding debts. I pray that God will use these teachings to liberate you.

Well, if an illness or death is not in view, a financially intelligent person will not be quick to borrow for anything, especially if that thing is not an investment or a liability. Instead, first, he will avoid spending on irrelevancies and non-essentials. In other words, he will look at the list of the things he spends money on to see those things that he can do without, so that he can remove them.

You too, I believe, can do that, if you, at the moment, consider your earnings not to be sufficient to handle the quality of life you want. Based on financial realities, what are those things you are spending money on that you can do without? What are those things that if you do not spend money on them, heavens will not fall down and you will not become sick or unwell? If there are such things, then, remove them from the list of the things taking your money. You may put them back in the future, when you start earning enough money to accommodate them. But for now, get rid of them. And you will be absolutely fine.

Then what are those things on your list that you can find less costly alternatives for. And let me tell you, there is hardly anything we want in this life that does not have a less expensive alternative. It may not be a worthy alternative. But an alternative is an alternative.

For instance, there are alternatives to living in a one-bedroom apartment. And one of them is living in a block of single rooms (the face me and I slap you type). Another one is finding a friend or a relative to stay with. None of these may not be a worthy alternative for you. But it is surely a less costly alternative and may are using it. And am I saying you should by all means use it? No! But if that is what will keep you out of debt and give you the financial stability you need to be able to build your own mansion someday, taking it won’t be a bad idea.

I am not against using quality things or living a sophisticated life. But be sure your sophisticated life is not founded on debt or on the sweat of some others. How can you be using a phone that is more expensive than the one that your sponsor is using, when you are not using it to make money? How can you be buying a bowl of ice-cream with suage every afternoon when the person accommodating you takes gaari and groundnut with cold water every afternoon. It does not show that everything is alright with you.

Is taking ice-cream and sausage good for the body? Yes, it is. Is it better than taking gaari and groundnut. On the surface, it is. But in reality it may not be. Taking delicacies will not necessarily make you healthier or live longer than one that is not taking them. Daniel and his friends did not take the delicacies of King Nebuchadnezzar. Yet they looked finer and better fed than those who were taking them. Also, they were ten times better than others in their brains. What made the difference? God! (Cf. Dan 1)

So, if taking gaari and groundnut as part of your regular meals is what will ensure that you do not spend more than you earn at the moment, go for it. Doing so won’t kill you. On the contrary, it will free you from the sleepless nights and unnecessary worries that come with financial instability and debts.  

We have been looking at things that can make a love relationship sick or unhealthy. And one of them, which we have not considered is lack of financial intelligence. Sometimes ago, I shared a number of things on financial intelligence on this platform. But for the sake of those that joined in recent times, I want to go over some of those things again and perhaps also add some fresh thoughts.

What is financial intelligence? It is simply the ability to consistently manage the resources you have, however little they may be, to take care of your basic needs and to also become financially independent. So, financial intelligence is not about hoarding what you have or being stingy; rather, it is about using what you have wisely.

But what does this have to do with making a love relationship sick or healthy? A lot! See, love relationships are not merely about saying ‘I love you’ to our partners; it is also about showing ourselves as responsible. I mean that you need to show your partner that you are mature and responsible enough to handle whatever resources God gives both of you, when you are eventually married, and not cause unnecessary financial problems for them.

Apart from sex matters and barrenness, another major thing causing problems in many homes today is lack of financial intelligence. It is one of the reasons many husbands and wives are not united in pooling their resources together for the common good of their families. They just cannot trust one another with their respective resources. So, there is constant friction in their homes where money matters are involved.

But do things have to be that way in your own future home too? No! But they will most likely be that way, if you do not face the reality about the measure of financial intelligence you and your love partner possess and consider how to deal with whatever you are lacking in it now that you are still on the road to marriage.

I said that because your love relationship can be financially sick and you wouldn’t even know it. You wouldn’t know it because you have not been confronted with circumstances that will expose the illness. But when you get to the point of doing your wedding, the truth about the individual level of the financial intelligence of both of you will surface. And because it will be considered unthinkable for any of you to want to back out at that time, you will just have to endure whatever financial misappropriation you have to deal with in order for the wedding to go on smoothly.

But then, the fact that a wedding has gone on smoothly does not mean that the couples involved and certain other family members have not been injured in their hearts. In fact, in many cases, couples go into their first day in marriage injured and unhappy in one way or the other. They may keep quiet and not talk about it. It does not mean that they are not nursing some wedding or pre-wedding wounds. These wounds, of course, are often associated with the way funds and resources are used before wedding and during wedding. And if care is not taken, they may not be healed for life.

So, you don’t need to assume anything about yourself or about your love partner, as far as money matters are concerned. Instead, settle down and face the truth about your respective attitudes towards making money and using money and towards acquiring possessions and using them. Even if you are born into a wealthy family, you still need to face the truth about these things. Otherwise, you may end up being another prodigal son or daughter.

What was the problem with the prodigal son in Jesus’ parable? Was it just the fact that he left his father’s house for a distant country? No! Of course, as far as the spiritual context of the story is concerned, he was wrong to have left his father’s house, where everything he needed was readily present and available. But as far as the financial context of the parable is concerned, leaving his father’s house was not the main problem – the main problem was that he lacked sufficient financial intelligence to manage the inheritance given to him by his father. So, he ended up losing everything. (Cf. Luke 15)

You can see, then, that the fact that you inherit great wealth from your parents does not mean you cannot lose it all. And the fact that your parents set you up with a company or in a great organisation does not mean that you will not keep running back to them for financial liberation. So, you have got to face the truth about what you know and what you do not know about acquisition and management of resources now that you are not yet married. Otherwise, when bills start piling up in your marriage and you find family in debt to all kinds of people and institutions, whatever love you and your partner have for each other may not be strong enough to keep you from losing it.

An uncle of mine once spoke of a time that his wife confronted him with the truth about their lack of financial intelligence. And that was because even though all kinds of debts were hanging around their necks, he was still hoping to borrow more money. So, she said to him, “If all the people we are turning to borrow money from are just like us, do you think we will have anyone to help us?” And he never forgot that statement. In fact, it was that statement that made him settle down to think of what he was missing financially and to address it.

Now, of course, it took them a while to become financially independent. But they eventually became financially independent. And there are many today who are looking to them guidance in financial matters because they have made their own mark, as far as such matters are concerned.

Well, the point I am making is that you need to know how financially intelligent you and your love partner are and admit it. That way, you can both make up for whatever you lack in that area now that not much is at stake. And how do you know this? First, you can know by considering the fraction of your income that you spend daily, weekly or month, depending on how you make money. Do you spend everything you make or part of it? Or do you spend more than you earn?

A financially intelligent or prudent person never spends more than he earns. And I am talking about spending here and not investing. They are two different things. When you spend, you consume. And what you consume does not come back to you – it is gone forever. But when you invest, you plant. And you can expect what you have planted to come back to you in multiple folds.

In any case, if you are spending more than you are earning, you are not financially intelligent. Otherwise, where is the excess that you are spending coming from? Is it borrowed? If it is borrowed, then, how do you pay back? You are already eating your future before it comes. And that is dangerous.

Then even if what the excess you are spending is coming as a gift to you from family members or friends, how long will it keep coming? If the gift should stop coming today, how will you take care of what you have been spending it on?

Now don’t get me wrong. That you are spending more than you earn does not mean that you are wasteful or irresponsible in using resources. It may be because of certain legitimate needs that you are spending more than you earn. That still won’t change the fact that you are in debt or living on charity. And if you don’t start working on legitimately increasing what you earn, you will sooner or later find yourself in trouble.

So, to show yourself as financially intelligent, you need to first learn to live within your means. That may be pretty tough, especially given the present economic conditions of our country, Nigeria. It is doable, if you will give yourself some time to learn.

The same thing is applicable to your love partner. You need to know that they are not spending more than they are earning. That means they need to be open to you about what they earn and how they use it. Otherwise, you both have no business being together.

What am I saying? It is that inasmuch as you and someone have both agreed to be in a love relationship together, then, be open to yourself about your resources and how you use them. This has nothing to do with pooling your resources together. You are not yet married. So, you are not under any obligation to join resources. Even those who are married are having issues agreeing to do that. Therefore, no one should make a demand on you to do so.

However, so that both of you in your love relationship can perfect each other where you are lacking, you need to be open about what you earn and how you use it. What if your lover wants to take advantage of you in this manner? Well, that is something you should be prepared for. Love makes sacrifices. Love can be injured. That is why it is love. And if you are not ready to be hurt or injured in any way, you are not fit for a love relationship. So, stay away from it until you are ready.

Well, my point is that you need to be open about what you earn to your lover. And if you are not sure you can entrust such sensitive information to someone you want to take as a lover, then, don’t even get started with them. See, entering a love relationship involves entrusting your life to someone else. Why, then, should you entrust your life to someone in that manner and not want to entrust your financial information to them? It does not gel.

So, if you cannot entrust your financial information to someone, you have no business entrusting your life to them. And if you have already entrusted your life to them, you should it take it back with speed and precision. It is a wrong love relationship. It should never have happened.

In any case, I am simply saying that you and your love partner need to be open about your earnings and spendings. Why? First, it will let you know whether you both possess enough to start a family or not. Second, it will expose greed or selfishness in any of you, if it is there. Third, it will also expose the measure of financial intelligence you both possess.

So, being open about your earnings and spendings is meant to help both of you that are in a love relationship and not to hurt you. And if you handle it honestly and well, God is able to use it to save you both from a wrong love relationship or from a marital lifetime of poverty.

Now don’t forget that what we are talking about is the need for both of you in your love relationship to be financially intelligent. And the first thing that will show that you are financially intelligent is not spending more than you earn. If any of you is doing that, the person needs to stop it.

How are they to do that? They are to begin by making a list of all that they spend money on every month. You don’t need to be an accountant to be able to do that. Just get a note and start writing down where your money has been going.

What will doing that do for you? First, it will give you a fair idea of how much you spend in total every month, that is, all things being equal. Many people don’t know the minimum resources they need to take care of their basic needs and responsibilities every month and be fine. Yet they keep crying that they need more money, more resources. But exactly how much more money do they need to be able to handle their needs and responsibilities? They don’t know. How, then, are they going to be financially independent? Perhaps by accident!

Second, having a list of what you spend money on will let you identify irrelevancies and wastes among the things you spend money on. And once you are able to do this, you will be able to cut down your expenses. Doing this, of course, does not mean that you will automatically stop spending more than you are earning. But it will, at least, give you some insight into what can be done to make sure that every kobo you spend is justified. Also, it will open your eyes to see how important it is for you to increase your resources and what you must urgently do in doing so.

Now if you and your love partner can work together faithfully and diligently in looking at this, I am telling you, it won’t be long before you both start breathing fresh air of financial liberation, regardless of your financial background. And what it means is that you both will have mastered the art of handling your resources before getting married. How blessed will your marriage be, then, as far as money matters are concerned!

In our last hangout, we began to look at how generosity can either make a love relationship sick or healthy. And as I pointed out then, one will expect that generosity will naturally and readily make a love relationship healthy. But this is not always so. While it is important that both of you in your love relationship are generous to each other, you must not misuse your generosity.

How do we misuse generosity in love matters? When we use generosity to entice someone into a love relationship with us, we are misusing it. It is called manipulation or seduction. See, it is not only our body that we can use to seduce people; we can also use our generosity to seduce them. And seduction is seduction, regardless of the instrument being used by us to seduce others. So, the results we will get are bound to be corrupted.

Also, we are misusing generosity when we think that someone must marry us because we have been generous to them. Yes, generosity is one of the qualities we must look out for in anyone we want to marry. But it is not the only quality that the one we want to marry needs to possess. That being the case, we can choose not to marry one that is generous. And it will not be because the person is not generous that we don’t want to marry them; rather, it will be because we have found other legitimate reasons not to want to marry them.

Where this, then, is the case, where someone choose not to marry us, even though we have been generous to them, we should not lose our mind and set out on a mission of vengeance, looking for ways to punish or destroy them. That is going to be a misuse or abuse of generosity. And it is not the person involved that we are going to hurt; we are also going to hurt ourselves and perhaps other people close to us.

So, any kind of generosity that you cannot freely show to your love partner, should not be employed in dealing with them in your love relationship. I mean that if there is a possibility that what you want to give to your love partner or do for them is something that will make you see them as an ingrate in the future, if they don’t eventually marry you, don’t do it.

As I said before, it is not compulsory you do anything for your lover, seeing that you are not married. They are not your responsibility and you are not their responsibility. It is love that has brought you together. So, whatever you do for your each other must be seen as a love gift and not just as a love investment. That way, if things do not turn out the way you both expect them to turn out, you will not be out to destroy yourselves.

Then let me also say this to you: before you start taking gifts from a lover or one that is clearly interested in having a love affair with you, be sure you are ready to marry them. If you are not absolutely sure that you want to marry them, then, watch the kinds of gifts you will be taking from them, if you have to take gifts from them at all.

Just as it is not compulsory for a lover to give you anything, it is also not compulsory that you collect anything from a lover. If you are not sure yet that you want to go all the way with them, then, you may want to watch how you handle their generosity to you. Or if you think they may want to use their generosity to you against you sooner or later, you may also want to watch how you treat their generosity.

After Abraham had saved Lot, his nephew, and the people of Sodom and Gomorrah from certain kings that had invaded their lands and taken them away as captives, the king of Sodom told him to take their wealth for himself, as a gesture of appreciation to him for saving them. But look at how Abraham responded:

“I have raised my hand to the LORD, God Most High, Creator of heaven and earth, and have taken an oath that I will accept nothing belonging to you, not even a thread or the thong of a sandal, so that you will never be able to say, 'I made Abram rich.' I will accept nothing but what my men have eaten and the share that belongs to the men who went with me — to Aner, Eshcol and Mamre. Let them have their share."” (Gen 14:22-24NIV)

Why would Abraham not accept anything belonging to the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah? It was so that they would not later say that they made him wealthy. And there are still people like those kings in the world today. Yes, there are still individuals who will help you a little in some area of your life and later make it look like they have been responsible for your welfare since the day you were born. And you need to be sure that this lover that is being kind and generous to you is not one of such people. Otherwise, someday in the future, when it is clear that you cannot marry them, they may turn around and call you an ingrate.

Besides, people can use generosity as a trap. It may be a trap to get you involved in sexual immorality. It may be a trap to use you for money rituals. It may be a trap to connect you to certain important people that you know. And it may be a trap to subdue and control you. So, if you are not sure the kindness or generosity being shown you by a lover is true and sincere and not a trap, you should watch how you relate to it.

Look at what the bible says to us along this line:

“When you sit down to eat with someone important, keep in mind who he is. If you have a big appetite, restrain yourself. Don't be greedy for the fine food he serves; he may be trying to trick you.” (Prov 23:1-3GNT)

Did you see that? When you are being treated to some nice meal by a rich person, look beyond what is set before you to the person you are dealing with. Now, of course, some translations of the English bible render that part a little differently, saying that you should consider carefully what is set before you. Whatever the case is, the point is that you should put a knife to your throat and don’t allow your appetite to lead you eat what you are not supposed to eat. Otherwise, you may just be falling into a trap.

Unfortunately, a lot of times, greed or unbridled appetites will not allow our single men and women to be discerning in handling generosity that are associated with love matters. This, of course, is why many of them are daily falling into the hands of wicked and unreasonable people, who will defile them, injure them or use them for money rituals.

Yes, you may be in need or under some serious financial pressure. But don’t let your need or financial challenges or any form of appetite dictate to you how you will live your life or who you will taking things from. Instead, let the word of God do so. Otherwise, you may just fall into the trap of some wicked and unreasonable people.

Then, even if the person you are dealing with is a lover, be sure strings are not attached to their generosity to you. And don’t try to put all your life’s burdens on them because they are being generous to you. The fact that you have settled it in your mind that you are going to marry them does not mean they have to be responsible for everything going on in your life. So, show some restraints. Exercise some caution. In fact, put yourself in their shoes. If the circumstances were reversed, would you be as generous to them as they have been to you?

Remember that you are not married to them until you get married to them. So, between now and when you hope to get married, anything can happen that may prevent you two from marrying each other, though we don’t pray that something bad happens. What, then, would you want them to think of you, if you had drained their lives?

My point is that even if your lover is being driven by love in their generosity to you, know when to refuse what they are offering you. Yes, know when to caution them. Know when your lover is already going overboard in being generous to you, so that you can caution them. Yes, they are motivated by love to give to you. But at what cost?

For instance, a lover may go and borrow to be generous to you and make you happy. But that may put them in trouble sooner or later. Or a lover may have been neglecting certain responsibilities of their family members or some other people in their lives, just because they want to be generous to you and make you happy. And if all that you are concerned about is receiving from them, when they eventually get injured because of you, will you be happy to associate with them or to learn that it is because of you that they are in trouble? I am sure you won’t.

So, even if your lover is truly being generous to you, be concerned about what their generosity costs them. And let them know when their generosity is too costly for you to accept. That will show that you are not selfish and wicked. It will show that you are truly loving and considerate. And they will respect you more.

As we see in the bible, one of the reasons David’s mighty men were radically loyal to him was that he was truly considerate and appreciative. Once three of these men fought their way back and forth to fetch water for him from near the gate of Jerusalem, just because he had suggested it. And did he just collect the jug of water from them to drink, having thanked them profusely for their love, devotion and valour? No! Instead, he found it unbelievable that they would do that for him. So, he offered the water they brought to him as an offering to God. (Cf. 2Sam 23:13-17)

Now what David did, at the time, must have left him thirsty. He did it anyway. Why? Was it because he did not appreciate the fact that those men risked their lives for him? No! He did appreciate what they did. In fact, it was because he highly appreciated what they did that he did what he did. In other words, he saw the cost of the water brought to him as too high for him to handle. So, he offered it to God instead.

If we too truly love the people in our lives that are being kind and generous to us, we will know what sort of generosity that will be too much for us to accept from them. I pray that God will give you more understanding about that, especially in dealing with your lover. That way, you will not be encouraging to put themselves in trouble all in the name of wanting to be generous to you and make you happy.

Having said that, I also want you to know that generosity can be a cover-up for hidden wickedness. I am saying that because we all who are children of God need to understand that generosity is not synonymous to godliness. In other words, that someone is generous to you does not mean that this person is godly. And if you foolishly assume that someone is godly because they are being generous to you, you will pay for it someday. I just hope that the payment will not as high as your life or soul.

My point, at any rate, is that there are people who use generosity as a cover-up for evil. They use to turn people’s attention away from the wickedness in their lives. Such people are not true children of God at all but deceivers. So, if you are going to know them for who they are, you have to be more concerned about what is going on in their lives than the generosity they are showing you.

In fact, I will not encourage you to be receiving gifts from anyone until you know who they truly are, that is, by investigation, observation and revelation. Otherwise, you may find it hard for you to detach yourself from them, should you find out that their generosity is merely a cover-up for all kinds of wickedness. And there are married people that are victims of such people. They allowed themselves to be fooled to marry the wrong persons by the generosity being shown them. Now they are stuck. And may you not be stuck as they are, in Jesus’ name.

But you must watch your attitude towards the generosity of your lover and others in your life. Generosity does not always make a love relationship or any other kind of relationship healthy. If someone’s life is not healthy spiritually, their generosity too may not be healthy.

We have been looking at things that can make our love relationships sick or healthy. And the last thing we considered was forgiveness. We looked at how our attitude towards it can either make our love relationships sick or healthy. And we all will do well to pay close attention to the things we shared along these lines and see that we apply them to our individual lives and relationships.

Now I want us to also look at the roles that generosity can play in making our love relationship healthy or sick. What does it mean to be generous? Well, it means to be willing to freely share what we have to support or appreciate others.

Is generosity, then, something that will make our love relationship healthy and refreshing? “By all means,” answers someone. But is it always true that generosity will make a love relationship healthy and refreshing? No! It all depends on how well those in that love relationship understand the meaning and proper use of generosity.

A man once told me of how he lost himself in taking care of a young lady that he had wanted to marry. According to him, because of the great love he had for the lady, he just kept on giving her money and all kinds of things that would make her comfortable in school. And he was not doing all this in secret. His family and the lady’s family were aware of it. Then he was not doing these things because he was a wealthy man. He too was a struggling young man had the time. But he felt that since he loved her and they were going to marry someday, it was only proper for him to support in whatever way he could.

Unfortunately, one day, he received the shock of his life. The young lady gave him her wedding invitation. Did I hear you scream, “What!”? Well, that was how I too screamed ‘What!” when he was sharing this experience. Thankfully, he was already married when he was sharing it. So, he was not sharing it from the point of view of a pitiful and lost man but from the point of view of one who has overcome.

Now was the man right to be generous to that lady or not? Yes, he was right. It is only right for you to be generous to your lover and those in their life as well. Otherwise, how can we be sure you will be devoted to caring for them when you are eventually married? We cannot be.

I know that people can pretend to have a kind of generosity that they do not possess, just to get our attention or commitment. But if we are not greedy but discerning, it will not be long before we know what they are up to, either by revelation or discovery.

For instance, Solomon says this to us about relating to stingy people:

“Do not eat the food of a stingy man, do not crave his delicacies; for he is the kind of man who is always thinking about the cost. "Eat and drink," he says to you, but his heart is not with you. You will vomit up the little you have eaten and will have wasted your compliments.” (Prov 23:6-8NIV)

Who is Solomon describing here? He is describing a stingy person that is pretending to be generous. How, then, will you know he is just pretending? First, his focus is always on the price of what he wants to give you and not on how precious you are to him. Am I saying that it is wrong to consider our purses before buying things for people or giving things to them? No! We should by all means do that.

However, it is the preciousness of the person we want to bless with our gifts to us that should always come first in determining what we give to them and not what we have in our wallets. We may not have much in our wallets. But if the person we want to give something to is really precious to us, we will think hard about what we can do with the little we have to make them truly happy.

Second, the focus of a stingy person is on your compliment, that is, your ‘thank you’ and not on the quality of what he is giving you. So, as Solomon tells us, a stingy person cannot cook you a nice and enjoyable meal. That is because his stinginess will not allow him to put adequate and appropriate ingredients in the food. Yes, you will have to say ‘thank you’ for the good. But it will be a waste of compliment.

So, if you want to know whether someone is truly generous or not, look at the thoughtfulness involved in what they are giving you and not just the quality or quantity. Also, look at the cost of what they are giving you in keeping with what they truly have. A generous person may not have much to give you. But they will be thoughtful in selecting whatever they give you or share with you. A generous person may not have much to give you but may end up giving you the very little they have. A generous person may not have much to give you but will find other means to make up for what they cannot give you in cash.

Thus, even if God has not revealed anything to you about a lover attitude towards sharing, by paying attention to the way they share with you and others and the sort of things they give, you can tell whether they are truly generous or are just pretending. And that kind of person can put you in trouble in the future.

What I am saying is that if you marry stingy person, you may find yourself in needless problems in the future because of their stinginess. Remember Nabal. Remember that the bible refers to him as a mean man. That is a very strong word. Among its meanings are harsh and stingy. And Nabal proved to be both. (Cf. 2Samuel 25)

As we see in Scriptures, even though David had been kind to Nabal’s men, the man chose not to recognise him or to be generous to him. So, in annoyance, David called his men to arms and set out to destroy his household. And if his intelligent wife, Abigail, had not quickly stepped into the situation, his entire household would have been needlessly ruined.

So, a stingy lover is bound to put you in trouble. It is only a matter of time. They will put you in trouble spiritually. They will put in trouble with friends and family members. And God help you, if you should find yourself in a matter of life and death, a stingy lover may just choose their money over you.

Well, the point I am making is that there is no way a love relationship with a stingy person can be a healthy one. Of course, you may not be in need of your lover’s money or gifts. But true love gives. True love shares. God is not in need of our money, for instance. Yet He wants us to be generous to Him. He expects us to be generous to Him. Otherwise, He will take us as selfish and ungrateful.

In like manner, if your so-called lover truly loves you, you cannot be the only one that will be generous to them – they too will be generous to you, in keeping with whatever they have. In fact, you both will see that you are trying to outdo each other in generosity. That is what is healthy.

However, with reference to the story I first shared with you, generosity must be done with understanding and clarity of purpose. Also, generosity must be received with understanding and clarity of purpose. Otherwise, at least someone is going to get hurt through it. Then, what is naturally meant to do lovers good may end up destroying them.

So, first, don’t entice anyone into a love relationship with generosity. It is both unrighteous and dangerous. I am not saying you should not help someone that you are in a position to help, just because you may later fall in love with the person or desire a love relationship with the person. Help anyone God has put you in a position to help, even if you may later desire a love relationship with the person. But whatever help you are giving to them should be sincere and true, one that you can give freely without bragging or feeling sorry, if the person should show no interest in a love relationship with you.

Also, I am not saying that you should not entertain someone, just because you are not sure if a love relationship between you will work or not. That is nothing but stinginess. If someone visits you or if you take someone out with you, you should not hesitate to entertain them, whether there is going to be love talks between you or not. That is just a sign of care and respect. But don’t entertain people to impress them or entice them into a love relationship. It is silly on your part to do that. And it will be sillier on their part to fall for your silliness.

My point is that while it is perfectly alright to be generous to anyone you desire to have a love relationship with, let your generosity be moderate and not outrageous. Don’t let it be a bribe. Don’t let it be something that will prevent them from thinking clearly or knowing your true intentions. It is dangerous for both of you.

Read about Abraham’s servant that went to look for a wife for Isaac. After enjoying Rebekah’s hospitality, he only gave her a gold nose ring and two gold bracelets to appreciate her (Gen 24:22). Yes, those were very expensive gifts. But they were nothing compared to the gifts the man had with him. And the man did not unpack all the gifts he had with him until he had settled the marriage talks between Isaac and Rebekah with her family members. That is wisdom. (Cf. Gen 24:52-54)

In like manner, watch the kind of generosity you show to someone you are hoping to have a love relationship with. Don’t show them any kind of generosity you cannot overlook, regardless of what it might cost. Don’t show any form of generosity that will arouse bitterness or anger in you or that will cause you to begin to slander them, if they should refuse to be involved in love affairs with you. That kind of generosity is satanic. It is not of God and can never earn His praise. So, warn yourself.

Similarly, even when you are already in a love relationship with someone, watch the kind of generosity you show them. Remember that you are not yet married to them. So, they are not your responsibility, just as you are not their responsibility. That being the case, apart from the general love and support you are supposed to give each other in Christ Jesus, you are not under any obligation to do any other thing for each other.

For instance, how many sisters or brothers in your Christian assembly do you give gifts to every week or every month, if it is not their birthday? Even it is their birthday, how many sisters or brothers do you celebrate and buy things for? Why? Are they not your brethren? They are. Do you not love them? You do, since you are a child of God. Will you not help them, if they are in need and you are in a position to do so? You will, since you are a child of God. But if they are not your close friends, it is not everything going on in their lives that you want to know or get involved in. Why? You know there is a limit to what you are responsible for in their lives.

But the case is different with your lover, even if they are not in the same assembly with you. You want to know all or most of the things going on in their lives. You want to offer help, even it is not asked or required. Why? Is it your responsibility to do so? No! You choose to. You choose to because you love them. So, what you are giving to them, whatever it may be, is a love gift, a love sacrifice. And I pray it does not go to waste. But it can go to waste.

Now if it should go to waste, what are you going to do? If all the love, energy, time, resources and devotion you put into building a love life with someone should go to waste, what would become of you? Would you lose your mind? Would you lose your health? Would you kill yourself or your lover? Would you become a monster and not love again?

Everything depends on how you view your love, commitment and generosity to your lover? Do you see it as a love gift? Do you see it merely as an obligation or an investment? If you see it as a love gift, then, even if they fail you, you will not lose yourself. It will pain you, and rightly so. But you will be able to say to yourself, “After all, it is just a gift, though this person has shown themselves to be unworthy of it. We just have to find a worthy person.”

Now that is the way of God. He will never lose Himself and become a monster because we have rejected or abused His love. Instead, He will move on to look for others who will embrace His love and make the most of it. Why? His show of love and generosity to us is not just an obligation or investment to Him; it is also a gift. In fact, it is first of all a gift. So, He can always comfort Himself with that, if we don’t prove ourselves worthy of the grace that He has invested in us.

In the same vein, it is true that everything you give to your love partner is an investment. You are investing your time, devotion, energy and resources. And you are hoping and praying that everything will not go to waste. But you must also treat all these things as gifts, generously given to one that you love, regardless of how things turn out with them.

Remember that you are not under any obligation to give any of these things. So, you should only give them when you can give them as generous gifts. If you cannot give them as generous gifts, then, don’t give them. If you cannot believe and hope that the person you will give them to will not waste or abuse them, don’t give them. But once you give them, you must treat them as gifts. That way, even if the person they are given to is unworthy of them, you can move on in life without being bitter towards them.

In the case I shared with you before, the beloved brother that shared his experience, shared it with all sense of modesty. You could almost feel the love he once had for the lady involved in his voice. So, he did not call her names. He did not abuse her. He did not curse her for wasting his time and resources. And he was not talking like someone that was love-starved, for he was not. He was simply baffled that someone could waste such measure of love lavished on them.

And perhaps you have been through something similar. Your love gifts have been treated with disdain by someone you would most likely want to live or die for. Don’t lose your mind over it. Don’t be bitter because of it. Don’t start cursing the person or seeking their fall because of it. Instead, let it go. Treat everything you gave to the person as a love gift. Then God can heal you wherever you are hurting and also reward you for the love you showed the person, even though they have made a mess of it.

Remember that nobody forced you to love that person. You chose to love them. So, accept whatever wrong they did you as your responsibility and forgive them for it, as God forgave you in Christ Jesus. That is the only way you can be healed and made ready for a fresh and true love relationship. Otherwise, if you go on into another love relationship with all that bitterness and anger, it is only a matter of time before you prove yourself to be a disaster waiting to happen.

In our last few hangouts, our focus has been on the need for us to be forgiving in our love relationships, if they will be healthy for us. And we have seen that it is the will of God for us to function in this way. So, whether our lovers acknowledge the wrongs they have done to us or not, we must always be willing and ready to forgive them. Otherwise, we will end up partaking in their spiritual illness, whatever it may be.

As I pointed out before, to sin or do any wrong thing and not acknowledge it is symptom of spiritual illness. And people like such need to be healed by the word of God. Otherwise, they may end up perishing suddenly. (Cf. Prov 29:1)

But then, it is not only those who will not acknowledge their sins that are spiritually sick; those will not forgive anyone who has sinned against them are also spiritually ill. They too need healing. Otherwise, that spiritual illness they have may sooner or later manifest in form of some physical illness. And who can tell how bad that will be.

So, whether it is your lover that has offended you or someone else, see to it that you forgive them from your heart. Yes, it is important that anyone who has wronged us acknowledges their error, so that our fellowship and relationship with them can remain healthy. But whether they do that or not, we owe it to God to forgive them, as He forgave us all our sins in Christ Jesus. And I pray that you will always be strengthened by the Spirit of God to forgive wherever you need to do so and regardless of people’s attitude towards you, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Having said that, I want you to know that it is not only the giving of forgiveness that will keep our love lives healthy, where offences have happened; the receiving of forgiveness is also needed to keep them healthy. So, we all must learn to receive forgiveness when it is given to us. Otherwise, we can make our love relationships extremely boring for our partners. And they, at some point, may be left with no other choice but to leave us.

Should you do anything that will hurt your love partner and make you in need of their forgiveness? No! So, you need to make up your mind never to carelessly, thoughtlessly or deliberately do anything that will hurt your love partner or fill them with pains. Of course, there are times that we may have to hurt those that we love for their good. But we must make them understand that, where are intentions are not obvious. And we must also do so with all sense of love, patience and gentleness. Otherwise, what we mean for good may end up being seen as evil. And that will not help our love lives.

As we know, Doctors and nurses sometimes have to hurt people for their good. And most people can understand that. Yet we don’t want doctors or nurses that are vindictive taking care of us. We don’t want doctors or nurses with poisonous words or hateful looks attending to us. Why? Their evil words or looks will hurt us more than their needles and blades.

In the same vein, even if you have to hurt your lover for their good, be good, kind and tender in doing so. They are not enemies. So, don’t be ruthless or thoughtless in treating them. Otherwise, you will be destroying your relationship. And at some point, you may totally lose it.

In any case, even if you are the most cautious person in the whole world, you are still not infallible. In other words, you are capable of making mistakes. It is not compulsory you make mistakes. But you can make mistakes and sin against your lover. And I am saying that where that is the case, you must be ready to accept their forgiveness, as long as they are willing to give it.

I am saying these things because there are people who find it hard to accept forgiveness when it is given to them. In other words, they find it hard to forgive themselves. And it is not only human beings that they relate to in that manner. They also relate to God in the same manner. Why? Pride is one of the reasons.

What I am saying is that pride is one of the reasons you will refuse to be forgiven by God or man. You see yourself as too much. You see yourself as too righteous or wise to miss it or err. So, you can bring yourself to accept any form of forgiveness. You just have to punish yourself for your sins. And it is only after you have satisfied yourself in punishing yourself that you will feel free.

But punishing yourself for your errors does not make you free from them; it only keeps you bound to them. It keeps you bound to them because it shows that you resent the one that wants to forgive you. You do not see them as qualified to pay for your sins on their own and forgive you. So, you want to pay for them yourself.

But how does the punishment you give to yourself heal the one you have sinned against? What even gives you the impression that whatever punishment you give to yourself is enough for your sins? In relating to God, for instance, there is no amount of punishment we give to ourselves that will ever be enough to pay for our sins. The only sufficient payment for our sins is eternal death, eternal separation from God, not physical death. So, committing suicide is still not enough payment for our sins. The only sufficient payment for them is eternal separation from God. Therefore, if we reject His forgiveness, which is freely made available to us by His personal payment for our sins, there is no hope for us – we can only be utterly lost. (Cf. Rom 6:23)

So, if you are living in sin or have committed any form of sin against God, all you need to do is acknowledge the sin before Him and receive His forgiveness that is ever waiting for everyone who comes to Him. And you can continue to relate to Him as though you never did anything to hurt or displease Him. That is because that is also how He will relate to you. He will not count your sins against you or bring them to mind again.

Unfortunately, many have problems relating to God like this. Why? Sin consciousness! They cannot just get their minds off the memory of their wrongdoings, wrongdoings that have been forgiven and forgotten by God. So, it is hard for them to go on in their walk with Him. It is hard for them to relate to Him as their loving Father and friend. They are, therefore, loaded with sorrow and pains. And unless such people are healed of their sin consciousness, they will not be able to live lives that are fruitful, meaningful and useful to God.

What is the difference between Judas and Peter? Why did one of them go on to live a fantastic Christian life and to be mightily used of Jesus Christ, while the other disappeared into nothingness? It is their attitude towards forgiveness. Judas could not forgive himself of his sin of betrayal. Why? First, he was too proud to go back to Lord and bend his knees for forgiveness. Second, he could not see how he could live with the thought of betraying Jesus, his innocent and loving master. So, he hanged himself and sealed his fate in eternal doom. (Cf. Matt 27:1-5)

But Peter was different. He too denied the Lord three times in a row. And did he think he could do that to him? No! He did it anyway and was utterly sorrowful about it. But he did not kill himself. Instead, he returned to the Lord for forgiveness. And he got it and went on to live as though he never betrayed Him at any time.

Why did Peter act like that? First, it was because he was not proud. Clearly, he missed it big. But he was not going to allow that to forever ruin his relationship with the Lord. So, instead of trying to punish himself for his sin, he went back to be with the other disciples and to let them know how he missed it and how sorry he was about it. He did that when he did not even expect the Lord Jesus to resurrect. And when He resurrected, he was too glad to go and meet him, not to confess his folly, which had already been predicted, but to show that he would always love Him.
Why did he go and meet him like that? It was because he believed in the love Jesus had for him. Jesus had preached love to them. He had also preached forgiveness to them. And this man knew that Jesus did not lie to them. So, he believed in the love and forgiveness of Jesus. That was the second reason he went back to him.

What is that teaching us? It is that sin consciousness is a product of unbelief. It is a product of lack of faith in the love of God. If we truly believe in the love God has for us, as said by John in his first epistle, then, we will accept His forgiveness and never again think about how bad or terrible we were (1John 4:16). But if we do not trust His love for us, if we do not have confidence in His love for us, we will not truly and fully accept His forgiveness. Yes, we may claim to have accepted it. But memories of our sins, sins that have been fully paid for, will never stop hunting us. And that is because that is what we want.

In the same vein, if we are proud, we will not accept the forgiveness of our lover, even though they have wholeheartedly forgiven us. In fact, if we are proud, we may never seek their forgiveness. Instead, we may just craw into some corner of life and dump our love relationship with them. Then they will be the ones pursing us and trying to bring us back into fellowship with them. What an irony!

Perhaps you have been there. Someone offended you. And because of your love for them, you just could not hold it against them. Yet, instead for them to come looking for you to sort things out, you are the one running after them. You may even end up apologising to them for making them feel sorry for themselves. What do you even call that? It beats my reasoning!

Well, it is wrong to relate to your lover like that. You have missed it. And they are willing and ready to forgive you. Then drop your pride or ego and go and take their forgiveness. Stop saying to yourself, “How could I have done that?” You already did your thing. Now go and sort things out with your lover, if you do love them indeed. Otherwise, you are probably never worthy of their love.

If your lover is unwilling to forgive you for whatever you have done, it will be a different thing. Yet you must forgive yourself, since God has forgiven you. By the way, what are still doing with a so-called lover that is unwilling to forgive or slow to forgive. That person does not truly love you. Anyone that truly loves you will also always readily forgive you, whatever your sins may be. They, of course, may not consider you fit again for a love life with them, based on what you have done. But their genuine love for you will make them forgive you, even if they do not know God.

But when you are dealing with a truly lover that is a child of God, don’t hesitate to seek and to take the forgiveness they are giving for whatever you have done against them. And you will not hesitate to do so, if you truly believe in their love for you. So, the question is, “Do you believe in the love of your love partner?” Or shall I say, “What measure of faith do you have in their love for you?” That is what will determine your attitude towards the forgiveness they give for your sins against them, whatever those sins might be.

In any case, if someone is giving you forgiveness and you will not have it, there is no way your relationship or fellowship with that person can be healthy. In like manner, if you are giving someone forgiveness and they will not accept it, there is no way your fellowship or relationship with the person, especially if they are your lover, can be healthy. So, you need to deal with it before it is too late. Otherwise, you may just be on your way to marrying a Judas Iscariot, one who will go and commit suicide or run away from home because they are unwilling to seek and accept your forgiveness for whatever wrong thing they may do.

A word of caution here, however: don’t abuse forgiveness. Yes, it is important that you are always willing to accept your lover’s forgiveness. But don’t abuse their show of love for you. Forgiveness is an expression of love. But we can abuse it. We can begin to take people for granted because we know that they love us and will forgive us, regardless of what we do.

That is a demonic way to relate to others. That is a sort of witchcraft. It is nothing but manipulation. And it is an act of the flesh. So, desist from it, if you have been doing it. And watch yourself around anyone who may be doing it to you. They don’t truly love you. Those who truly love you will not take any secret delight in hurting you, just because they know that you love and will forgive them.

Even God warns us against that in our relationship with Him, saying:

“If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," and again, "The Lord will judge his people." It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.”” (Heb 10:26-31NIV)

Did you see that? God does not want us to abuse His love and forgiveness by deliberately doing the wrong things. Otherwise, if we persist, we will one day find out that it is a dreadful thing to fall into His hands, even though He is full of mercy.

In like manner, don’t abuse the love and forgiving heart of your love partner. Otherwise, you may end up awaking a monster in them or shutting the door of God’s goodness to your life through them. Either way, pain and sorrow of heart are what you can hope to expect, if you are abusing the love of your partner.

Then if it is clear that your lover is abusing your love and forgiveness, you still have to forgive them as a child of God. But then, you need to admit the fact that they do not take you seriously. So, don’t waste your time with them anymore. Let them go. Yes, it will pain you to some degree. But God will comfort you. And it is better you endure that temporary pain right now than to go into a marriage with one that has no respect for your feelings. That cross may be too much for you to bear.

Now I pray that God of all grace and comfort, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, will lead you into all that is best for you, as far as your love life is concerned. Amen. That is where we will end it tonight. Have a fabulous week. 

In our last hangout, I told you that there are minimum requirements that you must look for in anyone you want to marry. And one of them is their relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. Is the person a believer in the Lord Jesus? Is the person born again? If the person is not born again, then, you have no business falling in love with them, whether on purpose or accidentally. Otherwise, you may end up regretting it throughout eternity.

Another minimum requirement is the soundness of the faith of whatever born again child of God that you are considering. Paul, in his writings, shows us that there are two kinds of Christians, namely, the spiritual Christian and the carnal Christian. And interestingly, these two kinds of Christians often co-exist in all our Christian assemblies. So, there is no Christian assembly in which we do not have carnal Christians. They may not be in the majority. But they are there. In fact, in some assemblies of God, the carnal Christians present are the majority.

Whatever the case may be, it will be wisdom for you not to choose a carnal Christian as your love partner. That is because a carnal Christian may not be different from an unbeliever at all in conduct. In fact, you may find around you unbelievers that are by far better in conduct than some carnal believers that you know. So, don’t just go for anyone simply because the person is a Christian. Rather, go for whoever you go for because you can see that they are not just a Christian by words of mouth but also in conduct.

But you know, it will take a spiritual person to identify another spiritual person. In other words, you yourself have to be a spiritual person to first appreciate the need for you to go for a spiritual person, as far as your love life is concerned. And you will have to be a spiritual person to be able to tell whether the person you are going for is spiritual or carnal. If you yourself are not spiritual, it will take God’s mercy and favour to end up with a spiritual husband or wife.

Look at what the bible tells us about carnality:

“Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God.” (Rom 8:7-8NKJV)

Did you see that? Carnal people are hostile to God. They may be born again. But there will be certain areas, if not all the areas of their lives, in which they will be hostile to God. In other words, in those areas of their lives, they will not want to listen to God or let Him have a say.

Interestingly, the carnality in Christians is often revealed through or in their love affairs. I mean that it is when a Christian wants to make a love decision that we can tell whether he is deeply and truly spiritual or not. That is when we will see whether he is going to listen to God and follow His ways or not.

In any case, the word of God has made it clear to us that those who are carnal cannot please God. So, if you are a carnal Christian, you cannot make love decisions that will please God. But if you decide to let go of your will in the matter and listen to what God is saying to you, then, you will be able to make wise love decisions that will please God and also give you rest.

Now, having made sure that the person you will go for in love matters is a spiritual believer, you also need to consider how agreeable you are in matters that are of importance to both of you. Remember that the word of God says, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3NIV) What that means is that if you cannot agree with someone on those matters of relevance to you and your life, even though the person is a Christian, that person is not the right love partner for you.

Don’t miss my point here. There are probably a million and one things that you and your love partner may not agree on in life. But if those things have no direct or indirect impact on your love relationship, wisdom will tell you to drop them and not make any issue out of them.

But to say the fact, there are times that lovers, including very married people, fight, argue or quarrel over nonsense. We have heard stories of husbands and wives quarrelling over where toothpaste tubes should be pressed or not pressed or over where certain household appliances should be placed. That sounds ridiculous, right? But these things happen.

Now such things happen because of selfishness. When someone is selfish, he will not be considerate. And when someone is not considerate, he will be ready to fight over nothing. Do you know that lovers can have issues agreeing over the colours they will use on their wedding day? But what is the big deal about the colours you use? Who is going to remember? How will those colours build your marriage? Is it even the colour that you pick that your guests will eat?

But lovers can spend days or weeks arguing over that? Why? Selfishness! Lack of consideration! Foolishness!

Well, the point I am making is that when we are dealing with being agreeable or united in purpose in a love relationship, we are not saying that you and your lover will have the same view about every matter of life or that you will love and appreciate the same things the same way. That is practically impossible. And if you should find someone who seems to love everything you love and in the same manner that you love it, you are mostly likely dealing with a hypocrite, a deceiver. At the right time, such an individual will reveal their true colour.

I don’t love all the foods that my wife love. And she also does not love all the foods that I love. Did that stop us from marrying each other? No! Why? It was because such matters, for us, are not matters serious enough to determine how peaceful or joyous our home would be. But both of us had to see things that way. Otherwise, we may end up having our home ruined because of food matters.

There are men, for instance, that love pounded yam and believe they must eat it as many times as they may want to every week. Such men, then, may need to look for women that would agree to pound yam for them as often as they may want to eat it. Otherwise, that may be what will scatter their future homes.

I once heard that a man would wake his wife up at midnight to pound yam for him. That sounds outrageous, right. But it is the truth. And has that caused their separation? No! Why? The woman was in agreement with him to be doing it. In fact, it was the woman herself that mentioned it. And she mentioned it gladly, at least from the way she sounded.

At any rate, I quickly mentioned those examples to let you see that it is important that you are in agreement with whoever you want to marry over any matter that is of relevance to you before you step into a relationship with them. So, if there are food matters are of relevance to you, food matters that you cannot overlook, talk about them before settling down with anyone in a love relationship. Don’t assume that the person should be able to understand and accept you as you are, simply because he or she is a Christian. That may end up being a costly assumption.

In like manner, if there are colour matters that are of relevance to you, which you cannot overlook, you should talk about them before going into a love relationship with anyone. Yes, colour matters, for someone like me, are childish matters to raise in a love relationship. But if it is something that is capable of upsetting you, you should bring it up.

Now, of course, I will more examples along these lines later. But I want us to focus more at the moment on the need for you to see that you are united in purpose on those things that obviously matter with anyone you are considering for a love relationship before you start anything with them.

See, the fact that you are both good Christians does not mean that you will automatically be in agreement in life purpose or lifestyles. Did you read in Scriptures that Barnabas and Paul once had a sharp dispute that resulted in their separation in ministry? Yet both of them were fine Christians. On that occasion, however, they could not agree in purpose. So, the elders of the church counselled them to go their separate ways. That, of course, did not make them enemies. But it made them unfit to be together on the same team. (Cf. Acts 15:36-41)

Also, Paul, in his letter to the Philippians, has this to say about certain women that were friends and ministry companions of his:

“I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.” (Phil 4:2-3NIV)

Did you see that? Euodia and Syntyche were both wonderful believers, women who had given their lives for the cause of the gospel. Yet they just could not get along with each other. Why? We are not told. But the sake of the heath of their Christian assembly, Paul had to tell another friend and leader in their assembly to help them resolve their differences.

Why I am giving you these examples? I am giving them to you to let you understand that the fact that someone is a good Christian does not mean that you are meant for each other, as far as love matters are concerned. The person will have to be in agreement with you on all the matters that are of relevance to you before you can conclude that a love life between the two of you will work. Otherwise, though you are both good Christians, you lack of unity of purpose and lifestyle may end up ruining your affairs and even your faith.

So, what are you after in life? What is your purpose? Where do you want to be? What job or business or career do you want to give yourself to? Where do you want to live? What sort of home do you want to build? You need to know these things and be settled in your heart about them. Otherwise, you won’t be able to tell whether you are in agreement in purpose and lifestyle with that person you are considering for a love relationship or not.

If, for instance, you are a farmer, you will most likely not be crazy about living in a city, even if you are involved in mechanised farming. And that will not be because you think that living in a city is wrong but because your treasures are not in the cities but in those farm villages or settlements where your farms are located. So, if you are choosing a love partner, you will need to know that the person is at home with the lifestyle that is associated with farming. Otherwise, it will not be long at all after your marriage before you start having issues.

See, the issues that tear homes apart are not always money matters or adultery or other forms of unfaithfulness. A lot of times, homes are torn apart because those in them are not giving themselves enough attention, participation, freedom, permission, recognition or support. So, how much attention, participation, permission, freedom recognition or support will you want from your partner in your future home? You need to tell yourself the truth about it. That is because these are part of the things that should determine who you choose and who you do not choose as your lover.

And let me say this: Don’t get carried away by the externals. People often show us what they want us to see about them. And what they want us to see may not be what we need to see about them. But we need to see about them is what will enable us to make informed decisions about our relationships with them.

So, even though you believe that lovely Christian sister is just the right person for you, be willing to show her all that she needs to know about you, your purpose and your lifestyle. Forget about what she thinks she know. Instead, show her all the truth that she needs to know about you. Also, make her feel free to ask questions. That way, she can make well-informed decisions about the matter at hand, without feeling coerced or pressured.

In like manner, even if you believe this lovely Christian brother that has come to you is just the right person for you, take your time to ask relevant questions about him, his life, his purpose, his lifestyle, his family and whatever is of interest to you. Don’t just say, “Give me some time to pray about this.” Yes, you will pray about it and must pray about it. But why do you need revelations for things you can know by examination and observation?

God hardly reveals to people things that they can learn through studies, examinations, questioning and observation. So, even though you are still going to ask God to reveal whatever truth you need to know about the person you are considering for your love life to you, take your time to ask them relevant questions about their life and purpose, so that you can see whether you can agree to walk together in a love relationship. And you must look out for their willingness to freely answer your questions. That will let you know whether you need to further pray about their matter or not.

In our last hangout, we began to look at the place of forgiveness in making love relationships healthy and sound. And we said before we can properly appreciate its place in our love lives, we must first of all appreciate the place of being willing and ready to accept rebuke and correction from our love partners. Otherwise, even if we are forgiven for our wrongdoings, the forgiveness given to us will not accomplish the results it is meant to accomplish.

Forgiveness is meant to heal both the one that has been wronged and the one who has wronged them. But where someone who has done wrong will not admit it, even if he is forgiven, in spite of his stubbornness, he will still remain sick on the inside. The only one that will be healed is the one who has given him forgiveness.

So, it is important that we have a heart that is always ready to embrace rebuke and correction. That way, we can open the door for us to be cleansed and healed of wrong attitudes and behaviours.

But then, as I equally pointed out in that last hangout, while it is alright for us to be up and doing in rebuking and correcting ourselves in our love relationships, so that we will not carry on in life with wrong attachments, it is wrong for us to turn ourselves into faultfinders. It is wrong for us to busy ourselves with nothing else but pick out the faults in the lives of our love partners. That is unhealthy for any love relationship. And if your love relationship has degenerated into that, you will need to do something about it fast. Otherwise, both of you involved will sooner or later devour yourselves.

Having said that, let us return to the matter of using forgiveness to keep our love relationships healthy. As I told you before, we need to be willing to give forgiveness in our love relationships because there is no guarantee that we will not offend or hurt ourselves in them. Even when we mean well, we may still hurt each other as lovers. And if we are not ready to forgive ourselves, our love life may just come to ruins.

Now what does the word of God tell us about forgiveness? It says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Eph 4:32NIV) Did you see that? We are to be kind and compassionate to the people in our lives. And since God expects us to be kind and compassionate to the people in our lives, will He expect us to do less for our lovers? No! Instead, He will expect us to be kinder and more compassionate in relating to them.

Therefore, even if they offend us for any reason, we should be kind enough to forgive them. And we are told how to forgive them. We are told to forgive exactly the way God forgave us in Christ Jesus. How did God forgive us in Christ Jesus? Absolutely! First, He forgave us before we came to Him for forgiveness. Second, He forgave us without reservations, without ‘if’s’. And He has not stopped forgiving us for our many mistakes and cleansing us of all our unrighteousness. That, of course, is why our relationship and fellowship with Him have remained intact and unsullied. (Cf. 1John 1:8-9)

Think about this: we are the ones always offending God – He never offends us. Yet He is always ready to forgive us. In fact, the bible says it is the right thing, the just thing for Him to forgive us of our sins when we confess or acknowledge them. Why is it just for Him to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us of our unrighteousness when we acknowledge them? It is because He has already paid for them through His Son Jesus Christ.

What I am saying is that there is no sin any of us may commit in this life that God has not paid for already. The death of Jesus Christ has taken care of all our sins, for He is the payment, the atoning sacrifice for them (Rom 3:25-26; 1John 2:2). So, the natural thing, the right thing for God to do, if we acknowledge any sin we have committed, is to forgive us.

What if we do not acknowledge our sins? Will God not forgive us? God has no problem forgiving anyone. That is because, as I said before, He has already taken it upon Himself to pay the penalty for our sins. If we, then, refuse to acknowledge our sins, we are simply saying there is nothing to pay for. That being the case, the salvation and healing that should have flowed to us as a result of what God has done for us will not flow to us. We, therefore, are the ones that will suffer for not acknowledging our sins and not God.

Well, I shared all that with you just to let you understand what God expects of us when He tells us to forgive others, just as He has forgiven us in Christ. First, He wants us to forgive them even before they come asking for it. In other words, He wants us to accept responsibility for the wrongs they have committed against us. That way, we will not be seeking to make them pay for them.

See, forgiveness is never free. It always comes at a cost, at a price. It is just that it is not the one that has done wrong that is paying that price; rather, it is the one that has been offended that is paying it. If someone loses your money, for instance, and you tell him to forget about it and not pay, who is taking responsibility for the lost money? You! Is that to say that money has not been lost? No! It has been lost. But it is not the one that lost it that is paying for it but the one that has it.

Therefore, to forgive your lover, if they have offended you, is to choose to pay for their wrongdoing. In other words, you choose to suffer for them. This, then, shows us that forgiving people goes beyond words of mouth. It goes beyond saying, “I forgive you.” Yes, there may be times in which we have to tell our lovers that we forgive them. That is because they want to hear it and know that our love lives with them are still intact.

But beyond words of mouth, you have to show through your actions that you have forgiven whatever you have forgiven. That means you don’t make your lover pay for a sin or an offence that you claim to have forgiven. Unfortunately, many don’t understand what forgiveness means. That is why they can tell you now that they have forgiven you of an offence and still not want to talk to you for the next few days. What are they doing? They want you to feel bad or worse about your offence against them. They want you to feel terrible about it and ashamed of yourself. Of course, they may not ask you to make any amends. But they are surely employing other ways to make you pay for what you have done.

Such people don’t understand what forgiveness means. So, they may claim to be forgiving. But they are not. If you are truly forgiving, if you have truly chosen to take responsibility for a wrong done against you, then, you will embrace the offender and begin to relate to them as though nothing went wrong between both of you before. That is the way God relates to us. Having forgiven our sins, He does not remember them or count them against us again (2Cor 5:19). He just freely relates to us as though we never sinned or did anything wrong. That is why we are able to come closer and closer to Him and love Him more and more.

Do you also want your lover to come closer and closer to you and to love you more and more? Then be truly forgiving in relating to them and their offences against you! Yes, what they do may hurt you or pain you seriously. But God commands you to forgive them. And once you do that, make sure you do nothing to still make them pay for it. Otherwise, your so-called forgiveness may not be one after all.

Then God forgave us without conditions. I already mentioned something briefly about that, which is that He did not wait for us to repent before He paid the price for our sins. He just paid for them, believing that at least one of us would embrace what He had done for us. Also, He did not consider our sex, age, culture, social background, educational background, colour or language to choose whom He would forgive among us. Instead, He forgave us unconditionally. We too must learn to forgive others unconditionally, just as God forgave us in Christ Jesus. And until we learn to do that with others, there is no guarantee that we will do so with our lovers.

Forgiving a lover, however, does not mean it is compulsory you go on to marry. First, that depends on the situation at hand. For instance, that you forgive a lover who has been cheating on you does not mean you have to marry them. If you have no assurance in your heart that they will not do it again, you may want to let them be. And you are not punishing them, if you do that. You are just helping them not to sin against God and against you again.

Or that you forgive a lover who has been lying to you about their health or fertility status does not mean that you are to carry on and marry them. Yes, you forgive them for wasting your time and tampering with your trust. They cannot bring back your time that they wasted. So, you pay for that by not blaming them or insulting them. But they must not see it as a punishment if you choose not to let them waste your time any further.

Second, it depends on the attitude of that lover towards rebuke and correction. As we see in Scriptures, you are under an obligation before God to forgive your lover of their wrongs against you, even if they will not admit them or repent of them. But you are not under any obligation before Him to marry a stubborn and unrepentant person. So, if you choose not to carry on in a love relationship with a stubborn and unrepentant person, the person should not see you as punishing them. You are simply saving both of you from what might have resulted in a calamitous marriage.

Is there, then, a biblical explanation for the points I just raised? Yes! First, as we see in Scriptures, God has indeed forgiven the whole world of men their sins. He did that when He offered His Son Jesus Christ on the cross. That, however, does not mean that it is everyone in the world that is His child. It is only those who believe and accept what He has done for them that become His children.

Also, the fact that God has paid for all our sins does not mean He can use all of us who believe in Him for every good work He wants to do. For instance, the fact that He has saved an eighty-year old woman from all her sins does not mean that He will consider her fit as an evangelist to the ends of the earth or fit to give birth to a great pastor that will be known all over the world. He will have to find something more suitable for her age to use her for.

Remember that He referred to David as a man after His heart. Yet He did not consider him to be fit to build Him a temple. And that was because he had been involved in much bloodshed as a warrior. (Cf. 1Chro 22:7-10)

In the same vein, that you are forgiving in relating to someone does not mean that person is suitable to be your husband or wife. Certain things that have happened in their lives or that they have done to themselves, which have now come to light, may not make them suitable for you to marry again. And if you choose to end your relationship with them because of those things, it will not mean that you are punishing them or that you don’t care about them again. It will simply mean that you are acknowledging the fact that a love life with them will only prove disastrous in the future for both of you. And you don’t want that to happen.

But then, whether you stay in a love relationship with someone or not, forgiveness is key in keeping your lives, relationship and fellowship healthy and safe. Yes, your willingness and readiness to forgive your partner, even if it is seventy times seven times a day, is one of those things that will make your love life smooth and interesting. And remember that it was our Lord Jesus that told Peter and the other disciples that even if they have to forgive anyone who had offended them seventy times seven times a day, they should not see it as something burdensome to do. Why? It is because the nature or quality of forgiveness we get from God daily is by far greater than what we can give anyone. (Cf. Matt 18:21-35)

By the way, you will have to be a faultfinder to have your love partner offend you for even seven times in a day. Here is someone you are not yet living with. And they are still able to offend you like seven times in a day. What, then, will happen, if should get married to each other? Offences would just be flowing everywhere in your home!

So, the idea the Lord is communicating to us when He says these things is not for us to start noting or taking records of the number of times we are being offended by our brother, sister or lover. Rather, it is for us to cultivate a forgiving heart, a heart that is ready to forgive even before sins are acknowledged or confessed. And both of you in your love relationship must have this kind of heart. Otherwise, pains and sorrow will never be far from your love life. Instead, they will follow you everywhere and make your love life sour and uninteresting. What, then, can you expect, if you should marry in that condition? A marital lifetime of pain and sorrow.

Why are some homes always boiling today? One of the reasons is that those in them cannot freely forgive one another. A simple ‘I am sorry’ is not enough to calm nerves and maintain peace in the home. Everyone must pay for their sins. So, even if one says, “I am sorry,” the response they will likely get is, “Be sorry for yourself.”

Quarrels, then, can linger for days in such homes without being resolved. They will simply be sleeping and waking up with them until they are tired of fighting on. That is when they may take a break of some days in order to acquire fresh strength to start fresh quarrels or to resurrect the old ones. This is the explanation for the heavy quarrels we sometimes witness among old couples. One would expect that now that they are old, above seventy or eighty, and have been together for four or five decades, they should not have days or months of quarrels again. But it is not so. And it is not so because they have never learnt to be forgiving in relating to one another. So, they are sick. They have actually been sick for years. And that is because they have not been using forgiveness to heal themselves of the wrong they are doing to themselves.

The word of God says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed…” (James 5:16NIV) This goes beyond confessing or acknowledging our sins to our church leaders or brethren. Of course, in the context of the passage, that is what it is referring to. But it can be applied to our love lives and marriages too. If we offend our partner, we should admit that we do. And whether our partner admits the wrong they have done to us or not, we should pray for the healing of their lives. Why? Every kind of sin or wrongdoing is a manifestation of spiritual illness. And for it not to become a pattern or way of life, the person needs to be healed.

But are we going to freely and wholeheartedly pray like this for our love partner or anyone else, if we are not forgiving? No! So, while it is important that we pray for anyone who has hurt us to be healed in their lives, it is more important that we first forgive them of whatever wrong they have done to us. Why? First, it is because, whether we forgive them or not, God can and will heal them wherever they are spiritually ill in their lives, as long as they acknowledge their sins.

Second, it is because we too who have been offended or hurt need to be healed in our lives by God. And the only way we can experience His healing in that manner is to forgive from our hearts those who have hurt us. When did God’s healing manifest in Job’s body? It was after he had forgiven and prayed for his friends who hurt him seriously with their evil words when he was ill. (Cf. Job 42:7-10)

Unfortunately, many have remained ill in their bodies today because of their refusal to forgive their spouses or certain people that once hurt them. And there are still those that certain sicknesses will sooner or later manifest in their bodies because of the same reason. Why? Unwillingness to forgive others is a spiritual sickness too. And at some point, it will manifest in the body. It may manifest in form of cancer, stroke or any other terminal illness. But if it is not dealt with, it will surely manifest.

So, don’t give room for unwillingness to forgive in your life, whether in your love life or in any other relationship. It is dangerous for your soul and also for your body. And observe that I never mentioned anything, all along, about ‘forgive and forget’. That is because if you truly forgive someone, you will also forget about their offence. In other words, you will choose not to recollect it or bring it to mind. And why will you want to bring to mind? You have been healed. They have been healed. Of what use, then, is talking about their past errors? Of no use!

Well, in closing, I have shared all these things with you to let you know that any love relationship in which forgiveness is not happening is sick. And if that describes your love relationship, you need to do something about it before it is too late.

In our last hangout, we talked about the need for flexibility in our love relationships, if they will be healthy and flourishing. We also talked about the things we must not misrepresent as rigidity in handling our live lives. And if you missed that hangout, I implore you to take out time to go through the things shared when we had it.

Now I want us to look at another thing that we need in order to make our love relationships healthy. And that is forgiveness. Why do we need forgiveness in order to make our love lives healthy? The reason is that there is no guarantee that we will not offend ourselves in our love lives, to one degree or another, even if we are the most cautious among human beings. Look at what the bible tells us about every human being:

“We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.” (James 3:2NIV)

Did you see that? All of us, including apostles, prophets and pastors, stumble in many ways. Just think about that. It is not just that all of us stumble but also that all of us stumble in many ways. The only one that never stumbled in this life was our Lord Jesus. He was the only one that was perfect in all ways and never had any reason to apologise to anybody. Yet there were times that people were offended by what He did. (Cf. Heb 4:15; 1Pet 2:22)

Now if people were sometimes offended by Jesus who had no sin in His life, would they not even more offended by people who make mistakes in many ways? They would! So, don’t ever function with an attitude of ‘I can never miss it’ in your love relationship. That is an attitude of pride. And it can ruin your love relationship and even other things in your life.

Yes, you may not have anything against your personal conduct in dealing with your lover. That, however, does not mean that you are always right and never wrong. Look at what Paul says about himself: “My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me.” (1Cor 4:4NIV)

Can you relate to that? That your conscience is clear or that you feel that you have not done anything wrong in relating to someone does not mean you are innocent. You may just be wrong. And what will let you know whether you are wrong in a matter or not is your readiness and willingness to accept rebuke and correction.

Is it every time that people accuse you of offending them that you are wrong? It may not be so. People, including your lover, may misrepresent or misunderstand you in a matter and demand an apology or a correction. But even if you will succeed in clearing or exonerating yourself, you first have to show that you are willing to listen to what they have to say and make amends, if necessary. That is one the ways to build healthy relationships.

So, what I am saying here does not apply to your love relationship alone; it also applies to every other human relationship you may have. If it will be healthy, then, you must one that is ready and willing to embrace rebuke and correction anytime it comes. And if you are that person, it will most likely not be hard for those you are dealing with to also be willing to listen to you, if you have any explanation for any course of action you may have taken.

But if you are someone who is never ready to look any accusation or allegation, whether justifiable or not, brought against him, even where you are truly right, nobody may want to listen to your defence. And if others in your life decide to accept you like that, a sound lover will not do so. That is because that is a sign that your love relationship is sick and in need of healing. If it, then, will be healed, you will need to change your attitude towards rebuke and correction.

Yes, what we are looking at is the need to give forgiveness in our love relationships, if they will healthy enough for us to take them into marriage relationships. But of what use is forgiveness to someone that is not willing to admit his error? Of what use is forgiveness to someone that does not see himself as wrong? It is of no use.

You may have been in a situation before in which someone said to you, “Okay, I will say sorry in order for peace to reign.” How did you feel about what the person said? Did it go down well with you? Did it even indicate that peace would reign at all? I am sure it did not go down well with you or suggest that peace would reign. Why? It was simply because if the person had actually wanted peace to reign, then, they would not have said, “I am doing this for peace to reign.” They would simply have said, “I am sorry,” even if they were saying it for peace to reign.

What is my point? It is that before we can begin to talk about how to use forgiveness to keep our love lives healthy, we first need to talk about how to use readiness and willingness to admit our errors in those relationships to keep them healthy.

As I already pointed out, none of us is perfect in conduct. Yes, as children of God, we all our perfect in nature, for we have been recreated to be like Him in true righteousness and holiness (Eph 4:22-24). But we are not perfect in action – we can make mistakes. And because we can make mistakes, we must live with a readiness to accept rebuke and correction anytime they come.

That, of course, as I also pointed out before, does not mean we will always be in the wrong anytime we are rebuked or corrected. We may not be wrong. But the willingness and readiness to look at whatever others, especially our lovers, see as our errors must be in us. Otherwise, it will be hard for us to build a healthy love relationship.

I am saying that if we always have to argue with our love partners any time they are trying to show us our flaws or errors, then, our love lives are sick and not safe. And if we carry them on into a marriage in that condition, we may regret it for the rest of our lives.

Remember the story of Nabal and Abigail. What was the problem with Nabal? It was that there was no one that could correct him. Just look at what one of his household servants told his wife about him: “Now think it over and see what you can do, because disaster is hanging over our master and his whole household. He is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him." (1Sam 25:17NIV)

Did you see that? Nabal was such a wicked man that no one could talk to him. No one could correct, rebuke or advise him. He must have surrounded himself, then, with ‘Yes-men’. Perhaps you too are like that. You surround yourself only with those who will always say ‘Yes’ to you and never go against you. You are not any different from Nabal. And like him, you may not know or have anyone to warn you, if disaster should be hanging over you.

Nabal had no one among his friends or workers or relatives who could tell him the truth about his cruelty and stinginess. To make matters worse, even though his wife, Abigail, is reported in Scriptures to be an intelligent woman, she also was not welcome to tell him the truth. That was why, as we are further shown in Scriptures, she did not meet him at all when she was told that David and his men were coming to attack their household. She just went on, behind his back, to meet with David and to plead with him to forgive his foolishness. (Cf. 1Sam 25:18-25)

Well, Nabal eventually died of a heart attack because of this incident. And his wife became another man’s wife. But would all that have happened to him, if he had been someone that could be talked to, counselled, rebuked and corrected? No!

I pray that you will not die before your time. But it is important that you do not position yourself in life as one that cannot be counselled, rebuked or corrected. Why did God spare David but destroy Saul, even though David’s sins could even be said to be more grievous? It was because while David would readily accept rebuke and correction, Saul would not. Saul was the type that would first argue back and forth with you to prove his innocence, even when he knew that he had missed it. So, instead for him to receive God’s forgiveness and be spared, he was utterly rejected and his kingdom given to another.

Watch your attitude, then, towards rebuke and correction, for it has a great role to play in determining the health of your relationships, especially your love relationship. Also, watch the attitude of your lover to these things. Watch how to respond to you when you place your fingers on certain things they have not done well or right. Are they often or always resentful? Or are they always willing to look at what you are showing them to see if they have truly missed things? If they are not always willing to look at whatever error you think they have committed, then, you may want to begin to reconsider your stand in that love relationship before it is too late.

Mind you, rebuking or correcting our love partners is not about showing oneself to be superior to their lover in character. If you think you are superior to your lover in character, then, you are proud. And if that lover is smart, they should quickly wrap up things with you and send you off.

So, even if your lover is wrong in any matter, don’t rebuke or correct them with the mindset of one that is better than them and would never make their kind of mistake. The word of God warns us against such attitude. It tells us to always correct people with a heart of gentleness and with the aim of establishing them in righteousness not putting them down. Otherwise, we ourselves may fall into bigger errors and shame. (Cf. Gal 6:1)

Also, rebuking or correcting our love partners is not about witch-hunting – it is not about making it our job to dig up errors in their lives. I am saying this because there are people who think it is their personal job to always look out for errors in others. These are the people that Apostle Jude refers to as faultfinders, complainers (Jude 16). And God help you, if you should have one of them as a lover. That is because nothing you do will ever satisfy them. They will always see an error in everything you do. They will always see a flaw in the way you talk, dress, drink water, shake hands with others or even wear your glasses.

In short, every moment with such people is a moment of harassment and pain. And unless you are ready to be their wastebin for the rest of your life, you have to end whatever you are having with them. Perhaps you too are like that. You are a faultfinder. You are always irritated. You are always complaining. You are not building your love relationship but destroying it – you are making it sick. And you need to repent and change your ways. Otherwise, if your love partner is spiritually and mentally sound, they will just have to abandon you before it is too late for them.

See, it is not every mistake you see in people that you must talk about. There are flaws or mistakes that are not damaging. In other words, they don’t hurt or destroy anybody. And if they are not repetitive or habitual, you don’t need to make an issue out of them. Just overlook them.

There are also some errors that you have to defer their correction. And that is because addressing them when they happen may not accomplish righteous results. So, you wait until the atmosphere is suitable for rebuke and correction. You wait until the rebuke and correction you want to carry out will not destroy or put down your love partner but build them up to be better. That is what love does.

The bible says, “Love covers over all wrongdoings.” (Cf. Prov 10:12) That should not be misrepresented as love covering up wrongdoings. Love does not do that. Love does not lie about people’s sins or errors. Love does not pretend about people’s sins. Love deals with people’s sins, so that they can be washed away and forgiven.

However, love does not make issues out of nothing. Love does not nag. Love not keep a record of wrongdoings. Instead, Love builds. I told you before that whatever you say to your love partner must not be what will put them down or corrupt them but what will build them up (Eph 4:29). So don’t become an irritant to your love partner through fault finding. Otherwise, as the bible says, it will be better for your love partner to go and live in a desert than to marry you, even if you were the only available person here on earth (Prov 21:9&19).

Well, the point I am making is that while it is important that you and your love partner are ever ready to accept rebuke and correction in dealing with one another, it is also important that you don’t give room for fault finding. Otherwise, you may even find yourself competing in complaining or fault-finding.

You may have witnessed situations in which a person will say to their spouse, “Why are you are complaining about this little mistake that I made? Did you also not make a mistake yesterday? And did I complain about it?” What is happening there? Fault-finding competition! And it is usually during courtships that it starts. So, if it is already happening in your own love life, both of you need to address it before it is too late. Otherwise, you may end up devouring yourselves with your own words when eventually marry. 

Last year, we rounded off our last hangout by sharing on the need for mutual respect in our love relationships. Otherwise, they will not be healthy for us. And if they are not healthy for us now, we cannot expect them to lead to healthy marriages. So, if there is no mutual respect in your love relationship, you need to pause and tell yourself the truth about it. Or if there is no guarantee that mutual respect will exist in a love relationship you want to build, then, don’t even get started at all. Otherwise, there will be no end to chaos in your future home.

Now I want us to also look at the role flexibility has to play in love matters. I am sure you know what it means to be flexible. It means to be able to adjust and adapt to changing circumstances. And it is one quality everyone that is going into a love relationship or that is already in a love relationship must possess. Otherwise, they may not be able to thrive in their love relationship. And even if they manage to stay in a love relationship or marriage, they are not likely to enjoy it to the fully.

But before we move on in looking at this, I need to first let you know what being flexible in a love relationship is not. It is not a compromising of godly principles. There are godly principles that we must never alter or drop just to please anyone, even our lovers. And it is important that we know them and hold on tenaciously to them. Otherwise, our faith may just be shipwrecked.

For instance, abstinence from sexual intercourse outside a marriage relationship is a godly principle. And the fact that you stick to it does not mean that you are rigid or that you are not flexible. I am saying this because there are so-called Christians that still believe it is rigidity that will makes lovers that are sure to marry abstain from sexual intercourse.

But what does the word of God say? It says:

“It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.” (1Thess 4:3-8NIV)

Did you see that? It is the will of God that we all should avoid sexual immorality and learn to control our bodies. And as Paul shows us in that bible passage, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God. So, if any lover is trying to lure you into sexual immorality or is giving you the impression that it is because you are rigid that you will not allow them to touch you anyhow, you might want to stay away from such a person. That is because they may end up lead you to sin against God and ruin your testimony.

Also, abstinence from idolatry is not rigidity. The bible says, “Therefore, dear friends, flee from idolatry.” (1Cor 10:14NIV) That means you are to run away from anything that has to do with idolatry, even in the church. You know there are so-called Christian assemblies and believers that engage in different forms of witchcraft and sorcery. They perform rituals to ward off evil. They use tokens. They take special baths and so forth. And while they may not see anything wrong with these things, the word of God is very clear about the fact that they are idolatrous practices. If you, then, will not accept someone as your love partner because they are involved in any of them, you must not see yourself as being rigid.

A teenage girl once told me that her parents wanted her to take part in some generational family rituals for her future security. Interestingly, her father is a pastor in a Christian assembly. Yet he did not see anything wrong with leading his daughter into idol worship. And there are many like him who call themselves Christians but still do not see anything wrong with engaging in some traditional rituals here and there, for their prosperity or security.

Now if you are involved in love matters with of such people, they will most likely rationalise their involvement in idol worship for you and make think of it as nothing serious. And if you protest, they might tell you that you are just being rigid and unaccommodating. But taking a stand for godliness has nothing to do with being rigid at all. Rather, it is about honouring God and maintaining peace in your own life.

I remember a marriage that crashed because of something along this line. The wife, at some point, began to complain that the husband was fetish. According to her, sometimes she would come home and be treated to all kinds of odours from the rituals the man had performed. At other times, she would come home and find lit candles in different parts of the house. So, started fearing for her life. Why? She was not raised in that kind of spiritual atmosphere.

But why did she marry the man in the first place? Did she not know that the man was capable of engaging in religious rituals? She knew. Why, then, did she unite herself with him? It was because she somehow believed that it did not matter, since they loved each other. But that which did not appear as a problem, then, has now ruined her home.

So, even if the person you are considering is a Christian, you need to know what type of Christian they are. You need to know what they truly believe and what they truly practice. And If you can see that there is no faith agreement between you and them, it will not be rigidity not to go into a love relationship with them. Then if you are already in a love relationship with someone that you have issues with their Christian beliefs or practices, you may want to have a re-think about the relationship. That is not being rigid at all. It is being sensible.

Remember that popular bible verse that says, “Can two walk together unless they agree?” The agreement being talked about there also includes faith agreement. So, if you cannot agree in faith matters, which are heart matters, it will be best you go your separate ways, when the consequences can be minimized. Otherwise, it might be those faith differences that you regard as nothing today that will ruin your home.

Look also at believers that think it is rigidity not to want to marry a non-Christian. They see it as not being accommodating or tolerant. But the word of God is very clear about that. His word tells us that the believer should only marry another believer and not an unbeliever. Why? It is so that there will be no immediate or future conflict of faith practices, which can make them destroy themselves.

Unfortunately, because of mistaken flexibility, many have gone ahead to marry unbelievers and to ruin their homes and lives. So, don’t misrepresent flexibility in love matters. It is important that we are flexible and not rigid in handling our love matters. But it is not everything that flexibility is warranted or acceptable. Any demonstration of flexibility that will ruin your faith, your relationship with God or your character is not to be considered or welcomed at all in any love relationship. It is better to let that love relationship die a natural death than for you to allow it to continue and set you against your God.

There are love matters, however, that we do not have to be rigid in the way we handle them. Any matter that is not an attack on our faith or character is one in which we can demonstrate some measure of flexibility. I am not saying it is compulsory that we exhibit flexibility in any lover matter. But we will find out, one way or the other, that there is no way we can have an interesting and enjoyable love relationship without being willing to exhibit some measure of flexibility.

Why is that so? It is so because we all are created differently by God. Even if we are of the same parents and blood, there is no way we will be viewing everything about life the same way or like the same things or devoted to the same causes. There will surely be some obvious distinctions in our approaches to life. Yet that does not make any of us wrong or godless.

What I am saying is that the fact that I love anything blue does not make me better or more righteous than my brother who does not like colour blue but colour red. And the fact that I love to be a carpenter does not make me any less righteous than my sister does not love carpentry but banking. Such things do not define who or what we are. How we handle them is what determines who and what we are on the inside.

Personally, I do not like the noise of the city. That does not mean that I cannot stay in a city or that I have never stayed in a city. I have lived in cities in the past and can still live in them, if occasions warrant it. I just don’t like noise and no one can take that away from me. But I have relatives who love the city life. Is that to say something is wrong with them? No! They are simply who they are, just as I am simply who I am.

In like manner, in whatever love relationship you find yourself, you cannot be your partner and your partner cannot be you. You are you. And your partner is who they are. Yes, you may have a lot of things in common or in agreement. It does not change the fact that you are two different people, with a number of obvious differences in different areas of life.

For instance, the differences in your sexes are obvious, the most obvious of the differences in your lives. And those differences will naturally make you function differently emotionally, responding to pressure, affection, happiness and pains differently.

In short, if you yourself want to begin to list the differences in person between you and your love partner, you may be amazed at how long the list will be. But those differences may never be a problem in your love affairs. And what will keep them from being a problem is the measure of flexibility that you both employ in handing them.

But if you will not be flexible, it does not matter how good natured and godly both of you are, your love will most likely not work. And if you force it to end in a marriage, it may end up being the worst decision of your lives.

There are many who are having issues in their marriages right now because the differences in their personalities keep coming to the fore and making it difficult for them to function together as one. But did those differences just come into their lives? No! They have always been there. But instead of learning to be flexible in handling those differences, they ignored them and acted as though those differences would naturally disappear by themselves.

However, the differences in our lives and the lives of our love partners will not naturally disappear. They cannot naturally disappear. We are the ones that will make them disappear. How? By being flexible! By being willing to change or adapt?

Now what will make us willing to change or adapt in relating to our love partners? What will make us agree with our love partners to cook and eat rice when what we really desire to eat is beans? Someone may say, “That is love.” Yes, it is love. But what quality of love is it? That is consideration. Love is considerate. It is not selfish or self-seeking. It does not always insist on having things its own way. (Cf. 1Cor 13:5)

So, if you will be truly flexible in your love life, you and your partner must be considerate in relating to one another. In other words, none of you must be thinking about what is good for them alone but also about what is good for the other. The bible says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Phil 2:3-4NIV)

Did you see that? If you want your love relationship or any relationship at all to work, you must learn not to look at your own interests alone but also at the interests of others. That is what it means to be considerate. If you are considerate, you will be willing to make some adjustment to accommodate your love partner. If you are considerate, you will be willing to let go of your own wishes in order to honour the wishes of your love partner.

But as long as you keep insisting that things must always be done your way, you and your love partner will have a hard time functioning together, except that love partner is simply willing to be patient with you and also indulge you to any extent. But can you really tell when their patience will run out and they too will want to insist that you cannot have your way? You can’t.

Unfortunately, it may be when you are already married that they will wake up one day and ask themselves, “Why have I been allowing this person to always have their way?” Then they will begin to say ‘No’ to you, where they used to say ‘Yes’. And you will begin to think something is wrong with them. But nothing is wrong with them. It is just that they have been accommodating your excesses and selfishness.

Well, the point I am making is that if you want to have an interesting and enjoyable love relationship and future home, you and your love partner must learn to understand each other, so that you will be considerate in relating to each other. There are things you can afford to do without. And you should be willing to do without them, if doing so will build up your love relationship and make it enjoyable.

Also, there are things you can afford not to talk about. And you should be willing not to talk about them, if doing so will build up your love relationship and make it enjoyable. Then there may also be sacrifices that you can afford to make for your love partner. And you should be willing to make them, if doing so will build up your love relationship and make it enjoyable.

Now I cannot tell you what these things are, the things you afford to give up or be devoted to doing, just to make your love solid and interesting for you and your love partner. You are the only one that can place your fingers on them. And you will do well to note them and to see what changes you can make in your life because of them, so that you can beautify your love life.

If I remember correctly, I was told of certain couples who ended up fighting each other because they could not agree on where to put the television set in their living room. What is the big deal about where things are positioned in our sitting room, living room or bedroom? We can always change the position of whatever is in them to suit new circumstances in our lives. But homes have been ruined because of something as trivial as that. Why? Those in them were unwilling to be flexible, to be understanding, considerate and willing to make sacrifices for their common happiness.

I was also told of those who fought over where their toothpaste tubes should be pressed. What is the big deal about that? How does where a toothpaste tube is pressed affect our faith, heath, prosperity or reputation in life? As long as the paste or gel in the tube is not being wasted, where it is pressed should not be an issue. It is something that can be overlooked. But there have been those who allowed that to offend their sense of neatness and ruined their homes because of it.

Am I saying something is wrong with being neat or meticulous? No! But don’t carry it too far. And you will be carrying it to far, if you are allowing it to injure your love relationship where it does not affect your faith, health, prosperity or reputation.

In like manner, the one that is unwilling to change and begin to do things in new or better ways in order to make their love partner happy is also inconsiderate. What does it cost you to make some adjustment in the way you handle things, dress or talk, just to make your lover happy and excited to be with you anytime or introduce you to those in their lives? If it is not going to cost you your salvation, sanity, reputation or prosperity, you should be willing to make some adjustment, especially if you are relating someone that is wealthy or famous to one extent or the other.

See, if you cannot relate to someone with consideration, it is not compulsory you stay in a love relationship with them. If you think the changes or adjustments or sacrifices you will may have to make in a love relationship will be too much for you to handle or drive you crazy, you don’t have to stay in it. And if you think a lover is just too rigid for you and unwilling to make enough changes to make you have an enjoyable love life with them, let them go.

What that means is that you and the person involved cannot agree to walk together. So, let them be. Doing that will be better for both of you. Otherwise, if you force yourself to marry someone that you both are not willing to be considerate in walking together, you may end up regretting for the rest of your earthly life.

This is where we will stop for this hangout. I pray that the Spirit of God will use these words to guide you into securing the right love partner for yourself, in Jesus’ name. Amen. Happy new year once again and enjoy every moment of the year.

In our last hangout, I shared with you about the need for you to be careful not to settle in a love relationship with a wasteful person.

Why?

God does not support wastefulness.

On the contrary, He wants us to take away from them any opportunity they may have to be wasting our resources (Luke 16:1-2). If you, then, should end up in a marriage with a wasteful person, do you think it will be easy for you to stop them from accessing or using certain resources of the family?

It will not be easy.

See, there are marriages that are on fire today because some partners are wasteful. I am talking about people who waste resources that are enough for them, people who waster even borrowed resources. Do you, then, think you will be able to stay still, if your partner is wasting borrowed money or wasting money that is not enough to take care of your bills?

Or would you expect your partner to keep quiet, if you were wasting the resources of family that are not yet enough to handle your bills?

Why is the prodigal son referred as the prodigal son in the bible?

The reason is that the young man was wasteful. He took everything that he inherited from his father and wasted it on riotous living. And there are still many young people like him today. It does not matter what great wealth they inherit from their parents, they are bound to waste it. That is because wastefulness is cultural to them. And unless their minds are renewed with the word of God, they will live and die that way. (Cf. Luke 15)

So, even if you both get married as rich people, if just one of you is wasteful, there is no guarantee that you will not soon find yourselves in poverty. It happened to the prodigal son. And the same thing or something similar can happen to anyone that is wasteful like him.

Fortunately for the prodigal son, he had a wealthy and compassionate father that wanted him back home, in spite of his mess. But supposing his father was no more at the time, who would he have turned to? Or supposing his father had experienced some misfortunes and lost his wealth before he came back to his senses, would he have been eager to welcome him back home empty-handed?

A man once took all the money of his family, including the money borrowed for him by his wife, and travelled out of the country for a better life. The plan was that he would take some time to settle down with the money with him and then begin to work towards bringing his wife and daughter to join him. But when he got there, he began to misbehave. He began to live lavishly with the money he was making and even married another woman. Now while he was enjoying himself in that other country, his wife and daughter were being hotly pursued by creditors.

Eventually, the woman lost her mind and ended up in the house of a herbalist. The daughter also was horribly molested by the man of the house where she served as a maid. She even got pregnant for the man and later lost her womb because of the concoctions the man had given her. To cut a long story short, the girl found Christ and as instrumental to the restoration of her mother.  About the same time, the prodigal husband and father met his ruins and was deported. And he came back home with nothing.

That, of course, was when he remembered that he used to have a wife and a daughter and that he also used to have a pastor and a local assembly. Well, somehow, he was reconciled to his wife and daughter, after much pleas from the people of God, and was permitted to stay with them.

But guess what?

In the middle of the night, as the wife thought again and again about all that she and her daughter suffered because of this prodigal man, she got up and tried to kill him.

It took the intervention of some people of God that were also sleeping in the house with them that same night for him to be rescued. Why did she try to kill him?

The main reason was that he came home with nothing, having made them suffer for years. If he had come home with some wealth to settle them in a better house and with the hope of better living conditions, it may have been easier for that woman to overlook all his wrongdoings. But he came home empty-handed, as the prodigal son did. And that was too much for a woman that had just recovered from insanity to handle.

My point?

It is that people, even you, can become terribly mad at those who waste their resources, even if they are their spouses.  You may not be in a circumstance today that will make you mad at a wasteful lover.

That may be because you are not yet living together and their wastefulness is not really hurting you. But when you start staying together and you begin to see your resources being wasted or spent on irrelevances and non-essentials, you may not know when you will get mad and start fighting for your survival or the survival of your children.

Now, of course, some people are not consciously wasteful. I mean that these ones don’t know that they are being wasteful. And that is probably because they have never really been rebuked or corrected by anyone for it.

So, you have to open their eyes to what is wrong with them, using the word of God. And if they listen and begin to work towards changing their ways, you have won them.

But if they will not listen to you, then, you will need to reconsider your love thoughts about them. Otherwise, you may later regret it. See, people like that are overpampered children. They are like Adonijah, David’s son. And I think I should take some space or moments here to say some things to you about getting involved in a love relationship with an overpampered person. The person may indeed be a child of God. But it is not everyone that is a child of God today that has received enough parental discipline to be fit for a true love life.

Solomon, for instance, was also David’s son. But he was nothing like Adonijah, even though he was younger than him. He received enough spiritual discipline from his father to be fit to lead the nation after him. So, he was the one that his father chose to be king. And of course, he was God’s choice too.

Now look at some of the things Solomon says in his proverbs about how his father disciplined him:

“When I was a boy in my father's house, still tender, and an only child of my mother, he taught me and said, "Lay hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands and you will live. Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or swerve from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.” (Prov 4:3-7NIV)

Did you see that?

It was David that taught Solomon to prioritise wisdom.

He taught him to desire wisdom for living above all else.

No wonder he, as a young ruler, asked God to give him wisdom, even though they had only met in a dream.

He had so meditated on the need for wisdom in his life that he even talked to God about it in his dream.

And did God give it to him or not?

He did.

So, he went on to one of the greatest kings of the earth.

(Cf. 1Kings 3)

But what do we have about Adonijah, Solomon’s elder and half-brother? The bible says concerning him:

“His father had never interfered with him by asking, "Why do you behave as you do?" He was also very handsome and was born next after Absalom.” (1Kings 1:6NIV)

Did you see that?

Adonijah was an overpampered child.

He was never set right or corrected for anything by his father.

Why?

We are not told.

Was there someone in Adonijah’s life that would not allow his father to discipline him?

We would not know.

At least, we are not told that his mother never corrected him.

But it is baffling to find that the same David that thoroughly disciplined Solomon just left Adonijah to himself.

Well, because the young man was overpampered, he had some entitlement mentality.

So, first, he began to see himself as fit to be king in place of his father.

But soon enough, he realised that neither God nor his father chose him.

Also, later, he felt that he was entitled to a woman that his late father, David, had left behind.

So, he made a move for her. And that move cost him his life.

(Cf. 2Kings 2)

My point is that you have to also watch out for overpampered kids, even though they are believers.

That is because, first, they are not used to being rebuked or corrected.

So, when you start taking steps towards correcting their errors, which wastefulness could be a part of, they may begin to see you as an enemy.

They may say, “Why are you shouting?” or “You complain too much.”

They may even cry or go moody each time you correct them and make you feel like you are wrong to do what is right.

And it is only those among them that are ready to yield to the word of God that will readily submit to correction without making any fuss about it.

How, then, do you want to build a truly productive love like with that kind of individual?

Or do you think you can cope with that kind of attitude for the rest of your life?

See, when you are not yet living together, dealing with an overpampered adult may not be a serious issue.

But once you start living together in your home and need to both show yourselves as responsible husband and wife, will you find it interesting to always have to apologise to them for correcting or rebuking them in love?

So, think deeply about this before you settle for any overpampered man or woman.

Then overpampered kids often have an entitlement mentality.

So, they don’t like to hear ‘No, you can’t have that,’ or ‘No, you can’t do that.’

They think they must have whatever they want and be able to do whatever they wish.

And that is a dangerous and irresponsible way to live.

Therefore, it makes anyone like that unfit for any love life that will be truly fruitful and productive.

All of this is why you cannot afford to settle for an overpampered adult.

It may not be their fault that they were overpampered by their parents as kids.

But it is their fault that they have remained like that, even having known the Lord Jesus.

So, they need to change first.

Yes, they need to first learn to accept rebuke and correction and to know that everything must go as they want it.

Then they will be ready for love.

Otherwise, they are a disaster waiting to happen.

Now perhaps you too have been overpampered by your parents.

And that may not be because your family is wealthy.

It's not only the wealthy that overpamper children. The poor also do.

By the way, there are wealthy people who never overpamper children.

In any case, if you have become used to always having your way and find it difficult to see anyone who corrects you as a true friend, you are not yet ready for love.

And if you are in a love relationship already, you should not expect it to be interesting or rosy.

But if it is interesting and sweet, it simply means your partner has joined hands with your parents or guardians to pamper you.

The only thing is that you cannot be sure if that partner of yours will pamper you like that forever or will shrink back when the reality of marital responsibilities eventually dawn on them.

Well, it will be in your interest to grow up now before it is too late.

Otherwise, you may have to learn in a hard way those lessons of discipline you are refusing to learn now.